Steeling Her: A Romance Novel

Carter

“I know, I know. I know I’m late, I’m sorry. Can you guys just distract her until I get there. We can pretend I was in the bathroom or something?” I beg my brother and Danielle to keep it tight-lipped that I’m so late.

I knew I would be too. Mr. Harold wouldn’t leave. He kept talking when I was trying to get out of the office on time. As much as I adore the man when he comes in, I hate it when books his appointments far too late in the day. It’s exhausting to try and get him to leave. I can chat to him when he’s got an early morning appointment, but when it’s late, it’s a struggle.

“Well, that’s going to be hard because she’s just gone to the bathroom. TJ hasn’t even arrived yet, though, so you’re good. Plus, she’s in a good mood today, so I think you’re safe,” Danielle says to me down the line as I speed up to get to the restaurant. I hear the grumble of my engine as I roll down the street. As long as I get the next few green lights and manage to avoid knocking someone down, I should make it in the next few minutes.

“Alright, I should be there in . . . ten minutes?” I swiftly calculate, wondering to myself more than anyone.

“Okay, cool, text me when you’ve arrived,” she sings down the line. I end the call to focus on not dying tonight in this crusty old car I’m driving. Sometimes, it’s easy to give in to my dad and brothers generosity, but then my determination squashes that thought as quickly as it comes. I can do all of this on my own. I may not be rich, but at least I have shelter, food, and water.

Swerving briskly into the car park I almost drove past, I hit a few bumps and pot holes in the road, making the car bounce. I almost run into a man jogging too. I send him a sheepish smile and wave as an apology. I find the nearest space to the doors of the restaurant. Luckily, I already changed into a nice lemon dress that stops mid-thigh and doesn’t reveal much, covering me up quite nicely. Haley asked us to dress up and look formal, so I obliged.

I rush through the main doors, fixing myself as I greet the hostess. “Good evening, do you have a reservation?” she asks me at entrance.

“Um, it’s either Haley Jackson or TJ Anderson? I’m not sure.” I smile at her, a little embarrassed about not knowing who reserved the table for the party tonight.

“I know who you’re looking for. Follow me.” She grins a little too harshly at me and nods into the restaurant. That’s a fake smile. I’ve noticed that a lot of people have become very good at that as they get older. I thought it was genuine when I was younger, turns out I was more naïve than I believed.

As I rush to keep up with her in my heels, I finally see Haley, Danielle, and my brother sitting at the table they booked for the night. I can see two seats are free but get completely sidetracked when Haley cloaks her arms around me to greet me. I hug her back. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. She and TJ went on a vacation and arrived back only three days ago. They traveled to the Bahamas for ten days and flew back because training camp is about to kick off.

“You look stunning!” she compliments me on my outfit. She’s sporting a purple skirt and an orange spaghetti-strap top with orange heels to match her outfit. She looks like a million dollars right now with her beautifully tanned legs.

“So do you! Oh my God, you look so tanned. You have to tell us all about your vacation!” I gush, letting her sit down and hug both my brother and Danielle hello as well.

As I sit in my seat, she responds, “I have to wait for TJ to get here first, then we’ll tell you guys all about it.” She winks at me. I’m dying to know what the Bahamas are like because I’ve never been before. I’ve always dreamed to see the crystal clear blue waters and the white sand on the beaches. It looks beautiful but a girl can only dream. “He should be here soon. He texted me that was two minutes away when you arrived at the door.” She scans her phone once more to check if there are any more messages from him. “He’s been training all afternoon, so he’s a little late,” she tells us.

“Getting a head start?” Chris teases her as he sips on his water.

“Yeah.” She giggles at him. I haven’t seen or heard of the new players. I’ve been so busy these days. I’m swamped with work and Ted. I haven’t had much time to follow ESPN. Ted hates any kind of sport, but he hates football the most because he was that kid that got picked on in high school by the football team. He was the creative kid, that’s why he did marketing. He has an eye for the business. Now he has a great job. He could definitely pass as a football player with his physique though. He hits the gym early in the morning every other day to maintain his health. If he doesn’t go to the gym, he runs along the beach.

“Is Ted coming?” Chris asks me, and I shake my head. He furrows his brows as a response. “Then who’s the seat for? You have a side piece we don’t know about, Cooks?” he jokes but covertly wonders who the spare seat is for, as do I. We both look at Haley for an explanation, but her eyes are looking behind us.

