Saving Harper

"Oh." Yun lang yung reaction ni Julian. It looked like he didn't really know. Which was weird because if he talked to my mom to find me it should have come up during the conversation. But maybe he just asked where I was. I was frowning. But I found myself already nodding slowly, agreeing to what Xavier said.

Just when I thought I was in the clear with this whole pretending thing, nandito nanaman ako. Right where I started. I was burying myself deeper and deeper instead of trying to get over all my confusing feelings towards Xavier and to also try to get my shit together so I can go back to just working peacefully.

"Well I guess madami ka pang ginagawa? But I want to ask you out to dinner. Tonight maybe? I can pick you up here if you want." Julian asked.

I quickly glanced at Xavier.

"Comeon, it's just dinner. Pagbigyan mo nako kasi ngayon nalang ulit ako umuwi." Julian said almost pleadingly. Napasimangot sa kanya si Xavier as if nagtataka kung bakit biglang nagmamakaawa sakin si Julian.

"Umm. Xavier and I have plans tonight." I said that very slowly like I wasn't even sure. Because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to eat with any of them tonight. I want to just sleep off all these complications.

It was easier to say that Xavier and I have plans because I can just tell Xavier na what I just really want to do is go home and sleep.

"Your boyfriend can join us. If that's cool?" He looked at Xavier. I shook my head at Xavier trying to tell him na wag but he wasn't looking at me.

"Yeah why not." Xavier shrugged.

Okay from not wanting to dine with any of them, I end up having to do it with both.

"Kayo nalang kaya kumaing dalawa?" I exhaustingly said to Xavier as soon as Julian was out of my door.

I placed the flowers he gave me sa coffee table. We just agreed to meet Julian at some restaurant in BGC after work since may mga gagawin din sya.

"Di ko sya type." Xavier said flatly as I walked back sa desk ko. Iniiwasan ko yung couch kasi pag dun ako umupo makakatulog talaga ako.

"I guess we just need to get this over with." I said. I was feeling really really sleepy and 2pm pa lang. I don't think I'll survive this dinner.

Xavier took the paper bag that Julian gave me that I placed on my desk and peeked inside. "Huh. I was right." Napasimangot ako sa sinasabi nya. "You were right about what?"

He took out the box of perfume. It was Daisy by Marc Jacobs. It's what I'm using since college pa lang. And Julian remembered that.

"I knew it. Eto yung amoy mo." Apparently alam din ni Xavier. "How exactly did you know that? Do you go around smelling women's necks?" Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay.

Natawa sya. "That's a good idea."

"Well don't let me stop you." I said nonchalantly.

I tried my hardest to not picture Xavier smelling some girl's neck. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF, HARPER. And wala kang pakielam if he does it. I stopped my imagination from running wildly.

"Joke lang bakit naman ako aamoy ng mga leeg ng babae mabugbog pa ko. Napadaan ako dati sa perfume area ng SM Makati and some promo guy handed me yung mga tester na naka spray sa papel? Then I remembered the smell nung naamoy ko sayo." I was about to ask when. Pero alam ko na. We were so close over the weekend. Literally close because I basically threw myself at him. At his lap, specifically. "Kala ko nga ginagago nya lang ako kasi pabango yun ng babae. He told me it's the perfect gift for my girlfriend kasi mabango nga." He continued.

"And was it a good gift?" I asked waiting keenly for his answer. Huminga akong malalim. I never got a straight answer if he really has a girlfriend. He's not stupid para di nya maisip na yun yung point nung pag tatanong ko tungkol sa totoong muse nya at dito sa pabango. Parang umiiwas lang sya.

"Ang bango mo diba?" He shrugged.

Again, it wasn't a direct answer. It was dodging.

I took a deep breath and Xavier took my hand as soon as we were out of his car to walk towards the restaurant where we're meeting Julian. Showtime.

Julian was already there when we arrived and Xavier took a seat beside me at pareho kaming naka tapat kay Julian.

"So how are you Harper?" Julian asked me as soon as we finished ordering.

"Great. I'm still happy with work kahit busy. Generally, I'm just..." I glanced at Xavier beside me and smiled. "Happy." He beamed at me just like the perfect fake boyfriend that he is sa mga ganitong pag papanggap. "Well that's good to know. When did we last see each other ulit?" Julian asked.

