Steeling Her: A Romance Novel

Nick

I sat there frozen for basically the entire meal, trying to rack my brain about what I can say to her; what I wanted to know; what she’s been up to, but I couldn’t think of a single fucking word.

Not one.

And that’s what frightens me. She still has that mind-numbing effect on me. That fog sweeping over my thoughts. My heart is pounding a million miles an hour, I can feel my veins thumping in my wrists and arms. The room starts feeling clammy, and my lungs feels like they’re being compressed and restricted by an unknown source.

Everything in my body longs for her but I know it’s not appropriate. As much as I’d like to lean over and take her in my arms; to embrace her; to whisper how much I’ve missed her and how much I love her; to kiss her sweet lips; to take her home with me and to devote the rest of the night to her; but I have to respect that she probably wants nothing to do with me. That she perhaps was hoping to never see me again. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. I won’t leave her again. I feel that’s there’s something still there between us. The same thing that was lingering above us in college. The same thing that I feel when I would see pictures of her or videos of her. Hearing her voice in person after so long is such a relief to me too.

I don’t know how to vindicate it. It’s like there’s something palpable in the air. Something electric and dangerous. But it’s there. I can feel the sentiments building between us as time goes on. This electric spark connecting the two of us, and damn did I miss it.

TJ payed the bill for the night, and I haven’t stopped getting glares from Chris the entire time that I’ve sat here. I don’t even need to look at him to know that; I can sense his eyes on me, watching every move I make and probably judging me for it too. I have to step back and understand where he’s coming from with it. I hurt his little sister and she may or may not be still hurting. Hence, the silence between us.

“Nick?” Everyone is standing up over me, signalling that we are leaving, but I had zoned out for a bit. I was just staring at the glass sitting on the table in front of me, thinking of something to say to her. But the time flew by, and I lost my chance.

“Sorry,” I apologize and rush to my feet. As I step to the side, I make eye contact with Carter but she flicks them downwards rapidly and steps away from her seat, her yellow dress floating after her movements. I watch her walk behind Danielle and Chris, who has his arms around his girlfriend, making her laugh. I catch up to Carter and smile once our stares meet again.

“How have you been?” I begin but the conversation is a little strained already. I don’t think the shock has worn off. I know it hasn’t for me, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to hear her voice once more.

She fretfully clears her throat and wraps her hand around it gently, stroking it to keep her hands occupied. “I’ve been fine. And you?” she asks back politely just to keep it going.

“Good, better. Thanks,” I reply. Then it falls dead silent between us. It has me placing both hands inside my jeans pockets as we reach the door. I hold it open for her as we walk outside. I couldn’t help my eyes flicking down to her ass that still holds the same shape. I gulp down and flick my eyes back up, silently scolding myself. Thankfully, nobody caught me. I quicken my pace so I can catch up to her again.

“I hadn’t realized that you were the new Chargers quarterback. I’ve been so busy with work that I didn’t have time to see the trades.” She doesn’t even look at me when she speaks; she just peers straight ahead, her tone very timid and her arms folded across her chest, which makes me look down for a spilt second until I realize what I was doing and flick my eyes back up to her side profile. She’s closed off with me, just like in the beginning. I can’t fault her for that, I fucked up.

“Um, yeah, I’ve known for a while that your brother was going to leave so I pushed for them to sign me. I’ve always wanted to play for the Chargers. When I became a free agent, they swooped in and took the chance, thanks to the help of my agent,” I disclose.

“I know.” She twists her head to face me. Her eyes haven’t lost the light-blue spark in them. I watch them pulse in front of me, and I could feel the cliché constriction in my lungs again. Her lips part ever so slightly as I observe this interaction play out. “You mentioned it in college a couple of times.” She nods and breaks that eye contact with me. I wanted to grab her face and make her look at me as the guy she liked and dated, but I can tell she’s having a trying time with it. Her hands are nervously wringing themselves like she used to do when we were together in college. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“Right, yeah, I remember. I don’t think I stopped talking about it.” I chuckle and rub the back of my clammy neck with my open palm. I hear that giggle I love; it was faint, but I heard it. I snap my attention back to her, hoping to hear it once more, but she stops and clears the imaginary lump in her throat.

