Way of the Wolf: Redemption

"I think you're safe to try shifting tomorrow if you like. It's healed well, considering," Madden announced, patting my calf only to cringe and apologise when I yelped. How was this male their healer?

"That's good news. I was worried, she's still limping badly," Bjarke said, looking over at Madden and not at me.

I sighed and lay back in the grass, letting the two males discuss my health. My belly was rounded from being forced to eat more than I felt I could during the evening meal. At first I'd worried I was going to throw it all back up but the Beta had ordered me not to and amazingly, it had worked. I was beginning to obey his orders without thought.

Sinking my fingers into the grass beside me, I half listened to what was being said. I needed to keep eating, I still wasn't eating enough. Bullshit. I'd eaten more in the last few days than I'd eaten in the whole of the last month or two. Of course, these wolves ate like kings everyday. It was no wonder a wolf like Valdis hated them so much.

I frowned.

Was he right to hate them? Valdis had been born in the wild and he'd never joined a pack because he didn't want to bow to an alpha, to be constrained to a territory. But he'd twisted the truth and warped my beliefs until I thought I couldn't survive without him. I'd begged at his feet, I saw that in a different, darker light. I'd begged him not to leave me, the male who'd beaten and raped me, and allowed others to do the same. That male who'd ordered us to kill our own kind at a chance of food. My frown deepened. Who was the real enemy?

Pushing myself up, there was one thing I needed to know. "What will happen to me when I go into season?"

I was terrified of the answer, and I wasn't sure they would tell me the truth either. The two males stopped talking to look at me. Bjarke was frowning now too but Madden just looked a little surprised. He leaned in and took a deep inhale of my scent that had Bjarke cuffing him over the back of the head.

The healer glared, rubbing the tender spot.

"Why do you ask? You don't smell close to your heat," he replied.

"I want to know what will happen," I repeated, keeping my gaze on the grass.

The Beta hummed, tipping his head as he gripped my chin to lift it. "You want to know if you'll be given to any male that wants you. Is that how it was for you before?"

I wanted to deny it. The truth that I'd been fought over like scraps of meat until Valdis got bored of watching the fighting was more like a horrible nightmare now than an occurrance I was alright living with.

"Valdis sometimes stepped in before one of his wolves could get to me. Other times he waited a while." I shrugged, feeling numb as I spoke. "It wasn't so bad if they weren't in fur. I don't like the knot, males get aggressive when they tie."

They both stared at me as if I'd said something horrible. Madden's mouth hung open and I wished I hadn't said anything at all. Surely this was nothing new to them. It was biology. Something every female went through.

"You went through this every time?" The Beta's voice was rough with anger I could smell it on his skin. At my nod, he growled furiously and I flinched back in fear. Had I done something wrong?

He stood without saying anything to me, marching over to where his Alpha sat. Madden tried to settle me but his touch and low rumble didn't work the Beta's did.

"I shouldn't have told you both that," I whimpered, burying my face against my knees.

Madden hushed me. "I'm glad you trust us enough to tell us. Bjarke isn't angry at you, pup, I promise. To answer your question, whatever you want to happen when you go into season will be what happens. If you want a male, or even a female, I'm sure one will be willing. If you want left alone, you will be left alone. No wolf has a right to take a female simply because they're in heat."

I blinked up at him in shock. Females went through heats alone? That was a choice? Did I dare believe them?

"Can I ask a sensitive question, Freydis," Madden asked. I nodded, catching the worry in his gaze. "You never got pregnant before?"

There it was. The other reason I hated myself. I was never really sure Valdis wanted a pup. Sometimes he was happy when my bleeding arrived at the end of my heat to show I wasn't carrying his or any other wolf's child. Other times he flew into a rage.

"I don't think I can bear pups," I admitted, rubbing at my eyes. That fact ate away at me sometimes, other times I thought maybe I was lucky. I couldn't bring up a pup in the wild, not when I could barely look after myself.

"I wouldn't be so sure. You're seriously malnourished, and you were living in a hostile environment. Honestly, I'm surprised you had heat cycles at all. There's hope in that," he told me with a smile.