"Christmas in Boston. Five or six years ago?" I tried to recall. We were in Boston for Christmas with his family and hanggang New Year kami don. And yun yung unang beses na hindi nakatakas sa family vacation na matanda nako. Because well, it was Christmas. Normally I just say na busy ako and di ako makakasama sa bakasyon nila.

"You weren't dating then?" He asked the both of us.

"No. Xavier and I got together... when nga ulit, love?" I turned to Xavier. When nga ba yung dapat kong sabihin? Should I say weeks ago lang?

Natuwa naman si Xavier dun sa 'love'. "Almost a year babe. Anniversary natin next week diba and we're going to Singapore." He smiled. Anong Singapore? Xavier caught the cluelessness in my face na hindi ko matago. I really suck at this. "It was supposed to be a surprise baby, but I needed to tell you baka kasi mag schedule ka ng meeting."

"Hmmm. She used to hate surprises. I remembered the birthday surprise I threw for you during college." Julian said.

I did hate surprises or maybe just the general idea na hindi ako prepared for anything. Though in my defense, I mostly just hate yung nagugulat ako about my parents' plans na hindi muna tinatanong sakin kung okay lang bang gawin at wala nakong choice bigla. Like that trip to Boston. Yung sa birthday ko naman, well because Holly was there and nagpapansin lang sya sa mga kaibigan ko that's why I hated it.

"Talaga? She seems to enjoy all my surprises." Xavier answered back smugly.

"Yes babe, I just love all your surprises." I chuckled being discreetly sarcastic. Xavier instantly knew that I was talking about all those bombs he's been dropping at me na kinakagulat ko like all the time. He smiled amusedly.

"Pero ako, favorite ko yung surprise mo sakin nung Sabado." Xavier winked at me. I laughed nervously. "But I guess TMI yon. And nasa bahay tayo nun ng magulang mo." Then he looked at Julian challengingly. Parang gusto nyang isampal kay Julian na girlfriend nya ko and we're always doing couple-y stuff (specifically pag lalandi) kahit nasaan man kami at kung sino man yung nandon.

Our food arrived, much to my relief, and we started to dig in.

"So Xavier, what do you do?" Julian turned to him.

"I'm an Art Director." Xavier directly answered.

"Baby, you're always selling yourself short. He's also a licensed Architect, and an artist, and photographer. Not to mention he's taking his master's degree in Architecture at the University of Washington." I added. Tumaas kilay ni Julian. I almost rolled my eyes. Has Boston changed him? Di naman sya usually judgmental kagaya ng pamilya ko. And Xavier was really all those things. And I'm sincerely proud of him for that.

"Wag moko masyadong ipagmayabang baka mainlove ka lalu sakin." Xavier turned and stared at me while giving me a playful smile. My stomach twisted. It was a VERY loaded statement. Na parang alam na nya yung nangyayari that I'm already starting to fall.

I just smiled back. Mahirap umarte pag walang tulog tangina. Or talagang hindi lang ako marunong umarte.

"You're based in Seattle?" Julian asked.

"No, I'm taking it online. For now. But eventually I need to go there so I can finish all the requirements that needs to be finished so I can graduate." Xavier answered. What?? He's going away?? Di nako nag react kasi ilalaglag ko lang kaming dalawa ni Xavier by not knowing this about my boyfriend.

"Ikaw, Julian? What do you do?" Xavier asked as if he already forgot yung pagmamayabang ng pamilya ko kay Julian like they'd rather have him as their child instead of me. Na baka nga. But I think Xavier was just telling Julian that we've never talked about him. Na totoo naman din. Well before that lunch.

"I'm a Neurosurgeon in Boston." He said it like it was in itself the epitome of greatness. Haay. What's with these people? Although I'm sure impressive na doctor silang lahat. What's not impressive is the fact na walang ibang magaling para sa kanila.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Xavier asked smiling na parang alam na nya yung sagot. Muntik na kong matawa sa ginagawa nya. Knowing Julian, he's annoyed and magaling lang syang itago yon. He won't give that satisfaction to Xavier. "No. I was hoping to get one here, but I guess tough luck." I swallowed hard when Julian looked at me directly. Gumaganti.