“Well, it’s amazing you got that job. You’ve always wanted to play for them, now’s your chance,” she tells me. I know I won’t, not this time. This is what I’ve worked hard for, and now that I’m here, I don’t plan on leaving without a fight.

As we reach her car, I could see a rusty and dusty old . . . thing. I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the ancient death trap gawking back at me. Jesus, that’s what she drives? What happened to her four by four Mercedes’s she loved in college. Roxy?

“Yeah, I’m going to give it my best shot. I’ve worked hard for it.” I nod but can’t help but stare at this contraption that she calls her car. It looks very dated and it probably breaks down all the time. This is something that looks like my grandparents would have driven, and it looks like it’s been to the mechanics more often than not.

“I bet you have. Don’t ruin this chance. It’s your one and only if you want to come back to the team. They’re particular about players. I know they are, they know who they want and what they’re looking for,” she says, and I skim my eyes back up to her once she opens her creaky door, the noise and the motion catching my attention. I blink at her and stand larger like I did the very first night I met her, I tower over her anyway, but I couldn’t help the gesture.

I can’t get over how much she looks like the same person when I watched her walk away that haunting day; the day that I regret. Her hair is a little longer, but she still smells of coconut and mango; a hint of a floral perfume disperses every so often too. Her complexion is still radiant, and her demeanour is still skittish. I know why. It’s me.

That thought alone puts me into a sour mood.

“You going to get home alright, Cooks?” Chris yells at his sister across the car park. He closes Danielle’s door of their Mercedes car and rounds his way over to his own side. His features are stone cold, and daggers are zooming right at me.

“I’ll be fine, thanks!” She waves him off, but I saw the look in his eyes when he glanced them to me. He was warning me. I get it. I know I won’t be able to do as he pleases. I know it’ll wind me up into more trouble. That’s what I’m known for, being that stupid bad boy of the NFL. Which I’m not. I just focus a lot more than others and balance it out with heavy nights out and coiling myself up into idiotic situations, like sleeping with random girls.

I am at rock bottom and I don’t know how to yank myself out if it. I still don’t, I’m in a dark and desolate place without her and I need her in my life. I can already feel the heaviness on my shoulders being lifted just a bit.

“I’ll wait until you’re gone,” he says to her but looks straight at me, his eyes not wavering as he talks to her. And he’s the nice brother, imagine what Austin would do to me.

As I tear my stare away from him and back to his beautiful sister, I catch the bright light in her eyes again and start to remember all of the times I got to look into those beautiful crystal balls when we were lying in bed together after a night alone. When she lost herself beneath me as she let my name leave her desirable lips. The high she felt made me feel so powerful. Yellow is her color, too, she looks like she’s glowing. And that hurts. She looks like she’s happy, yet she’s on edge just talking to me.

Maybe she’s just as surprised as I am? My mind is racing around with these thoughts. I feel that invisible force pulling me back to her. That one that has us connected to each other, the tie is taut and pulling us both back to one another if we stray too far. And that’s happening right now.

“I’ve got to go.” She starts pointing to Chris and I nod and back away, understanding that this is all too much for the both of us. I could see her finger shaking like she’s nervous to be around me. I need to let her soak this all in.

“Sure, I’ll see you soon then?” I ask, and I see her hesitantly nod too. Just as she was about to step into her car, she stops for a moment and faces me again, flicking her hair over her shoulder as the wind aids the action. She stares right into my eyes for a few seconds longer than she probably should have, but I welcome it.

“Good luck on the team, Nick. Don’t get too distracted.” She taps the metal frame of her door after she said it.

