The Rules of Dating a Younger Man

I couldn’t process words.

I stared at my daughter’s mouth. Sound was coming out, but I could only catch fragments. The rest were a distant murmur, an incoherent language. I’d been up all night, unable to close my eyes long enough to sleep, so I was certain exhaustion had something to do with it. But I also had no focus. My brain couldn’t latch onto thoughts about anything, other than how I was going to tell Caitlin about Brayden. What the hell do I say?

Caitlin spooned some of her yogurt parfait into her mouth and kept talking. After an undetermined amount of time, her brows puckered. She reached out and waved her hand in front of my face. “Earth to Alex…are you in there?”

I opened my mouth to apologize, to say I was just tired. But when I did, that wasn’t what blurted out. Words raced fast and furious. “Brayden is the younger man I’ve been telling you about. I’m so sorry. I had no idea you two knew each other. Neither did Brayden.” I closed my eyes, hating the way I’d delivered the news, yet relieved that it was out there.

“Brayden?” Caitlin said.

I peeked one eye open. “Brayden. Brady. They’re the same person. My Brayden is your Brady.”

She blinked a few times. “You’re dating my ex-boyfriend?”

“Yes. No.” I shook my head. “I mean yes, the man I’ve been talking to you about is Brayden, but we’re not dating. I mean, we were, but we aren’t anymore.”

My daughter’s forehead wrinkled. She averted her eyes, staring off into the restaurant dining room for a long time while I waited on pins and needles. Confusion was still all over her face when she turned back. “He’s seen me naked. I’ve seen him naked. I slept with him.”

I cringed. “I’m so sorry, Caitlin. I had no idea. I never would’ve gotten involved with him if I’d had an inkling of suspicion you two were somehow connected. I was hesitant enough because of his age. Even if you guys were friends it would’ve probably been too much for me to handle. I had no clue.”

Caitlin had always been an easy read for me. I knew when she was upset, even when she tried to hide it. But at the moment, I had no idea what she was thinking. Her face was a cross between confused and something else—angry, maybe? She lifted the napkin from her lap and tossed it on the table in front of her.

“Did you sleep with him, too?”

“No.” I shook my head. “God no. Thankfully things between us didn’t get that far.” It made me sick to think how close we’d come, though. If Caitlin had been five minutes later getting to the elevator, or if I’d been five minutes later to come down, Brayden and I would’ve gone along on our merry way to dinner and…after dinner. Though I wasn’t about to share that.

“What are you going to do now?” she asked.

“Well, obviously whatever had been going on between us, whatever we’d started, is over. I haven’t figured out what to do about the project we’re working on together.”

Caitlin looked anywhere but at me. It reminded me of when her father and I had first started dating. She’d seen me as a woman trying to take her mother’s place. She’d resented me so much that it took almost a full year for her to look me in the eyes. It broke my heart to think we could be back there now, after all we’d had to go through to get to the other side. Caitlin wasn’t just my husband’s daughter; she was my daughter, and my very best friend. Or at least she was…

I reached across the table and took her hand. “Caitlin?”

Her eyes shifted to me.

“You believe me, right? That I had no idea who he was and would never do anything intentional to hurt you?”

“Why wouldn’t I? That’s what you said.”

Her tone sounded more sarcastic than certain. But I’d had all night to let everything sink in. She was likely still in shock. I squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry this happened.”

Caitlin frowned. “Yeah, me too.” She looked over at my plate. I’d ordered an egg-white omelet and fruit, but hadn’t touched a bite of it yet. “Are you finished with breakfast?”

My stomach was tied in giant knots. I couldn’t possibly eat. “Yeah, I’m done.”

“I need to get on the road.” She pushed her seat from the table and stood. “I have a few conference calls this afternoon when I get back.”

“Oh…okay.” I looked around for the waiter and raised my hand. “I just need to pay the check.”

“I’m going to wait for you outside the restaurant.”

I forced a smile. “Sure. I understand.”

After, we walked to the elevator bank. Neither of us said a word. Once we were inside and the doors slid closed, I turned to her.

“I’ll meet you down in the lobby in fifteen minutes to check out? We can walk out together?”

