SWNOVELS Chapter 64
I look up at the sound of a security notification from one of the robots Lex gifted me, its weird little face turning into a video feed that shows me Xavier sitting on the hood of his car, in front of my house.
He’s been showing up every single day, and though I’ve been refusing to let him in, he hasn’t stopped showing up. Every day, he leaves me little gifts — more annotated books that I haven’t had the heart to open, countless Juliet roses, a nicely packaged cheese platter from the French place I’ve grown to love, and an endless amount of little notes with short messages telling me that he misses me and loves me.
Somehow he seems to know that I’m watching him, because he looks up and smiles right at the camera in that devastatingly handsome way as he holds up a clear bag filled what appear to be homemade cookies, followed by a large sign that reads MADE THESE FOR YOU. I’LL TRADE THEM FOR A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME PER COOKIE. I watch in absolute disbelief as he reaches for another sign and holds it up. I’LL EAT THEM IF YOU DON’T WANT THEM.
I frown when he reaches into the bag and holds up a cookie, before biting off a big chunk, making it clear he isn’t going to leave them for me like he has with all the other things he’s been giving me. I sigh as I watch him, oddly grateful he seems to have turned back into the man I fell in love with while simultaneously feeling bitter about it. I can’t help but feel like he’s only doing this because I left, and I can’t go back to someone that doesn’t appreciate what he’s got until it’s gone. He’ll just take me for granted again the moment this all blows over, and I won’t survive the heartache next time. It destroyed me to feel like I wasn’t enough, and it left my self-esteem shaken, my heart broken.
Xavier looks up in surprise when I open the front door, and his expression moves my numb heart, makes it beat again, even if it’s only for a moment. He looks at me like he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing, like the mere sight of me captivates him. I’ve gotten so used to him averting his face whenever our eyes lock that I just stare at him for a few seconds, caught in the moment. “Come in,” I tell him, stepping back. “We need to talk.”
He hesitates before pushing off his car and following me in, his gaze searching as he studies my face. “Sierra,” he says when we walk into the living room, and the way he says my name makes me turn to face him. It’s been so long since I heard him say my name like that, like I mean something to him, like I’m not just an inconvenience. “For you.”
I take the cookies from him and stare at them, my heart aching. It’s clear he’s trying to be there for me, but it feels like too little, too late. “Xavier,” I say, my voice lacking the usual affection I used to say his name with. I’ve never felt so tired, so filled with regret. I wish we’d never gotten married, never fallen in love. At least then, I’d still have had our rivalry to distract me from my grief.
He steps forward, his movements hesitant as he brushes my hair out of my face. He’d stopped touching me like that, and there was a time when I’d wondered how long I’d have to wait to regain that kind of intimacy, but I’ve learned the hard way that the passing of time is cruel, and that the moments we experience are truly one of a kind. What’s lost can’t be regained, it can only be replicated, each new moment never quite the same, never quite enough.
I step away, and he pulls his hand to his chest, resignation and regret crossing his face. “What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice soft, placating.
I look down and glance at the folder on my coffee table, my heart heavy as I hand it to him. “Let’s put an end to this.”
His hands tremble as he opens the folder and stares at the divorce papers, disbelief flickering in his eyes as he lifts his head and looks at me. “What?”
“You once told me that I shouldn’t lower my standards just because you failed to meet them, and I’m finally taking your words to heart. I’m done expecting better from someone who is more attached to his fears and insecurities than to me. You made me fall for you, only to push me away and show me that my love isn’t worth showing up for, isn’t worth fighting for. You built me up, only to shake the foundations I thought we had, and you didn’t even have the decency to watch me fall apart. Even so, I was convinced that you’d snap out of it, that you’d realize that what we have is worth everything — every risk, every nightmare you had to endure just to wake up to me. I was certain, Xavier, because all along, I was willing to risk dying if that’s what it took to be with you.”
Xavier drops the papers, and I watch them scatter on the floor as he reaches for me, his touch gentle as he cups my face. “You’re right,” he says, his voice soft. “I failed you, Sierra. I vowed to stand by you, for better or worse, but I ran when things got tough. I shut you out, undoing all the hard work we’d accomplished together, hurting you over and over again when all I’ve ever wanted to do was love you. I don’t deny it, Sierra, nor will I make excuses. You deserve better than that. But I swear to you, I’m done running. Please—”
“—it’s too late,” I tell him, not wanting to hear his excuses, his empty promises. “I refuse to be with someone who isn’t willing to heal from the scars left behind by his past. You’re right, Xavier. I deserve better.”
His eyes flash with pain, and he steps closer, until his body is flush against mine. “Then I’ll be better,” he tells me, his gaze unwavering. “I’m not signing those papers. I’m never letting you go, Sierra. I’m going to show you that you’re worth fighting for, and I’m going to do everything in my power to earn your forgiveness. I’ll try, day in and day out, for a million years and a day if I need to.”