The last part stung brutally, but I could see the pain in her eyes when she said it. She had that same look on her face the day I watched her walk away. Her voice quivered slightly as she did, too, and that cut deeper than I wanted; both the words and her reaction. It wasn’t my intention to make her feel like that, and now that I knew I did, it makes me feel like the worst guy on the planet for her. She deserves so much better than me, and maybe she does have someone who treats her better than I did.

But I still can’t shake her off. I’m addicted to her. I need her.

Five years later, and we’re still both really affected by that decision. It’s clear as day. I never should have chosen the game over her. Looking back, I knew I could’ve had both, but I was too blind and too intimidated to choose both.

I was a great player with or without her, I rewatched my tapes continuously. I didn’t falter as much as I was led to believe. Yeah, sure, I had a few hiccups, but I lead my team to win the Eastern title. Now, I’m going for the Super Bowl title. I’ve never been in one and now I have my chance. I’ve worked too hard to not win one with this team. I want to be the best quarterback in the game, and I need to be exceptional with her brother as the number one player who has trained all his life by the best coach there is in the game. Her brothers hate me for what I’ve done to her, I remember my sister telling me that nobody could talk to her after that day and she wouldn’t leave her room.

I felt even worse about myself and the decision. I hated my father and coach for coercing me into it too.

But one thing I know for sure, as I watch her rev her engine with one last glance at me out of her window, I know that her heart belonged to me, and I will give everything I’ve got to make it mine again.

I’m going to win her back.

I’m stealing my girl back.

***

Carter

I drove mindlessly to Ted’s house to see how he was getting on with his presentation, to see if he needed anything or that I could help him in any way, but I couldn’t get out of the car. I’ve been sitting here frozen and glued to my seat with a death grip on the steering wheel, turning my knuckles white at the peaks. I’ve been staring like a deer in headlights out the front window, trying to piece this all together. I couldn’t gather my emotions. I’m all over the place. I’m high and low in the space of two seconds.

Nick Jackson, this is your fault. All your fault.

I never knew what it would be like to see him again, how I would react or what I would say. I wanted to scream at him, make him hurt just as much as I did but I couldn’t think of anything to say, never mind do.

I thought I’d be over it now that I’m taken and in a relationship but no. My heart broke all over again, and I don’t know what to do. I start shedding a few tears alone in my car. I don’t have the courage to leave the metal box that got me here. I don’t feel like I’m in my own body right now as the memories play back in my head.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I never thought it would be so gruelling to see him again. It feels like just yesterday that he dumped me and trampled all over me. The memories of me locking myself away in my room for weeks drowns me in the deep water I’m submerged in. It was so bad, Danielle and Haley had to call my brothers and parents to check on me. Even with their busy schedules, they came and comforted me, but it just wasn’t enough.

I cried my crushed little heart out for him because I loved him. I really and truly fell for him, and I think I do still love him and that’s not fair for any of us, especially Ted.

I can’t be thinking about Nick, but him showing up out of the blue has me doing just that. It’s like telling someone to not imagine a pink elephant, and they do just that. The fact that Chris didn’t tell me that he’s the new quarterback for the team has me fuming. How could he not have warned me about this? Warned me about his return?

My mind is sprinting around in circles, trying to think of ways to avoid him, but I’ve come up with nothing. Like in college, we’re in the same state and group, I have no way of running. At the same time, I don’t even want to run from him.

Ugh! Why now?

I slam my head back and feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks and neck. “Why now?” I yell heavenward, looking like a total maniac in the process.

I don’t know how I’m expected to deal with this. Do I act normal, like we never happened even though it will probably hurt? Or do I scream at him and tell him how much of an asshole he is for coming back into my life and get it over and done with? Or . . . do I—

No, we’re not thinking about that.

You’re not going back there. You can’t. You can’t do that to yourself.

I shake my head to vehemently rid that dangerous thought.

