SWNOVELS Chapter Chapter Eight
Donovan felt very optimistic when he knocked on the door of Maren’s sitting room. He knew he had the best possible plan and was relieved that both Alec and the Duke thought so too. He hoped Maren would agree.
“Who is it?” her voice called from the other side of the door.
He took a deep breath.
“It’s me,” he called back. “Can we talk? Please?”
There was a brief pause while his heart pounded before she called, “Alright, you can come in.”
Not an enthusiastic greeting, but it was the best he could have hoped for under the circumstances.
He opened the door and stepped inside. She was sitting in an armchair, wearing one of her blue day dresses. Her day dresses seemed to all be blue or green, but the color suited her. Her hair was braided simply. She looked very much like she did the day he’d met her, and only marginally less terrified.
She was still the best thing he’d ever seen. Only a few days ago, he had thought he’d never see her again. He wanted to rush at her and hold her in his arms, but knew that was not what she wanted. He was still oath-bound never to touch her against her will, and he would honor it.
She gestured for him to sit on a sofa beside her, and he did. He felt many conflicting emotions. He was nervous and excited and happy and worried all at the same time.
Donovan tried to focus on what needed to be done, though. Letting his emotions reign over him was what got him in trouble the last time. He needed to be calm. He knew she needed him to be calm. So, he would be calm.
“Thank you for seeing me,” he said in a quiet voice.
She nodded.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I’m all right,” she said.
She didn’t look all right. She looked pale and overtired, but he wanted to avoid pressing her.
It had been a very long time since their conversation had felt so stilted and awkward. Donovan didn’t like it, but he knew he needed to press on.
“I am so sorry for what I said yesterday. I shouldn’t have lost my temper,” he said.
She took a deep breath. “No, you shouldn’t have. But I think I should have been more prepared to actually talk to you.”
He still felt guilty, but was glad to hear she didn’t hate him for it.
“Well,” he said with a smile, “You can blame Alec for that.”
He was glad to see her smile back, even if it was a small one.
“Or perhaps what I can only imagine was very reckless driving on your part,” she said with a wry smile.
The truth was he had driven like a madman. He stopped only as needed to change the batteries and sleep for a few hours. He drove entirely too fast and too late into the night. It was something of a miracle he had arrived in one piece.
“Possibly,” he admitted.
There was an awkward silence while he tried to collect his thoughts for what he had to say next.
“Maren, I hope you’ll believe me when I say I want to marry you. To be honest, it seemed so obvious to me that I would that I assumed you would be sitting here waiting for me with a magistrate,” he said.
She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. He smiled at the thought too, but continued.
“That wasn’t fair to you, though,” he said. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t more thoughtful. Now, I have a plan, and it isn’t perfect, but I think it will work. But if you’ve already made up your mind to…have Alec handle it… I won’t stop you, and you don’t have to listen to the plan.”
It made him feel like his heart was dying to say it. But he had to give her the choice.
“I haven’t,” she said. “I’ll listen.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. He was grateful to have the opportunity to explain.
“Well, the biggest problem, of course, is Kieran. Now, as much as I’d like to see him exiled altogether, I don’t think it’s possible. But I do think I could get him banned from Court and, ideally, confined to another estate and removed from his position,” he said.
Maren raised a very skeptical eyebrow. “How?”
“I will tell my father exactly what he did to you,” he said.
“But —“
“I know, I didn’t report it after you left because I thought Kieran would ruin your reputation,” he said. “But, Maren, we can prove him wrong now.”
She frowned, and he could tell she didn’t understand what he meant.
He smiled. Because he could not say the words without feeling happy about them.
“Maren, you’re pregnant! As verified by the Court Physician! As far as anyone needs to know, that means you cannot be a Wielder.”
He smiled again when he saw her realize the truth about what he was saying.
“So, I really believe I can report him and get him appropriately punished,” he said.
Gods, he should probably do that no matter what. It would be a public service.
“Alright, I concede that’s a viable solution. What about the rest?” she said.
