Way of the Wolf: Redemption

There was never any privacy here. Standing with Madden and Bjarke in front of me, the rest of the pack was surely watching too. Nerves built until I was sure I was going to throw up all I'd eaten for lunch. Something as natural as shifting into my fur was a terrifying concept to me right now. Even though Madden had assured me my leg had healed enough it would cause no damage changing form, I didn't want them to watch.

These wolves shifted so fluidly and without pain that it was beautiful to see. That wasn't how I knew it to be. I didn't have much of a choice though, the two males stood strong and stern, and my wolf was restless. I was already struggling to hold back, feeling the prickle of my skin.

"You don't need to be scared. We're here to help," the healer assured me.

"I'm not scared," I snapped, folding my arms.

They both gave me expectant looks and I glanced at the other male that was sat on a rock, also watching. I knew why he was there. I knew why I was only allowed to shift where many wolves were present. I hadn't allowed my fur freedom in weeks, instincts would surely take over as soon as I did. They were ready for the feral side to take control, and they were ready to teach me my place if it did.

"I don't want you all to watch," I pleaded again, wishing they'd understand but both males stayed quiet.

As soon as my lips peeled back, a growl building in my chest, Bjarke puffed up. He didn't need to make a sound as his power surrounded me, forcing my head to duck in submission. I took a deep breath, trying to convince myself that I was safe here.

Slowly, I let go. It started so quickly, it stole the breath from my lungs but it was still no quick change. The first crack of bones repositioning brought me to my knees. I would have screamed if it hadn't been a bone in my ribcage that moved next, stealing all the air. It went smoother after that, an agonising shudder of skin giving way to fur.

My legs couldn't hold me up. On my stomach in wet mud, I panted heavily as if I'd run for miles. It was as if coherent thoughts were pushed to one side, instincts of black and white taking control. Bjarke took a slow step forward, stopping immediately when I let out a warning growl. I needed time to regain my senses and for the ache in my bones to fade. A hurt wolf was a dangerous creature.

When breathing was easier, I got to my paws and shook out my fur. Stretching out my front legs, then my back, lifting my head to take in scents, it was as overwhelming as my first day amongst the pack.

I felt selfconscious with the way they studied at me and I knew what they saw. My wolf didn't look like the thick furred, sleek wolves of the pack. My fur was thinner, patchy, unhealthy looking. I was still bigger than most females and perhaps as I ate and gained weight, I'd look a little less frightening to the pups that stared at me with wide eyes.

Keeping my head low, my tail flicked nervously. Nobody moved, the healer and the Beta watching me as if they thought I'd attack. I didn't. At least not until Bjarke changed forms, his huge grey wolf towering over me. His steps were slow, eyes never leaving me, and it made me feel very much like prey.

Hackles rose, tail lifting in an attempt to make myself look bigger, lips peeled back to show sharp white fangs. I wrestled with instincts that demanded I not submit to this male. The Beta growled, not aggressively, more like a reminder.

Slowly, I tucked tail before lowering myself to the grass and rolling over to give him my belly. He looked surprised at first, as did Madden. Still wary of me, he crept the remaining distance until he was hovering above me. He nuzzled against my cheek, nipping my jaw in greeting and I shocked myself when I lifted my head to lick his cheek.

This male had looked after me and my wolf only urged me to do the same, to groom him and press myself close. I wanted my scent on his fur. Rolling back to my paws, I rubbed my head beneath his, letting him know I was in control and didn't see him as a threat.

He nipped me again, using his body to guide me towards the trees and when the male that had been sat on the rock made to follow us, he snarled. The poor male jumped back with a look of confusion but the Beta's wants were clear. This run would be for just the two of us. He trusted me to behave, or at least he trusted he could control me.

I wasn't so sure. My steps were wobbly but I followed the Beta like a lost pup and found I had no intention of running off. For now. Instincts were telling me to stay close to my keeper's side. My shoulder bumped into his as we trotted slowly into the woods. Everything felt a little stiff and once I was out of view of the still horrified pack, I stopped to stretch again. Bjarke paused to watch, sitting on his rump with his tail thumping against the ground, completely relaxed.

If he was happy to take some time being less stern, I was going to enjoy it. Giving him a wolfish grin, I dropped to the ground, rolled to my back and wriggled in the dirt. His tail stopped moving, his head tipping to the side. I could see the amusement in his eyes as I rolled around like a pup. It had been too long since I'd played so freely without fear of the wolves around me. There was no time for play with Valdis. That thought stole all the joy away and I stilled, staring up at the grey sky through the canopy of trees.