"Well goodluck dyan, pare." Xavier dangled his arm sa sandalan ng silya ako and stroked my shoulder sweetly.

This was way too much testosterone emanating from these two. It was a psychological warfare, and nagpapalamangan sila.

But in a way I'm really glad at what Xavier is doing right now. It saved me from being pursued by Julian if yun man yung plano nya.

Natatakot lang akong sumakay masyado kasi baka maging katulad nanaman to ng nangyari nung Sabado. Baka anong masabi ko or magawa ko na totoong nararamdaman ko but I'd rather keep it to myself.

Buti naman we started talking about something else. Julian started reminiscing sa mga nangyari dati nung bata pa kami especially those times na kaming dalawa lang yung mag kasama like dates and yung mga ginagawa nya for me. He also didn't fail to mention na niligawan nya ko before and that he really liked me. And that we would still be together kung naging kami man noon. It was the same thought I had before nung hindi ko sya sinagot. But not anymore, not with what he now turned into.

If hila-hila nya ko sa Boston, I would definitely have different life. A life that most probably I won't have any control of. Baka hindi din ako sumaya non dahil parang hindi ako nakawala sa bahay. That someone else was running my life for me. All throughout sa pagrereminisce ni Jullian I just kept changing the topic to another one or kwinento ko kay Xavier yung buong storya or some parts of it that doesn't involve Julian.

"By the way, Holly mentioned na she'll just text you to say I'm coming over kanina sa office nyo so I hope you weren't too surprised." Julian casually said.

"She never texted me." I answered. Disinterested. I think I already lost her number. I can't remember the last time we texted or called each other. It was never necessary to keep her number.

"No, not you. Si Xavier." Julian turned to him. Nagulat ako pero I tried not to show it. Was it true?

"I must have missed it." Xavier just shrugged. Tangina so she did text him?? Mag katext sila?? Since when?! I clenched my fist under the table.

"Wait, I need to go to the restroom." Julian stood up and nung pag talikod nya humarap ako kay Xavier.

"Holly texts you?" My tone was accusatory. I wasn't able to help it. I eyed him wanting to know the truth.

How can he not tell me this? I was really floored. Wala man akong karapatan, but I was instantly seething with anger at my sister. Tama si Jem, she doesn't fucking give up.

"A couple of times nung Sunday. Hindi ko alam kung paano nya nakuha yung number ko and I swear hindi ko binigay." Xavier definitely saw something in my eyes. Yung galit ko? "I NEVER replied to any of her messages. Actually, I blocked her yesterday. I can't really say that in front of Julian when he mentioned it kasi ang weird naman kung sasabihin kong hindi ko natanggap yung text kasi blinock ko yung kapatid ng girlfriend ko."

"You can actually say that." I said coldly.

Nakita naming pabalik na si Julian so I fixed my face. Weird that Julian also knew about that. But I'm not going to give him and Holly the satisfaction na ipakitang nag aaway kami ni Xavier over it.

Xavier pulled me towards him. "Di ka dapat nagseselos." He whispered and kissed the side of my head.

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Too late. I already want to kill my sister.

Pero tama sya. Hindi dapat ako nagseselos. Because I wasn't the girlfriend. Gusto ko lang patayin si Holly sa mga pinag gagagawa nya.

Wait. Julian reacted kanina like he didn't know na may boyfriend ako nung sinabi ni Xavier na boyfriend ko sya. Then now he's saying Holly texted Xavier? Was he lying? Did he really know na may boyfriend ako and somehow he just lied about it? Or Holly said na wala akong boyfriend and nilalandi nya si Xavier? Something was really off.

For the remainder of the dinner, distracted nako trying to figure out what Holly really told Julian.

When dinner was finally over, bumalik na yung antok ko. I can't wait to lie in my bed. Saka ko nalang iisipin yung bruha kong kapatid. Stressing over her was not worth it kasi kayang kaya ko syang barahin sa mga pinag gagagawa nya. "It was so nice to see you again Harper. Bumisita ka naman sa Boston, miss ka na ni mommy." Julian hugged me tight, again, at the expense of Xavier. He looked unbothered by Julian na parang bored na sya. Kahit parang nagpapaligsahan sila ng konti kanina.

