Where I Belong

"No please, its my job. If you go get yourself a drink the guys will think I've pissed you off and I really don't want them to think that. Please just let me get you your drink. Blaze will kill me" She muttered the worry evident in her eyes. Eh? Was this the same girl that never had a nice word to say about anyone? I was so confused and what did she mean Blaze would kill her? Kill her for what?

"I am not Blazes old lady" I frowned "but if it makes you feel better I'll take a coffee with milk no sugar". Was she doing this because she thought I was an old lady? "Coffee with milk and no sugar coming right up. Oh and if your not his old lady I think you should maybe tell him that because he's put the word out that you are but please don't tell him I told you-.. God I've said to much" She gushed running off before I could reply. Not being able to help it the laugh fell from my lips. I think I liked it better when she was a bitch to me. I didn't care if Blaze was telling people I was his old lady I knew that I wasn't.

"First Kelsey and now Sandra. Fuck I think they've realised not to mess with you" Blaze smirked as he took the seat my mom was occupying before. "Or they've finally got it through there heads that I am not competition that I'm not here to steal there men. Speaking of which apparently your mine or should I say I'm yours. Word got out that I'm your old lady. You have anything to do with that?" I asked already knowing he did. Not being big headed but the first night I got here none of them could keep there's eyes of me and now your lucky if I get a side glance or maybe that has something to do with my dad. "Damn right I had something to do with it. If I don't get to have you then no one else does especially not those fuckers" He grunted grabbed my half empty beer and finishing it. Sighing I turned round completely so my body was facing his "That's not fair Blaze and you know it. You can't keep telling everyone we're together when we're not and this whole if you can't have me no one else can is bullshit. We tried to give us ago and look what happened". You slept with god knows who. "And I told you I haven't been with anyone since you caught me. That must count for something?" He asked sliding his hand over mine. "Why do you want me so badly?" I asked getting straight to the point. I know now that its not about sex, heck he's already had a go so what could he possibly want from me? "You're not afraid of me, you're not afraid to tell me exactly what you think. I've told you before I've wanted you for a long time, you're in my head twenty four seven. No matter how much I try to stop thinking about you I can't. I use other girls as a distraction. I've never wanted something or someone as badly as I want you Ava and to not be able to have you it kills me".

Wow! I didn't expect that at all.

"I don't get you Blaze. Why hurt me if all you want is me?" I sighed running a hand over my face. If he wanted me so badly why sleep with other girls? Saying they were a distraction is bullshit. If you want something so badly then you fight for it not do the complete opposite. "You can't have your cake and eat it to. If you want something so badly you fight for it Blaze. You stopped fighting" I shrugged sliding of the bar stool and getting to my feet. I was ending this conversation because I didn't want an argument. An argument we've had plenty of times before. "I have to go to the hospital and sort out my leave. I'll have a bag ready and I'll meet you back here before we have to go. If anything changes let me know". As I was climbing into my car I only then realised I was still carrying Blazes gun. How could I forget I had a gun shoved down the back of my jeans? Glancing around the lot I made sure no one was in sight before pulling it out and putting it in my glovebox. I guess I could give him it back later.

"Noooo" Ally whined pouting out her bottom lip. I didn't expect to see her here but apparently I made her feel bad about not being in work when she was suppose to be. Shows how much attention I pay when I hadn't realised she had left the clubhouse. "It'll only be for a couple of days and I don't have a choice in the matter. You know how it is" I whispered trying to keep my voice low. Sighing she looped her arm through mine "Fine but do me a favour?" She asked as we stopped by the canteen for coffee. "Sure anything" I replied wondering if it had anything to do with Josh. Apparently he was getting a little to comfortable doing my job. "Ride that hot piece of ass every chance you get" She smirked sinking her teeth into her bottom lip. Frowning at her I shook my head "I'm not in a relationship with Blaze I just have to go away with him because my dad trusts him the most and is sex all you bloody think about?" I asked pouring some milk into my coffee? "I'm not in a relationship with Cage but sweet jesus I'm on his cock every chance I get. Those men know how to ride Ava and trust me he never misses" She smirked winking at me over the top of her cup. "Have a little fun with him while you're away. No one back here needs to know what happened, let loose and pretend nothing else exists. Its not a crime to fuck someone you're not in a relationship with". Hm maybe Ally was right. Maybe what I needed to do was let loose and have some fun.

