Until You (Off-Limits)

I stare out my office window, my mind replaying this morning’s scene. Aria standing in the living room with her suitcase in hand, telling me she’s leaving. I knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

I knew I was losing her, and all along, I knew I only had myself to blame. I pushed her away, and I did it knowingly. Every time she looked at me, silently begging me to kiss her, to hold her. Every time she wore something sexy, just to get a reaction out of me. Every one of those times, my non-response was speaking louder than any words I could say.

It fucking killed me to watch her walk out the door, but what right do I have to ask her to stay? She might be hurting now, but she won’t for long. A girl like her… she isn’t for me. I don’t deserve her. I never did, but even less so now.

I can’t even touch her without hurting her. If it’s this bad now, how much worse will it get through the years? Over time, I might truly become like my father, and I need Aria out of harm’s way. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt her again. Watching her clutching her throat, tears in her eyes, all because I couldn’t hold back? That can never happen again.

It’s not just physically that I’m hurting her. I can’t even fulfill her emotional needs. I can’t put her fears to rest, I can’t take away her insecurities. Aria needs someone that can love her fearlessly, someone that can touch her without holding back, make her feel as beautiful as she is, and that can never be me.

“Grayson?”

I look up to find Elliot standing in my doorway, his expression torn. He steps aside, and I freeze.

“Ida?”

She nods and hesitates before walking into my office. Elliot steps back and closes the door behind him. I sit up, surprised to find her here.

“Grayson,” she says, and I stare at her wide-eyed. I’ve never once heard her say my name. “I named you that, you know?”

I look away, unsure of how to reply. I see her fidget in my peripheral vision, and I force a polite smile onto my face. “What brings you here?” I ask, gesturing toward the seat opposite me.

She inhales deeply, almost as though she’s bracing herself. “Nyx,” she says, and I tense. “She messaged me this morning to let me know my case is officially considered resolved on her platform.” The mere mention of her makes my heart squeeze together in a way it never has before. My heart has only ever beat for her.

“I asked to meet her a few weeks ago, to thank her for helping with my case, and she told me it isn’t her I should be thanking. She told me what you’ve done for me, and I had no idea, Grayson. I didn’t know. I’m sorry it took me so long to finally gather the courage to come see you. Words will never be able to express how grateful I am, and how incredibly sorry I am for everything I said to you.”

I stare at her in surprise, and she smiles shakily. “It’s okay,” I tell her. “I never intended for you to find out. You don’t need to thank me. It’s the least I could do.”

She shakes her head and places her hands on my desk. “You’re wrong, Grayson. You didn’t owe me a thing. You didn’t know me, and I abandoned you. You were an innocent child, brought into the world against your will, and I took my pain and helplessness out on you. I never even considered how my actions then, or my words now, would affect you. I’ve been selfish through and through, and if not for Nyx, I’d never have realized it. Grayson, you saved me. I don’t even dare ask for your forgiveness, because Nyx was right. I don’t deserve a son like you. I’m so sorry, Grayson. I’m sorry, and I’m grateful that you have her in your life. The love she so clearly has for you… I’m grateful that you have that, that you have her.”

I grimace and clench my jaw, the pain almost overwhelming me. “Had,” I murmur. “Nyx… she left.”

Ida freezes and looks at me with raised brows. “Impossible. Why?”

I smile humorlessly and look into her eyes. “Because you were right. I’m a monster, and darkness does follow everything I touch. The woman you know as Nyx… she’s all that’s good in life, and I can’t taint her, I can’t dim her shine. I can’t risk hurting her.”

Ida leans back in her seat, her gaze piercing. “She left… and you let her go?”

I nod, my eyes falling closed as I try my best to stay in control of my feelings. Fuck. I never expected it to hurt this badly.

When I open my eyes again, I find Ida staring at me. I’m startled when she smiles at me.

“If you were the monster you think you are, you’d have chained her to you. You’d have kept her trapped, whether she liked it or not. But you didn’t, did you?”

I shake my head. “I wanted to… but I can’t. I can’t do that to her. Never her.”

“So you put her happiness above your own?”

I nod, and Ida stares at me. “Are you sure?” she asks, and I frown. “When you let her go, were you putting her happiness first, or were you caving in to your fears? The woman I spoke to would have burned down the world for you, Grayson. There’s no way leaving would have made her happier than being with you.”

I stare at her and blink in confusion. Ida rises from her seat and smiles at me. “You’re no monster, Grayson. You’re nothing like the man that conceived you. I was wrong. I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life. Everything you did for me, never expecting me to find out… It means you’re a far better person than I will ever be. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the honor of getting to know you, but even if I don’t, I can tell you this much: I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the man you became despite the way I abandoned you.”

Ida picks up her bag and stares down at her feet before looking back at me, a conflicted expression on her face. She takes a sticky note out of her bag and sticks it onto my desk. “This is my phone number,” she murmurs. “After everything I did, everything I said… I’d understand if you want nothing to do with me. But if you ever change your mind, I’ll be here, waiting. I’ve made countless mistakes in my life, but nothing will ever be as bad as abandoning you twice. Once when you were a baby, and then again when you found me at work.”

I stare at the sticky note in surprise as she walks to the door, turning back to me. “Put her happiness first, Grayson. Just now you told me you can’t risk hurting her, but isn’t that exactly what you’re doing right now? It’s listening to my words that brought you harm, so I shouldn’t ask you to listen to me again, but please do. Please don’t let her go because you believed what I said in spite. Please don’t let my moment of despair rob you of the love of your life. I’ve already taken too much from you — don’t let me take more. You know who you are.”

She smiles and walks out the door, leaving me staring after her. Her words keep repeating over and over in my mind, a small seed of hope sprouting deep within me.