As usual, Bjarke didn't miss the change in my mood. He bounded over, landing less than gracefully on top of me before nudging me back up. Gentle, distracting nips at my jaw as he pawed my ear and my wolf decided playing with this male was more fun than wriggling in the mud. We spun around each other, jumping and pawing. I no longer cared what I looked like next to him.

Jumping up, it was obvious he was only pretending I had the strength to knock him down. He pushed at my nose with a paw and I shook my head before sneezing. Huffing a laugh, he lifted his head and I grumbled at the sting as his fangs caught my ear. It was my turn to paw at his face, pushing him away.

The Beta was a pretty wolf, I decided as I studied him lying on the ground. Inhaling his scent, my nose travelled down the length of his body. He kept still, tensing ever so slightly as I took in the muskier hints between his legs that told me he was in his prime, ready to take a female as a mate. It had surprised me that he hadn't done so already. There were many beautiful, unmated she-wolves in the pack, most who would surely be pleased to become Beta Female. But here he was with me, on his back, belly exposed. Losing myself to baser thoughts and needs, my tongue lapped out to taste him. That shocked both of us.

A slight lift of his lip and I backed off, turning to run deeper into the woods. I didn't care that our time spent playing had worn me out and my muscles were aching, I pushed on until my thoughts had cleared. Yet as they did, embarrassment rose too. I couldn't believe I'd done that, scenting the Beta as if I held any interest in him. I was glad the Beta was keeping his distance, following my trail but allowing me to pretend I was alone.

Running as fast I could, I leaped over fallen logs, splashing through small streams, following whatever scent caught my attention even though I had no intention of hunting. I loved to run, I loved the feel of fresh air in my fur as I gave in to what my wolf demanded of me.

I wasn't sure how long I ran for but the Beta let me know when I'd gone far enough. Catching up, he nipped at my tail, barking and yipping to catch my attention. I slowed down, every limb trembling with exhaustion and I wasn't sure I'd make it back without help. Their land went on forever. Lush green grass and trees, everything surrounded by tall mountains. I should have been looking for a way out while I ran.

Turning slowly, I allowed the Beta to guide me back the way we'd come. I'd long since lost track of which direction I'd taken. I tracked the way back carefully, nose to the ground so I could form a map in my head. The fresh scent of rabbit caught my attention and I froze. The Beta gave me a questioning look but I paid him no mind. Shoulders rolled, muscles tensing in preparation as I scanned the thick foliage to my right. The very second a branch snapped, I pounced. The rabbit squeaked only once before a twist of my head snapped its neck.

The Beta blink in surprise when I reappeared with the rabbit hanging limply from my jaws. I felt smug, pleased I'd proven myself a better hunter than he thought I was. Even if it was only a small rabbit.

I settled down to eat, using a paw to keep the meat still as I tore off what I wanted. Completely focussed on how good it felt to eat raw meat again, I forgot all about the other wolf that lay down in front of me. Bones crunched between my teeth, fur getting stuck in my throat but still I ate until there was almost nothing else.

A whine from the male watching, his head resting on his paws. I was a little shocked he hadn't just snatched the rabbit from me if he wanted some instead of waiting for me to eat my fill before asking. That wasn't the way I was used to. Everything I caught was normally snatched away by someone stronger.

I nudged what was left towards him and he licked my cheek before accepting. While he finished off my meal, I cleaned the blood from my fur. Licking my paws, I rubbed wet fur against my muzzle. I didn't want to return to the pack looking worse than when I'd left. I'd already given the pups something to have nightmares about.

The Beta stood, licking his lips in appreciation even though I was sure the scraps he'd eaten had barely filled him up. I watched him warily when he stepped into my space but a gentle rumble and I waited to see what he wanted to do. The first swipe of his tongue over my cheek and I was still unsure. He nudged me to rest on my side, keeping up the steady sound of his wolf.

He continued to groom me even after I grumbled unhappily, unused to such a thing. I recognised that he was thanking me for sharing, some instinctual understanding that was ingrained in every Wulver. My eyes closed of their own accord, my body relaxing as his tongue swiped over almost every inch me. Like I had before, his nose nudged between my hind legs, a low warning snarl and he quickly moved away.

By the time he was finished, I smelt like him. It wasn't exactly unappealing. When I stood, I stood taller than I had before, chest puffed up and head held high. The Beta looked pleased with himself but we'd been out here long enough and it was time to go back.

The pull of the wild grew stronger the closer we got to the pack and it was hard to ignore. It tugged at my soul, calling me to return. This was my life, running free in my fur, and no matter how I reasoned that it wasn't safe for me right now, I couldn't shake it off. I looked over my shoulder, relishing in the scents of earth, trees, wind, the lingering dampness the rain last night had left.