She’s waving to somebody moving towards her with a beaming smile taking over her face. I know TJ has arrived. I hear a gasp from Danielle as her eyes widen in shock.

I snap my head around to see the one guy who broke my heart in half five years ago. My body seizes, and all the fluid has effectively drained from me. I’m completely numb and cold at the sight of him, leaving nothing in its wake for me to lean on.

He’s walking behind TJ and talking to the hostess as she directs them to our table. When he laughs with TJ, I nearly shiver. His eyes are directed towards the floor until he flicks them up. He quickly halts his steps, and my breathing ceases completely. My mouth runs dry because it’s wide open in shock. His lips part and he takes a sharp breath. TJ continues to walk but eventually stops when he notices Nick has stopped following behind him.

Nick Jackson?

He flicks his head to the table, spotting me as he smiles, and I mentally curse at the spare seat that’s situated next to me.

I can’t take my eyes off him. He slowly, coolly saunters towards the table again. He doesn’t break eye contact with me until he reaches the empty seat next to mine. He pulls it out for himself. I swivel my stare away from him and face Haley once again, but my eyes are on the table itself, afraid to look at anyone.

He still smells the same and he still looks the same, just older and more gorgeous than ever. The pictures in the magazines don’t do him any justice. He’s still blonde, and he still manages to take my breath away.

He sits down in silence and says hi to my brother and Danielle.

I always knew that we’d see each other again one day, I’m still best friends with his sister after all, but I wasn’t l prepared for it to be this early. I don’t think I could ever be prepared, if I’m honest.

“Hi,” he whispers in a delicate voice. I know he’s talking to me. So, I bravely lift my head to meet his eyes. They’re searching in mine as we stare at one another in total disbelief.

Five years later and he still makes me weak.

This cannot be happening right now. I feel like I’m dreaming. I’m at a loss for words, so I revert to smiling feebly at him. It’s taking everything in me to not walk away from the table, to not jump on him and ask those questions I so badly wanted answers to, and to not kiss the living crap out of him. My emotions are so conflicted right now. I stop and reprimand myself, I’m with someone else. I shouldn’t be having those thoughts. I can’t be having those thoughts.

“When did you come into town?” Chris asks with a sour tone laced on his tongue. Danielle obviously said something to him to not cause a scene, the elbow to the ribs was a dead giveaway. My brothers will stick by me until the day I die. I know he’s on my side, and he knows how much Nick hurt me; hence the tone.

“Uh, yesterday morning. I’m staying with them for a while until I find my own home out here.” Just hearing his voice makes me gasp for air. I missed his voice so much and I didn’t even realize by how much. The soft, deep gruff of his sexy voice has me panting.

“Four year contract?” Chris tries to converse with him, trying to kill the awkwardness at the table, but I can feel the mood become shoddier and shoddier.

“Yeah, so happy. I wasn’t expecting that offer but I’m happy.” I can hear the exhilaration in his voice. I know he’s wanted to play for the Chargers since college, and I know he has worked hard for it . . . even with a few sacrifices.

“It’s a sick contract, you worked hard, man. You deserve it. I finally get to play with you again!” TJ interjects, matching Nick’s tone. Just from thinking of his name once more, I could feel my heart start to break inside my chest all over again. Everything is reminding me of the day he ended it with me. I was so embarrassed and wouldn’t leave my room for days and weeks at a time.

“Okay, enough about football!” Haley waves off the boys and their nonsense. She begins to babble on about her vacation, about the typical picturesque beaches, the Atlantis hotel that they stayed at on Paradise Island, the water park inside, the aquarium they walked through, and the excursions to the other island where they fed the pigs and iguanas.

All the while, I’m trying to calm my beating heart down. I can hear it beating in my ears and I can feel my veins pulsate in my wrists. The fractured heart that it once was still has its wound, but now it’s breaking all over again.

I’m finding it hard to focus on what Haley is saying and describing with her brother and my ex-boyfriend for a whole two minutes, who is sitting right next to me. Her very brother that crushed my heart in the palm of his hand by breaking up with me to make his career happen, disappointing me.

I suppose it was the right choice. He’s now the most talked about player right now; he’s trending on all the social medias. He’s got what he wanted. He has a mountain of endorsement deals at his beck and call. It’s hard to escape him when his face is painted everywhere in this city and beyond. But I didn’t know he was the new quarterback for the Chargers. There was a lot of talk about Jason Sterling for the past few months but work has clouded me, so I haven’t been watching much this week and missed all the trades.

