Way of the Wolf: Redemption

Trigger Warning

The snow reflected so much of the sun it was almost blinding but I didn't feel the cold. Trailing further into the forest, basket hanging off my arm, I kept my eyes peeled for the bright red berries. I stopped to pick them, my swollen belly making it hard to lean down and get what I needed.

Crouching in the snow, I decided to try one and smiled at the sweetness of it on my tongue. Everything was calm, serene, nothing making a sound. I looked up at the sky, closing my eyes to soak in the sun.

A branch snapped behind me and I whipped around to see a huge wolf. Drool dribbled from its mouth, sharp fangs bared as the beast growled.

Valdis.

He'd found me.

I screamed for help and the sound bounced around but there was no one to hear it. Valdis crept closer as I scrambled back, kicking up snow in a flurry of white. I held my hands up in front of my belly, desperate to save the pup I could feel kicking.

The wolf pounced and I screamed again in fear. There was nothing I could do to save myself. Sharp fangs tore easily through my dress and buried themselves in the flesh of my belly. I gripped at fur, trying to tear Valdis from me but it was useless. Blood sprayed out in violent red, covering the snow that steamed under the heat.

I felt the very moment my pup began to die, more blood spilling out from between my thighs. The world began to dim and swirl around. I screamed again in grief, my body on fire with the agony that raced through my veins.

***

The hand rubbing my back did little to help as I gripped the side of the bucket outside. My head pounded so hard I was sure it was going to explode and then my stomach was squeezing again and I heaved once more, only there was nothing left in my stomach.

"This isn't normal, Freydis. You've never been sick this bad before," Bjarke fretted, keeping my hair away from my face as he continued to rub my back.

I didn't have the heart to tell him what I'd seen, that I didn't think this was just because of morning sickness. My dream had woken me up with such panic that it had taken my mate the better part of an hour to calm me down. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Valdis covered in the blood of my pup and my body reacted. No matter how many times I told myself it was only a dream, I couldn't shake it.

Trembling, I sat back and wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my dress with no care how disgusting that might have been.

"I feel better now," I lied, leaning back against him.

He hummed and I knew he knew I was simply trying to ease his worry. He rubbed up and down my arm then reached out to touch my bump. I reacted instinctively, snarling and shoving his hand away as I clambered to my feet and stumbled away.

Hurt flickered through the bond and Bjarke slumped back on his knees with a frown, hand still hanging in the air.

"I'm sorry," I rushed, reaching out to cup his cheek but he stood and turned away. Now it was my turn to feel hurt.

"It's fine. You're feeling protective, and I'm not his father," he said, his voice too calm for my liking.

I flinched, feeling tears brim again. "Don't say that."

His jaw clenched and he kept his gaze from me. I felt helpless, especially as my mind forced the images of my dream back to the forefront. Was that what my dream was reminding me, who the father was?

I shook my head and reached out again, relief flooding through me when my Beta allowed me to take his hand. "You are his father. You are. Please don't ever say otherwise. Don't ever say he's not yours, I can't-"

"Hush, my female," he murmured, tugging me against his chest. His fingers tangled in my hair, his nose pressed against the top of my head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Of course he's mine."

I slid my hands beneath the tunic he wore so I could feel his skin against mine, nodding at his claim. With all my heart, I knew he meant it.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asked, turning me around so we could go for breakfast.

"Bad dream," I mumbled, feeling suddenly silly.

His arm tightened around my waist and I leaned against his side even though it wasn't exactly easy to walk that way. I kept my gaze on the footprints in the snow, ignoring the way the sight of it only made my dreams more vivid. Bjarke didn't push me to say more, perhaps because he could feel the anguish it caused me.

I felt a little better when we reached the hall. It was too busy and chaotic to dwell on bad thoughts as wolves passed food around, tended to fires, and avoided unruly pups. I smiled as I watched them, and was happy that they now smiled back. Nobody here was afraid of me anymore.

As soon as we approached the top table, my mother knew something was wrong. She stood and cupped my face in her hands, fussing over me while Bjarke chuckled and sat down.

"You look pale, and there's bags under your eyes. Have you been sick? Did you not sleep well? Have you seen Madden?" She fired off questions faster than I could answer and I pressed my cheek into her hand.

"She was sick but she's better now. She looks beautiful to me," Bjarke said, once again in tune with how flustered I felt.

She hummed, tipping my chin up. Once she was certain I was physically okay, she allowed me to take my place beside my mate. He'd made me a plate of food but I didn't recognise the thinly sliced meat. But my mother and Alpha Female wasn't finished with me yet and Fenna gave me a cheeky smile from across the table as she watched on.

"Maybe it was something you ate," she went on, green eyes burning a hole into the side of my face.