You should kill him with kindness, that’s what my mom used to say when we were younger. When I was in college, she would hold me, let me wail on her and soak her top with my tears. She would rock me back and forth, telling me how I should deal with it and that it’ll all be alright. How I could cope with seeing him on campus for the last few weeks he had. She would communicate with me to put on a smile, kill him with kindness, and make him regret what he lost. I tried very firmly to do that, but it didn’t work. I barely made my classes but passed with flying colors. My parents understood why I didn’t want to go but told me I had to eventually show up to classes. I did, but I evaded his usual routes at all costs, taking the long way to everything and never setting foot in that cafe ever again. I couldn’t. It held bad memories for me and curdled my mood.

I grip my overnight bag on the back seat that I prepared last night in case I would staying over. I yank it into my hold with aggravation. I kick the car door open and wrathfully wipe my tears away. I square up my shoulders and hold my head as I high I can, slamming the door shut with my hip. I lock it and stomp my way up the dark yet dimly lit walkway to his house.

The porch light has moths fluttering around it. I sift out the keys that he gave me from the small pocket in my bag and place the key in the door. I push it open with a little force because the door is stubborn and let myself in like I always do.

“Carter? Is that you?” Ted calls from the kitchen. I can hear the sizzling of food on the pan followed by the smell of garlic and onions wafting through the air.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I follow his voice into the kitchen, placing my bag down on top of the counter while I try to guess what he’s making for himself. He’s shirtless like always when he cooks. He hates the smell latching onto his clothing. I’m surprised he’s wearing pants too. “What are you making? It smells good.” I smile at him and dodge the counter to get to him.

He has the pan in one hand and a wooden spatula in the other. He leans to the side and kisses my lips. I’m praying he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or points out that my eyes are red.

“Chicken, pasta, and cream. I don’t remember what it’s called though.” He shrugs with a smile. I laugh at him, trying to cover myself and watch him continue cooking his dinner. “How was the meal? Did I miss anything?” he asks, licking the sauce off his hand as he fetched the pasta on the stove and drains the water out of it.

“Oh! Yeah, amazing news! Haley and TJ got engaged when they were in the Bahamas. It was so unexpected and absolutely amazing. I never knew how romantic TJ could be, but he was—”

“Amazing?” he teases me and I blush at how annoying I just got. When I’m happy for my friends, I start to ramble. So it’s obvious that something like this has me thrilled. “I’m happy for them,” he says, focusing on the food he’s preparing. He’s smiling as he places the pasta into the bubbling sauce the chicken strips are in. “I got great news as well. My boss wants me to present to the board of directors tomorrow. So, I’ve got to do my presentation twice tomorrow. I have it down to the finest detail, I’ve nailed my practice runs alone, but I want to practice it with you tonight and see if you get what I’m saying and if you pick up on anything else that I missed. You should ask me questions and whatnot,” he beams, and I nod reluctantly back at him.

This wasn’t how I wanted tonight to go. This was supposed to be a quick visit so I could rest in his bed for the night and think about what had just happened tonight. I saw my ex-boyfriend again. My very gorgeous and very sexy ex-boyfriend. As much as I hate to admit it, he looks so good, even the women in the restaurant highlighted how handsome he was tonight.

I knock some sense into myself and remove the mental image that is now locked inside my mind. What he wore, what he smelt like, and his deep creamy voice that I adore. I can’t even lie to myself about it. He hasn’t changed all that much, he still looks like the same old guy that I fell for. It started to fade slowly but surely because I haven’t seen him for a while, but I never forgot about him. I avoided any interactions with him because it was hard at first. I didn’t want to be around someone who painfully broke my heart into pieces. It was a raw moment between us then, and after seeing him recently, I feel it all over again when I shouldn’t.

My heart still craves him. But he hurt me, my brain replies sharply back. He walked away from something special between us. He chose to do it too. I found it hard to let it drop. And I’m finding it impossible with him now too.