“You look beautiful,” Nick whispers, and I can feel my legs quiver. My hand’s fist up, I can sense the sting of my nails digging into the skin on my palms, almost bleeding and telling my body to react against him, but it has a mind of its own. I’m thankful I’m sitting down because if I was standing, I would be on the floor. Due to the unexpected compliment, I flick my eyes back to meet his and send him a shaky smile in return. This is harder than I thought it would be.

“Thanks,” I reply finally. I watched him gulp down before we both turn back to the couple telling us why we’re all here today.

As much as I would like to deny that the connection isn’t there anymore—that the spark is no longer there, that the flame has been blown out—it hasn’t. None of that is the truth. I’d be lying if I told you and myself otherwise.

And that what makes this situation hard.

“So, TJ and I went to the Bahamas, as you all know, and we went swimming with the sharks, pigs, stingrays, did the tours of the Cays around the main island and went scuba diving. But . . .” She looks at him beaming at her. She shuffles closer to his seat as we wait for her to finish the sentence. He reaches around her, smiling down at his partner in crime who is under his wing. They have been inseparable since the first started dating. “But the best part of the whole trip, I went as Haley Jackson.” She grins at us as we stare at her, confused by her cryptic words. “But came home as the future Mrs. Haley Anderson!” She lifts her left hand to see a huge, and I mean huge, rock on her ring finger glistening back at us.

Danielle screams in excitement while I shriek with happiness as my eyes widened to a comical size. We both jump out of our seats while the guys laugh at us. This is such a special moment for them and I’m so happy they get to share this with us.

I grip her shoulder, and Danielle gives a three-way hug as we jump up and down together, laughing and giggling like college girls again. It really has been so long.

“Let me see that fucking rock right now!” Danielle pulls back to admire the ring that TJ had bought for her in secret. I’m in such shock, both of my hands on my cheeks, as I watch it glisten in the light shining above us.

“Oh my God, it’s so beautiful Haley!” I let out a cry in admiration as I watch her hand move from side to side, letting the light fall on the beautifully cut diamond in different angles. It suits her to a tee. “I’m so happy for you! For you both! My God, I can’t believe he asked you to marry him!” I gush as I hold her in my arms once again, congratulating her once more. I realize that I haven’t said anything to TJ, so I pull away from her in a rush and race over to the man who had the courage to ask my best friend to be his wife.

I squeeze in between my brother and Nick to get to him, opening my arms and hunching over a little as I step into their little group and invade their guy time.

“Hi! Congratulations!” I envelop my arms around his large frame. “I’m so happy for you both, this is so wonderful!” I squeeze him before I pull myself back to let Danielle in.

“Thanks, guys. I’m so excited, like, I kind of want to just book a church tomorrow and marry her then. I don’t want to wait, but I know she already has started the planning.” He rolls his eyes as he looks over at Haley and her brother hugging it out. I watch Nick embrace her and touch his lips in her hair, remembering a time when he did the same thing to me.

Stop. Just stop right there, Carter.

“She probably has the vision for it alright.” Danielle giggles over TJ’s shoulder as she holds him and tells him how proud of him she is for having the courage to get down on one knee, taking a jab at my brother and his lack of initiative.

I have no doubt in my mind that Haley has everything planned out ever since he got down on that knee and popped the question.

“Have you got pictures?” Danielle begs him and he nods. Taking my eyes back away from the siblings, I see TJ fishing out his phone. My own brother wraps his arm around me and pulls me to his chest.

“You okay?” he whispers to me and I nod back. I just need to get over the initial shock of seeing him again. It still hasn’t hit me that he’s here right now.

Five years. He appears after five years. I know he has a contract with the Chargers for four years. So, I have to endure him for four years. Four years of seeing him nonstop and seeing him go back to his old ways. I know he hasn’t stopped sleeping with people for the past few years. I’m not stupid. Hell, I’ve slept with my own boyfriend, and that’s it. I can’t flirt to save my life, I’m awkward as hell around guys, and I look like a toad half of the time. I’m surprised I even have Ted.

I need a drink. A strong drink.

I signal the waiter and order a double vodka and cranberry, the most basic of all basic bitch’s drinks; the absolute white girl, basic bitch. I don’t care, I need it right now. I need it to calm my nerves down, my body down, my mind down, and my soul down.