I've already forgotten how guys can be very antagonistic pag mga ganitong situations. Hindi naman based from my experience, sa mga kwento lang ng iba kong kaibigan. I've never had to handle two guys like this.

I never want to ever again.

"Nice to meet you, Xavier." ;They shook hands as if walang nangyari dun sa loob. Guys are really weird.

"I'm so glad that was over." I said expressing my relief nung kami nalang ni Xavier. We walked towards the parking lot.

"Nag enjoy nga ako dun e." He chuckled. Oh yeah. He had a much better humor than me, so I don't doubt kung totoo man na nag enjoy sya.

Nung nasa harap na kami ng kotse ni Xavier, he stopped and pulled my hand so nakaharap ako sa kanya. "Harper, just to be clear, hindi ko gusto si Holly. I didn't give her my number at hindi ko alam kung saan nya nakuha yon. I also never replied to her. And I really blocked her already." He studied my face to see if naniniwala ako sa mga sinasabi nya.

"Yeah I should have known na ganito parin sya." I answered with a sigh. Nakakapagod na din si Holly. She's turning this into a game na ayoko sanang patulan pero napupuno na talaga ako sa ugali nya.

I saw Julian walking towards his car and I nodded my head towards him napalingon din si Xavier sa kanya. Dito din pala sya nakapark.

"Are we okay?" Xavier turned to me and he looked concerned.

"Yeah why wouldn't we be?" I answered him. Di ko na tinuloy kasi I was about to say na diba we're just pretending. I don't think I needed to remind him that. Alam nya yon. Ako lang yung naguguluhan sa nararamdaman ko most of the time. "So how much do you hate surprises?" Nag taka ako sa tanong nya.

"Umm, ok lang naman sya I guess?" I answered unsure kung saan kami dadalhin nung tanong nya. Wait baka naman totoo yung sa Singapore?

Well what he did next completely and utterly surprised me. Na kahit yung kaluluwa ko nagulat.

He smiled at me, bit his lower lip and held my face with one hand before leaning down to kiss me on my lips. I closed my eyes like what he was doing. I could feel his cold, wet lips against mine I think my lips were shaking sa nangyayari. I can't believe this is even happening! Gusto kong matunaw.

And then after 5 seconds it was over.

I was stunned and I couldn't move. I think my heart also stopped.

He smiled at me and his tongue pushed the side of his cheek, but he turned as soon as Julian's car passed by and he waved at him with a grin. I'm still so flustered from what happened and I didn't even bother to wave at Julian.

Okay, I think he did it for the show. Everything is a show pag dating saamin diba? Great. Sana si Julian nalang hinalikan nya.

Sabi nga nila, 5 seconds, walang malisya. I felt stupid.

He clicked the alarm of his car and I entered. I think I looked upset and I was too weak from sleep deprivation to hide it.

"Galit ka ba?" He asked but it wasn't a question dahil kita nya sa mukha ko.

Because of my pride I just answered, "No. Why would I be mad?"

"Harper, if you're mad about the kiss, I'm sorry."

Di pa nya pinaandar yung sasakyan. I wished he didn't want to talk about this now. Kasi I really haven't sorted out my feelings sa nangyari. Bakit ba ko nagagalit? Because he only did it since he knew that Julian would see it? The kiss was timed so perfectly.

Was I upset dahil he didn't mean it?

Yes. But I couldn't tell him that.

"Actually, naisip ko lang how could Julian know that Holly texted you." I just pulled the last thing that troubled me para lang di ko mapakita kay Xavier how bothered I was with the kiss.

"Oo nga no? Di ko napansin kasi nag alala ako baka galit ka talaga sakin. Close ba sila?"

"Not that close para sabihin pa sa kanya ni Holly out of nowhere na she texted you about a specific thing." Holly, what are you up to?

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"Sobrang gwapo ko ba para pag agawan nyo pa kong mag kapatid?" He joked and finally umalis na kami sa parking.