She nodded but kept her eyes pointed at the ground. “Sure.”

Inside my room, I was relieved to have a few minutes alone. It had been hard to breathe with the thick tension in the air. Since I’d been up all night, my things were already packed and ready to go. There wasn’t much I needed to do before going back downstairs. I thought about calling Brayden, or maybe texting to let him know it was done. But that would inevitably cause an avalanche of questions, none of which I felt prepared to answer. So instead, I lay back on the bed, closed my eyes, and tried to meditate.

“Everything is going to work out,” I whispered to myself. “Just breathe. In…and out.”

I inhaled deeply, feeling my lungs fill with oxygen, then attempted to blow out all the tension from my body. But thoughts flooded my mind like a burst dam. What if Caitlin can’t get over this? What if she distances herself? Can I continue to work with Brayden at Ryan’s House? If I don’t, will I ever see him again? That last thought made my chest ache.

I inhaled again, this time making an ohmmm sound. It might be impossible to clear my head, but I was giving it the old college try anyway. Finally, after a dozen inhales and exhales, I called it quits. If I didn’t have to drive myself home, I might’ve resorted to alcohol to take the edge off. I used the bathroom before doing one last sweep of the room to make sure I wasn’t leaving anything behind, and then I headed down to the lobby.

Still in a fog, I wasn’t paying attention to how many floors the elevator car traveled down. So when the doors slid open, I started to exit, assuming we’d arrived at the lobby. But I stopped dead in my tracks when I got a look at the two people standing on the other side of the threshold, waiting to get on.

Caitlin.

And Brayden.

The three of us looked like a trio of deer caught in the headlights. “I, uh, thought this was the lobby,” I said.

Caitlin pursed her lips. “Nope. Second floor.”

Does she think I’m getting off to go to Brayden’s room?

Brayden caught my eye. He looked as heartbroken as I felt, yet he gestured to Caitlin. “You two, go. I’ll wait for the next one.”

Brayden and I stared in awkward silence as Caitlin stepped into the elevator. I didn’t think things could get much more uncomfortable, but they did, once the doors shut and my daughter and I were alone in the car.

“Caitlin, I’m so sorry. I had no idea he was checking out too. I haven’t spoken to him since—”

She held a hand up. “Stop apologizing. I just want to go home.”

Luckily, we only had to go down one floor. At the front desk, two clerks were waiting. Caitlin checked out with one while I settled up with the other. I looked around the lobby, anxious that Brayden might appear again, while trying my best not to look like I was scanning for anyone in particular. Probably didn’t matter though, as my daughter never glanced my way. After we were done, we walked to the parking lot together.

Caitlin pointed to the left. “I’m over there.”

I nodded. “I’m the other direction.” I stepped forward, engulfing her in a hug I wasn’t sure she wanted. “Thank you so much for coming all this way for my birthday. It meant a lot to me.”

She gave me a piss-poor smile. “No problem.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow? After work?”

“Sure.”

“Safe drive home.”

“You, too.”

A few minutes later, I watched Caitlin’s white BMW pull out of a spot and drive toward the exit. My hands were still shaky, and I didn’t feel ready to drive. But I was afraid she might check her rearview mirror to see if I was behind her. If I wasn’t, she might assume I’d stayed behind to wait for Brayden. So even though I could’ve used another minute to collect myself, I started the car and followed. A mile or so down the road, I got caught at the light before the highway merge while Caitlin kept going. Up ahead, she turned right onto the entrance ramp, and then I lost sight of her. My shoulders drooped with relief.

Since she would now be a few minutes ahead and always drove faster than I did, I doubted she’d expect to see me behind her anymore. So I pulled into a gas station and called Brayden. I was curious about the conversation they’d had while waiting for the elevator.

He answered on the first ring. “Are you okay?”

I smiled sadly. He had to be hurting, too, yet it was just like him to worry about me.

“Not really.” I sighed.

“I guess you told her?”

“She didn’t say anything while you were standing at the elevator?”

