The murder card

Dear diary, after weeks and weeks of deciding who is right and who is wrong, who is good, who is bad, I was able to make a decision. I feel a bit ashamed that it took me so long to decide. I think I knew who I would choose from the beginning, I was just afraid to admit it to myself. I was afraid of chance, of something different and unknown, just like I have been, my whole life. I was never the one who take the path less traveled, I always picked the safest and most known path. I only chose what I knew and what didn’t scare, even if it wasn’t the best for me. Safety has been my guide my whole life and where has it brought me? I am alone, with no friends, I have disconnected all ties with my family and I am still stuck in a low paying job, afraid to make a change, to make life better for me. It was time to make a change, time to finally stand up to fear and not let it terrorize me any longer. I will come clean to Ian, admit everything to him and beg for forgiveness. I hope he won’t be to mad. I do think he is right and what he and his group are doing is great and I can’t ignore that any longer. Something is off and I feel obligated to do something, not just to sit around and wait for things to get better. When I finally made a decision, I was excited and nervous at the same to meet Ian. But I could get in touch with him for two days, so I needed to distract myself. Luckily, part of my new job is schedule and I was able to shift it around so I was on those Murder card descriptions. Gruesome as they may be, they do take my mind off everything else and for those few moments I forget about my situation and focus on something other than myself.