Shrugging again, my eyes found where the Beta was talking to an ever angrier looking Alpha. But it was the Alpha Female who looked ready to kill. Was he telling them what I'd told him? I hoped not. I didn't want anyone's pity. They'd already guessed some of what had been done to me, why would the whole truth be any different?

"You and Aljana have been mates for a while haven't you? You can't tell me you've never tied her," I muttered, hating the way I felt now.

"But I've never hurt her. There's a difference. It isn't meant to be something to put up with. It's meant to be enjoyed, in skin and fur," he argued, then sighed heavily and I knew he was watching me pick at the skin around my thumbnail with distaste.

I could feel my fur beneath my skin now. Stronger than I'd felt my wolf in a very long time. This was all too much. These wolves were all too much. I rolled to my knees and pushed myself up, no longer wishing to be out with the pack. Madden stood too, floundering as he looked between me walking away and Bjarke still talking to his Alphas.

"Where are you going?" he called out, catching up.

I turned and growled, warning him not to come any closer. "I want to be alone for a while, am I not allowed that?"

No. I wasn't. But he didn't look like he was going to stop me. Deflating, I looked toward the hall. It was time to face the ghosts and I wanted to do it alone. Not that I was at all sure I'd find the answers I was looking for there. It would at least be quiet and sheltered. For a while, I could pretend I was anywhere I wanted to be.

"You can tell my keeper I needed space. If he gets angry, he can deal with me. I promise I'm not running away, I'm not foolish enough for that." There was a harsh edge to my tone and I felt bad as the healer stepped back.

"Very well," he relented, handing me his wineskin bag that sloshed with water. "Take this. You need to keep hydrated."

Even when I was harsh with him, he still only wanted to help. A true Healer. I made myself thank him, relieved when his grin fell back into place.

It was easier to walk now. There was still pain that left me limping but I made it to the hall without having to stop for breath. There was nobody inside but the fire crackled away. It lit up the entire room and enough of the cave at the back that I could just make out the statues within.

Creeping slowly as if I'd disturb the silence, I paused where wood turned to stone. From here I could see the statue of the lost pup I'd been named after. Even lit up, the cave still frightened me. The cold wind that howled from deeper inside had my hair standing on edge, skin prickling. I sat on the edge of the bench that creaked under my weight, unable to tear my gaze from her cold features.

I wondered who she was, how she'd become one of the lost souls, why Signy had decided it was her name I should have. The pup was loved by the pack, I knew that much. Her death was still thought about. I almost felt undeserving of carrying her name. How could I ever be worthy?

It was at least nice to sit in the quiet without anyone watching me as I contemplated my fate. Though perhaps I was being watched by the ghosts that haunted the hall. Chuckling to myself, I rested my head against the wall.

Laughter echoed in from outside and soon after, I could hear the pounding of drums and high pitched tones of whistles. I wasn't sure why they'd brought out their instruments but it was nice to listen to. The tune they played was familiar to me but I couldn't think of how. I craned my neck to look out of one of the windows and through the branches of a tree, I could see a few wolves gathered together. A female was dancing, her arms in the air as her body twisted and turned. It was beautiful to watch but it was also haunting. The music filled me up, calling to me until I found myself standing up to watch.

The female was getting attention as she moved, and from the sly smile on her lip, she looked to be enjoying it. Golden bangles around her wrists glinted in the sun, long, auburn hair swishing around her. She was gorgeous with her tanned skin and full curves, no bones sticking out on her body. I must have disgusted everyone who looked at me. Who saw beauty in someone who looked so close to death?

A floorboard behind me creaked and I whipped around. My cheeks flushed at being caught watching but the Beta said nothing of it. He looked less angry now, though his body still held tense lines.

He held out his hand and smiled. "Do you want to dance?"

The question caught me off guard and nervous laughter bubbled up. I glanced back out the window at the dancing female and quickly shook my head. There was no need to make a fool of myself.

"I've never danced before," I told him, shaking my head again as I pulled the sleeves of my dress over my hands.