Bjarke nudged his head against mine, pushing me in the right direction. He could probably sense I was close to bolting. I hoped he could tell I was trying to fight that urge. Digging my claws into the ground, I forced myself on, ignoring the whispering breeze. It was hard to turn my back on the wilderness, especially when the first few huts came into view. More nudges and harsh nips kept me moving but instead of stopping, Bjarke led me on.

We walked right through the camp and into the thinner trees on the other side. Confusion and curiosity urged me on even when my muscles screamed in protest. I'd overworked myself.

The trees became less and less, the ground sloping down until it became so steep I feared I'd make a wrong step and fall. I followed Bjarke so closely, my nose practically touched his tail but he didn't seem to mind. Nipping at his hind, I whined my dislike of this adventure but he huffed a breath and kept moving.

I was glad when the ground evened out again. Loose dirt became hard rock and I stopped to catch my breath, losing sight of Bjarke as he leapt over a boulder. Not wanting to be left behind, I pushed myself to catch up.

Steaming rock pools lined the base of the mountain that stood over us. Some were huge, others weren't big enough to fit in. I tipped my head, sniffing at the water that was heady with minerals. Glancing back at Bjarke, he was now standing in his skin.

"I thought you'd like to wash. After our run today, the water should help relax you. Madden said there was a risk or cramping now you're putting on weight and moving about more," he explained, watching me expectantly.

I sat down, not prepared for the pain of shifting back to skin quite yet. At least I'd have something hot to sink into. I'd never washed in warm water before. But I didn't want to be a cowered either and I didn't doubt he wouldn't let me remain in fur forever. Hunkering down, I looked away so I couldn't see his face as he watched me struggle.

Bones shifted and rearranged themselves quicker than they had earlier but the pain was still great. My howl became a scream, my body curling in on itself. Fur gave way to sweat-slicked skin and I lay shuddering on my side as I caught my breath again. I wasn't sure I could move.

Managing to peel my eyes open, I immediately wished I hadn't. Bjarke's expression was grim and pained, eyes full of sympathy. It really was no wonder the pups look at me like I was some terrifying monster.

"Has it always been like that?" He knelt by my side and helped me sit up but I pushed his hands away from me.

"I think so. I've never shifted as quickly as I've seen you and the pack do. It's like it doesn't cause you any pain at all," I answered, staring at the reflection of my hollow face in the pool of water.

Bjarke took my arm and released the way my nails had dug into it. He didn't release my hand, he tugged it until I had to fall forward onto my knees. I watched warily as he lowered it towards the pool and I gasped, my gaze flying to his in shock. My gasp turned to a laugh of delight as he submerged my hand completely. At first, the heat stung but I soon got used to it.

"Shifting always hurts a little, sometimes no more than a quick pinch." He quickly pinched my neck as if to demonstrate and I scowled, rubbing over the spot.

"Why isn't it like that for me?" I asked, spreading my fingers in the warm water, watching his fingers dance over the back of my hand.

They trailed up to my wrist, further up to my elbow to leave droplets over water dripping down my skin. Then he sat back and shrugged. "You probably don't shift nearly as much as pack wolves do. Plus you're weak, if you've barely enough energy to walk, you've barely enough energy to change forms quickly."

I bristled at being called weak and turned away from him, yanking my hand out of the water.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I'm only stating facts. You'll get stronger," he insisted. Gripping my shoulder, he pulled me to face him again.

I huffed, folding my arms over my chest. "And I'll put on weight?"

His lips twitched but he did his best not to smile for my benefit. My cheeks flushed and I ducked my head. I shouldn't be defensive over my body, I'd never cared about it before.

"Yes. You'll fill out. I see the way you look at the females here and then tug at your dress, touch your face, or your hair. You think they're more beautiful than you are," he stated.

I hated that he was right, but surely I was right too. They were more beautiful than I was. I didn't want to speak anymore. Shuffling on my bum, I braced myself on the edge of the pool before slowly sliding in. My skin prickled at the heat, even the rock against my back was warm.

Thankfully, my keeper decided not to push me and walked around so he could get in the other side. I kept my gaze on the ripples in the water, secretly glad there was some space between us. He was making me feel funny today and I didn't know what it meant. The male was so intense.

I sunk a bit lower until my shoulders were almost submerged in the water too. It was amazing to me how warm the pool was, how the water was so clear that I could see right to the bottom. It wasn't that deep, I was managing to sit quite easily.

"How is the it warm? I've never seen anything like this before." Awe coated my tone but I didn't care that he'd know I'd fallen in love with this place.