As we all revisit our seats, I pull out my seat to sit back down on the cushioned chair. I place my two hands on my lap and fix the end of my dress, smoothing it so it looks perfect. I hate that I still want to look good. I feel good in this dress and I want people to know that. However, I can’t help but feel I don’t look good enough, and that’s what bothers me the most. My insecurities creep back in every so often when I remember our time together. It’s hard to push out those thoughts when I’m having flashback to my very first kiss with him.

I was wearing yellow that time too.

It pains me to think of those times where they were harbored for years. I just want this ship to sail again, to try to get away from him, but his is catching up and I can’t escape him. He’s closing in on me.

I always knew that I couldn’t get away. He has a place in my heart, even if I don’t want him to. He is always a part of me and my life, and I know that he always will be because of Haley and our past. I just love her like a sister, the same with Danielle. I knew my friendships with them would be tougher than anything.

But right now, my old memories are testing that. The smell of his cologne has me inhaling silently to keep it in my mind, but I’m too ashamed to admit that.

My drink comes along, and everyone observes me like I have five heads. I ignore their stares and take a long gulp of it, hissing at the burn trickling down my throat.

My brother taps my leg and mouths “Ease up” to me. He knows why I’m drinking right now. He understands it. So, I place the glass back down, scrunching my face when the waiter comes around to take our orders. As he comes around one by one, I sit in silence and listen to everyone trying to keep the awkwardness at bay.

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks it’s awkward? Maybe it’s all in my head?

Even then, I sit and listen to the story of how TJ proposed in his words; half listen, actually. It’s hard to focus on anything right now with my ex-boyfriend sitting next to me. The first and only guy I ever fell for. It’s hitting me hard due to the surprise of seeing him once again.

He looks the same, except he looks more rugged. He has a light stubble dotted across his jawline—a sharp one at that. His muscles are a lot bigger and his shoulders are a lot broader. His tan is darker, but his facial features are exactly the same as before. He still looks like he was carved from marble by Michelangelo himself. His eyes are still that hunter-green hue. Those perfect pools that I was lost in for a moment had me thinking about us when we dated.

Listening to TJ jabber on about the proposal and looking back at Haley every now and then, I can see that they both love one another. It’s evident in their eyes. It has me a little jealous. It always has for a while now. Just the way he looks at her, the way he cares for her, I can feel the green-eyed monster pinch inside my chest. Nothing has changed between them and it won’t. They’re together forever

Even with my brother and Danielle, Chris has never cared for any girl the way he’s cared for Danielle. As soon as he found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, he was in dad-mode. There was no changing his mind, he just had to get Danielle on board. It suits him, and he couldn’t be happier to have a toddler calling him dad daily. He enjoys it.

I know that TJ will be the exact same.

I just need someone to want that with me.

***

Nick

“You definitely didn’t hit eighty squats with it, TJ. You’re talking so much game right now. You’re forgetting that I know you and grew up with you, idiot. You’re all talk and zero action,” I tease him as we drive to the restaurant my sister had booked for tonight. I have no idea what is going on, they’ve been so secretive since I arrived, hiding things and speaking in hushed tones.

I’ve caught them whispering to one another a few times, as if I’m not in the house. I have been scolded many times by Haley for eavesdropping though.

Do you think that scares me?

Not a single bit.

There’re only a handful of women in my life that scare the crap out of me, my mom being one.

“I’m telling you! I swear I did it at that weight. Eighty squats in full,” he swears but I know he’s bullshitting. I grew up with this guy. I know him like the back of my hand.

“Tsk. Whatever. I don’t believe you anyway. Now, can you tell me where the hell we’re going and why the hell we’re going? What’s the big deal? You didn’t get my sister knocked up, did you?” I joke with him. I know my parents would prefer if they got married first, but they’d be happy nonetheless about a new addition to the family. They’re old school and would like a traditional wedding first.

“Nahh.” He shakes his head from side to side, assuring me I won’t be an uncle anytime soon. “Not yet.” He chuckles, and I punch his chest, telling him to shut it. “Ow, man! I’m driving!” He points out the front window of the car, indicating that the car is moving. He has always been an awful driver, so that tiny tap that he squealed at definitely affected him. It’s like driving with a monkey blindfolded.

