Synonym

The pride and joy I felt in the pit of my stomach didn't go away even after we dropped Sam off at college that Thursday night. As soon as we finished at the courthouse, we said our goodbyes and took off for college. It was best not to miss another day of classes for all three of us, not to mention training.

We didn't have much time to say goodbye to Sam because it was already around seven by the time we arrived at John Hopkins. Finn and I arrived home about an hour latter and started preparing for Friday. That included cramming all of the homework we didn't quite finish while away. To put it lightly, it was a long night.

In the morning I was surprised to be treated with an equally enthusiastic Jason which is something I had never experienced before. Needless to say, he put all three of us in a good mood. Truth be told, I think he missed us but he would never admit it.

It didn't hit me until I was playing with the channels on the televisions in the weight room, that I didn't remember most of the trial. I had been so consumed in nerves and flashbacks that I didn't even hear most of what was being said. I hoped that didn't translate on camera because the whole trial was being broadcasted all over major media channels. I stopped on one of the national stations when Anthony spoke up.

"You sure you want to watch this here?" He asked while walking into the weight room. Everyone was just arriving here but the broadcast was starting.

"Yeah. I want to see what all the critics are saying as they say it. Besides, you're all nosy assholes so you're all just going to go home and watch it anyway. Might as while do it while we do something productive." I earned a few chuckles when I called them nosy but they all knew it was true.

I decided that since I wanted to focus on the television, today would be my cardio day. Besides, I hadn't done cardio all week so I needed to get that over with. My feet mounted the treadmill and I started to run while I watched the anchor start the program.

"The court case heard around the country' is what some analysts are calling the Mason vs Green, Alvarez, and Coleman case. Three guilty verdicts were reached yesterday as well was a landmark decision. Judge Dennis formally ruled that rape of an adult by a minor is punishable to the minor, not the adult. This is the first time that a ruling like this has been blatantly stated on the record. Critics across the board are calling this the most influential state level trial of the century. The case was riddled with abnormalities including the fainting of the plaintiff as well as political controversies such as allowing a women to play sports with men. Here we have all the highlights, only on CNN."

Oh great. I almost laughed at myself in pity. Everyone's going to watch me faint on National television. I'd be like that woman who made national news for passing out after she was convicted of conspiracy to commit murder of her ex-husband. My friends might not be laughing but I would be.

My boyfriend would probably be glaring at me for making fun of a serious medical incident.

Similarly to me, most of us stayed near the treadmills, elliptical, and bikes is we could watch the news. I wasn't exactly focused on my running, it was just happening. When you got in the zone it was hard to focus on anything else. I knew my eyes and brain were zeroed in on the screen so I barely felt the burning in my lungs and legs.

Some of the guys didn't exactly care about the trial, just the verdict. I didn't really mind though, it wasn't their business to being with. But, the ones that knew me semi well were very invested in it. Finn's interest surprised me the most. I had assumed he absorbed everything at the trial but it never crossed my mind that he too might have felt the whole process happen in a blur.

Finn was just better at hiding how he was feeling.

I watched him from the corner of my eye as we ran side by side on the treadmills. His sharp jaw clenched when I was accused of statutory rape. Some people were repelled by anger, but for some reason I found it endearing. Perhaps it was a toxic thing. I shouldn't be attracted to men with aggressive tendencies but then again, all my friends and myself had them. We were athletes. Besides, it didn't make me scared of him because never once was it ever directed at me. I had given him plenty of opportunities to hit me even after I hit him. We weren't even friends at the time and he still refused to hit me or even push me back. At the time it was infuriating and it still bothers me slightly because of the double standard, but part of me loved it. It helped me trust him even if it wasn't his initial intention.

But Finn's angry looking face was nothing compared to how tight his muscles were when my testimony was aired. The room felt eerily tense and silent among us and it seemed that everyone was listening for this part. Surprisingly, I felt nothing. I had faced the crowd. I had faced my fears. They were gone for the rest of my life.

It was closure.

If anything, I was probably the one that was effected the least. I just kept running and pushing my legs to pump faster. I had peace.

