Way of the Wolf: Redemption

This might be hard for some to read.

The next few weeks flew by smoothly. I spent my days by Sol's side doing various chores for him. He claimed he was too old to do them but we both knew he quite liked having someone running about for him. Not that I was complaining. Now that I knew how to make the ink, I was going to learn how to draw the patterns. There was more than just being able to draw them, it was understanding each meaning of the runes. I picked that up quickly.

There was no sign of Valdis and his wolves but the Alpha wasn't going to make the same mistake as last time in assuming they'd run away. He was sure they'd be back. In fact, I'd overheard him speaking to the Beta about how he was sure they'd come back, for me. In their eyes, I was a traitor. Something to be disposed of.

Even now that I was part of the pack, the Beta still acted as my keeper. I ate most meals at his feet, food that he'd picked for me. My portions were slowly getting bigger but I struggled to eat most of it. He'd finish anything I didn't eat. I wasn't sure why nobody had demanded I sit elsewhere. I wasn't a high ranked member of the pack, I'd learned that I had no right to sit where I did. But nobody challenged it and so I never asked.

I eyed the male sat behind me who was purposefully looking anywhere but at me. Attempts at seduction as Katrin had suggested had been flouted, but I'd never really tried to begin with. I didn't know how to be seductive, or sexy as Katrin had put it. Even the new dress she'd made me that fit better to my shape did little to hold his interest.

I'd been getting no more than a kiss to the top of the head or a kiss to the cheek from him. I got the distinct impression someone had told him to keep his distance and that upset me. Of course he still got my food and still slept beside me but he'd been talking about finding a place of my own once I was healthy. He wanted me gone.

Fingers rubbing my scalp stopped the growls I hadn't even noticed coming from me. He was forever telling me that my overthinking only got me wound up. What did he want me to do, stop thinking?

Pushing his hand away, I shuffled a little further from him and picked at what was left on my plate. I wasn't hungry today. Nothing appealed to me. I didn't even care that he'd scold me in front of everyone if I didn't at least try to eat. In fact, I could sense his growing irritation with me today. This had been the first lunch we'd shared together for a while and I hadn't so much as greeted him.

"You look pale today, Freydis." The Alpha Female frowned at me, nudging her mate. "Doesn't she look pale?"

The Alpha tipped his head as he studied me and I could have rolled my eyes at the worry in his expression. All of a sudden, this male had taken to looking after me as his mate did. I had my suspicions about who it was that told Bjarke to put space between us. Now I was pack, the Alpha pair were treating me like a pup, and God forbid their Beta had interest in a pup.

I wasn't allowed to leave the camp alone, I wasn't allowed to go to bed unless Bjarke was going so I wasn't alone, Sol had to oversee every chore I did like I might collapse at any second. They were either concerned for my help, or still unsure where my loyalties lay.

"I'm just a little tired," I excused, which wasn't a complete lie. Nightmares had been coming more and more often, mostly the same dream of being chased by darkness.

"Bjarke told us you've been waking up during the night," Alpha Jakkon prompted, blue eyes scanning my face.

I pinned the Beta with a glare but he was focussed on his plate. Of course he was relaying my ever move and breath. Every time I lost control of instincts, they knew. Anytime I refused to eat, he told them. Pack or not, holding title of guardian over me or not, I was still trapped under his eye.

"Is that why you're not eating?" Alpha Female Signy kept her voice gentle, always with soft smiles and touches.

I shrugged. I wasn't sure why I wasn't eating, I just didn't feel hungry. In fact, I felt full. Like if I ate anything, I was going to be sick. Or maybe I was going to be sick anyway because that numb feeling in my mouth had come back and I knew what followed. Something in my posture must have given that away. A flurry of voices that sounded far away and then a bucket was thrust in front of me just in time. Hands pulled my hair back as I threw up whatever was left in my stomach.

Someone else was rubbing my back in soothing circles, another wiping my mouth with a damp cloth before I was offered water. It was Madden in my line of sight I realised as blurry eyes lifted. I took slow sips as instructed and found that I actually felt much better now.

"Is she sick? Has she eaten something? Is there an allergy I don't know about? Do you think I've been making her eat too much?" Bjarke fired question after question, pulling me back to rest between his legs.

I huffed and wriggled, pushing him away. "I feel fine now."

But they weren't going to leave me alone. Bjarke continued to fuss over me and Madden finally stepped in.