"I need to check a few things in my office before I have to head out again. Are you going to survive another couple of days without me?" I asked as we started walking. Rolling her eyes she dumped her coffee into a nearby trash can "I'll survive but I'm not promising that Josh will" She smiled sweetly at me before we entered my office. Laughing I took the key to my filing cabnet out my drawer and gave it to her. "It has a spare key for here on it. You can use it while I'm gone to stop you from killing Josh just don't make a mess". Taking the key from me she tucked it into the inside of her bra. Rolling my eyes I grabbed the files from my drawer and put them under my arm. They should keep me busy while I'm away because let's face it what else was I going to do to pass the time.

"I want a text every time you hit that" She grinned causing me to roll my eyes at her. Seriously this girl should have been a porn star imstead of a doctor. Grabbing her shoulders gently I turned her around and pushed her out my office shutting the door behind us. "I won't be hitting anyone. Don't you have patients to attend to?" I asked just as my phone vibrated in my pocket. "Keep me posted" She winked before walking off in the opposite direction. Shaking my head I couldn't stop the smile from spreading, I was glad I met Ally. Pulling out my phone I unlocked the screen so I could check my message.

'You have something that belongs to me darlin'. Make sure you don't lose it'

How the hell was I going to lose a gun? Not bothering to text back I slipped my phone back into my pocket and left the hospital. Pulling my sunglasses over my eyes I started up my car and headed back home. I knew my dad would kill me if he found out I was going there but I needed a few things for the road and I can't be bothered to drive all the way back to the clubhouse to come all the way back out again. Turning on the radio Trey Songz came blaring through my speakers causing a frown to make it a way onto my face.

I wonder how Nate was doing?

Would he even answer me if I called? I missed his company. I missed how at ease I felt around him. Nate was a good guy but he deserved someone a lot better than me. Turning the volume down a sigh fell from my lips as I drove up my drive. I defiantly had to fix things with him and I would as soon as I was back. Glancing around my neighborhood I reached over and grabbed the gun from my glovebox slipping it back into the waistband of my jeans. Carrying it somehow made me feel safe. I had never used one properly but how hard could it be to shoot a gun? Grabbing my bag from under the seat I got out locking my car as I headed for the front door. Heading straight up the stairs to my room I went straight for my closet and started pulling out some clothes. As I was reaching for my suitcase a scream fell from my lips as my bedroom door was slammed open. "Remember me hot stuff?"

Gulping I moved backwards until my back hit the wall. I knew exactly who he was. The creep from the hospital, the one that got injured from the shit my dad pulled. How did he get in my house?

"Don't tell me you've forget?" He grinned showing what little teeth he had left. I think I was going to be sick. Was he on his own? More importantly what was he planning on doing with me? "Nice little house you got here babe. Your daddy buy you it?". I couldn't talk, couldn't think. Why did I have to come back here on my own? Stupid idiot. "Fucking answer me" He yelled causing me to jump. How could I answer when my heart was lodged into my throat? "Forget it I'm only here to pick you up and take you back to my prez but then again he didn't say anything about me getting a turn first" He smirked moving slowly towards me.