It might seem crazy to most people, but something this simple put my mind at ease. I could be on another continent but if those three roamed free, my mind would be haunted.

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It's not to say I'm over it, I still feel anxious around people I don't know. I've had nightmares every night since the first day of the trial, even last night after the conviction. My mind would never be the same, the memory of that night would haunt me until I died. I don't think that's something I would ever feel better about, but that didn't mean that my waking mind would shiver in fear.

You can not control why you feel anxiety just as you cannot control what makes it disappear. I can speculate all I want, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Compared to my mindset during the trial, where I couldn't pay attention so save my life, and now, where I was running on a treadmill with the pressure of my friends watching my reactions, somehow I was calmer here. Every word that was said and every emotion exerted. Every comment the analysts made. Everything stuck in my head, for better of for worse.

It was like a song that you couldn't get out of your head. The words were practically attached to your eyelids. And years down the road, when newer problems and newer songs come out, you still know those words like the back of your hand. They never leave.

By the time I was about to pass out, we had all stopped for a water break. I knew as soon as Ryan took the stand, that national news was about to break and the video of me fainting would be all over the internet. Call me a sadist, but I smirked a little when I watched Ryan take the bench on one of the flat screens from where I sat on the grey rubber floor of the gym.

Finn saw it from the corner of his eye as he too watched the television. He did a double take and furrowed his brows at me. "You think that's funny?" He hissed under his breath while holding his hand out to me. I took it the large hand in my own and Finn helped pull me to my feet with my right hand.

My smirk was a full on smile now. "Come on. Even you have to admit that it was funny. If I can laugh then you can too." I joked while placing my water bottle on the ground.

"It was not funny. Not funny at all. Actually it was terrifying." Finn replied without missing a beat.

"Sure. In the moment. Now it's hilarious. Besides, I was fine. It's all good now." I tried to persuade him.

"What's hilarious?" Jason asked while putting his sweaty arms around Finn and I. I shrugged him off with a disgusted look to which Jason laughed. Finn's face remained impassive as he pushed Jason off.

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"That is." I responded and nodded at the tv closest to us. Jason looked confused and opened his mouth to ask a question but I cut him off with a raised pointer finger. "Wait for it. Three...two...one." As if in cue the cameras flipped to me sitting alone at the table looking less than alright.

Judge Dennis asked me if I was alright and I couldn't help but snort as I watched myself try to stand but my legs wobbled and I landed face first on the courtroom floor. The cameras rushed to zoom in on my lifeless body and my fluttered looking face. The voices I had heard in the background ended up being my father and Finn. Cameras flips to a very agitated looking Sam, Jameson, and Finn.

Especially Jameson and Finn.

After they witnessed my panic attack in Jersey, they were both on edge especially since I actually lost consciousness that time. Finn looked about ready to punch the Court Marshall in the face as he tried to hold my boyfriend back from my lifeless body.

I couldn't stop myself from laughing lightly when they zoomed back into my blank face. I gestured to the television. "Tell me that's not funny. I dare you."

"It's not funny." Finn and Rob said at the same time. Fun spun around to look at Rob who stood watching the television. Finn gestured to Rob and said, "Thank you. See? This is a reasonable man."

"I don't know, man. I got to agree with the girlfriend. That was pretty damn entertaining seeing that she is alright." Jason chimed in while bumping my shoulder playfully with his.

I gave Finn the 'I told you so' look and he scoffed while rolling his eyes. It was pretty funny in all honesty, but I could see where he was coming from. If it was him I wouldn't be feeling this way either.

With that thought, I took a step closer to him and pressed my lips to his. I didn't care if he was sweaty as hell, I was too. In fact, everyone in the room was. Finn's lips danced against mine in a short but passionate way before Jason interrupted, "this isn't your apartment. In fact this is the only time I am not subject to your painfully public flirting." I pulled my lips away from Finn as Jason wedged his two arms between our bodies and pushed us apart. "So if we would keep physical contact to a minimum, that would be perfect."

"You're just jealous." I pointed out as Jason walked away and to a Hip Extension machine. He turned and shot me a glare before calling out to me. "Over my dead body, sweetheart."