“Yeah, well, you need to pop the question first. You know what my mom is like.” I turn my eyes heavenward. That’s all I’ve heard about from her. Marriage, marriage, marriage. The relationship that I once had with my parent’s years ago is dead. I’m close with my mom, but it’s still strained because I refuse to go back home. It harbors bad memories for me, and I want to keep away from it—from him.

I haven’t spoken to my dad once since I left the house that day. Not a single word. When my mom would force me to talk to him, I would hang up, or when she would get me to come down home for Thanksgiving, birthdays, or Christmas, I never went. I still hold him responsible for this mess. Him and my old coach.

Yes, I’ve become one of the best quarterbacks the NFL has right now, but this was at the price of my happiness. I haven’t found that person again, that feeling I had with her. I miss it. I’m a different person because of this, a person that I don’t like. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the current me. In fact, I hate him. I hate the choice I made. I hate that it’s affected me, even after all these years, and I hate the way my life has unfolded without her. I hold a lot of resentment towards him and the pressure he put me under.

I sometimes regret the result, but then I think about how I actually made it on my own as a professional. It sounds egotistical, and I beat myself up about it. I worked hard because I knew I had the ambition and talent, I was born to do this.

I stress over it and know that she’s already in a relationship. But I can’t help but think, what we could have been like. Would we still be together if I chose her?

That thought plays on my mind.

The what if.

It was a losing battle no matter which way I looked at it.

And then there’s Ted.

What is he like with her? Is he kind to her the way I would have been, the way I was? Does he treat her like the queen she is? Does he take her out on cute dates and make her laugh? Do they share a house together or do they stay over at one another’s places to get the comfort from each other? Is she happy with him? Does he care for her? Has he ever made her cry? How did they meet?

These are all questions I torment myself with every day, ones that I want to ask my sister, but I keep them to myself. I don’t need her getting suspicious. I don’t want her knowing that I’m still in love with her best friend. Although, she has generated the topic of her a few times. I know she hasn’t neglected about what had happened, but she tells me she has the feeling that Ted doesn’t like her. So, she’s standoffish with him. I know she’s on my team.

Team Nick.

Not fucking Ted.

“We all know what your mom is like. I’m pretty sure she has the names of our kids picked out already.” TJ chuckles as he twists the wheel of the car into a car park of an unknown but fancy restaurant. Fresh paint coating the concrete directs us to a free space down the back.

“Dude, are you serious? You actually want kids with her?” I wonder why the fuck he’s already thought about it. He’s still young; they both are. They have all the time in the world to be considering that. They’re not even hitched, and yet they have their family prearranged.

When he shrugs, I just stare, astounded by him and wondering where the hell is his mind at? “Sure, I’d love kids with her. I love her. I can’t wait for the future.” He smiles in the distance, no doubt enacting the image of their future kids running around in their house, wherever they decide to live. This job requires a lot of moving around cities. So, you can never get too comfortable. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like she’s my home. Wherever she is, I feel like I belong right there. It’s weird . . . but she’s the one, Nick.” The left side of his lip lifts up as he thinks about my sister. This guy is at subterranean level with her and I know there’s no chance in contending him about it. “I just know it,” he assures me, and I believe him.

Their relationship has always triggered an awful shade of jealousy from me. I have always been incredibly covetous of it. Sometimes, I refused to meet up with them for fear of blurting it out. I felt envious at the sight of them, so I pulled away and backed off. I didn’t want to be bitter about their relationship, I wanted to be happy for the both of them.

It took some time for me to come around to their relationship, but I got there in the end. It doesn’t mean it’s still not testing to see, because I was once that happy. I once had a girl that I was enamoured with, and I lost her.

I let her walk away when I shouldn’t have. I should have fought for her—for us. But the decision was bigger than me, and I didn’t know what to do. Now I realize, it was the wrong one. I could have had both, and it haunts me to this very day.

I made a mistake.

“Come on, let’s go before she rips our heads off.” I chuckle, pushing myself out of the car after that thought.

“I don’t think she’ll be upset today.” He pats my shoulder as soon as we round the car.

“Why? What’s going on?” I ask as we walk towards the doors to the restaurant Haley had booked for us. They obviously have something to say, and I’m astonished that my sister has kept it quiet for long enough. She’s been acting skittish lately and it’s all coming together for today, but what is it?

“You’ll see.” He winks. I shake my head as I open the door, telling him that his answers, or lack of, won’t cut it.

“Tell me, TJ.” I block him off from the entrance.

