The Gift

I woke up and it took me a minute for my eyes to clear and my brain to register that it was dark and not my imagination. The TV was still on with the volume up just enough to make out the words.

I glance to my right and see Mom looking back at me. She’s moved her chair so it was up against the bed and she had put up the bed rails.

“You have a good rest?” she asks.

“What time is it?”

“A little after ten. You slept about nine hours. Missed lunch and dinner. Hungry? I had the nurse save you dinner in case you woke up.”

“Yeah,” I say. As I say it I realize that I’m famished. Normally I don’t eat a lot, but I felt I actually needed to eat.

Mom pushed my call button and told the nurse I was awake and asks if they could bring my dinner that was saved. We were told someone would reheat it and bring it to me.

Mom moved my table over me and raised the head of my bed. I hadn’t even noticed someone had put it down at some point. She must have realized this because she says, “You looked uncomfortable sleeping sitting up. And I put the bed rails up when I got dinner because you were tossing and turning in your sleep. With as deep asleep as you were, I worried about you rolling right out of bed.”

“Thanks,” I croak. My throat was dry.

Mom handed me my warm Pepsi and I took a big drink. “Better, thanks,” I say, setting the bottle on my table. I reach up and pull the chain above my head to turn on the single dim light behind me. One pull was two bright lights, two pulls was one dim light, while three pulls was all three lights on, making the room uber bright.

Now that I was up, Mom turned up the TV a little so we didn’t have to strain to hear it. My food came – spaghetti with soggy bread, vegetable soup, salad with ranch and a fruit cup.

We watched some sitcom while I ate and Mom kept glancing over at me as I ate, I noticed out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was because of how much I was eating.

After I finished dinner (everything no less – yay!), I pushed the table away and my mom took my hand in hers. She was acting weird and I told her so. “Okay, you’re acting strange. What’s up?”

She looked worried, opened her mouth, then closed it.

I thought she looked like a fish. “Mom…,” I said in exasperation.

“I didn’t want to spoil your dinner. You were eating so well.”

Well, that didn’t help now that you have my anxious and my food is protesting and threatening to make a reappearance, I want to say but don’t. I simply wait out her silence.

She finally starts up again. “I’d rather not tell you, but I don’t want you to hear it from someone else. While you were sleeping… Your friend Marybeth went down for a CAT scan. While she was down there she… s-she went into cardiac arrest.” She started sniffing, trying to hold back tears.

That’s my mom.

“They were still running STAT labs to see how much blood she lost. Apparently it was too much for her body. Th-they weren’t able to save her. I’m sorry honey.”

I could see the tears roll down her cheeks. I felt them on mine as well. Knowing it was going to happen didn’t make it any easier.

“Her family?” I ask.

“They showed up right before she went down for the scan. They were with her when… she passed.”

“Good.”

“Are you okay?”

I nod and say, “I’ll live… Well, figuratively I mean.” It was meant as levity for her, but it meant I’d live about six hours less. I see a smile on Mom’s face but it looks forced to me. “Relax Mom, it’s part of the wonderful hospital vacation package.” Then in a stage whisper I add, “I’d really look into firing the booking agent, however. The vacation has been sorta crappy.”

This got her to laugh some, which was infectious and soon we were both laughing. We both knew that, considering what happened, it was completely inappropriate, but the laughter was more of a pressure relief valve going off. Something we both needed.

The laughter subsided and Mom squeezes my hand again.

“Why don’t you go home and spend some time with Dad. I’ll be okay. I imagine I’ll go back to sleep. You can come back with him this weekend.”

I could tell she was still concerned. “Mom, I’ll be fine. As sad as it is, I have friends who die here, well, too often. I deal with it.”

I want to tell her it’s like how I deal with my own inevitable death. It comes down to acceptance. Ignoring it, hiding from it – while ways to cope are silly. It’s still going to happen. Wish it not so all you want, see what it gets you at the end.

I know Mom is a realist, but she didn’t want to give up hope. Neither did I, until Lucas told me the surety of it. I guess he could have lied to me, but why would he? What did he have to gain by it?

“You want me to wait until you go back to sleep?” she asks.

“No, get home before Dad goes to sleep. Tell him I love him.”

Mom gets up and gives me a hug and a kiss. I can see she’s still skeptical so I make a shooing motion to get her moving. She picks up her purse and my laundry bad and heads towards the door.

Stopping in the doorway, she turns and says, “Call me if you need me. Or if you just want to talk. Dad and I will be here Saturday morning. Tell the doctor to call me if anything changes in the results of your PET scan Friday. Otherwise we’ll talk to him on Saturday.”

“Okay, will do.”

She still hesitates at the door. “You sure you’re okay honey?”

“Really, truly, Mom. Promise.”

“’K. See you in…” she looks at her watch, “… two days and a few hours.”

I wave bye again. She gets the message and walks away. I slump back against my bed.

I love my mom dearly, but sometimes she raises my stress level by worrying. I’ll miss her but I’m glad she’s gone.

Bored, I channel surf, trying to find something to watch. I go through all the channels twice before settling on some space horror movie.

Trying to relax, I recline my bed some and lay back, only halfway way watching the movie. My nurse comes in to take my vitals and check on me.

“You’re up late,” she says. “Want your sleeping pill?”

“No, I’m not really tired because of my nap. I’ll just watch some TV until I get tired.”

“Okay, let me know if you change your mind,” she tells me and leaves.

The movie ends and I’m still laying here wide awake. I sigh and decide to go for a walk. I find my slippers right under my feet as I hop off the bed. Mom must have put them there.

Putting them on, I grab my ball and chain and walk to the door.