Saving Harper

"Schedule the book signing the week after next, if that's the only thing you prepared. Unless you can tell me now that by some miracle you can pull it off for next week as originally planned." I looked at the people surrounding me, ready to end my last meeting for the day. Feeling ko hindi pa tapos yung hangover ko sa sakit ng ulo ko ngayon.

I spent all day yesterday after the family lunch nursing my hangover and headache na hindi ko naman alam na hahabol parin hanggang ngayon. I don't usually hate Mondays, but today I do.

"Next, next week nalang, maam. So we can continue the preparations." Pia, the head of Marketing answered me.

"Well you were given a month to plan and execute this, I don't get it why your team didn't use that time wisely. Just make sure the author and his agent are informed on the last-minute schedule change. And if their schedule is full, gawan nyo ng paraan." I stood up and grabbed my laptop and walked out of the room. I didn't wait for any answers.

Derederetcho na ko sa area leading to my office. Pag bukas ko, Xavier was there waiting for me. "What's up?" I asked him and nag lakad na ko sa desk ko to sit down.

"I have a little favor. Kasi may presentation ako later for my master's, can I use your room for it? Panel presentation e and ang pangit nung background dun sa pwesto ko."

Natawa ako. "Yeah sure. What time ba? Kailangan ko bang umuwi agad? Kasi I was planning to review the last of the first prints I need to approve." I grabbed it from my pile to remind myself to start with it already. Feeling ko I'm lagging behind with work dahil sa mga nangyari lately.

"Hindi yung kwarto mo sa condo." Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay. I wasn't even implying that. Pero syempre he was only joking. I need to quickly adjust sa mga pagbibiro nya. "Joke lang. Makikita ko din yon. 9pm pa naman yung presentation. Okay lang if you're here. Wag mo lang akong pagtawanan." He smiled widely. It was already 6:50pm.

"Oooh, now that you mentioned it, I want to listen in. You need my desk? I can just read on the couch." I offered.

"Wag ka na sa couch mamaya makatulog ka nanaman tapos kung sino-sino yung tawagin mo." He quipped while laughing.

"Oh. My. God." Napa nganga ako then I hurled a magazine at him in disbelief. I can't believe he would bring that up and alam nya talagang nakatulog ako non. Nung binato ko sya I made sure na makakailag sya. Sakto naman sa pag bato ko, pumasok si Franco. Natawa ng malakas si Xavier sa itsura ko at sa ginawa ko.

Nagtataka si Franco kung anong nangyari and if I was really mad that's why I threw something. I glared at Xavier na natatawang pinulot yung magazine ko and placed it on my coffee table. "Forget about using my room, dun ka kay Franco." Inirapan ko sya.

"Sa presentation mo? Wag don pre, ang daming kalat." Franco turned to Xavier. I wasn't surprised na alam na ni Franco yung presentation nya. "Palagi namang makalat don sa office mo." Sinagot sya ni Xavier. "Saka hindi ako tatanggihan nyan. Binuhat ko yan nung Sabado e." Nang asar nanaman si Xavier and I scowled at him habang lumabas na sya sa office ko. Alam nyang kwento time namin ni Franco and he probably needs to finalize things for his presentation. "So ganon ka ka-lasing nung Sabado?" Franco asked with a smile habang umupo na sya sa couch that was previously occupied by Xavier.

"Yeah. Wait paano mo nalaman?" Nagkaron pa sila ng oras na mag chismisan?

"I saw it on Xavier's IG story."

"Ang chismoso mo din no? Kaya ko gustong makipag kaibigan sa lalake kasi hindi chismoso. But here you are." I responded. I was hoping na mag kusa nalang syang sabihin kung ano yung pinost ni Xavier. Who's the chismosa now? "So ayaw mong malaman what everyone is saying about you two dating." Franco loves to bait me sa mga bagay na gusto ko naman talagang malaman.

"Are they at least interesting?" I was low-key baiting as well.

"Kala ko ba ayaw mong malaman?" He teased.

"Whatever. Then don't tell me." I glowered at him and he just laughed at me. "You are such an asshole, Franco." Inirapan ko sya.

