Way of the Wolf: Redemption

Aljana and the pups were standing in the deeper part of the river, and the little wolves listened to what the warrior told them with eagerness. She showed them how to hold the spear, how to stand in the water, how to strike at the fish. I doubted they'd catch anything. The pups were excitable, splashing about and barely able to keep still even when scolded.

Leaning back on my elbows, I soaked in the sun. It wasn't a particularly warm day, and there was a slight chill in the breeze, but it was nice none the less.

"How far along are you then?" Katrin asked from next to me. She was picking out the biggest berries in the basket to eat, happy to leave Aljana struggling with the pups.

"Around two months," I answered quietly. Chewing my lip, I tried to dredge up the courage to ask her what I needed to know. "Should I be able to feel him move?"

Katrin considered me for a moment before shaking her head. "It varies. Some mother's feel them quite early, others not until its proper kicks and wriggles. With Tordis, I kept feeling almost a flutter. I didn't feel that with this pup."

That made a little more of my worries melt away. I still hoped I'd feel it soon. No amount of words from Madden would make me sure he was okay until I felt it myself.

I asked everything else I could think of and she was patient when explaining something I didn't quite understand; like the nesting I'd been doing without realising. Food cravings. The way my body and mood might change. I avoided asking about giving birth, it wasn't something I wanted to face quite yet. She even let me feel her pup as he or she moved around and I grinned at the feel of a foot pressed against my hand.

"He keeps me up all night with his kicking. I'm glad he's due in the next few days. Our little pups will grow up together," she beamed.

That had never occurred to me. Our pups would be so close in age. I hoped they'd be friends. A pup needed friends. I'd make sure to give my child everything I never had, he'd grow up pack, never knowing true hunger or fear.

"Are you sure it's a boy?" I asked, moving my hand as the pup kicked again.

She shrugged, licking the juices from a berry off her fingers. "Nobody can know for sure, except Signy. She has a knack for guessing a baby's gender but she insists I'll have another female. I hope it's a male, I'd like to have one of each. What about you?"

"It's a boy." The surety in my voice made Katrin's eyebrow quirk up and I blushed a little. "It's just a feeling I have. I keep calling it he."

"You'll need to think of some names then. Dirk and I can't settle on one." Katrin sighed, glancing back out at the river where her female was trying to get the pups in line.

I was pondering over her words. Names had been another thing I hadn't thought of. What did I know about naming pups when I didn't even have a real name of my own? Did Bjarke have names he'd picked out already? I pushed those thoughts to one side. It didn't matter right now, I could worry about that later, alongside making sure the den had everything needed for the arrival of a new pup. I still had months left.

We fell back into silence and watched the pups. Aljana looked close to tearing her hair out as she narrowly avoided a brush with the spear a small male wolf held. I chuckled and Katrin shook her head. I wondered how Katrin had convinced Aljana so to do this. Madden had a long way to come in convincing his mate it was time for pups if her expression was anything to go by right now.

Tordis came splashing over after she'd had her turn and pouted at her mother. "Will you come paddle with me, mummy!"

"Not today, my pup. Maybe Freydis will paddle with you if you ask nicely though," Katrin suggested with a smug smile.

Wide eyed, I looked between mother and pup. Big golden eyes begged me to say yes as Tordis held out a small hand for me to take. She was the only pup not frightened of me after seeing my wolf. Very little seemed to phase her.

"I'll teach you how to catch a fish," she pleaded, tugging at my heartstrings with that jutting bottom lip.

I eyed the water warily, feeling muscles tense up. This little female was standing quite happily knee deep and there were plenty wolves watching on in case help was needed. My gaze flicked over to the rest of the pups, some no older than a couple years old. This part of the river was shallow, Aljana had chosen it for that reason. If I stayed in this area, the water would never go past my knees.

A little whimper from the pup and I found myself standing up without another thought. She grinned when I took her hand.

"I won't let you fall in!" she promised happily, tugging my hand gently.

Standing at the water's edge, I held my breath and dipped my foot in. It was like stepping into snow and I shiver went up my spine. Tordis and the other pups laughed as I squealed and that only made me more determined.

As if I was the pup, and Tordis was the fully grown she-wolf, she coaxed me in with encouraging words until I had to lift my dress to stop it from getting wet. Bunching the fabric up in one hand, I couldn't tell if the butterflies in my belly were from fear or excitement.

The pebbles were unsteady beneath my feet and I stiffened every time I felt them shift beneath my weight. Aljana straightened up when I reached where she stood. Ever so slowly, Tordis let go of my hand and I gave her a grin. It was actually quite refreshing having the cold water lap at my legs. My wolf wanted to play around and I crouched to splash a laughing Tordis.

"You'll scare the fish away," Aljana warned with a wink. "Do you want to try?"

She held the spear out for me but I shook my head. "I'll be even worse than the pups."

"See! You are bad it!" One of the pups announced, shoving the shoulder of another.

Before a fight could break out, Aljana let out a low growl and soaked the two of them with a swipe of the spear in the water.