“Nope.” He bulldozes into me pushing me back. I forget how strong he is sometimes because I haven’t seen him in a while. The cool air conditioning tickles the hairs on my skin as I walk backward. “Anderson party.” TJ nods at the hostess, who gladly takes us to our table.

“Dude, you’re the worst!” I whine, making him laugh once again.

“You’re such a child, Nick.” He makes all three of us laugh.

“Do you have friends as shitty as he’s being now?” I ask the young brunette strutting in front of us, and she giggles into the menu she’ll set down for us in a moment.

“Maybe it’s a surprise?” she offers, shrugging her shoulders and trying not to take a side, but I can see she already has.

“You’re meant to be on my side!” I joke with her and we all continue to laugh. I laugh at the floor, trying to think about what it could be, but I flick my eyes up when I suddenly smell her. I know it’s her, and my eyes validate it when I see her staring back at me. Those bright blue eyes that I haven’t seen in person for five whole years are gazing back at me once again. I halt my steps and fall into a hypnotic state, mesmerized by her once again. There’s no air in my lungs to help me breathe. Nothing. I feel like I’m going to collapse at any moment.

Five fucking years later, and I still know that coconut-mango smell from her shampoo mixed with her own aroma. I knew it was her as soon as I got a whiff. That scent—her scent. It’s something that I will never forget.

Her hair is longer than before. It tumbles down in soft curls around her face and down past her shoulders.

Good God, she looks like a goddess in yellow right now.

It takes me back to the time when we had our first kiss together on the roof of the sorority house of a party that most definitely shouldn’t have happened, but it brought us together and we had a very memorable moment. It looked like the heavens opened up for me to reveal the one girl that I could only ever love.

This must mean something, right?

My heart is in my mouth as we stare at each other. It’s hitting me so hard right now, right in the middle of my heart. The memory of her wasn’t good enough to satisfy me, and here she is, sitting right in front of me.

I knew I’d see her eventually, and I was hoping it would be under different circumstances—circumstances that involve her being single. I wanted to try again with no interruptions. Seeing her now has nudged me to think carefully about it. I don’t know if she has forgiven me, or if she ever will.

I pace slowly over to the table where she’s sitting. She twists her body around and towards my sister, avoiding the longing eye contact with her that I have missed. Everything about her, I’ve missed. Mainly when we used to lie in bed together. I’ve missed holding her and playing with her hair and hand as we talked about everything and nothing. I’ve missed watching scary movies with her because she clutched onto me for dear life. That need for me is what I loved. The fact that she couldn’t sleep alone in her own room afterwards satisfied me because I knew she’d be next to me, that I had the opportunity to be there for her, and I took it.

As I approach the table, I sit down in the vacant seat next to her. “Hi,” I barely whisper, and I wonder if she heard me. When her head rotates around to face me again, she stretches a small smile across her lips. I forgot where I was and quickly learned that I just ignored everyone too. My breathing is short and rapid. This is what she does to me after all these years.

It’s not different from when we dated. My palms are sweaty, and I can feel my body temperature rising promptly. My brain buzzing and fogging up with no words coming to mind.

Shit.

She turns back around to stop eye contact with me. She really does still hate me for what I did to her. Can I really blame her?

“When did you come into town?” The cold hard tone of her older brother breaks the ice of my staring competition with her side profile. As I blink back to the guy who could bury me six feet under with the look he’s giving me right now, I suddenly feel like I’m back in college and I’m about to get clocked by him. He’s loyal to his sister, and I’ve got to respect that. I hurt her and I’m paying for it now, even five years later.

“Uh, yesterday morning. I’m staying with them for a while”—I point to my sister and TJ—“until I find my own home out here.” My manager organized for me to see a real estate agent out here. I’m meeting with them the day after tomorrow to discuss some potential properties.

I watch Carter’s hands grip on the edge of her dress when I start to speak in the corner of my eye. She’s mad.

“Four year contract?” It was more of a statement than a question because he knows I’ll be taking his brother’s position on the same team as him. We’ll be teammates, all three of us.

I’m proud of my achievements, but I can feel the tension coming from Chris as he hardens his face once I make eye contact. leaning back comfortably in his seat with confidence and a “don’t fuck with me” attitude etched into his features. I try to brush it off by pretending that I don’t notice it. Instead, I plaster on a smile and assure myself that I deserve to be on the team just as much as everyone else.