"Pikon ka naman. Well, aside from the fact na lahat ng babae yata dito heartbroken na, so mag ingat ka wag kang mag lakad mag isa sa parking baka may sumaksak sayo, I think they are warming up to the idea na bagay kayo." Wala akong nasabi don. I didn't want to dwell on the idea that people actually think na bagay kami because it will just make me sad. Mas mahirap bitawan ang mga bagay na akala mo totoo pero alam mong hindi, I reminded myself. "Teka, what did Xavier post in his IG story? Nandun ako?" I gave up and just asked him going back sa una nyang hinirit. At sa totoo lang mas interesado ako don.

"Puro ikaw. Nakakasawa nga e." He said trying to annoy me. Wait Xavier posted me on his IG story? And Franco made it sound na madami. Kasama lang yun sa fake boyfriend package that you ordered so wag kang mag feeling, Harper. "Pero yung last post sa story nya, sweet sana kung hindi ka nakatulog at the end."

"Ano nga yung post?" I still can't believe I didn't look at it yesterday. Ay oo nga pala, imbalido ako kagabi sa hangover sa pamilya ko. I should remind myself to check his IG from time to time. But I don't think he'd be posting me again. Tapos na kami mag panggap e.

"Ikaw talking to people at the party, drinking shots, and losing incredibly to a drinking game. But yung last one na sweet sana was you were singing to a song and you were laughing then napasandal ka na sa balikat nya kasi he flipped the camera then nakatulog ka." Nakaka asar yung ngiti ni Franco. Of course I didn't remember those things.

"Yeah it was sister's birthday nung Saturday and I got super wasted." No point in denying it. I just wished I saw the posts. Para makita ko man lang if mukha nakong tanga non. "Did I look stupid?" I asked.

He shook his hand in front of him as if saying na 'konti' and I cringed. "Joke lang Harper. It was nice seeing you like that."

"Ano? Ng lasing?" Napanguso ako. I take it back, buti nalang din pala di ko nakita yung mga post na yon mukha siguro akong lasengga.

"No. You looked happy." Franco smiled.

Alam kong sincere sya. Gusto kong umiyak at sabihin na sa kanya lahat. Na di totoo yon and now I'm feeling miserable sa pinasok ko.

Xavier opened the door and sumilip sya. "Pre, hinahanap ka daw ni sir George."

I was actually glad na tumayo na si Franco to leave kasi sa totoo lang masasabi ko na talaga sa kanya yung kay Xavier right after what he said kung nag tagal pa sya dito. Grabe Harper, that was all it took to make you ready to fall apart. Pull yourself together.

To take my mind off what Franco said, I just decided to do what I needed to do work. After a while, pumasok si Xavier ng may dalang kape para sa aming dalawa.

"Yan, para sure na di ka makakatulog mamaya." He smiled as he placed mine on my desk at umupo din sya sa chair tapat ko.

"I hate you, you know." Inirapan ko sya. He just smiled at me with his eyes full of indulgence na finally mabibiro na nya ko dun sa nangyaring yon. Di nya alam na hiyang-hiya nako over the fact na napanaginipan ko nga yata sya that time and that's why I called out his name. And worst, he fucking heard it.

"Bakit? Kasalanan ko bang gwapo ako kaya mo ko napanaginipan? AT, first day ko palang yon as your assistant. So baka mas lalu na ngayon dahil nakatabi mo na din ako matulog." He was clearly taking so much pleasure sa pang loloko sakin. I can feel heat rise up to my face sa kahihiyan. "Ang saya mo dun no?" Inirapan ko sya for being such a juvenile at nang pipikon.

"Oo naman. Biro mo napanaginipan mo ko, nakatabi na kitang matulog, at nung gabing lasing ka..." He trailed off and laughed. Tanginaaaaaa!!! Ano nanamang ginawa ko??? Lord, I think I'm ready for you.

"What? Sabi mo I didn't do anything stupid." I tried to say in my most uninterested voice kahit na I'm dying to know kung ano yun. Or not. Nakakatakot I swear.

