The Purge

“I opened my mouth, almost something.Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But Ididn’t.”

Khaled Hosseini; The Kite Runner

I opened my eyes to find the skies empty. That’s when I realized I was looking at the wrong direction. I was heading the wrong direction.

I don’t know when did this happen. Feelings are torturousintangible parasites that kill me slowly. They’re like bombs exploding inside of me that I could barely hold myself before I shatter into pieces. There will always going to be this one thing you wish you’ve never done. That one mistake you wish you can erase but can never undo. And this one moment you wished you could take back and hold on to for a much longer time. But life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight or have someone kiss you to wakeyou up, you’re drunk.

I find myself back in reality where I let my emotion scarry my inner self in some place where I’ve locked myself away from people. My anger strike at Halley and the moment I realized I have hurt her it was too late to take it back.

That’s where you’re good at anyway, pushing people away!

“I’m going after her.” Sigourney said as she rushed tofollow Halley out the door.

I watched the door swing shut in front of me like a fading hope.

“What is wrong with you, Bri?” I turned to face Athren.

I felt my shoulders sulk. “Nothing.”

“Nothing. Nothing and yet you threw Halley off the wall?” he scoffed at me. “I don’t even knowyou anymore. What is happening to you?”

I looked away as I shook my head in disbelief. Even I amat war with myself.

Still I said nothing.

“There you go again. You’re shutting me out.” he said.”Bri, I’m your best friend, you know you can always tell me anything and I will listen.”

Still I remained silent.

“Is this about Conleth?” he asked. “You know you can always take him back-“

“I don’t want him. He doesn’t want to be with us anyway.” I snapped.

He raised his hands in surrender. “Fine, fine. But can you please tell me what’s going on? I’m worried about you.”

“I’m okay.”

I looked down at my feet so I won’t see the disappointment in his eyes.

“No, you’re not.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Don’t push away the people who truly care about you,Bri, because one day, they won’t come back. You shouldn’t have to rip yourself into pieces to keep others whole. You need to let us in.”

Let people in.Easy for him to say. But it has never been easy for me. If I open a door for people to step into my life then I’m giving them the opportunity to hurt me again. Trust is not given for free, it is earned. I have let people hurt me once and I’m not about to make that mistake again. I won’t allow them.

“If you wanna leave, the door is always open. Just makesure you shut it close behind you.”

I heard him sigh in the background. He took a tentative step towards me, hesitated, and then he decided to follow the rest of my team out the door.

And I was left to my own dark, quiet world where I am alone and yet unharmed.