"Behave! Or you'll not have any fish to have for tea," she said sternly.

If it weren't for the tiny lift at the corner of her lips, I might have believed she truly hated spending time teaching these pups. Perhaps she was beginning to soften at the edges and Madden would get a pup soon after all.

Spear in hand, Aljana moved to stand behind me. She smiled as I took it from her, eyes taking in my grip with a chuckle. "You've done this before."

I didn't bother correcting her. It did feel like I'd done it before as I stayed as still as I could. Aljana ushered the pups away so they wouldn't ruin my chances. Poised and ready, I watched the water for any flicker of movement. There was fish a little further down but I needed them to come closer.

"Keep still, be patient," Aljana instructed quietly.

The sound of the river seemed to fade away, all my focus on trying to prove myself in this. A dart of grey near the green slime clinging to the rocks and I struck swiftly. I felt the moment I pierced past scales and cried out in delight. Pulling the spear back out, I spun around with a grin.

"She caught one, mummy, she caught one!" Tordis yelled and I laughed as Katrin whooped and clapped from where she was sat.

"I think we've found another job for you. I've never seen someone catch a fish on their first try before," Aljana claimed, adding my wriggling catch to the basket.

Steady in the river now, I spotted another fish. "I can go again?"

"Of course." Aljana laughed. "You can go until the pups demand their turn. Though they look more interested in playing than learning. It'll be winter soon, they should be allowed to enjoy the last of the sun."

Fear of the river washed away and I felt steadier as I widened my stance. Striking again, I was no less pleased with this catch than I was with my first. Katrin cheered again but when I looked over, she was lying down with her eyes closed. Turning my gaze to the sky, I closed my eyes with the next breeze. I could smell the snow in the air, it wouldn't be too long.

"A winter baby," I murmured to myself, forgetting all about the spear in my hand. By winter's end, I'd have a pup.

"Bjarke will be happy. He was always meant to be a father." Aljana looked down, sliding a hand over her abdomen. Her stomach was flat, toned with muscle. I watched the crease between her brows deepen before she shook her head.

"How haven't you had a pup yet?" I asked, allowing one of the pups to take the spear from my hand.

Aljana flinched a little before straightening up to keep an eye on the young wolves. I made my way over to her, accepting her hand when fear flickered as I slid over a rock. She kept me from falling.

"There are herbs to stop it. I take them before my heats. I'm not ready to be a mother, I like being a warrior. I take pride in being amongst the best in the pack. Having pups. . .it is something I want, but not now. I'm lucky Madden is so patient," she explained.

I chuckled and nodded. She was right about that. If she asked it of him, I think Madden would lay the world at her feet. He was smitten. But so was she, even if she didn't show affection as much as the healer did.

We stood together watching the pups and I tried to imagine my own amongst them. I still couldn't rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I glanced at the warrior who was slowly becoming my friend, and I knew that despite her doubts, she'd be a good mother too.

"If anything happened to me, would you be a mother to my pup?" I murmured my question, making sure it was only for us to hear.

Everything about her tensed, blue eyes boring into mine in accusation. "Why would you ask that of me?"

"Because," I began, unable to shake the feeling that had clouded me since I'd found out about the pup. "Sometimes bad things happen."

If I didn't get stronger, who was to say I wouldn't lose him? Mother's died giving birth to pups all the time as well and I was no where near healthy.

"Nothing bad is going to happen. You and pup will both be just fine if our mates have anything to do with it," she assured me. Gripping a shoulder, she pointed at the pups. "Keep an eye on the little terrors for me. I'll be back in a minute."

I watched her make her way to Katrin with a sinking feeling. She was going to share what I'd said and it would get back to Bjarke. It would only upset him and I wouldn't have a real reason to give him for how I was feeling. Maybe it was simply because I couldn't remember my own parents and history had a habit of repeating itself.

Sighing, I returned my focus to the pups. They were indeed more interested in shoving each other in the water and using the spear to scare fish away than actually catching any. My heart skipped a beat every time one of them slipped but they always got back up, laughing and pouncing at whoever had pushed them. Eventually some of the older teens joined in too and I felt it safe enough for me to leave them to it.

Turning, the banking looking much further away than I remembered. I'd made it safely here holding Tordis' hand but now I had to make it back alone. I choose my steps carefully, holding my breath. My feet felt numb from the cold now and it was hard to test the steadiness of pebbles. I took the last few steps quickly, catching my balance on hard ground.

The bottom of my dress was drenched and clung to my legs that were red from the cold water. I passed by Katrin and Aljana, going straight to where Sol sat. He was alone now and I wanted to do something that would require focus so my thoughts would stop twisting and turning.

"Not afraid of the river anymore?" the old male asked without looking up.

I shook my head and sat down across from him, reaching for my box of tools. "It's just a river."

It was always the monster I'd been running from that had scared me more. Rubbing the scar on my neck, the opposite side to where Bjarke's mark was, I admitted to myself what I'd always known; my nightmares weren't just bad dreams.