It’s like being reintroduced to something you’re addicted to, something you know that you will crave time and time again for the next while.

“Sure.” I smile feebly back to Ted. I throw my hair into a bun and gaze around the heated room to check if I can help him. Then I feel a hand on my hair to find the elastic and pull it back out. I spin on my heel to see him ogling down at me with the hair tie in his hand and amusement dancing in his eyes.

“You know I like it when your hair is down.” He grins, and I try and reach for the tie wrapped around his fingers. “I’m keeping it, too, so you don’t tie it back up.” He chuckles and reaches up so I can’t get hold of it. I swat his chest playfully as I push myself up to my toes to match the height his arm extends to, but I’m no match for him. “Try all you want, you’re not getting it.” He leans his head against mine while his free arm wraps around my waist, pulling me closer. I stumble a little into him, taking hold of his shoulders to steady myself. He bows his head down to capture my lips, and I kiss him back with a little more pressure.

It’s not Nicolas Aiden Jackson, NFL bad boy extraordinaire.

I blink my eyes open in a panic at the unwelcome thought. It shouldn’t feel like that at all.

I’m happy with Ted. I don’t need Nick.

I don’t need him.

So, I pull away after he gives me another quick peck.

“You look very pretty too.” He roams his eyes across my dress. “But green is more your color.” He’s always liked green on me, but I don’t like it. It doesn’t suit me at all. It depends on the shade of green, I suppose, but it makes me look more . . . round. He likes the dark-forest green. I think yellow fits me more. I don’t know why I like it so much, but it’s my color.

“Thank you.” I blush back. I gape down at his food. He stands behind me and pours the pasta into the bubbling sauce with his arms around me. He kisses my neck as he flicks his wrist with the pan to mix the pasta and sauce together before setting down the empty pot to reach for the wooden spoon once again.

“So, what are you doing next weekend? I was thinking we could go out for dinner on Saturday and then watch a movie at the outdoor theater on Sunday?” His tepid breath washes over the skin on my neck causing me to slightly shiver. I could feel his nose caress the nape of my neck as he asks, making my hairs stand up.

“Saturday for sure, but I don’t think I can do Sunday. Football starts around that time and it’s the Chargers first game. I was going to go with Haley and Danielle if you wanted to join us?” I ask him. He pulls slightly away and fetches a dish to put his food on. After putting the pasta on a dish, he places the pan into the sink. It sizzles as it sinks into the water.

“Um, I think I’ll pass. I don’t like watching football. I have better things to do with my time than watch that crap. I don’t know why you watch it or bother with it. It’s a waste of time watching guys chase each other for a ball covered with pigskin.” He’s very opinionated when it comes to football. I allow him to have that opinion, we’re open in our relationship. “You could spend time with me, especially with all of the work that’s piling up now.” He spoons some food into his mouth and nods at the taste. He likes it. But I can see the hazy clouds forming in his eyes as he waits in anticipation for me to tell him I’ll cancel on the game and watch a movie with him instead. But this is what I like to do. I like watching football, I’ve grown up with it and it will always be a part of me.

“I would like to see my brother’s first game. I haven’t been to a game in a while and I’d like to see one again. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but I would like you there,” I offer but he’s having none of it. He refuses to watch it on TV and he most certainly won’t come to a live game.

“I’ll meet up with you later. I’ll do some work while waiting. It’s just a shame my own girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me.” He sighs, ignoring my look as I watch him walk away into the living room. I drop my head back and sigh in frustration, mentally swearing at the ceiling as if it would help.

“I do want to see you, so don’t play that card on me. I offered you to come with us, but you don’t want to. And I like going to games; I like watching my brothers play. I’ve grown up with it and I feel like I’m home when I do watch them.” I follow after him into the living room where I can see that basketball is on the TV. He’s not a hugely sporty person, but he likes to watch basketball more than any of the other sports. He’s just not religious about it.

