Way of the Wolf: Redemption

I worked the loom in quiet concentration, only pausing to wipe sweat from my brow or place a hand on the aching spot on my back. Katrin looked up from where she was sat on a bench with her pup held to her breast. The little female was a noisy eater and I smiled down at them both.

They'd named her Ásdís, and it suited her.

My hand fell over where my own pup rested. The bump couldn't be hidden anymore and I never knew I would miss seeing my own toes. In the weeks since my father and brother had left for the hunt, my body had changed even more. There was meat to my bones now, my skin a less sickly pale.

"You should take a break," Katrin said, watching the way I held myself. "Bjarke won't be happy if he has to carry you fast asleep after dinner again tonight."

"I like working the loom. It helps me digest everything Madden teaches me," I replied, straightening up to finish.

Katrin hummed but she didn't look too pleased. These wolves were a protective bunch, every one. They were always watching and offering to help me, even with simple tasks that a blind wolf could do. It had been sweet at first as they all tried to make me feel welcome and cared for, no more fangs and growls aimed my way, but it had become frustrating now.

Looking towards the door, I could see the snow falling. It wasn't too heavy, but it was beginning to stick on the ground instead of melting away under the sun. Fenna was sat with my mate and a few others that had given up training to fight in the cold and wet. They were amusing themselves with games of strength and I smirked as I watched my brother's mate arm wrestle Hagan, easily slamming his arm against the table.

She thrust her arms in the air, crying out something triumphantly in a language I didn't know. The language of her old pack.

"Witness my might!" she repeated in English for us, making my mate roll his eyes. He took up position in front of her, smirking when he offered his hand.

They were pups, all of them.

Katrin chuckled, turning to watch too. I forgot all about my work, sitting by her to watch too. My Beta looked confident as Fenna took his hand, but Fenna looked equally as sure of herself. Hagan thumped Bjarke's back, muttering something in his ear that made him smirk.

The muscles in his arm strained as they began, his smirk disappearing as he pushed against Fenna's hand. The whole hall went quiet, and though my she kept her expression neutral, I could tell she was struggling. My mate was stronger, and ever so slowly, he got her hand closer to the table. Fenna grunted, shifting on the bench but it was no use. She cursed as Bjarke forced her arm down, glaring at the wolves that laughed and cheered on their Beta.

"I could still beat you in a fight," she sniffed, though there was a small smile curling her lips to show there was no bad feelings between them.

"I'm sure," he agreed, sitting back and looking around. "Who thinks they can beat me."

Nobody took up his offer and Fenna looked ready to go again. But then I found myself standing up and calling out, "I think I can beat you, Beta."

My mate tried not to laugh as he bowed his head and motioned for me to sit across from him. Katrin stood with me and took a seat closer to the rest of the wolves. I regretted my claim immediately but my wolf was pushing me to at least try, to show the pack I wasn't as weak as they believed or wanted me to be.

I sat where Fenna had, and she stood behind me.

"Give him all you've got, sister," she encouraged.

Hesitantly, I placed my elbow on the table and took my mate's hand in mine. I could feel his strength already, and I was sure I was going to lose, but I liked that wolves were shouting out their own encouragement for me. I felt a little more like a true member of the pack.

"I won't go easy on you," he warned, his thumb brushing over my knuckles and sending spark over my skin. He was trying to distract me.

Narrowing my eyes, I tightened my grip, allowing my wolf to rise to the surface. Maybe he realised I wasn't going to go easy on him,, or that I might be tougher to beat than he thought, because his expression became more serious and I could see the red in his eyes again. It made me puff up with pride. He believed I'd be a challenge.

"Go!" Hagan yelled.

The force with which my mate pushed my hand was a jar to my system and I gasped, only just managing to keep from hitting the table. A growl rumbled from my chest and I pushed back against him until we were back in the middle again. Murmurs started up, someone at the back of the room accusing Bjarke of taking it easy on me. My Beta growled, glancing briefly in her direction. But I was under the same impression, staring in amazement as he slowly started to give.

Power filled my veins, crackling in the air. I barely noticed wolves heads begin to bow under the pressure as my wolf made itself known. I kept my instincts tightly under control usually but there was no hiding anymore. My arm felt like it was going to snap, and I huffed and puffed, struggling to force Bjarke's hand down anymore.

I thought about every time a male had gotten the better of me, every time I'd appeared weak and feral to my pack, and something panged in my chest. An almighty crash rattled the table as Bjarke's hand was forced down.

When I looked back up, it wasn't Bjarke I saw, it was a younger Orin, a young teen growing into himself. I snatched my hand away, squeezing my eyes shut as my head began to pound. Images of my past flashed behind closed lids, my heart hammering so fast it was deafening. It was all blurry, disconnected, as if I was watching someone else's life and not my own.

A warm hand cupped my cheek, drawing my gaze to my mate. He was crouched beside me now, frowning and repeating my name. I looked around at the wary faces of the pack.

"You're the reason I fell out of the tree," I breathed, that moment crystal clear to me. Being high up amongst the branches of a great oak, trying to get a closer look at the Beta training by the river with my brother and father.