"You wish." I rolled my eyes kahit di nya nakikita. I'm not going to give him anything good tonight kasi I'm still upset about the kiss.

He laughed smugly.

"Hmmmm." Then he nodded slowly and smiled like he had a secret.

"What's with the smile?" I frowned at him. I felt it's not going to be good.

"Wala. Kasi sinabihan mo kong gwapo ako e."

I cringed. "Asa."

"Paano mo matatandaan e lasing ka non?" I froze at his words. His smile was full of pagmamayabang. Puta it might be one of the stupid things I did/said nung Sabadong wasak ako. Hindi malayong nasabi ko nga yon sa kanya. After all, ginawa ko na nga syang silya non. I was being super clingy.

"Pag hindi ko naalala, hindi nangyari. For all I know you're just making stuff up." I smirked.

"Harper, pag nakilala mo pa ko, malalaman mong I don't bother with lies." He grunted.

This one was true. Nasa character naman nyang hindi magsinungaling. Or as he said, he wouldn't bother to lie. Wala nga syang pakielam kung anong sasabihin sa kanya ng mga tao e.

"So, I'm really a bitch?" I mocked him.

"Correction, I THOUGHT you were a bitch."

"If bitch ako, would you tell me?"

"Just so you know magkaiba yung may tinatago ka or hindi sinasabi sa pagsisinungaling. So kung hindi ko sasabihin sayo, I'm not exactly lying." Oh, he's clever.

And since he said it out loud, I felt guilty that I just lied to him that I wasn't upset about the kiss. Fake kiss.

"Hindi ba saying that I'm really your girlfriend counts as lying? So hindi na malinis yung record mo." I eyed him. I wanted to know kung paano nya lulusutan to.

"I did it for you. And I'll keep doing it for you until ayaw mo na." He said it without any hesitations.

He's giving me the way out. The opportunity to tell him na itigil na namin to. I licked my lips. Ano Harper?

"Thank you for doing this, Xavier. But I think..." Then I faltered. "Hindi ko lahat sinabi yon or ginawa yon kasi hindi ko naaalala." Hirit ko. I just let my chance pass. Shet. Bakit hindi ko kaya?

He smiled and shook his head. Di ko lang alam kung dahil sa pagmamatigas ko or dahil sa hindi ko ginawang tapusin to.

"Pwede bang sunduin nalang kita bukas sa condo mo kesa balikan natin yung kotse mo sa office?" He asked me after a few minutes of silence between the two of us. I used it to figure out why I didn't just stop this. And wala akong ibang maisagot kung hindi sa gusto ko to.

I guess I didn't want the easy way out. I want the harder one. Kung saan paniguradong masasaktan ako.

"Yeah, I don't think I can drive anyway. Sobrang antok nako." Agreeing with him. Buti nalang malapit na din kami sa condo ko. I'm glad for this exhaustion. At least hindi ko na maiisip na hinalikan nya ko kanina. And that I chose not to end this, even if he did give me a chance to.

As soon as we arrived sa tapat ng condo building ko, I prepared to exit his car when we stopped sa driveway. "Harper." He said seriously so I looked at him. I think I did it too hopefully. Na parang may gusto akong marinig sa kanya. Tangina Harper! Sige paasahin mo pa yung sarili mo!

"For the record, hinalikan lang naman kita kanina kasi gumanti lang ako dun sa halik na ninakaw mo sakin nung Sabado."

My eyes grew wide. I looked mortified and napatili ako ng konti sa narinig ko. He laughed aloud sa reaction ko.

So it was true! Jem even said it. God help!!! Bakit ba hindi pa ko namamatay?? Ilang araw ko ng hinihingi yon ah???

I glared at him and binuksan ko na yung pinto ng sasakyan nya ng padabog. I'm dying to get out already sa sobrang hiya.

"Harper?" He called out as soon as I stepped out.

"Ano?" I said it in my most annoyed voice.

"Good night. Dream of me." ;Pabiro nyang sabi.

I gave him a sour look. "Leche. Good night." I said flatly and binagsak ko yung pinto ng sasakyan nya. But not before I heard him gave a booming laugh. Hindi nako lumingon sa kanya so I can at least keep my last shred of dignity for this night.