"I'll take her with me and look her over, though I'm sure it's nothing to worry about if she feels okay now. She might have thrown up whatever was making her sick," he said, offering me his hand.

I took it gladly and hoisted myself up. Bjarke began to follow but the healer gave him a sharp look. "I think it best Freydis and I have some privacy. I might ask something she doesn't want you to hear."

Great. My nose scrunched a little, mind whirring over what he could possibly ask me that I wouldn't want Bjarke to hear. Madden remained firm, pulling himself to his full height.

"We have wolves to hunt down, Bjarke. Let them have their privacy and come with me," Alpha Jakkon ordered.

Brown eyes fell to me and I gave him a small, encouraging smile. Was it me comforting the Beta now? I was sure there was nothing wrong. Perhaps I'd eaten too much yesterday or something hadn't agreed with me, it happened.

"I'll come to check on you later," he told me, leaning down to brush his cheek against mine before turning to follow his Alpha.

The Alpha Female looked like she wanted to come with us too but she sent me on my way with a smile. Madden kept a hand on my lower back as we walked to the hut he worked from. I wanted to step away from his touch but now I was moving, the queasy feeling had returned a little.

He held the door open for me and motioned for me to step inside. There was a wooden bed against one wall and the air was filled with the floral and earthy scents of herbs and poultices. I took a seat on the bed and watched as Madden started grabbing a few items. He laid everything out on the bench and then came to sit in front of me.

I sat patiently as he pressed his hand to the back of my forehead and checked all wounds were healing. Motioning for me to stand, I resisted the urge to growl as his hands moved over me. His hand paused low on my abdomen, a crease forming between his brows as he gently pressed.

"When was the last time you were in season, Freydis?" he asked, ignoring the way I bristled as he moved his hand over my belly and hips.

The honest answer was I couldn't really remember. "Not too long ago. A couple months maybe. I don't really keep track of it."

Humming, he stood up and I didn't like that he suddenly kept his expression neutral. I sat back down slowly, fidgeting with the sleeves of my dress. I relaxed a little when he sat back down too.

"How do you feel? You didn't eat much today, nor this morning. When did you start feeling sick?" he questioned, resting his elbows on his leg.

"I wasn't hungry, nothing appealed to me. Everything smelt. . .off. I didn't know I felt sick until it was too late," I explained, fearing I had some disease.

"What about emotionally? Have you noticed any moodswings, sudden urges that you never used to have, perhaps you've become particular about the bedding or only want certain scents in your den?"

I frowned, not understanding why he was asking questions like those. I'd always been particular about how I wanted the furs in the Beta's home, I had since I arrived, but it had been many weeks now. I'd never had furs and blankets before, that was all. As for my mood, I often found myself struggling. Bjarke had said himself how irritable I could suddenly get for no apparent reason.

"Am I sick?" I whispered.

Madden's smile never reached his eyes as he shook his head. "No, you're not sick. But I want to try a test or two just to rule something out. If it's negative, and I can't see anything, I'd put it down to your body still getting used to eating daily."

"What would you be looking for exactly?" I was nervous now, hating that sorrowful look that seemed to haunt his eyes.

"I have a test I can run on your urine," he paused with a chuckle at my aghast expression. "And I can examine you for certain changes. I might get Signy to join us, it's an intimate examination. But I promise it won't hurt."

I hunched in on myself, frowning and wrapping my arms around my waist. He must have thought something was wrong or he wouldn't want to do these tests. He was lying to me.

"Where are you going to be looking? What are you looking for, what do you think is wrong with me?" I rambled, feeling panic rise until my skin shifted and pricked with the instinct to shift forms and protect myself.

Madden hushed me and took my hand, the rumble of his wolf not as soothing or strong as Bjarke's nor Signy's. "I just need to be sure, that's all. How about I do the other test first, if it's inconclusive, then we can worry about where I'll have to look."

With a harsh swallow, I nodded. Breathing came easier again and I loosened my grip of Madden's hand. Twisting to grab a small bucket, he gave me an apologetic look.

"I hope you've been drinking enough water," he teased gently and I rolled my eyes with blushing cheeks.

At least he left the room to give me some privacy, though I wondered what he could possibly be looking for in a bucket of piss. Still I did as he asked and then he sent me on my way, promising to come get me when he was finished and had results.

I was still unsure about what he could be looking for but I was feeling back to normal now. What was there to worry about after being sick once?