His frown deepened. "What?"

I shook my head, rubbing the throbbing at my temples. The world felt like it was fading away, my stomach rolling and twisting until I was sure I'd be sick. Getting shakily to my feet, I grabbed onto my mate until my thoughts slowed down.

"I think. . .I think I remember," I said, looking up at him. "I remember arm wrestling Orin and him letting me win, I remember falling out the tree and my father being furious, learning to fish, being in France. . ."

And that's where I stopped, because now I could remember the end of that life as clear as day. Orin and I standing by a river. I ran away, I'd been upset with him about something. I'd known I was being followed so I started to run, even as my brother called my name and begged me to come back. The creature, the vampire had caught me, fed then dumped my body in the river like I was little more than prey.

A jug of water was pressed into my hands and those memories slowly drifted away as I stared into the eyes of my mother. I drunk as she told me to, slowly but greedily because suddenly I was parched. As my eyes scanned over her face, it was difficult to picture how she used to look, I'd still only been a pup. There were new lines by her eyes, and her gaze seemed older, but she was still the mother I remembered.

I didn't know whether to say anymore. Everyone was looking at me like I'd gone mad. My Beta rubbed his hand up and down my leg, staying crouched before me. Besides, even though I remembered, that pup was still dead to me. I still wasn't her. I wasn't who she'd have become if she'd never gone missing.

"I love you, móðir," I whispered, fighting back the tears that stung my eyes. Green eyes widened before shimmering with tears too and my mother pulled me tight into her arms, clinging onto me as if she never planned to let go. They'd been simple words, I wasn't good at speeches, but I'd chosen them carefully.

"I love you too, my female." She pulled back and cupped my cheek, her forehead pressed against mine. "Do you remember what I told you you'd be?"

I nodded, closing my eyes. While Orin was going to become Alpha, my parents were going to have me grow to be Beta, supplanting Bjarke. Taking her hand in mine, I gave a gentle shake of my head. "I don't want that anymore. I'm happy simply being Bjarke's mate, a midwife, a tattooist, and maybe in the future Beta Female. Please don't push me to be more."

"Nobody will push you to be anything you don't want to be," she promised, her voice shaky as she stroked my cheek. "But you did just beat Bjarke."

My mate grumbled when someone snickered behind me, and I had the feeling it was Fenna. That was something I hadn't even really noticed. I had beaten him. It should have been impossible, I barely had the energy to walk from the hall to my den some days.

"Like I said a while back, you may not want to fight but your wolf does. That primal part of you knows who should be and if the day does come where you challenge me and win, I will bow down to you without question," Bjarke stated.

I frowned, confused. Males didn't bow down to females. Packs were led by males, supported by their mates, female's, at least that's what I thought I'd learned since living amongst a pack. Something about seeing my mate bow down to anyone sent a ripple of unease through my fur. He quickly took my hand, rumbling gently until I felt calm once more.

"I don't want you to submit to me."

My mate chuckled and smiled, my mother moving out the way so he could press a kiss to my lips. "Then maybe we will lead as equals, side by side."

That did sound better. Even if I was sure I'd never manage such a thing. I was no leader. The only time I'd ever shown that I was a dominant wolf was when I'd helped keep Dirk in line while Katrin gave birth. Soon I would be the one giving birth and I frowned when I was hit with something I'd never thought about before. Would my pup be Bjarke's heir? Or would any pups we had together take that spot? I didn't want to ask, not when there was so much else going on.

Pulling me to my feet, Bjarke allowed the next group of wolves to take their place and play their games. It was a good way of keeping the younger adults occupied when they couldn't do much due to the weather. My mother still hovered, and while I wished I could put my past behind me, I knew I couldn't. Maybe it was time to tell my story, to fill in the missing pieces so we could all move forward.

As always, my Beta seemed to read my thoughts and led me over to a quiet corner of the hall. Fenna followed to, sitting across from my mate and next to Signy. I took another sip of the water, struggling to piece together the memories I'd thought were lost to me. Maybe if I'd been older when I disappeared, they'd be clearer to me.

"Do you really remember," Signy asked, and I understood her hesitancy. I could barely believe it myself.

Tugging Bjarke's arm around me so I could pull on his strength, I nodded slowly. Closing my eyes again, I tugged on the bits I could remember.

"Some things. I remember being here, I remember you, Jakkon and Orin. Small flashes, like drawings in colour. This place has always felt familiar to me," I began, picking at my nail. Maybe I shouldn't say anything, it would only cause more hurt, and I didn't want to have to repeat it all for my brother and father when they returned.

"The day. . .the day you vanished. Do you remember that?" There was that heartbroken look in my mother's eyes again. One that I now knew was all my fault.

Fenna began to stand up to give us privacy but I reached out for her, making her pause. "You're family too. You can stay."

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," she said, looking between us all.

"Stay," I repeated, forcing a smile as she slowly sat back down.

Bjarke's fingers were rubbing patterns in my side, soothing the nerves that coiled around my stomach. He was quiet now and I could feel his anguish through the bond. It was my time to comfort him and I placed my hand on his thigh, smiling when he slowly relaxed a little. He didn't want to hear my story, I knew that. I'd told him a little, enough that I knew if Valdis ever appeared, my mate wouldn't give him a quick death.