Sol grunted but he seemed occupied with his own troubles today. I was happy to work in silence with him, accepting the criticism he offered when he paused to look at my work. I wanted to design something for myself even if I'd never get it tattooed on my skin. Something to remind me of the second chance I'd been given, of the pup that I carried.

Grabbing some charcoal, I drew the symbols I knew that represented motherhood, home, and fate. Then I drew them again and again, incorporating the three together in every way I could until I settled on one I liked. That got redrawn too, the size of my palm, and then I sat back. My fingers were smeared with black and one hand ached from gripping the charcoal so tight, but I was happy. I traced the lines slowly, admiring the first thing I'd made for my pup.

"Where do you want it?" Sol asked, studying what I'd created.

"I don't know if I want to put it on my skin," I said. I'd be happy hanging it up somewhere in my den, I wasn't sure I deserved to have it tattooed on me. That was a tradition of the pack.

"Nonsense," he scoffed, giving me a scolding look. "I'll do it for you. Choose where."

I gaped at him but he was busy taking out needles and ink. Panicking, I looked at the drawing. I wanted it to be somewhere I could see it, it was, after all, a reminder to myself. Pushing up the sleeve of my dress, I brushed my fingers across skin that was slowly beginning to gain colour again.

"Here," I decided, holding out my inner forearm for Sol.

He pulled my drawing closer to him and nodded, smiling. Excitement built as I watched him clean my arm and prepare the needle. I was ready for it to hurt, but I was sure I could cope. Another quick glance up at me and Sol asked, "Are you sure."

"I'm sure," I stated, free hand grabbing the table just in case.

The old male chuckled and started before I could over think. I gasped at the first prick of the needle, it stung but it was tolerable. Every so often he'd prick a nerve and I'd giggle as my finger twitched which amused my teacher. He copied the lines as if I'd drawn them myself, missing out no detail I'd added. Halfway through and it began to burn but I grit my teeth through it. I took pride in this moment, accepting the culture of the pack I now lived with. Bjarke would like it, I hoped.

When my mate did return, Sol was almost finished. He was going over the lines to thicken them a little and I couldn't stop grinning. It had been worth the pain and agony of having to sit so till for so long. Bjarke stood behind Sol, tipping his head as he studied the symbol on my arm.

"It's beautiful," he complimented. "It suits you."

It suits you, I wanted to say. That was the other reason I'd wanted it. It was in the style of the tattoos on my Beta's skin. Sol wiped away excess ink and sat back slowly. All that work at once had tired him out but he wanted to get it all done in one go for me.

"She designed it herself. You have a very talented mate," Sol said.

I blushed and shook my head. I hadn't done anything really, simply fitted three symbols together like a puzzle piece. Bjarke looked proud anyway and came over to my side. His fingers tipped my chin up and his lips pressed against mine. I murmured appreciatively as he kissed me deeply, staking his claim in front of the pack.

"When you're ready, I want to be the first you tattoo," he told me.

Smiling, I nodded because I wanted that too. "You won't be mad if I make a mistake?"

"You won't make a mistake." There was such surety in his words that I believed him. "Let's get you something small to eat and you can tell me what you did today."

Taking my hand, he helped me to my feet. I had the feeling I was going to grow frustrated with him. He'd had an excuse to carry me while my leg healed, and I knew he was going to use my pregnancy as an excuse to continue to coddle me.

He sat me close to the fire where there was already a plate waiting for me. I wondered how long he'd been back at the camp before I'd noticed him. Had he had time to get his report from Aljana and Katrin, was that why he was being so careful with me now?

I picked at the fish on the plate, eating slowly. The meat fell apart in my mouth and the taste was exactly what I'd been craving for days now. I'd had no appetite for deer, boar or rabbit, but I was ravenous for this. There was something else I wanted too, but I couldn't put my finger on what.

"I'm proud of you."

Blinking, I stared at the side of my mate's face. That hadn't been what I was expecting. "Why?"

"For facing your fear, for going into the river. I didn't think you would," he answered with a smile, knuckles brushing over my cheek.

I blushed but smiled, tipping my head into his touch. Had anybody ever said they were proud of me before? I couldn't remember but I found it filled me with such a sense of pride in myself. That was new too.

"I thought you'd be mad at me," I admitted. He reached over to take from my plate, smirking when I bared fangs at him.

"About what you said to Aljana?"

So she did tell him. My teeth ground together in irritation but I didn't want the day to be ruined by a slip of my tongue. He pulled me into his side, nipping gently at his mark. "I found you with a dagger to your heart, don't you remember?"

"I know," I sighed, looking up at him. "But that's not me anymore. I want to live. I want the pup to live. I just worry I'm not. . .strong enough."

"You are strong enough. I know you are. You and the pup will both be fine," he promised.

Kissing me deeply, he left me no more time to fret and like always, he knew how to keep my worries at bay. He made me tell him about my time with Katrin, grinned when I told him how I'd managed to catch fish, and admired the new tattoo on my arm.

The pack watched us with knowing smiles, and we sat with our heads close together as if we were the only two around.