“Yeah, so happy. I wasn’t expecting that offer but I’m happy.” And that was not a lie. I am ecstatic about the trade. A four year contract with the Chargers is outrageous, but I’ve worked so hard to be here. I will win titles for them, play the best I can, and play my own game. I will strive to be the best in the country. I have the potential and the tools to be.

“It’s a sick contract, you worked hard, man. You deserve it. I finally get to play with you again!” TJ interjects the awkward conversation with a compliment, brightening it up. Everyone smiles at him and I communicate a silent thank you for sticking by me, one that he notices.

“Okay, enough about football!” My sister waves off the conversation, removing it from the table. If I didn’t know any better, I would think she’s about to start talking about her vacation with TJ in the Bahamas.

I swiped through all of the photos as soon as I walked in the door yesterday. As we all listen tentatively to my sister describe the crystal clear waters, the gleaming white yacht they rented out for the day, the views of the ocean during their dinners, and the countless excursions they went on, including feeding the pigs and iguanas, something I’ve only dreamed of doing. As she rattles on about the shark tank in the aquarium, I focus on the fidgeting fingers of the woman sitting next to me. She’s really grown up to be a beautiful woman and I can’t help but admire her still, even if I can only see her in my peripheral vision.

My heart is thrashing against my chest, rattling around inside for some liberty. I can hear my veins pulsating in my ears. My fingers are itching to touch her, and she’s only inches away from me. Just one touch can get me hooked again.

She’s like a drug, and I’m having withdrawal symptoms.

Then I let it slip. “You look beautiful,” I tell her in a hushed tone while I face my sister as I watch her being animated across the table. I’m not listening to a word she says. I switch my eyes around to meet her stare once she presents it to me. I block everything out and focus only on her, this beautiful woman who has grown up. I can’t believe it’s her.

With a shaky smile, she murmurs her reply coyly, “Thanks.” Hearing her voice, my stomach clenches with excitement. I swallow her words as I watch her eyes search mine. That look that I’ve missed dearly is as beautiful as before. I know she still feels the connection between us. She has to. It’s still alive between us.

I’m still in love with her and have never had the drive to move on from her.

I couldn’t.

The sound of my sister’s voice pulls me back to the present. I listen to find out why the hell we’re all here. “So, TJ and I went to the Bahamas”—Really, I think to myself. I didn’t notice—“as you all know, and we went swimming with the sharks, pigs, stingrays, did the tours of the Cays around the main island, and went scuba diving. But . . .” She pauses and flicks her attention from us to my best friend, who is grinning down at her like a whipped son of a bitch. She shuffles her seat to move closer to her boyfriend and silently communicates something. “But the best part of the whole trip, I went as Haley Jackson,” she beams at us. We all gawp at her, perplexed as hell.

Um, you came back as Haley Jackson, too, moron.

“But came home as the future Mrs. Haley Anderson!” My mouth drops open she shows her hand.

He proposed to her? Haley’s hand shoots up like lightning from underneath the table to show the girls the ring he had bought her. Holy fuck, my sister is getting married before I am.

Shit. Shit . . .

I don’t even know what to say, I’m gobsmacked. I’m so happy for the both of them, but there’s a part of me that’s upset about the whole thing.

Stop being selfish, suck it up, I reprimand myself. It’s not about you. This has been a long time coming.

I hear a screech from what I thought was a cat. Turns out, it was Danielle, which jerks me out of my thoughts. Shielding my ears from the shock, both girls jump out of their seats and rush over to my sister as they embrace each other eagerly. I and the two other men laugh at them as they bounce with joy in each other’s arms.

As I raise up to my feet, I take my best friend’s hand and shake it as I stare at him in total shock. I shake my head in disbelief as a budding smile takes form on my face. This is unbelievable.

The very first wedding of the family.

“I don’t know what to say, man.” I tug him in to give him a tight hug—an official “welcome to my crazy family” hug.

“Is it congratulations or condolences? It depends on what way you look at it,” he jokes, and I roar out a laugh with him.

“Jesus, TJ, you proposed to her? Are you crazy!” I chuckle over his shoulder as we draw back away from each other, both wearing beaming smiles on our faces. “Fuck! You’re getting married!” I place my hands on my hips and stare at my best friend who I have known for forever in total and absolute shock.

“Yup! I am! And I can’t fucking wait!” He slides his hands down his face with that cheesy looking grin on his lips. The shock has not worn off because all we do is stare at one another, opening and closing our mouths, and ticking our heads from side to side shaking it in disbelief.