I was ready to lie to her, to tell her I was fine and that I simply suffered bad morning sickness but when my mouth opened, the truth tumbled out. Maybe that was the power of a mother-wolf over her pup.

"I had a dream. A nightmare. It was so real, but at the same time it wasn't. There was snow, but I wasn't cold." I shivered despite the fires burning, my gaze meeting hers. Bjarke was listening now too and I knew what I was going to say would worry him. "I was picking red berries and my belly was bigger. There was no breeze, no sounds of birds or animals, everything was still. And then I heard something behind me. Valdis. He attacked, he went for my belly. There was so much blood and I felt the very moment my pup. . ."

And that was all I could get out. My throat closed up, my hands trebling again and I tucked them beneath the table. Bjarke shuffled closer, finding a clenched fist and squeezing gently.

"Dreams are often formed by things we fear," Signy explained, brushing her knuckles over my cheek. "They don't always mean anymore than that. . ."

For some reason, her words had my mate growling. "Don't say things like that to her. Don't make her worry it could be something more. A dream is just a dream."

Signy went from mother to Alpha Female in a flash. Her whole demeanour changed as she straightened up and narrowed her eyes at my mate.

"Remember who you're speaking to, Beta. I don't mean to make her worry. In this case, yes, I think it's just a dream, but you know as well as I do that she's a daughter of mine. We see things others don't," she stated.

Bjarke bowed his head but he wasn't appeased. I placed my other hand on top of his and he gave me a small smile. I'd forgotten about what Sol had told me about Signy being descended from seers. Could she really see what others couldn't? It did spark a little fear in my heart. Could my dream have been more than simply my mind conjuring my worst fears?

"Perhaps your mate is right and I shouldn't have said that. Do you feel it was a vision?" she asked, looking a little guilty.

"I don't feel that what I saw will come to pass, but it did bring this sense of. . . foreboding," I answered, then frowned at what I'd said. Where had that come from?

The look on my mother's face was smug for a moment before she patted my arm. "I know that you and my grandson will be alright. I've seen it. Perhaps it was trying to warn you of something else, it will become clear."

I think she knew she was testing Bjarke's patience now. She got up from the table with the excuse of taking the pups outside to get them out of the way. Fenna slid across the bench so she was next to me.

"She told me I was destined to be Orin's mate. You get used to her fortune telling," she comforted.

Nodding numbly, I forced myself to start eating before my Beta could order me too. Fenna went back to eating too, chatting happily to Bjarke and I even though I wasn't really of the mind to listen.

Could my mother be right? Did such a thing as fate exist? I eyed my brother's mate with curiosity. Everyone sung her praises. She'd helped Orin in a ay nobody else had managed. Had fate planned it that way?

It certainly seemed as though fate played a hand in placing me back with the pack. Valdis could have led us anywhere the summer past, but he'd led us straight to my family. Had that been fate, destiny, was I always meant to be Bjarke's mate but carry the pup of another male?

That didn't sit well with me. What being could be so cold as to weave the threads of my life into something bloody and messy?

"Do you believe her?" I asked Fenna, cutting off whatever she'd been saying.

At first she looked confused but realisation donned and she hummed, looking pensive. "Before I came here, I felt out of place and restless; something was tugging at me and eventually I couldn't ignore it anymore. . . That feeling that had plagued me since I was a pup began to fade as I travelled with your brother, and if he hadn't found me and taken me in, I would have been a meal for a bear, was that fate?" She shrugged a shoulder as I soaked in her words. "It faded even more when we mated, in fact it felt like I'd found something I'd always been looking for and just hadn't realised it. I still want to see the world, but it's just a want now. Not a need like it was before. I do think I was meant for this life, whether a God or Norn planned it, I can't say. If they did, I think it wasn't just Orinfaer I was meant to find, but a place with this pack too. Sorry. . .that doesn't really answer your question."

"It answers it enough," I replied with a smile.

"Glad I could help." She smiled back, then leaned over so she could see my mate. "We're training the teens today. I'll see you there?"

He mumbled his reply through a mouthful of food and I couldn't help but chuckle. I knew he wasn't a fan of training the teenagers of the pack. He found them uncaring of what he tried to teach, easily distracted, and more interested in impressing the opposite sex. Sometimes the same sex, I'd noted.

"I have to go to Madden," I said, pushing my plate away.

He caught my hand before I could leave, a frown creasing his brow. "You've barely eaten."

I eyed my plate again, then grabbed an apple from the middle of the table. "I'll take this with me."

He studied me for a minute before releasing me and nodding. Reaching over for my leftover food, he tugged it towards him and I smirked. Was this male ever full? Pecking his cheek, I slowly got to my feet and tried to hide that the world tipped on its axis. I felt so strange today but shook it off. I'd feel better after getting lost in my lessons with Madden, even though I hated that he sometimes used me as a prop. I was the only pregnant female in the pack now, so there was only me to use.