I couldn't decide if mas okay bang sya nalang nakakaalam or baka naman inaasar nya lang ako at wala naman talaga akong ginawa. Yeah, lolokohin ko nalang din yung sarili ko into thinking I was behaved that night. Well, at least concerning Xavier.

"It wasn't stupid for me." He smiled playfully and shrugged. I frowned. I told him to tell me everything! And he can see it on my face na yun yung iniisip ko ngayon as I looked at him accusingly. "Saka na pag ready ka na." He bit his lower lip and drank his coffee. Yun na yon. That was all he wanted to say about it.

"Ang anti-climactic mo din e. If I was your reader, I'd be very disappointed." I made a face at him.

Baka nga tama sya. Di pa talaga ako ready na malaman kung anong ginawa or sinabi ko sa kanya. IF meron man. Ang hilig nya kasi mag joke so he might be joking about this one. Or kung meron man at sasabihin man nya someday, sana pag close na kami as friends or sana hindi kami magkaharap para pwede akong mamatay all by myself.

"Hindi pa kasi ito yung climax. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari." He winked at me. Just like that, he rendered me speechless.

Harper don't just stare at him! Do or say something! Gaga.

"Ready ka na sa presentation mo?" Pag nataranta, just change the flow of the conversation.

"Hayup sa change topic!" He said and shook his head looking quite disappointed na hindi ko pinapatulan yung sinabi nya. Well tangina wala nga akong masabi e.

Una, ayokong maging assumera into thinking na he was pertaining to us dun sa 'madami pang pwedeng mangyari'. Pangalawa, I don't want to think that he was low-key flirting because I'm too clueless sa mga isasagot pag ganyan na alam kong ipapahiya ko lang yung sarili ko (and I might be just assuming talaga). Pangatlo, all of the above.

It's such an irony how I could command a whole meeting, win over authors, and shoot endless sarcastic invectives at my family pero pag dating kay Xavier, nganga ako. Figuratively and literally.

He looked at me with such amusement na kahit wala syang sinasabi, naririnig ko syang tumatawa deep inside.

"Pero sige dahil magaling akong makisama, sasabayan ko yang bago mong topic. Yes, kahapon pa ko ready." He said boastfully. For both his statements.

"Yabang. Sige mag set-up ka na if you want. Ayoko namang sirain yung pagka-ready mo." Hirit ko. Dapat sasabihin kong ang yabang nya kasi di naman sya nalasing nung Sabado kaya sya prepared ngayon pero it will just take us back sa mga nangyari non. Wala na kong pang change topic.

Instead of standing up, he observed me. His left hand was on his mouth na parang nag iisip sya ng itatanong saakin. But Xavier's not usually the asking type unless he needs to. He tells. And mas nakakakaba yon. "Alam mo Harper, kung ako yung reader mo pakiramdam ko bitin. Ang dami mong hindi nilalabas."

See? Completely disorienting to all my thoughts and emotions.

Another work I failed to finish I thought to myself as I picked up the copy of the first print that I swore to accomplish by tomorrow, but instead iuuwi ko pa sa bahay because I wasn't even halfway through it. Nagalit ako kanina sa Marketing for all their delays, tapos ako ganon din ginagawa ko. I wasn't like this. I haven't dealt with any backlogs with work that I caused. My life was taking a turn and nawawala na yata ako.

I tried hard to focus kanina while Xavier was doing his presentation in my office, but I ended up just watching him. Like some girl from a love story na walang mga responsibilidad. But this is not a love story nor some fiction anymore, Harper. This is your reality. And real people deal with shit. It was completely irresponsible and I'm paying for it now. It's going to be a long night and I needed to get ready para sa mahabang puyatan.

***

"Anong nangyari sayo?" Xavier greeted me kinabukasan when he entered my office.

Malamang he was talking about my puffy eyes. I barely slept. Two hours lang to be exact. I probably look like a mess din. Nagmamadali nako mag bihis kanina so I'm just wearing jeans and plain black shirt. I had no makeup and my hair was still slightly wet.