Feeling my breathing get heavy my eyes widened as I felt the coldness against my back. The gun.... Not thinking about it I pulled it out and held it up aiming it right in line with his face. He didn't need to know I had never used one before. Watching him pale slightly he masked it quickly before throwing his head back and laughing. "What you gonna do? Shoot me in brod daylight?. Do you even know how to use a gun sweetheart". No I fucking didn't but it couldn't be that hard to miss his fat head. Moving towards me again I flipped the safety off" I suggest you turn and leave before I blow a hole in your head" I snapped proud that my voice didn't come out shaky. "You ain't got the guts to shoot me bitch" He snapped lunging at me. Before I could blink my index finger pushed against the trigger a loud bang circling the room before he fell down in front of me blood pouring from his mouth. Dropping the gun I couldn't stop my body from shaking or the tears from falling from my eyes. With shaky hands I pulled out my phone and dialled the one persons number that could fix this. "About time you called. Where are you?" He asked

I couldn't speak. I couldn't stop the images of what I had just done swimming through my head. I had just shot someone maybe even killed him.

"Ava?"

"I-I think I've killed him" I cried a sob escaping my mouth.

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I had shot someone dead. I killed someones son, someone's brother maybe even someone's dad. I never gave it a second thought, just pulled the trigger. I couldn't take my eyes off his still figure laying at the side of my bed his blood smeared over my carpet, his eyes open staring right at me. Pulling my knees up to my chin I wrapped my arms around them trying to stop my body from shaking but it wouldn't stop. How could I ever live with myself knowing I had killed someone? Hearing the roar of a motor bike my head snapped in the direction of the window. What if it was a member of his MC? What if they were coming back to get me? Quickly getting to my feet I grabbed the gun running straight for my bathroom and locking the door behind me.

If I wasn't here this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have blood on my hands, I wouldn't have to deal with people coming after me. Why did my dad have to be mixed up in this? Why was I the one getting punished for his mistakes. Feeling the tears slide down my cheeks I blinked them away. I was never going to have a normal life. I couldn't get up and run away from it all. I couldn't hide from nothing because it wouldn't take long before someone found me and after today there was no way my dad was letting me out without someone with me.

Hearing the heavy footsteps out side the door I held my breath trying to stop the sob from escaping past my lips. Jumping back from the slight bang against the door I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip my eyes going straight towards the handle as it moved downwards.

"Sweets come on out".

My full body relaxed at the sound of his voice. On shaky legs I unlocked the door and pulled it open. Closing the small distance between us he took the gun from my hands and shoved it into the back of his jeans. Taking my hand he lead me out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom. Stopping my eyes landed back on the dead body.

"Clean yourself up and then get your ass back to the clubhouse" He muttered pulling out his phone. I heard what he said but I couldn't move, my legs wouldn't work and I couldn't break my stare from the guy I had killed.

"I killed him" I whispered "W-what am I going to do? What if someone heard the gun shot? What if the cops are coming? Blaze I-I didn't mean to kill him but he came at me and.. I have to leave, I have to get out of here and as far away from this place. I can't stay here anymore. They'll lock me up" Frantically pacing my bedroom a cry fell from my lips as Blaze grabbed ahold of my shoulders spinning me around so I could face him.

"You didn't do this I did. Now get yourself cleaned up and get back to the clubhouse".

"I only shot the gun once. First time I've ever used a gun properly and I manage to kill someone. Bullet straight through his head. How can I live with the guilt? I'm not a bad person I save lives not take them. I-I have to hand myself in that's the right thing to do".

"Ava" He snapped shaking my shoulders making me look up into his eyes. "Get the fuck out of here now. I'm not going to tell you again" He growled grabbing a hold of my chin "That bastard deserved what he got. He would have hurt you if you hadnt pulled that trigger. Darlin' this isn't your fault so get those crazy thoughts out of your head. Please listen to me and go back to the clubhouse. Can you do that for me sweetheart?" He asked his thumb tracing over my bottom lip. He was right if I hadn't of pulled the trigger god knows what would have happened to me. It still didn't make me feel any better about what I had done though. "I'll handle this but please go back to the clubhouse".

"O-okay" I stuttered as he kissed away my tears. "Go I'll see you soon" He whispered kissing the top of my head.

...