It was beautiful, enchanting. The mountain seemed to climb up forever, high up into the clouds so I couldn't even see the peak. There was nothing but strange coloured rocks to one side and green forest the way we'd come.

"The forges of the dwarves heat these pools, at least that's one story," he said, resting his head against the edge while he watched me with all too much understanding eyes.

I still didn't believe his stories of dwarves. Just as I didn't believe the old wolf's stories of mighty wolf gods, and wars that threw Wulvers into the shadows. Only pups believed in stories.

"You like the tales of the dwarves," I stated, remembering the story he'd told so passionately as we walked through the mountain pass.

"I do," he agreed. "One of my ancestors was said to have been one of the high kings in the mountain. He fell in love with a daughter of the wolf that chased the sun through the sky."

I rolled my eyes and settled back against the rock again. "Of course."

He laughed and I blushed. I shouldn't have said that. Watching my tongue was important, I'd learned that lesson quickly from the time I was a pup. They were intriguing stories at least but I resisted the urge to ask more about it.

Cupping my hand, I poured water over my shoulder, smiling as it warmed my skin. The Beta started washing too, soaking his hair with his eyes closed, completely relaxed. I slid forward so I could duck my head under the water, rubbing my fingers into my scalp to rid it of the grime that had built up again. When I pushed myself up and took a breath, his eyes were watching the droplets of water that dripped down my chest.

"It's not all water you're afraid of then. I was worried you'd take some convincing to come in," he noted, his gaze curious. "Just rivers frighten you."

"Rivers do not frighten me." My voice was tight and he smirked. I wasn't fooling anyone.

I went back to washing, being gentle around the bite on my breast. It was healing well, scabbed over with yellow bruises. The rest of the bruises on my skin were gone now. How long would it be before I had new, painful injuries to grit my teeth through?

Lifting my head, I chewed on my lip before whispering quietly, "Thank you."

"For what, Freydis?" The Beta lifted his head to look at me, a smile still curling his lips.

"For letting me run, and showing me this place," I answered, squirming at the use of my name. I think he enjoyed how uncomfortable it made me.

He bowed his head, giving me respect that no male had given me before and the act had my breath catching in my throat. Blushing, I looked down.

We stayed in the pools until my fingers pruned and the heat started making me light headed. I wasn't looking forward to going back to the pack when I finally felt relaxed and warm. The Beta looked like he was feeling much the same but the sky was getting dark and the air colder. A breeze blew dry leaves across the rocks and the skittering sound gave me a fright.

"I think we've missed our meal. I'll have to see what's been leftover and heat it up in our den." He sighed before pushing himself up and climbing out of the pool.

Ours. He'd called the den ours. I supposed with me staying there, it did belong to both of us. I'd never had a den before. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I'd always treated it as if it were mine. My wolf had demanded I did. The bedding was all where I wanted it, not how Bjarke did. I'd chosen where to sleep and made him have the only space left and he hadn't once complained.

"I'm still full from the rabbit," I said as I stood too, not quite ready to step out yet.

The second I did though, my flesh rose in goosebumps. It was freezing. The Beta walked around to me and offered his hand, helping me out. I was glad he did, the rock was slippy underfoot.

"You had almost a whole rabbit, I got scraps." Even though he was teasing, I still felt bad. Of course a huge male like Bjarke would need more than that.

He smiled and brushed a strand of damp hair behind my ear. For a split second I began to lean into his touch before I pulled myself away. We didn't need a repeat of what happened in the hall. He dropped his hand and coughed, easing the tension by shaking his head to dry his hair. Droplets splattered everywhere and I pursed my lips at his antics.

There was no point in me trying to dry off as he was so I shifted forms, finding that while it still hurt, it wasn't as bad. Had it been the water that helped? Or was I simply feeling more at ease. My fur was drenched so I copied the Beta and shook myself out, feeling smug when he held up a hand to shield his face.

"Cheeky female," he muttered, playfully tugging my ear.

He stretched a little before shifting forms himself. Trotting after him, I was a little sad at having to leave the wild behind to sleep in the hut. I nipped at the Beta's tail, trying to get across that I wanted to stay. He ignored me at first, keeping us moving until we were back up the small hill. I became more insistent, nudging my head against his rump and whining for his attention. A low growl demanded I stop but when I gave it one more try, he'd had enough.

All signs of the Beta's playfulness disappeared as he spun around and snapped at my face. I lowered my head, tail curling between my legs as I submitted to him. When he was sure I wasn't going to start up again, he rumbled and bumped his head under mine. I moved away, ignoring his forgiveness.

I'd forgotten one very important thing, I was still a prisoner. I had no real freedom.