Shaking my head, I pushed all worries away. It was probably an infection or as Bjarke had said, something I ate. They were always making me eat new things I'd never seen or tasted before.

I found Sol at his usual table and slid onto the bench opposite him. He smiled and straightened up, eyes scanning over me. I had no doubt he'd seen the drama I'd caused earlier but was pleased he never brought it up.

"Do you want to try doing your first tattoo?" he asked, tipping his head.

Nodding eagerly, I forgot all about it too. Sol chuckled and picked up a smaller version of the box he kept the tools of his trade in and I eyed it curiously. It looked brand new, wood shavings still lingering in newly carved symbols. He opened it up to reveal the contents and I leaned in closer. There were new jars with the solution used to keep everything sterile, charcoal, needles, a pot of ink.

"This is for me?" I asked, unable to quite believe it.

Sol nodded, pushing it towards me. "It is. Garraidh helped make the box, he does most of the woodwork here. Madden offered a few of his jars."

Brushing my finger over the lid of the box, I tried to remember if I'd been taught this symbol yet. No matter how hard I wracked my brain, the meaning didn't come to me. It was beautiful non the less and I was ever so grateful, feeling my eyes sting with tears. Why was I crying? I straightened up, unused to such a sudden swell of emotion.

"Thank you," I murmured, giving him a real smile. "I love it. Does this mean I get to tattoo someone now?"

"Not quite." He chuckled, pulling over a piece of something that smelt like meat but I couldn't place from what animal. "You can practice on this for now. Skin is skin. At least this way, if you make mistakes, you won't have an angry wolf to deal with."

My lips twitched in amusement and while I was a little disappointed, I was relieved too. I was sure I was going to make plenty of mistakes before Sol let me anywhere near a wolf. There was already a pattern drawn on the flesh and Sol left me to my own devices as he got back to his own work.

I was almost giddy with excitement as I poured some ink out. Needle clutched my hand, I hesitated. I wanted to do well but I was worried this would come out badly, even if it was just on a bit of. . .boar maybe?

Feeling Sol watching me again, I forced myself to make the first prick. After that, my confidence grew. It was easy to follow the simple design, easily keeping to the lines with no mistakes so far. The work was a little messy and I managed to spill some of the ink but Sol never once stopped me to say I was doing anything wrong. Although that was maybe his plan, to let me see the mistakes myself.

My hand began to cramp from the award grip of the needle and my neck strained from looking down for so long. I took a moment to roll my shoulders before pushing to finish. Sol taught me never to rush, and I tried to keep to that.

Grabbing a wet cloth, I wiped away excess ink and sat back with a smile. It wasn't great, it wasn't terrible either. Sol leaned over to study it with careful eyes and I didn't miss the slight tilt to his lips. He pointed out where I'd maybe gone a little deep, and where I needed to go a little deeper.

"It's good," he complimented, lifting his gaze to smile at me. "It won't be too long before Bjarke might trust you with his skin."

I snorted at that, then frowned as I spotted Madden running from the healer's hut. He didn't come this way, instead he half walked, half jogged over to the Alpha Female. Heads close together, he whispered something to her and she too frowned then followed him back to the hut. A shiver went up my spine.

Was she sick? Was it about me, had Madden found something?

A cough from Sol followed by a stern look and I quickly got back to work. My efforts became half hearted, worries niggling away until I couldn't even sit still. My gaze kept going back to the hut. They'd been in there a while now.

Loss of concentration brought a sharp sting and I yelped, dropping the needle from my hand. Cursing, I rubbed ink from my hands with a cloth and quickly dropped some of the alcohol over it. The burning had me gritting my teeth.

"If you're not going to be careful, I'll take it all away from you," Sol warned, laughter in his tone.

I scowled and decided to put everything away myself. I was in no state of mind to be doing this now. "Is there anything else you need done?"

Sol hummed in thought but shook his head and I slumped. Maybe I could convince him to let me check the traps so I could burn off this restless feeling.

"I'm going for a walk," I stated, getting to my feet.

"Stay in the camp," he replied, glancing briefly up at me to make sure I'd heard.

I wanted to roll my eyes but I nodded. It was easier to go along with it than argue. That had been something I'd learned quickly. While I was pack now, it hadn't been too long ago my mistakes had nearly cost them dearly. Trust was still being built up.

Despite knowing it was wrong, I made my way slowly over to the hut Madden and Signy were still inside. I tried not to make it obvious, pretending to be interested in the flowers as I strained to hear what was being said inside. All I could hear was mumbling and then the creak of the door that had me suddenly standing ramrod straight. Eyes burned into my back and I held my breath.