Pulling the hood of my jacket over my head I ducked inside my car closing the door quickly behind me. With shaky hands I put my key in the ignition and pulled out of my drive way. How was I going to get over what I had done? Even though his intentions with me weren't good and if I hadn't of pulled the trigger he would have took me. Taking my sunglasses of the dash board I slipped them over my eyes. Even though Blaze told me to go back to the clubhouse I couldn't. I don't know if he's told my dad or the rest of them what's happened and I can't lie. He would know something was up just by taking one look at me.

Could always run?

Sighing I turned my car around and made my way to the clubhouse. I couldn't run from this. I killed someone. Someone that was going to hurt me. So why did I feel sick to my stomach every time I thought about it? I shouldn't feel sick, I shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe Blaze was right maybe he did deserve what he got, what I did to him. Stopping my car in the lot I jumped out not removing my hood nor my sunglasses. If they couldn't see my eyes then I could lie. Strolling through the clubhouse I stopped when I noticed it was only Sandra, Kelsey and a few of the other girls. Where was everyone else?

"They're out taking care of business" Kelsey shrugged as she approached me. Feeling my body physically relax I took my hood down and pushed my sunglasses onto the top of my head. "You're dad sent your mom and Lily away to some cabin a few miles away. Whatever is going down must be bad".

Whatever it was they could deal with it. I had my own problems to take care of and right now I wanted nothing more than to lock myself away so I could be on my own. Edging towards the bar I leaned over and grabbed a bottle of Jack before making my way through to Blazes room. I needed something to take the edge off. Something that would make me forget what I did. Once in his room I locked the door behind me and headed straight for his bathroom. Turning the shower on I broke the seal on the bottle of Jack and started drinking it. I didn't care that it burned as it slide down my throat I didn't care that I felt sick. I wanted to forget at least just for a couple of hours. Pulling the bottle away from my lips I wiped my mouth catching my reflection in the mirror. At this moment I didn't recognise the girl looking back. How could I go from being a happy go lucky girl with everything I've ever wanted to this? Bringing the bottle back to my lips I took another long drink before balling my hand into a fist and forcing it through the mirror. I didn't like what I saw, I didn't like that I had changed, changed into a person I didn't recognise. Dropping my hands to my sides I stumbled towards the shower and got in not bothering that I was still fully clothed.

Sliding down the wall I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them. As the water battered of my back I couldn't control my emotions as my tears started to fall. Ever since I moved here nothing has went right. No matter how hard I try or how hard I push myself there's always something there waiting to knock me down. Feeling the vibrations against my hip I pulled out my phone and threw it across the room watching as it hit of the radiator. I wasn't in the mood for talking with anyone. Bringing the bottle back to my lips I kept on swallowing until I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat. As the bottle slipped from my hand I leaned forward as I vomited. Coughing and spluttering I fell backwards against the wall closing my eyes as I wiped at my mouth.

.....

I don't know how long I stayed like that but once the pounding started in my head I knew it was time to get out. Getting myself to my feet I picked up the bottle I dropped and stumbled towards the bathroom door. I don't know why I thought drinking would make me feel better. It only made me feel ten times worse. My head was pounding my eyes were sore and my hand was burst open. Unlocking it I pulled it open wincing when it smacked against the wall. Setting the bottle on his chest of drawers I began to strip out of my wet clothes. Every piece of my clothing was soaked right through. Pulling my jumper and T-shirt off together I chucked them over my head not caring where they landed. I knew I couldn't drink for shit but I never realised how quickly it would go to my head. Standing in my bra and jeans I grabbed the bottle and again took another large drink. Screwing my face up I quickly swallowed it down trying to ignore the burning in my throat. Bottle in hand I began unbuttoning my jeans, with them being wet they felt like a second skin making it harder for me to get them off. Taking another drink again I chucked it behind me not caring where it landed. Hearing the smash made me turn round causing me to fall over my own feet and fall flat onto my face. Feeling the laughter build up inside of me it slipped from my lips as I was currently face planting the carpet. "What the fuck?"

Turning my head to where his voice came from I gave him a sloppy grin. "Are you going to help me up?" I laughed "Or are you just going to stare at me?".