I lifted my head, forcing myself to hold my mother's gaze as I admitted brokenly, "I think it was all my fault. I can't remember everything, but I remember being angry with Orin. I remember thinking that if I ran away and hid for a bit, he would get into trouble. But I ran too far and got lost, and then something was coming for me. A vampire. . .that's what he was hunting wasn't it? I think it thought I was dead when it tossed my body in the river."

Signy made an odd choking sound and Fenna reached out to take her hand. I was jealous of their relationship, how close they were.

"It's not your fault, you were only a pup," my mate argued, his fingers going to my hair because he knew it calmed me down.

Shrugging helplessly, my gaze fell to the table.

"He's right. You and Orin were close, but you were always fighting over something. It's not your fault," Signy added. "Never think that anything that happened was your fault. Promise me that."

I wasn't sure I could. I'd been raised after that to believe most things were my fault. If Valdis and the others missed out on a meal, it was because I wasn't fast enough in the hunt. If a male beat or raped me, it was because I'd been asking for it. I knew differently now, but it was hard to shake of years of having that ingrained in me.

"I promise," I murmured, because I couldn't bear to see my mother so upset.

Giving me a watery smile, she reached out with her free hand to take mine in the table. "What happened after that?"

"I don't think you want to know," I answered.

There was determination in her gaze and she repeated her question for me. Bjarke stiffened a little and I thought about giving him an out but I doubted he'd take it. He'd sit and listen to everything I said.

"Everything goes a bit fuzzy after that again. I remember spending most of my time in fur to keep warm, and hunt. I'm not sure how long I wandered around alone. All I know is I was close to starvation but the time I was found. Two wolves, a mated pair I think. Wanderers, not as far gone as Valdis but they were tough and didn't go easy on me because I was a pup," I explained, the room growing dim around me as I was sucked into those memories. "I was with them for a few months before we got separated. I followed a pack of wild wolves for a while after that and ate any scraps they left, which really wasn't much. I'm not sure how long I was there."

"Then a group of Wanderers found me. They were. . .violent. Everything was a fight and struggle. If only I knew how good I had it with them. I was still a pup, I hadn't had my first heat so the males left me alone. I stopped thinking about being lost, or about a family I might have somewhere. Wolves came and went amongst that group, there was never any real leader. We moved around a lot, the longest we stayed in one place was a few weeks at most. I was with them for years, well into my teens but I'd still never experienced a heat cycle. When we started travelling North. . ."

I stopped, feeling my chest close up. Because when we started North, that was when Valdis had appeared. I think they all knew what was coming next too from the way nobody seemed to breathe. My eyes caught the faces of others in the hall who were listening in not so subtly. I didn't mind. Let them hear. Let them know what some females suffered through.

"I thought him quite handsome at first. He gave me food, he paid attention to me, I began to feel a little stronger. Come to think if it, I think that was his plan all along. He took control of our group, more wolves joined. Everything was still a fight, winters especially. We'd travel south to escape the worst of it. That first winter with Valdis, I went into season, and he took his prize. And he enjoyed watching others take me too, until he got bored and wanted me back. I didn't know it was wrong, not really. It hurt, and I hated it, but I'd seen other females go through this. I thought it was simply how things were done." My voice no longer sounded like my own. I felt oddly detached from what I was saying. Low growls were tumbling from my mate's chest that were no longer soothed by my touch.

Fenna had gone pale, every line of her body tense. Signy tightened her grip on my hand and I wasn't sure if she said nothing so I could go on or because she couldn't bring herself to speak.

"And that was my life for years. Valdis spoke of packs, told us of the horrid they inflicted on our kind. He swore packs were jealous of the freedoms we had. He told me that males took females as slaves, marking them so no other could have them. I think about that sometimes. There was always such a fierce look in his eyes when he said stuff like that, I don't know if he made it up or if it was what he was told by another," I continued quietly. "By summer this year, we were struggling again. He led us deeper I to the wild and away from the humans, some weren't happy about that. We could often raid bins and occasionally even houses for food. Then we caught scent of the pack. And we attacked. My leg was broken. And he left me behind to be captured by you. Though he gave me a knife so I could take my own life before that happened. I almost did too. . ."

"You what?" Bjarke stammered, tipping my chin up so I was forced to look at him.

I swallowed, struggling to keep my eyes on his. "That knife I held against you, I'd held that to my heart before I heard you coming. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't do it."

"Because fate had other plans for you," Signy finally spoke up, her voice cracking. "The Gods wanted you here with us. You and the pup you carry."

I wasn't sure I believed in fate, and I knew very little of Gods.

"Either way, I'm home now." I looked back up at my mate, lifting hand to cup his cheek. My fingers brushed over stubble that made him look older, and a little wilder as well. I quite liked it.

He leaned down and kisses me so passionately, all feelings of sorrow and regret flew away. He smiled and nipped my lip before whispering, "Yes, my mate. You're home."