Wildling

~~~Ember’s POV~~~

I’m a little angry. Not going to lie. After talking with Ashton, I know it was an honest mistake when he saw my past. He had meant well to try and give me something better to dream about. Sweet really. I’m angrier that my past is even coming to light. I’m angry that even with a chance of happiness I’m being offered, I still have to fight with myself. The inner battle I’ve been facing is wearing me down.

My mind and heart are on two different sides. My heart wants my mate. To be happy and have companionship and love. My brain likes to throw me all sorts of scenarios on how Jaxson will take it. My anxiety is through the roof and I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach. My brain tells me that Jaxson will run for the hills as soon as he sees, never wanting anything to do with me. In one scenario my lovely brain tries to tell me that he would send me right back to Dimitri. He would look at me in utter disgust and reject me straight away. How could his own mate still grieve the loss of a baby of a rapist; still longing to have it growing inside her. The only baby I would ever hold in my body again. I can visualize his face scrunched up in repulsion. His eyes harden and turn cold while he utters the words that will break me.

I try and remind my brain that Ashton saw my past and he doesn’t think differently of me. He had assured me that Jaxson would never hold my feelings against me. He would understand if I just talked it through with him.

My heart aches at the thought of never being able to give him a family. Wolves are pack animals. They are family oriented and werewolves are no exception. Male wolves long to have their mate carrying their pup. That is why wolves tend to mate as soon as meeting one another. Its instinct to procreate to keep our population up.

Ashton knew where my mind was going and quickly assured me that Jaxson would rather be with me than to be able to have pups of his own. He shared his thoughts on family as he and Sean also could not conceive naturally. “A baby isn’t everything. Yes, it is your own child and you can feel them growing inside you, and that’s a bond I could never begin to understand. I know how hard it’s been for you to lose your child even if it was by that shit head. But what makes a family is love. I know just by meeting you that whatever child is brought into your home, you would love it unconditionally. Even if it isn’t biologically yours. You would feel a bond regardless. Just take it in baby steps. I think the only thing holding you back is the marking process. I see how you and Jaxson look at each other. I know you love him. I’ve never seen him act this way around anyone else. It is so special what you guys could have. So, don’t give up just because things are difficult. It will be worth it in the long run, I promise.” His words resonated with me.

I needed to decide. I can’t just keep stringing Jaxson along if it looks like I can’t overcome these hurdles.

Ashton left me in the clearing several hours ago. I needed time to think. I couldn’t look at Jaxson right now, not if I didn’t have an answer yet. I knew he would give me as much time as I needed but it’s not fair to him. I’m sure he’s filled with anxiety just as much as I am.

I spent several hours punching the animal skin, taking out my frustration on it. I hate my life right now. I hate myself for making Jaxson go through all this. I hate that I was ever in this position. I feel worthless and I truly loath myself.

Yeah, logically I know that it’s not my fault. That this was an incident I had no control over. But I will always look back and tell myself that somewhere, at some point, I could have fought harder.

I feel so used. So, broken. I’m cut so deeply I don’t think I can recover. I thought I could just live with it. It was just me and Accalia. No one else would be around me or know my deepest secrets. I would live out my life in seclusion or until I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s all different now.

I need to overcome this. Not just for myself but for Jaxson. It has only been a week and he’s already changing my life for the better. I’ve smiled and laughed more than I have in my life. I actually feel like I could have a purpose in life now. I feel like I belong somewhere.

I never felt worthy of love. I figured if I were disgusted with myself then so would anyone else. I let myself believe that interacting with anyone is pointless. That once they learned my past, I wouldn’t be worth the trouble anymore.

Jaxson is changing that. I can see the love he has in his eyes. They are the warmest, emerald green I’ve ever seen. The stories I’ve heard from Sean warm my cold heart and I feel a sense of pride that he is my mate. Someone so passionate and caring but also someone who can deal with business if needed. He would always be there for anyone in his pack.

My abuse of the punching bag was interrupted by a snapping twig and rustling in the brush. I turned to see Jaxson staring at me, his eyes wide with worry. His chest heaving for breath; sweat glistening on it, after he had run up the mountain.

Yes, I needed to make a decision.