He came towards me anyway and I looked up when he held out his hand again.

"It's just us here. I promise you, I'm not much of a dancer either. Come," he insisted.

Such a strange request and yet something in me told me to say yes. It felt silly, the idea of dancing alone with the male who'd been my captor, who still was really. I took his hand, allowing him to pull me closer. With my leg still causing trouble, we danced a lot slower than the tempo of the music but I didn't really mind. He spun me under his arm and I could feel the corner of my lips tugging up until I couldn't help but laugh.

Our movements were clumsy, nothing like the graceful female I'd seen outside. Another spin and I stumbled over my own feet, cheeks flaming with embarrassment as I steadied myself with a hand on his chest. He stiffened, warm brown eyes fracturing with red and gold. My breathing hitched, nostrils flaring to catch the change in his scent. I snatched my hand back, fear choking me. I knew what came next. But he didn't do anything, didn't reach out to touch me or bend me over the table as Valdis would have, he just stood there breathing in deeply.

My eyes took in every single twitch of his skin, the way his hands clenched by his side and I pointedly looked away at the bulge that wasn't quite hidden by the soft trousers he wore.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, wrapping my arms around myself. It was my fault he'd reacted that way.

"You don't have anything to apologise for," he argued, frowning at me. "I should have more control."

I frowned too. It wasn't for a male to have control, but I'd watched him rein in his own desires. Was I too lowly for him to allow himself to take? My frown deepened. Surely it was a good thing he didn't want to. He and Madden had both spoken about the rights females had to say no, I'd have said no.

Raking my eyes over him, I could admit to myself he was attractive. I already had an unhealthy obsession with the ink on his skin, and for lost in the depths of his eyes. Firmly reminding myself that I would eventually find a way to leave, I turned my back on him and ignored the slight growl he gave me.

I was testing his restraint and looked shyly over my shoulder. If I ran now, I was sure he would chase me down and lose his oh so previous control. It was a good thing I couldn't run.

"Are you playing games now too, Freydis?" he asked lowly, the sound of the wild in his voice.

Was I playing games? My jaw clenched, eyes squeezing shut at the confusing emotions that surfaced. It was only because I'd been stuck with only his company for days. I needed away from him, away from his scent of forest pine and the sound of his voice. He was making me believe lies.

"Settle, female." He was closer now,

I'd barely heard him move in my growing panic. I held my breath, waiting for his sound to start and when he did let that rumble vibrate from his chest, it did what it was meant to. My body betrayed me, reacting to the soothing tones of his wolf. I could breathe easier but it wasn't pleasing. It only muddled my thoughts more.

"Please stop making that sound," I snapped, taking another step forward only to whip around to face him.

He tipped his head and there was something smug in his eyes. "Why?"

I didn't answer, clenching my jaw. He lifted his hand to pet my hair in another attempt to calm me down but I moved out of the way. My hands were trembling, the nature of my wolf urging me to stay close to the male that had proven he could keep me safe.

"I don't like your sound or you touch. It makes things confusing. Please stop," I begged, backing away until I felt cool stone against my back.

He didn't step over the line that separated the hall from the cave and he glanced at the statue of the pup before looking back at me.

"If that's what you want for now. I'm sorry for intruding, I'll leave you in peace." He spun on his heel to leave and stopped at the door to turn back to me. There was a hardness to his expression now. "Do not try to run."

I glared at his retreating back with the urge to throw something at him but there was nothing to hand. Fortunately for him. All I could do was silently seethe. The music was no longer comforting, it was grating and too loud. I turned to slam my hand against the wall, a scream of frustration hissing through clenched teeth before tears began to fall.

Making my way back to the cave, I took my place in the edge of the bench again. Knees tucked beneath my chin, hands covered by the sleeves of the dress that was now itchy and irritating, I tried drown out the noise from outside by focussing on the whistling breeze as it blew through cracks in the cave. I tipped my head towards the sound, sure again that there had to be some small gap I could fit through for the breeze to be so loud.