I carefully wound my through the hall, one hand rubbing the ache low in my back, a pain that had become a constant companion. A smile slipped onto my face as wolves bid me good morning by name, or my title as Beta Female despite the fact I hadn't earned it. Some even stopped to ask me how I was, how the pup was, if I'd thought as names. While I was nervous speaking to them, it warmed my soul to know they genuinely wanted to know.

Finally managing to get outside, a gust of icy wind blew from the mountains and chilled me to the bone. I paused at the bottom step of the hall and cursed myself for not bringing my mittens with me. A burst of cold white in my face and my mouth fell open as snow dripped from my chin. The pups that had been playing all froze even as I heard my mother trying to stifle her laughter.

Tordis shoved the young male next to her, baring little fangs as she rose to my defence.

"I'm sorry!" he cried out, looking close to tears. I recognised him from the river, the one who'd sparred with words with the female growling at him.

Narrowing my eyes, I carefully crouched down to scoop up some snow and tossed it in his direction. My aim was a little off, barely grazing his arm and for a while the pups just stood and stared at me in shock. None of them seemed sure of how to react to me taking part in their games. It wasn't until they realised I wasn't angry, and encouraged by my mother's laughter, did they decide to laugh too, pointing and making fun of the young male I'd hit.

Tordis giggled and he scowled at her, quickly turning to start up their snowball fight once more. I was sure the pair weren't really enemies, in fact I had the feeling they rather liked one another. A flash of them together appeared in my mind's eyes caught me off guard. They were older, heads close together, and I froze once more only for it to quickly fade away.

Blinking, my surroundings cleared up again and I caught mother's gaze. She was watching me with a knowing glint in her eyes before she looked towards the two pups. Somehow, I knew my mother had seen the same thing. Was this what she'd been talking about earlier? The things we could see that others couldn't.

More snowballs came my way and I darted for cover behind the nearest tree. I was behaving like a pup, I knew that, but I couldn't help but grin as I scooped more snow into my frozen hands. The pup's squealed in delight as they dodged my attacks and my laughter soon joined theirs.

It wasn't until the sleeves of my dress were soaked through and my cheeks were flushed from exertion that my mother stepped in. I panted softly as she gave me a playfully scolding look. She wiped my cheeks and chuckled.

"Madden will be waiting on you," she chided, catching my chin before I could look away in guilt. "But I am happy to see you enjoying yourself."

My cheeks ached from grinning during the fight as I smiled. I tipped my head into my mother's touch. "I'll go now."

She nodded and went back to her post by the oak tree to keep an eye on the pups that still played. For another stolen minute, I hovered and watched, trying to picture a male that maybe looked a little like me running around with them. My mind immediately conjured a pup that looked like Bjarke, with brown hair and brown eyes. Then that morphed to one that looked like Valdis and something sharp stabbed through my heart.

A strong kick from my pup startled me back to reality, almost as if he was warning me away from such dark thoughts. I smiled down at my bump, rubbing over the spot he'd kicked. He was a strong one, I was certain of that. I must have looked comical after all these months. While I was filling out, my frame was still too skinny, but my belly had swollen and rounded out. My back ached from the awkward way I had to carry myself now.

It wouldn't be too long until my time came. And in the next few days, the hunters would start returning with their catch. And in a few weeks, maybe a month, I would give birth to my pup. I smiled up at the sky as I crossed the clearing to Madden's hut, filling up with joy at the life that was unfolding for me here.

Madden had the fire burning for me I noted as I stepped inside, but the male was nowhere to be seen. His bag was missing too, so I assumed he was off tending to an injury. Raking through a cupboard, I took out a mug and set about making some ginger tea as I'd been taught. Though I wasn't feeling sick now, I'd acquired a taste for it. Bjarke called it a pregnancy craving. For some reason I'd gotten defensive and I pointed out he was forever eating apples but I was certain he wasn't pregnant.

My lips twitched as I remembered the look he'd given me.

Another kick of the pup had me stumbling, reaching out for the counter as it knocked the breathe from me. I needed a minute to compose myself, my eyesight was blurry and the ache in my back made itself known once more.

"Restless today," I breathed, rubbing my bump as if to settle the wriggling pup.

Once I'd regained my balance, I began to take slow sips of my tea. The steam warmed my cheeks and I moaned softly, glad of the heat, even if it burned my tongue.

The next kick and the mug slipped from my hand, clattering to the ground and spilling tea everywhere. I could hear the blood rushing past my ears and I let out a slow breath to retain some semblance of calm. But I knew deep down something was off.

Something had shifted.

I pressed my hand down on my belly like Madden had taught me, feeling for the pup's position. He'd moved, twisted. I couldn't let myself feel fear yet, however. I'd overreacted before only for it to be nothing. As I turned to go in search of the healer, the door swung open, but it was Aljana that stepped inside. She bobbed her head in greeting and I was used to her stern expression now, understanding it wasn't a dislike for me.