"Come inside, Freydis." I cringed at the sound of my Alpha Female's voice and turned to see her standing at the door.

Obviously I hadn't quite been as subtle or as quiet as I thought. I tried to gauge what was going on by her stance; she looked like she was going to scold me for eavesdropping. My head lowered as I trudged towards her.

"Does Madden know what's wrong with me?" I mumbled, peering up at her.

She sighed and wrapped an arm around my shoulder to pull me inside. Madden gave me a small, nervous smile and immediately my anxiety flew up. I felt sick again, but now it was from fear they were going to tell me something horrible, like I was poisoned, dying.

I was guided to sit on the bed again and Signy sat beside me while Madden took the seat in front of me. Looking between them, I could feel my breathing coming quicker until I felt light headed.

"There's nothing. . .wrong with you," Signy said gently, clasping one of my hands between hers.

"Oh." Relief flooded through me, followed by nervous laughter but neither wolf looked happy.

Their eyes met and the relief slowly turned back into dread again. "If there's nothing wrong with me why are you both looking at me like that?"

Madden leaned forward. "I asked about your heat, and if you've noticed any moodswings or out of character behaviour, I know you've noticed a few things. Bjarke told Signy how particular you are with the furs before you go to sleep. A female often feels the need to fix her den, most of the time not till further along, but I'm not surprised you feel the need to do it now when you've been used to living rough-"

"I don't understand what you're saying," I snapped, skin prickling in irritation. "Will you just tell me what's going on?"

A tug on my hand and I turned to look at Signy. She lifted a hand to cup my cheek, thumb brushing over my cheekbone. She took a deep breath before admitting, "Madden's tests confirmed that you're carrying a pup, Freydis."

I stared at her, completely dumbfounded. In the background, I could hear Madden talk about how he wasn't sure how far along I was, that he was going to have to keep a closer eye on me and make sure I was eating more, but none of it really made sense to my ears.

Snatching my hand away from the Alpha Female, I shook my head. "I'm sorry. You're wrong."

"I'm not wrong. Your body is showing the signs, even if your scent isn't. I imagine it'll take some time for the rest of the changes to catch up," he explained slowly, golden eyes growing concerned.

I shook my head again as if that would suddenly make him change his answer. I couldn't be carrying a pup. Not when it belonged to one of the wolves that had treated me like dirt. My chest tightened, vision blurring. No matter how much I tried to deny it, little things began to fall into place that proved it to be true. My hand slid down the front of the dress, over the small bump I'd put down to being made to eat so much.

Something wet was on my cheek and I swiped at my face with my sleeve only to realise I was crying. How could I be pregnant? Madden had said himself that it was a miracle I went into season at all. My hand fell to my abdomen again in disbelief, heart skipping a beat when I could definitely feel the curve of my belly.

Signy ribbed up and down my back, her gentle rumble breaking through the haze of thoughts.

"Am I going to lose it?" I choked, eyes flying up to the healer's face.

"Not if you follow my advice. I won't lie, it's going to be hard on you if we can't get your weight and health up, but this one's already proven themselves to be a fighter eh." He winked and all I could manage was a stiff nod.

I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse. There was no way I could be a mother. There was no way Bjarke was going to keep a pregnant she-wolf in his den. He wouldn't want me now. Or was my want of him just another side effect of being pregnant? He'd promised to provide for me but would he provide for my pup as well? Was I just going to be known as the mother-wolf without a mate now?

Feeling tears brim again, I immediately cast out any thought of getting rid of it. I knew Madden was going to offer as he watched me rock myself but I couldn't. The pup was a part of me and now it was the only real thing I had.

The father could have been any number of wolves. This pup didn't have anyone to look up to. Shaking my head at my own thoughts again, I squeezed my eyes shut. Maybe it was best to get rid of it. It didn't have chance. I didn't have a chance. I couldn't do this.

Broken sobs and whimpers wracked my body as that knowledge settled itself deep into my bones. I curled into myself, no longer sure what exactly it was I was crying about.

"Bjarke isn't going to like this," Signy murmured to Madden, only making me cry all the harder. I was right then. He wouldn't want to keep me.

Yanking myself from her grip, I heard the tear of my dress as skin gave way to fur. I barrelled out of the hut and run into the forest, thoughts scattered and lost. I was always lost.