"Puyat." I answered as I took out the copy of the book I reviewed last night and gave it to him. "Tell Mark from Printing that this is okay. I've already signed it and they could start. I'm sorry what time yung meeting ko?" I looked at him and humikab.

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"10. What time ka natulog kagabi?" He frowned at me.

"I don't know, 5am? Ish or 6? I needed to finish reviewing that. It's scheduled for production today." The couch really looked inviting but a nap before my meeting will not be a good idea. Dadaanin ko nalang lahat sa kape. "Nasa condition ka ba mag meeting?" He asked me while still observing me. "Yeah legal lang naman diba?" I asked him.

"No, tomorrow yun. You have a business review meeting."

"What???" Shit. Yeah it was on my phone! I guess hindi ko pinansin kanina nung nagising ako kasi I was still so groggy but I definitely saw it.

Nataranta nako and I quickly grabbed my makeup kit sa bag and dumped it on my desk. Nagsuklay na din ako.

"The agenda is in your email and I'll get you coffee. Gusto mo kasing tapang mo?" Xavier smiled at me.

"Please. Thank you." Tangina. Ano bang nangyayari saakin? Harper focus. I took a deep breath and calmly did my make up while scanning the agenda. Kaya mo to.

I just decided to put my hair up on a ponytail. I switched my sneakers for the black heels that I keep here for something like this. Wala nakong magagawa about the fact that I'll be attending this meeting in jeans. Buti nalang may blazer din ako na naiwan dito.

"Do I look decent for a meeting?" I asked Xavier nung pumasok sya for my coffee.

"Whoever calls you decent should be ashamed. You look great. Palagi ka namang maganda. Kahit bagong gising." Ohmygod. This is exactly what gets me into trouble. Yung lahat ng sinasabi nya and his presence. It shuts down my brain. Na parang feeling ko everything revolves around my illusions over our fake everything.

"Okay I'll take that as a yes. Thanks for the coffee." I ignored the compliment. Kasi kung hindi, titigil nanaman yung mundo ko na parang wala akong kailangang gawin.

Di ko alam kung swerte lang ako, but I was able to accurately give my reports during the meeting-progress on on-going projects, sales numbers, projections, and whatever else George wanted to know. It made me feel better that I haven't lost my touch somehow.

At the rate I'm performing right now dahil sobrang distracted ako, good luck talaga saakin. Harper, eto yung gusto mo. To succeed and exceed your best performance in this company. Don't forget why you're doing this. I reminded myself. Mainly I'm doing this because I wanted to succeed in what I chose to do. Pero at the back of my mind, ayoko din na babalik lang ako sa bahay and my parents will say to me the most dreaded words I could ever hear from them-'I told you so.'.

I've convinced myself over and over for more than a decade na wala akong pakielam if my parents think I made the worst decision of my life by not being a doctor, pero I've realized na iba pa rin kapag may validation ka from them. Na somehow, they are proud of what I've accomplished kahit na hindi mo sila sinunod. But I guess tinatago ko din yon sa sarili ko na may konting pakielam pa rin ako.

"Jem, do you ever get the feeling na gusto mong malaman if proud na ngayon yung parents mo sayo?" I called her right after lunch while working. Alam ko na kung meron makakaintindi saakin ngayon, it would be her. "Yeah. At times I just want to ask them, but pride always gets in the way and I think pareho tayo dun. We'd rather eat trash than ask them that. Why? Are they still grilling you about med school?" She asked.

"No. Nakakapagod na din kasi. I've been working so hard and minsan nalolost nako kung para saan ba to lahat. I wanted not to care about what they think. Pero naiisip ko pa rin minsan." Di ko alam kung dahil sa puyat why I'm suddenly contemplating about this. "Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I can't imagine doing anything else other than this..." I trailed.

"Pero you still wonder?"

"Yeah."

"Feeling ko yan din yung rason ko why I'm doing my master's. If I'm really doing it for myself or them, or both. Para marinig yung 'Wow Jem good job!' Our families really messed us up." I could feel her exhale loudly. "Sobrang sorry if nahawaan pa kita ng ganito ngayon. I know we said na we don't care. You're right, this is how fucked up we really are."