“This is a real sport, not football. No offence to your brothers or dad, but football is full of dumb jocks who grow up to be assholes—”

“We’re not fighting over this, Ted. I’m going to go with them, you’re welcome to come and that’s it. Come or don’t, but don’t say that football players are dumb assholes. You’re including my brothers and father in that statement and I don’t like it. I don’t say that about your family and I expect the same courtesy with mine.” I try to once again nip the problem we seem to have by the bud. I say it every time he brings up his disdain for the sport. He insults my family and me when he says things like his, but he never has the courage to say it to them.

He sighs and sits forward, putting the dish he made down on the wooden table in front of him. He gives me his full attention and leans on his knees, looking up at me with a guilty look in his eyes.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He takes my hand and pulls me down to sit next to him with a small bounce. When I do, he kisses the back of my hand and leans back onto the sofa. I lean down so I can lay my head on his beating chest. He strokes my hair. I could fall asleep right now, I’ve had such a tiring day today.

“I know you’ve had a bad past with football players, and I understand—”

“No, you don’t, Carter. Stop saying you do,” he snaps back, making my head snap up and see him with a frown etched on his handsome face.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Ted—”

“Can we just drop it? We’re not going there. Let’s just watch TV, you can go to the game if that’s what you want, but I won’t be going with you. I’m never going to a game and I’m not wavering on that,” he vows. I nod, understanding that it’s his choice just as much as going to the game is mine. I just wish he would go with me at least once. Seeing my brother play is what I love most. Now that TJ and Nick have joined the team, it’ll be very different.

I have no idea what it’ll be like watching him play again. To see him in a Chargers uniform finally after years of hard work and passion, he’s finally made it. I’m happy for him, but I’m a little bitter to realize that maybe he did make the right choice by dumping me? Maybe he’s one of the best because of it.

Maybe I really was deadweight?

A thought like that brings me down a little. It stung hard because I’m starting to believe it’s true. He never dated after we broke up, Haley made sure to tell me every single time he was brought up in conversation.

Apparently, he was in an unhealthy state after our breakup. I was glad at first, but I felt heartbroken for him as well. I was invited to their graduation but skipped it. I was invited to Ellie’s party and I only attended because he does not want to come back his home. Lynn has been so distraught over his refusal to return home for the holidays and special occasions. Haley and TJ always came home but Nick stayed where he was. He never spoke a word to his father since that day and I felt responsible for that.

I got a lot of cold and snide remarks from him after we ended things, telling me I was only in it for the money and fame because I wanted what my brothers had. I got a lot of names labelled on me, too, but Lynn always apologized for his attitude. When I finally had enough of it, I never went to their home. I felt unwelcomed there.

It was best for everyone.

Sometimes they visit LA and I would see Lynn. I’ve kept in touch with her throughout the years. She sometimes calls me to see how I’m doing, what I’ve been up to, and how everyone in my family is. They have been to Taylor’s birthdays, so she and my parents talk sometimes and know each other quite well despite what happened.

As we sit in silence and watch the sports channel, it tunes into a catch up on the latest sports news. When I see Nick’s face displayed on the screen, I set myself up and try to listen to what they’re saying about him. His signature stare takes up the majority of the TV while he stands with his chest puffed out and his arms behind his back in his new uniform. A serious expression on his face, the one he models all the time, except for tonight.

“News has just recently broken on the trades that newcomer quarterback, Nick Jackson, has now taken over from Austin Steel as the head quarterback this coming season,” the voiceover reports. “He’s the third highest paid player in the industry for a one hundred and nine-million-dollar contract for four years. We have seen that he has arrived in LA this week and is looking to begin training with the team for their upcoming game.

“He has played with a few of the guys already in the squad, so I think he’ll fit in quite well. They need the win to kick start off their journey to the Super Bowl this year to retain the title that the Steel brothers pulled out of the bag with a phenomenal play to beat their father in the finals. In other news, Austin Steel has been traded for a one hundred and twenty-one-million-dollar contract to the New York Giants, making him the highest paid player in the industry to date—” Ted flicks the TV off, and I silently groan.