He was thrilled to hear that—he thought the Kieran part of the problem was the trickiest bit. He hoped that if she was comfortable with that, she would agree to the rest.
“The rest is so incredibly simple that I cannot believe it took me so long to think of it,” he said, leaning forward in his excitement.
He knew he sounded too eager, but he couldn’t help himself. The idea was so audacious and rebellious and flawless.
“We get married,” he said.
Maren furrowed her brow.
He smiled and explained. “No, I mean we do it here. Without getting permission. Your father is already coming here, so we can do it properly with a contract and everything,” he said.
He could see she found that a very shocking notion. He found it shocking, too.
“Do you think we could possibly find a magistrate who would do that? Not to mention, that’s asking quite a lot of Jonathan,” she said.
He bristled at that. “Jonathan, is it?”
She raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you jealous?”
He didn’t answer. He was a bit jealous that she had so casually called the man by his first name. It illustrated a closeness between them that he didn’t like. He knew that wasn’t fair, especially considering that the Duke had agreed to help him marry her, but he couldn’t help it. It was like a reflex.
“I’ll point out that you are the one ruining his wedding plans,” she said.
She was right, of course, and he was slightly embarrassed to have been jealous over something he didn’t need to be jealous about. He nodded in appreciation of her point and moved on.
“The Duke and I discussed the matter this morning. He is happy to host, and he knows the local magistrate and suggested he is either friendly or bribable, I’m not sure which.”
She was perhaps even more surprised.
“Won’t the King just annul the marriage?”
He smiled. He thought this was one of the best parts of the plan.
“I have an idea. I’ll put in a contract provision that, I think, will stop them. If need be, I’ll resign and marry you again. But I don’t think it will come to that. Once they see that I’m truly serious and this isn’t something I did on a whim, I think they’ll let it stand.”
He hoped. It was a bit of a gamble, but he was willing to take the risk.
“You’ve thought of everything,” she said.
He had tried. Alec had helped a lot.
“Well, you’ll have to sell your parents on the idea,” he said.
She blew out her breath. “Quite a task…but probably not an insurmountable one.”
He did not think her parents would be as much of an obstacle as his. Hopefully.
“Maren, there are two reasons not to marry me. If you don’t want to or if you feel it’s too dangerous. Make no mistake, love, I know it will be. You’ll be married to the Crown Prince, and you’ll eventually be queen,” he said.
She sighed. “I do want to, but…”
He wished he could cling to those words. But he knew that for Maren, wanting to do something wasn’t enough.
“I know. It’s a lot to ask of you.”
“It’s not just me… I’m in danger getting out of bed. I’m used to it. But…if I’m exposed, what would happen to you and the baby?”
Well, there was something he hadn’t thought of.
He sighed. “I don’t know. I think it’s likely that people would believe I was enchanted. I think the popular misconception that Light Wielders can control men would convince them. But I don’t know what would happen to the child.”
“I don’t want to bring a child into the world only to put it in danger,” she said.
They sat quietly for a few moments, thinking. He couldn’t argue with her desire to protect their prospective child. He already felt deeply protective of them both.
But he also knew that Maren was quite a lot stronger than she thought she was. He had no doubt she would’ve walked away from that checkpoint even if she had to kill numerous Trackers.
“Do you remember our conversation after the execution?” he asked.
She laughed. “The one I had on the floor of the washroom with the Crown Prince? Vaguely.”
He smiled. He had been terribly surprised she’d let him sit with her and provide some comfort, but he was glad she did. In hindsight, it was when they became friends.
“You told me that if you were ever headed to the gallows, you’d be burning everything in sight. I think that if our child was in danger, you and I would both do anything to protect them.”
He tried not to think about what she’d asked of him in that conversation: to kill her before he let Kieran steal her powers. It gave him a chill.
“Can I think about it?” she asked.
He smiled and nodded. “I want you to.”
As much as he would have liked for her to throw her arms around him and demanded they get the magistrate immediately, he knew that was unlikely. Thinking about it was the best he could hope for, and he was glad she would. He wanted her to be certain.