“Nope. I smiled when she walked up, but she didn’t reciprocate. She looked pretty pissed off. So I figured it was best to follow her lead. Neither of us said a word.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “It didn’t go so well at breakfast.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too. She put up a giant wall. I’m hoping she comes around a bit after it sinks in. If she feels anything like we did last night when we discovered how we’re all connected, she’s probably still shocked.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“I’m still not over the shock.”

“Neither am I.”

We were quiet for a moment. Eventually Brayden spoke. “What are we going to do now?”

“There is no we, Brayden. Not anymore. There can’t be.”

I heard the sadness in his voice. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant what can I do to help? But…”

“But what?”

“Is this really the end for us?”

“You used to date my daughter, Brayden! You slept together!”

“It was a lifetime ago.”

“It doesn’t matter if it was a hundred years ago. It happened, and no amount of time can take that back. This is what being a parent is. You have to put your child first.”

He blew into the phone. “Will you come on Thursday again this week? So we can talk?”

“I’m not sure I can come back at all, Brayden.”

“But…”

Tears filled my eyes. “I need to go. I pulled over at a gas station to call you, and I don’t want to get home too late after Caitlin, in case she drops by or something.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll let you know whether I’ll be back at Ryan’s House.”

“Okay. But I hope you come back.”

“Goodbye, Brayden.”

“Be careful driving.”

I swiped my phone off just as my tears spilled over. I hadn’t cried yet, but suddenly I couldn’t turn off the waterworks. My shoulders shook as I sobbed and sobbed. It felt like my heart had been split in half. I wanted to turn my car around, drive back to the hotel, jump into Brayden’s arms, and let him tell me everything was going to be alright. But it wouldn’t be. That wasn’t real. It was just a fantasy.

Maybe that’s what thinking things could work out with Brayden had been from the start—a fantasy.

***

“That…” Wells twirled his pointer finger, motioning to my face. “…had better be a look of exhaustion from banging all night, not from tossing and turning because of pent-up sexual frustration.”

My eyes filled with tears as I stood across from him Monday morning at work.

Wells’s face changed, and he pulled me into a hug. “Oh, sweetheart, you don’t look that bad. Stop being so sensitive. Plus, we can do a laser eye treatment for those bags.”

I sniffled, pulling back from Wells. “Brayden and me—it’s over. We can’t see each other anymore.”

“Why? What happened?”

“He…used to date Caitlin.”

Wells blinked twice. “Come again?”

I shook my head. “I know. It’s crazy. But Caitlin showed up to surprise me at the hotel this weekend, and it turns out the two of them know each other. They dated for a while in college. For months actually. She was supposed to bring him on a family ski trip even, but it wound up getting canceled.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.”

“Damn, you two really do have the same taste. Remember that time you showed up at Richard’s office party in the same dress?”

I closed my eyes. “You’re not making me feel any better.”

“Sorry, Kitten. I’m sure it was a shock to find that out, but does it really matter? College was a decade ago for Caitlin. What did she say when she found out?”

“She wasn’t happy. She was as freaked out as I was.”

“Well, give it some time. I’m sure she won’t care.”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter if she cares. I care. They…were intimate.”

Wells scrunched up his nose. “Okay, that is kind of weird. But it’s better than sleeping with your cousin, right?”

“My cousin? What are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying, there are worse things than seeing the same man naked as your stepdaughter. For example, sleeping with your cousin, or your brother. Or…that really old guy in the Senate, the one whose ears hang down almost to his shoulders. He needs otoplasty. I read about different cosmetic ear surgeries the night of the last election when they kept showing that dude on the screen.”

I frowned. “I really liked him, Wells.”

“I know you did, sweetheart. I liked him for you, too.”

“I don’t know if I should go back to finish the Ryan’s House project.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you have to go back. That has nothing to do with whether you can be with the boy-toy.”

I would hate to walk away from the commitment I made to the charity. That’s not the person I was. “I know, but…”

“But what? I’m sure he’ll be respectful. He seems like a stand-up guy from everything you’ve told me.”

I sighed. “That’s not the problem.”

“Okay, so what is?”

“I’m not worried about Brayden’s ability to keep his distance. I’m worried about my own self-control. I don’t trust myself around Brayden.”