The Gift

Right or left? Since it’s late I probably shouldn’t try going to a different floor since I’d have to pass the nurses stations, so I opt for left.

It’s quiet while I walk - well, shuffle – with just the beeps of machines and monitors breaking the silence. With nothing stopping me, I reach the playroom and stop where the linoleum meets the carpet.

I look at the chair I say in when I put my arm around Marybeth to see if maybe I’ll see her ghost, but I see nothing out of the ordinary. Well, at least not with my eyes. My mind still sees the poor girl sitting in a chair no longer there, sobbing.

I walk on the other side of the room, away from where we say, to the windows and look out. The hospital grounds are brightly lit, but I can still see the stars over the city lights.

It’s somewhat calming. I’m not sure how long I’m there when a hand is gently put on my shoulder.

I should probably be startled, but I’m not. Turning my head to see who is with me, I find that it’s a nurse named Destiny, but we call her Dee.

She’s dark brown and has an accent that makes me think she’ from Jamaica or Haiti. Somewhere in the Caribbean at least.

“Hey, Dee,” I say.

“What are you going up dis late little lady?”

“Can’t sleep. Mind is too busy.”

“I’m gonna take a guess here, Marybeth?”

I shoot her a side-long glance. She rubs my shoulder and says, “Don’t worry, Jaime told me what you did for her. That was very kind of you, you know.”

I continue to look out the window, afraid I would cry again.

“I know it’s not fair. Life can be cruel sometimes,” Dee says.

“How do you do it? Work with us day in and day out, and not be torn apart,” I ask, my voice quivering.

“I won’t lie to you missy. It’s hard. We’re told not to become attached. When we go home, to leave our work and feelings here. Of course it isn’t that easy. We see you guys every day. We talk, we help, we grow attached. When… when you leave us, we grieve.”

“Does it help to know we do too? Get attached, I mean.”

“Yes and no. It’s nice to know that we become friends. We know we’re doing our job. But it makes our… separation more difficult.

“Imagine the toddler who you play with. He soon thinks of you as a friend. You can’t ignore him and you can’t help not to like him back. We wouldn’t be human if we did. If anyone here tells you they don’t care, they lie. If it’s true, then they have no heart. No one who works in jobs like this will tell you it’s just a job or they don’t like kids. They might fool others, but they can’t fool themselves.

“Losses like today, or any loss really, takes its toll on the nurses like Anna, who spends more time with the kids. She’s strong. Stronger than most, but she suffers for it more. Each heartbreak takes its toll on her. Mind, body, and spirit. Those who aren’t as strong as she is, help cover her other duties.

“But even they care for you guys, or they wouldn’t make sure she could do what she does.”

“Dying sucks,” I say.

“Yes, it most certainly does.”

“The doctors and shrinks talk about living every day to the fullest, because you never know when you’ll have you one last good day.”

“That’s a good way to live. Even without being sick. You never know when you might suffer an accident,” Dee says.

“But that’s not all. That’s selfish.”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“I’m not worried about my last day. I’m concerned about not being able to say goodbye to the ones I love. To the ones who need it to keep on living. Sudden death frightens me, but not the dying part. I worry that my not saying goodbye, or I love you before I go would cause as much or more pain than my dying itself. Will they wonder if I loved or hated them? Was I mad at them for not being there as I die, instead of going to eat or sleep? Wil they always wonder if there was more they could have done to help me if they were there? Called a nurse a minute earlier or something. That would cause twice the pain. One of the passing, one for the uncertainty.”

I shake my head slowly and begin to cry.

“My, my. How old are you? Thirteen? How did you get to be so wise for your age?” She turns me toward her and encloses me in her arms, holding me until I got myself under control.

I hadn’t realized I had embraced her back until I went to wipe my eyes and I had to let her go.

Dee ran a hand across the top of my head, through my short hair and says, “Feel like going back to your room yet?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I think I might be able to sleep now.”

She takes my free hand and walks me back to my room, hand-in-hand. Back in my room, I hop into bed and Dee takes my slippers off, and then pulls my covers up over me. “Do we need to cage those so they don’t escape?” she asks me.

I giggle and say, “No.” She turns off my light and I tell her goodbye.

“How about saying it in a more positive way? How about, ‘Until we meet again’? One way or another we shall meet again, won’t we?”

I nod and say, “Until we meet again then.”

“Goodnight little lady, and pleasant dreams,” Dee says and walks out.

I watch the TV for a few minutes, then turn it off and fall asleep.