“Thank you,” she said.
He wasn’t sure what to do next. He would rather not leave her alone, but he wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alone.
“Do you want me to come back later? Or tomorrow?” he asked.
She looked like she was in something of a daze.
“I’m not sure. I’ll send for you when I’m ready, I think,” she said.
He rose to leave and thought it was a good sign that she did to show him out.
“You know,” he said as he walked to the door, “This is the most hideous room I’ve ever been in.”
She laughed, and he was overjoyed to hear it was a real laugh.
“The bedroom’s the same. It’s awful,” she said.
Donovan turned around to face her and took her hand in his. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to do it, but he kissed her hand. He hadn’t done that since the first few months she had been at the palace. But he needed to connect with her in some way at that moment.
“Take all the time you need and…if you want to talk…” he said.
She nodded. “Thank you.”
He wanted to tell her he loved her, but wasn’t sure he could without also needing to hold her and kiss her. He settled for squeezing her hand before turning and walking away.
Donovan had thought that coming up with a solution for them to marry and telling her would be the hard part, but he was wrong. The wait that followed would be the hard part.
Usually, when Maren had to make a significant decision, the answer was obvious to her. She made the decision swiftly and without second guesses. She had done it when she had decided to run away from home on her thirteenth birthday, and when she decided to return home after Karlyn died. Most recently, she had done it when she decided to go to Donovan’s bedroom late one night just over four weeks ago.
But now that she was faced with what seemed to be the most important decision of her life, the answer was not obvious at all.
She was being pulled in a dozen different directions. If she just did what she wanted, it was simple. She’d marry Donovan. But she didn’t think she could make her decision based solely on what she wanted. Too many other people might get hurt.
Maren felt overwhelmed and restless after speaking to Donovan. She knew she needed to get out of her rooms and she still felt somewhat nauseous, but knew some activity would be helpful.
She considered attempting to find Jonathan, but didn’t feel quite ready to have a serious conversation about her future. A break from everything sounded much better.
What she really wanted was to talk to Alec about nothing because that would cheer her up and provide a distraction. But she knew she owed him an apology. Well, they owed each other apologies, and she wasn’t sure she was up to that either.
She decided to walk down to the beach. She thought the sand and the waves would possibly be soothing.
As she walked down to the beach, she tried to imagine what she might tell her parents if she agreed to marry Donovan.
“Hello, Mother, Father. Do you remember the prince who took me as his mistress? Well, I’m having his baby and marrying him and becoming a princess and living in the most dangerous place that I could ever live. You won’t mind, will you? Oh, and yes, I’ll be the Queen eventually.”
She groaned. It was better than telling them that she was giving up their only grandchild and disappearing forever, but not by very much. Truly, it sounded so absurd, she honestly didn’t think they’d believe her even if Donovan himself told them it was true.
She tried to put all the uncomfortable thoughts away as she stepped out onto the sand. It was as pleasant as she thought it would be, and didn’t mind at all that the hem of her dress would be sacrificed for her venture.
She wandered for a bit, just admiring the sound of the sea, before sitting in a chair on the beach. They were clustered around what appeared to be a space used for bonfires. Maren avoided recreational fires on principle, but it was hard to imagine something nicer than a bonfire on the beach. Perhaps they could have one while she was there. It would be delightful to sit cozily with Donovan by the fire…
She was tempted to shake herself out of her daydream, but for once, actually allowed it. If she was seriously considering marrying Donovan, she should try to picture what it would be like.
The flashes of a life with him came to her easily: standing before a magistrate holding hands, her parents smiling on; dancing at a ball at Court; walking in the palace gardens, her stomach round with their baby; watching him hold their child for the first time, filled with joy and love; Donovan chasing after a shrieking, giggling child while she watched, maybe even already carrying the next one.
It was beautiful. But she knew there were parts of that life she wasn’t seeing: the constant stress of possible discovery, Court gossip and political turmoil, Donovan working long hours to run the kingdom, her own responsibilities as queen, and always, no matter what, the looming threat that Kieran would return to cause harm.