I was about to ask her where her mate was but my whole body tensed as pain laced through me, alongside the sensation of something wet dripping down my leg. Aljana's eyes went wide, and I let out a low, shuddering groan. My nails dug into the wooden table beside me, using to keep myself upright.

Aljana was frozen to the spot, lips parted with an unasked question as she watched me tremble.

"Freydis?" Concern laced her tone and she took one slow step towards me. Her nose was in the air, crinkling at whatever scent she found.

My thoughts were too muddled to catch on at first but when I took another deep breath, I caught onto what she found. My waters had broken. But it was tainted with something else.

"It's too soon," I whispered to myself, fear curling around my spine.

Far too soon.

Flashes of my dream reappeared, the copper of blood filling the air and it took me a moment to realise the smell was real. Blood stained my dress and I lifted up a shaky hand to see it cover my skin, hot and sticky.

Aljana was at my side in flash, her arm going round my waist just as my legs gave out beneath me. My voice came out soft and shaky as I repeated the same words over and over in a trance.

It's too soon.

And was it my fault too? I'd slipped outside, hit the ground, had that been what started this?

Aljana was trembling as she tried to calm me down, her own hands and arms covered in blood as she lifted up my dress. I shouldn't have looked down when she gasped, I could see the horror in her eyes and a long whimper left me as I saw my legs were drenched in red.

"Okay, it's okay. I'm going to get you lying down and then I'm going to get help," she said, trying to remain calm, a tight smile in place. Her arm went back around my waist but I fought her as she tried to guide me to the bed.

"Not here, I want my den, my bed," I argued, even though I knew it was irrational but I couldn't beat back the swell of fear. If I was going to die, if I was going to lose my pup, I wanted it to happen in one of the only places I felt at peace.

The understanding in her eyes only made it worse. Did that mean she feared as I did? Was this me losing my pup? Blue eyes shimmered but she nodded and stood, hooking my arm over her shoulder.

"Can you walk?" she asked quickly.

I nodded, even though my legs were shaking so badly I was sure they'd give out beneath me again. But Aljana was strong and I knew she'd keep me up. As we made our way out the hut, everything went suddenly numb. Fear and worry faded away as I stared at the blood on my hand, taking one step after the other without really noticing.

Aljana was yelling something, her voice shrill, yet commanding. All I could do was try and think about the life I'd built up in my head that I was watching bleed away. I'd never even discussed what we would call the pup with Bjarke, I kept putting it off. Even pups that never really were, deserved names. I wouldn't let him go to the care of the goddess of death without a name.

Another round of cramping pain and my body curled in on itself. Aljana struggled to keep me up and I could vaguely see my mother on my other side, her voice by my ear.

"You stay with me now, Freydis. Aljana is going to get Madden. Everything will be okay."

I shook my head, unable to tear my eyes from the way the blood had seeped into the lines of my palm.

Nothing was going to be okay. Nothing would ever be okay again.

If I'd eaten what I was meant to, if I'd rested when Bjarke insisted, maybe this wouldn't be happening. I'd overexerted myself when playing with the pups. Wrong after wrong swirled around my head, every single thing I could have done to prevent this adding to the weight in my chest.

"You need to breathe." A voice ordered.

Had I stopped breathing?

I forced myself to do as told, sucking in a breath that nearly turned to a splitter.

A fresh wave of crippling pain and blood, and I closed my eyes, feeling my heart break in my chest. Were the Norns still not finished tormenting me? My pup didn't deserve this. Was this punishment for the horrible thoughts I'd had when I'd first found out I was pregnant, for the times I'd wished he never was, for the times I'd felt sick at the idea of carrying the child of one of my rapists?

But I'd taken that all back now!

I sobbed, squeezing my eyes shut and Signy could no longer keep me up on her own. We both staggered in the snow but for some reason she wouldn't let anyone else close enough to help. Or was it me that was growling whenever someone tried?

A flicker of the bond and I recognised my mate's boots appear in my line of sight. I couldn't lift my head to look at him, terrified of what I'd see in his eyes. Shame and guilt tore at everything I was.

This was all my fault.

My Beta gently pushed my hand away so I couldn't stare at the drying blood.

"I've got you," he promised, lifting me up to cradle me against his chest.

I shook my head, a thick tongue trying to say that he'd get covered in blood but he only hushed my protests. My arm hung limp by my side now, my mother reaching out to take it in hers, uncaring of the mess.

They both moved quickly, talking quietly to each other as I was rushed to my den to lose the only piece of myself I'd truly loved; a piece of myself I wasn't being allowed to give life to.

"It's my fault." I managed to force the words out. "I slipped, it's my fault."