I wanted to see what they had to say about my brother being replaced by Nick. My brother has true talent; the both of them do. They’ve always been amazing with a football; my dad had a lot to help with that. They’ve been throwing a football around ever since they could hold one. It’s been in the family and I know it will stay in the family.

I wanted to watch the updates, but Ted had other plans for me.

Never mind. I’ll watch it tomorrow at home.

“How about I run through my presentation with you really quickly and you can give me feedback now?” He stands up on his feet and finishes off his food. When Ted says “really quickly,” it’s never really quickly. It takes a lot longer than it should because he’s a perfectionist.

“Sure.” I smile and sit vertically, but I couldn’t think of anything worse right now. “Did you not want to watch the rest of the game?” I ask as he leaves the living room.

“Nah, I didn’t want to watch the updates, so I switched it off,” he calls from the other room. I purse my lips, knowing he didn’t want to watch the football updates and I knew he turned it off because of it. He doesn’t even allow me to watch football in his company and dislikes it when my family are over because it’s always on a nearby screen.

“Okay,” I mumble as he gets his briefcase holding his laptop and notes for the presentation. He links his laptop up to the TV via HDMI so he can practice with me.

I’m in for a long and tedious night ahead of me.

***

After a few practice rounds—three to be precise—I felt exhausted from hearing him say his speech over and over again. I was just sitting on the sofa, listening to his material, and yet I’m still weary. I didn’t do much, but I could sense my eyes drooping towards the conclusion of the very last presentation.

“I mean, if I was boring you that much, why didn’t you say so?” Ted was offended that I wasn’t fully awake towards the end. I had an early start, so I could get out on time for the dinner tonight.

“You weren’t, you were amazing. I’m sorry, I’m just so worn out from tonight. I could barely keep my eyes open, not because you were boring me.” I follow him into his bathroom and watch him brush his teeth. I wrap my arms around his bare torso from behind and rest my chin on his bicep. “I didn’t mean to upset you. You’ll kill it tomorrow like you always do! I know you will!” I compliment him, kissing the back of his shoulder blade.

He cleans his teeth as foam forms around his mouth and he bobs his head. I can see he’s apprehensive about the presentation tomorrow and I know he’s on the edge about it. I undoubtedly didn’t help by not staying awake tonight. I know I’ve offended him and he’s now thinking that the presentation will send people to sleep.

“How about you run through it one more time with me?” I offer him. He spits and widens his eyes.

“Really?” he asks. I nod back, smiling at him. “You don’t have to,” he says hesitantly. I know he’s concerned I might fall asleep again. I don’t want to knock his confidence, I’ll just sleep on my lunch tomorrow.

“I want to.” I gaze at him through the mirror and watch him reach for the towel to wipe his mouth.

He kisses my lips and mutters, “You’re the best. I’ll go and get the laptop so we can do it in the bedroom!” He smiles ecstatically and rushes out the door.

I rotate around to take a glimpse at myself in the mirror. I can see the dark and sunken circles forming under my concealer that’s not doing a very good job of hiding them. I dab my ring finger against the right circle like it’ll help it disappear. I start rinsing off my makeup with cold water to wake myself up. I dab the tiny droplets racing down my face and do the rest of my night time routine. I grab my things from the overnight bag that I brought with me in case I was to stay the night with him.

“I’m ready to go, Carter!” he proclaims, and I sigh, shrinking my shoulders down towards the cold tiles.

“Coming!” I call back and take one last look at my frightful appearance. I shuffle my feet out into his room and slide into the double bed I sometimes sleep on. He’s ready to go, and I sit up tentatively, trying to allow the cold air on my skin so I don’t fall asleep.

I sit, and I listen, one last time.