And in addition to that, there were dozens, hundreds even, of fears related to the child. What powers would they have? If it was a boy, would he have the right ones? And if it was a girl, would she have the wrong ones? What if they found out what their mother was? What if Kieran harmed them in some way to punish her or Donovan?
If it was just about loving Donovan, she would have already married him. She wanted to, and she was trying very hard to believe that he wanted to too. But there was so much more at stake than just their happiness.
She tried to picture the alternative. It didn’t come together as easily, but she could still see it: weeping as Alec explained the procedure to her; another heartbreaking goodbye with Donovan, who would likely never forgive her; marrying Jonathan and pretending to be happy about it; trying to be a good wife through her broken heart but never really being the sort of wife she should be, the sort of wife someone like Jonathan deserved. And then hearing news from Court that Donovan had married that his wife had given him a son, all while knowing that she had turned down that life.
But, she didn’t think she would be hunted by Kieran. She would be safe. And wasn’t it better to stop the growth of a potential child than to put that same child in danger?
She sighed. It seemed she could easily talk herself into either decision.
What would be the easiest to live with? Perpetual guilt and grief or joy mixed with equal parts fear.
Both sounded awful to her.
She decided she couldn’t make a decision yet, so she leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, just listening to the waves. It was very peaceful, and she didn’t even notice when she dozed off to sleep.
“You know, we have beds,” Alec said to a dozing Maren.
He hadn’t known he’d find her at the beach, but was glad he found her.
She blinked up at him.
“The roses were keeping me up,” she said.
He nodded. “They are hideous.”
He had forgotten how awful they were before he saw Maren in her rooms on this trip. It had been years since he’d seen them last.
She sat up and yawned. He stood for a moment and looked out at the waves. He wasn’t quite sure how to talk to her. So, he decided to be blunt about it.
“Are we speaking then?” he asked.
She smiled and nodded, and he smiled too before he sat beside her.
“I’m not sorry I did it, but I am sorry I didn’t tell you right away,” he said.
“I hate to admit it, but it was probably best that you did do it. I am sorry I yelled at you,” she said.
He shrugged. “I would have yelled at me too. It doesn’t matter.”
“Thank you for doing what I needed,” she said.
He was glad to hear she agreed with his decision.
“That’s what friends are for, Maren, dear.”
He knew she didn’t have many friends. He hoped he had done right by her.
They sat quietly for a bit, watching the waves.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Exhausted.”
“That’s normal. Everyone’s tired the first three months or so,” he said. “Morning sickness?”
“Just a bit nauseous. Can’t drink coffee or wine, though.”
“Also normal. It’s early, though, so it might get worse before it gets better,” he said.
“Excellent.”
He thought she was probably only four or no more than five weeks pregnant. Considering that she wasn’t pregnant (at least so that his father noticed) and then she was while away from the father of the baby, it had to be very early.
“And your ribs, et cetera?” he asked.
“Hurt but fine.”
Alec wasn’t sure he believed her, but decided to let it go for the moment.
“I take it you’re familiar with the proposal?” she asked.
He smiled.
“Who do you think came up with the best parts of it?”
“Your father,” she said dryly.
He laughed. “No, I think he only signed off on it. I helped with the parts about Kieran. The rest was Donovan.”
“What should I do?”
He sighed. “I think you know I can’t tell you that. And I think you know what I want you to do, but what I want doesn’t matter.”
She sighed. “I know. It would just be a bit easier if someone would tell me what the right choice was.”
Alec chuckled. “From what I heard, that’s what Donovan tried to do yesterday, and it didn’t go very well”
“Ah, well, he’s biased. It doesn’t count.”
Alec looked at her. “Do you at least believe he actually does want to marry you?”
He was a bit nervous asking the question. He was using it to gauge whether it would be helpful to tell her about his struggles.
She blew out her breath. “I’m…trying.”