“Congrats, man,” Chris interrupts and hugs TJ too. TJ thanks him as the three of us laugh at the fact that he’s the first one to get tied down with a ball and chain. “You’re a lucky man, TJ. She’s a keeper. You did yourself proud with her,” Chris compliments my sister and his relationship with her. She is a keeper, she’s a Jackson and she always will be. She might have the Anderson name, but she will always be a Jackson at heart.

“Thanks, Chris!” TJ slaps his shoulder as the manly way to thank him.

“Hi! Congratulations!” Carter decides to join us after she realizes that it isn’t just my sister who is getting married.

My sister is marrying my best friend.

Holy fucking shit.

This is actually happening right now.

“I’m so happy for you both, this is incredible,” she mumbles into his chest as she squeezes him one last time. TJ takes her hug with open arms and grins down at her as everyone comes together for this unreal milestone in their life.

I see that my sister is free from Danielle’s hold and grab her before someone else does. I’ve got to congratulate the bride to be. Damn, she’s so grown-up now. She smiles knowingly at me while I open my arms for her to come to me. I give her a nice sibling hug. I kiss the top of her head as congratulations.

“Thanks, guys. I’m so excited, like, I kind of want to just book a church tomorrow and marry her. I don’t want to wait, but I know she already has started planning.” TJ rolls his eyes, playfully talking down to the brown-haired beauty who is still holding onto his arms and his jaw locks open. Every single one of us is in utter shock right now.

“I’m so proud of you, Haley. You have become this incredibly strong woman. I’m so happy for you. This beautiful, grown-up, and tough woman who has put up with his shit for too long. God, kid, stop growing up so fucking fast!” We laugh at the final part. I’m not good at these things. I have no idea what to say. “Are you sure you want to do this? It’s not too late to back out, you know?” I get a slap for that one but she knows I’m only pulling her leg for the fun of it. “I can’t believe this. You beat me down the aisle,” I lament the last part quietly as we hold each other tight like we used to do when we would fight and make up when we were kids. She squeezes me harder than ever and I know she heard me, even if I mumbled it.

“There’s still time.” She insists for only my ears. I’m not able to ask her what she means by that as everyone has been reseated again. So, we decide to halt the special moment and join the party, listening to the energetic chatter around us and talking about what has conspired in the last few minutes. I’ll ask her later when there are no other ears. I don’t want to draw attention to it.

As I sit back in the seat next to Carter, I breathe a sigh of relief for some reason. She toys with her dress once more, showing me that she’s nervous to be around me, which I get. I was just as shocked as she was when I walked in. I didn’t expect to see her today. I knew I would eventually, but I thought it was just going to be the three of us.

When the waiter returns to the table, I assumed we were going to place our orders, but instead he sets down a very large drink right in front of Carter.

Saying her name, even if it’s in my head, is strange. Seeing her drinking right now is abnormal. She was never really into drinking back in college, so I wonder if she drinks a lot now. Did she acquire a taste for it now? Or is she having problems? Relationship problems?

Which brings me back to my line of questioning.

Is she happy with him?

Does he make her happy? Laugh? Smile?

Does he appreciate her beauty and shyness?

Does he appreciate the little things she probably does for him? Or is he the oblivious jerk that I hope he is so I can hate him even more?

As we let the happy couple tell us their proposal story, I can feel the knot of regret tighten in my stomach as I watch them gaze lovingly into one another as they recount their love story. You can see it in their eyes, they truly love each other, and I couldn’t be happier for my sister because I know, deep down, he will care for her and take care of her needs. That’s all I could hope for as her brother.

They’re still the exact same couple as when we were in college, nothing has changed other than a few fights here and there, but they always came out on top when outside influences wish they wouldn’t. Some people can be brutal like that. But they handled it like pros and walked out hand in hand with their heads held high.

They’ve been through thick and thin together and it’s only made them stronger. Many years of watching them has secured that thought in my mind. I know they’ll be durable.

Seeing them like this has me glad that they found each other—that they fell for each other.

Because they have shown that love is simply one soul inhabiting two bodies. The definition of finding your other half whose heart beats in sync with yours. That’s what’s it’s all about.

Love.

Searching for it, finding it, keeping it, and relishing it.

It’s times like these where I would give anything to go back in time and change the past.

Anything.