As soon as I was strong enough to shift to fur and hunt, I'd search this cave properly. For now, it was still much too frightening and eerie a place to wander around. I rested my head against the wall, watching the shadows shift and change over the cold face of my namesake's statue. When the sky outside began to darken and heavy grew clouds rolled it, I still didn't move.

Nobody came to find me even though it had been hours and that itself annoyed me. They knew I wasn't going to run.

Stubbornness kept me glued to the spot. The wind grew louder, colder, almost blowing out the small flames that were close to dying. It was freezing, my fingers and toes completely numb but still I didn't move. I could hear the wolves as they ate outside, desperate to beat the rain I could smell. Another hour or two and my stomach began to growl, cramping pain leaving me curled in on myself.

I fell asleep, waking up every couple of minutes by the icy bite of wind. My neck was stiff from my awkward position and when I slowly straightened my legs out it was to see the odd village was completely empty. I must have slept longer than I thought for everyone to have gone to bed.

Debating whether or not to slip out and sneak into the Beta's den so I could sleep in comfortable warmth, my decision was soon made for me. Torrential rain came fast and hard, joined by the clap of thunder and bright white flashes of lightening that lit up the hall. There was no way I was going out in that. I didn't imagine the Beta would be happy to see me returning like a drowned rat.

Resigned to my fate of sleeping in the hall tonight, I curled back up on the bench. The fire was now no more than glowing embers, ash swept to the floor by the wind. I glanced over to see the doors were still wide open. It was no wonder it was so cold in here, but I didn't have the energy nor the will to go shut them. I tucked myself into my dress, refusing to let my teeth chatter.

Another flash of lightening revealed a massive black shadow at the door and my eyes widened in fear. The shape took slow, measured steps toward me and I relaxed a little when I could finally make out its face. The Beta looked near furious. Soaking hair was almost black instead of brown, stuck to his forehead and neck. Water dripped down a bare chest and I blinked as my eyes trailed lower to find him naked.

Without a word, he darted forward but I didn't struggle as he held me against his chest, one arm going under my knees. Despite being wet, he was radiating warmth and I cuddled in, pressing an icy cheek against his chest. His skin twitched and he shuddered, shifting me in his arms.

"You're freezing," he muttered, pausing by the door and looking out at the rain as if he was wondering if it was a good idea.

Heaving a sigh, he stepped out and I squealed at the first touches of the rain. Instinctually, I tried to get closer to the warmth of the wolf carrying me quickly towards his den. Even at such a speed, I was drenched by the time we got there. The fire was burning inside, smoke billowing up to create patterns in the air.

I was sat on the bench and the Beta quickly removed my soaking dress. I'd have argued I could have done it myself but my teeth were chattering and I couldn't feel my fingers. He hung the dress up so it could dry but there was no way it would be okay for me to wear tomorrow.

A scratchy cloth was used to dry my skin and I didn't resist as it moved over my breasts or between my legs. He got up behind me and unwound my hair from its braid and I shivered as drops of water then rolled down my back.

"Sorry," he mumbled absentmindedly, rubbing my hair between the cloth until it was no longer dripping before he rebraided it.

"I'm cold," I complained, wrapping my arms around my chest.

When had I ever worried about being cold before? I'd been in far more icy temperatures than this and still not made a peep. These wolves and their luxuries were making me soft.

"I know. Let's get you warmed up," he said, picking me up again only to lay me down on the bedding.

I curled up, nuzzling into the pelt beneath my cheek with a small smile. Stepping over me, Bjarke lay down at my back and quickly began covering me in blankets and more furs. He chuckled as I tugged them over my head, burying myself in the dark. I was still chilled to the bone and stilled as I became overly aware of how warm the body behind me was. I shifted a little closer, subtly enough that he might think I was simply getting comfy. Something brushed over my shoulder and I stilled once more. Fingers gently kneaded the stiff part of my neck and I couldn't help but sigh. How had he known?

It didn't matter. When the sound of his wolf filled up the air, I let myself smile because he couldn't see me. I let myself relish and purr at the affection from my keeper.