Alec was a bit relieved. It didn’t seem necessary to tell her. He wondered what his father had said to get through to her.
“Do you want to marry him?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.
“I really do.”
“But?”
She sighed. “I’m worried about how much danger the baby will be in”
“From Kieran?” he asked.
She nodded. “From Kieran and from everyone. What if I’m found out? Prince or no, a witch’s child would be doomed as an outcast at best. Or what if it’s a girl and she has my powers? She’ll be condemned to a life as a fugitive while growing up in the most scrutinized family in the kingdom. I’m just not sure if it’s right to bring someone into this world for them to be in such danger.”
“What if you aren’t ever found out? Or what if your daughter has no powers? What if Kieran dies, and you dismantle the Trackers and stop executing witches?”
She scoffed. “I shall be very lucky indeed.”
“My point is that you don’t know. It’s impossible to know. I hate to say it, but it’s still very possible something might go wrong, and the baby won’t be born,” he said.
“Isn’t that a reason to do the cautious thing? Because we don’t know?”
“Gods, no! That’s a reason to seize the opportunity you have to marry the man you love! Do it while you can and do it because it will make you happy and do it because together the two of you might do some good!”
He had to resist the urge to jump up in his enthusiasm. He wanted her to marry Donovan very badly. There were plenty of reasons he felt strongly about it: it was for her sake and Donovan’s sake and the whole damn kingdom’s sake. But it was also for his sake. Because he could never marry someone he loved, and he really did not want to see two people he cared so much about miss their chance.
“I thought you weren’t going to tell me what to do?” she asked, smiling.
He shrugged. “Well, you already knew what I think you should do.”
She chuckled. “I’m glad at least one of us is certain.”
Alec looked at her seriously.
“He is too.”
They fell silent for a time. He sensed that she needed some quiet, and he was thinking about how to tell her what he already knew to be true.
“Did he tell you about Madison?” Alec asked after a time.
“The broad strokes,” she said.
“Gods, I hated her,” Alec said.
She was Donovan’s first-ever Selection mistress, and it was a disaster. He fell in love with her, and she played along, but in the end was only using him.
Maren laughed. “Hard to imagine you hating anyone…well, anyone except Kieran.”
“She was awful. Now, I don’t blame anyone for using the Selection to their advantage, that’s part of the whole thing. And there is, by definition, a certain amount of theatre to it. But she knew Donovan was madly in love with her, and she led him on. She loved that she had a prince wrapped around her finger. She was mean and played with him on purpose.”
Maren scoffed. “Sounds like a good match for Kieran.”
“Well, I’m not sure anyone deserves him, but she comes closest for sure. I could have dealt with her on her own, but what she made Donovan into was just insufferable. He and I had only been friends a few months before he chose her, but we were pretty close already. The more the year went on, the more he just lost everything he was and became just completely obsessed with her. She was all he could talk about. He was just a ball of nerves and nonsense.”
“That’s hard to imagine,” she said.
Alec couldn’t blame her. The only Donovan she’d ever known was confident and self-assured.
“Well, he was only eighteen, and I do recognize not all eighteen-year-olds can be as confident as I was,” he said with a wink.
The truth was that Alex was something of a nervous wreck pretending to be confident at that age, but that was beside the point.
Maren laughed and rolled her eyes. “Sure you were.”
“Believe what you like,” he told her smartly. “But of course when things ended with Madison, Donovan was devastated. He got over it eventually and then there was the disaster with Caroline, and I was relieved to see him stop taking public mistresses after that.
“As far as I know, he didn’t have any other significant relationships before you came along. I think he was bothered by the idea once he was spoken for. And, well, you know he’s a romantic at heart. I think he was trying to protect himself.
“I was so worried when he chose you. I couldn’t have imagined what possessed him to, especially since I could see how awkward things were between you at the beginning.”
Maren laughed. “Well, now you know why, he both loathed me and was terrified of me.”
“It does make much more sense in hindsight. But I noticed that he cared about you fairly soon after that —“
“Well, I did save his life,” she interjected.
“Speaking of, I have about seven thousand questions about the healing when you’re up to it,” he said.
She laughed. “Sure.”
“But after I saw him begin to care for you, I saw him become a better man. The time he talked about ending public executions? That was the very first time I heard him say something meaningful about being king. And that was when I knew you were good for him,” he said.
He did regret parts of that conversation, though. Alec had been trying to argue a bit for the sake of arguing, trying to get Donovan to plan ahead and think about what obstacles he might face. It was something Alec picked up from his father. But he thought perhaps it might have left Maren with the impression that he was bothered by witches. He didn’t think it mattered now, though.
“I’m not entirely sure that I have much of a point,” he said. “But only, that you bring out the best in him and he, I think, brings out the best in you. Do you remember how terrified Court made you at the beginning? Honestly, my first thought about you was, ‘Gods, what is he doing with this shrinking violet?’ I even told Donovan I didn’t think you were his type because I could see that you were skittish!”
She laughed. “Well, now you know why I was so terrified.”
He nodded. “Now I’m impressed you weren’t more terrified. But look at you now. You’re so much bolder than you used to be. Gods above, you’re seriously considering becoming the next queen.”
“Because I’ve clearly gone mad.”
He chuckled. “Because you’re more than you were. And at least part of that was him.”
Maren fell quiet and he let her think. He felt like she was close to a decision, and he wanted to give her space.
“Come on, let’s go to luncheon,” Alec said, standing up after several long minutes.
She nodded and rose. He offered her his arm and she took it.
“Only because I’m more hungry than I am tired,” she said.
He smiled. “Good. You’re eating for two.”
She smiled back at him, and he thought that was an excellent sign.
Donovan was very pleased that Maren came to luncheon instead of eating in her rooms. He took that as a good sign. He hoped.
To distract himself, Donovan spent the morning trying to catch up on some very belated reports and correspondence. He had only brought any work to keep up appearances to his parents of a work/bachelor trip, but was glad he did. It provided a very welcome distraction while he waited for Maren to decide.
Luncheon was a slightly strange affair. He and Maren weren’t really talking to each other (what could they possibly discuss?) and it made things a bit awkward. But Alec and his father were so exuberant together, it was impossible not to be entertained by their banter.
“Are you just going to laze about on the beach, or are you going to do something useful?” the Duke asked Alec in a teasing tone.
“I thought I’d take a leaf out of your book and pretend to be a gentleman of leisure while I’m here,” Alec said, smirking.
“I’ll have you know I worked nearly three hours last week,” the Duke insisted with great dignity.
“Poor man!” Alec exclaimed sympathetically. “You must take a break, you’re working yourself to death!”
Donovan shared an amused glance with Maren. It was close to impossible not to enjoy a meal with the Drakes.
Much to his surprise, Donovan found he really liked the Duke. He was as friendly as Alec, but more thoughtful and just as kind as he was reputed to be. He still felt a bit jealous of the relationship between him and Maren, but he knew that it was completely irrational.
The truth was that marrying the Duke would give Maren a much easier life than marrying Donovan. He worried that Maren might choose that life, and he couldn’t exactly blame her for it if she did.
At the end of luncheon, Maren asked, “Jonathan, could I have a word?”
Donovan tried not to read into it and tried very hard not to be jealous. There were dozens of reasons Maren may want to speak to the Duke that had nothing to do with Donovan. Maren was perfectly within her rights to speak to her host privately.
Donovan just didn’t have to like it.
Alec offered to keep him company after luncheon, but Donovan wasn’t in the mood. He told Alec he wanted to work, but actually laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling and hoped that Maren would burst in at any moment and declare her undying love for him.
She didn’t.
Instead, Donovan waited as long as he could stand it and then tried to work. He wasn’t very productive, and it didn’t last long.
Against his better judgment, he decided to go check on Maren. Perhaps she had questions about the plan. Perhaps she would let him kiss her, and then she would remember that she had to marry him.
Gods, he was in trouble.