She laughed lightly. "Alam mo naman na hindi natin matatakasan yung mga yon. The situation just sucks so bad."

It was my time to exhale.

"Ohmygod Harper! Di na kita natawagan nung Sunday kasi hangover blues and I know ikaw din lalo, pero ohmygod ka nung Sabado!" I was glad Jem changed our tragic topic pero parang miserable din tong topic na to para sakin. Tangina eto

na.

"What did I do? Please tell me everything. Ang daming hindi sinabi sakin si Xavier but I think kasi he's just saving me from all the humiliation that I'll be feeling if malalaman ko."

"Girl! You just displayed MAJOR PDA with your fake boyfriend."

"Tangina! Elaborate!" I wanted to scream. Pero nasa office pa ko and nasa labas lang si Xavier so I tried to keep my voice down.

"For starters nung lasing ka na, halos naka pulupot na kayo sa isa't-isa. Pati mga waiter alam na boyfriend mo sya so congrats on selling that." No wonder Xavier didn't tell me this! I wanted to die. Baka hindi na ko makaharap sa kanya. "Tapos I'm not sure if you kissed him or imagination ko lang yon kasi lasing na din ako nung nag start na kayong mag tawanan ni Hilda over stupid things, or baka dahil don ako nalasing. At eto yan, sa kanya ka na nakaupo most of the time." Yan hindi ko na napigilan. I shrieked. Tangina Harper! Ang kalat-kalat mo!!!

"Fuck fuck fuck!!" I screamed aloud. "Did I say something stupid???" Lupa, bumukas ka please and take me now.

"I'm not sure kasi nagbubulungan lang kayo so I didn't hear anything pero mukhang oo." She laughed.

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Malamang. Gago I think I was better off not knowing.

"But in fairness kay Xavier, sweet sya kasi inaalagaan ka nya." She said.

Since nandon na din kami sa subject na yon, I told her everything that happened the morning after pati yung nightmare lunch that happened with my family. She kept repeating 'bitch' pag si Holly na yung kinekwento ko at nilabas ko na din yung gigil ko dun sa nangyari.

"She brought up Julian, seriously? Grabe talaga yang ate mo na yan! Alam mo bang she also attempted na hilahin nanaman si Xavier papuntang dancefloor. Again. She doesn't give up I swear. Kaya buti nalang kay Xavier ka na umupo." She laughed at that na parang inaalala nya yung mga nakita nya. I really wanted to die while visualizing my drunk self doing those things.

"Tangina di ko alam kung paano ko sya haharapin ngayon." I groaned.

"So wait, wala ba talagang something between you two?" ;I know what she's pertaining to.

"Wala." I just simply answered.

"Sobrang sayang. At least you had that night na sobrang nag enjoy ka kahit hindi mo naaalala yon."

"Tangina

i ko alam kung bakit ko pa inalam kasi parang wala nakong dignidad ngayon." I said despondently.

"Well, siguro kung ako yung nasa posisyon mo na nakaupo kay Xavier, kebs talaga sa dignidad." She giggled.

"Easy for you to say. You don't work with him every damn day." I exhaled.

"Kaya mo yan! Kalimutan mo nalang ulit!" She laughed. As if pwede ngang mangyari yon. "Teka speaking of work, late nako for my next class. Sa weekend na tayo mag chikahan nila Liv." She hurriedly said. "Walang alcohol please." I muttered.

"Definitely. Baka upuan mo kami. Bye!" She joked. I cringed kasi naimagine ko nanaman.

So far, this tops all those moments na nalasing ako buong buhay ko. This is the most humiliating. To think na isang gabing lasing ako nung college sumayaw ako sa taas ng lamesa ng bar.

Xavier knocked on my door and entered. "Good mood ka ba?" He asked me unsurely. He could probably hear me na nagmumura from outside my door habang kausap si Jem.

"Yeah?" I can't really tell him na I'm dying right now.

"Good mood pero ang daming mura sa kausap? Game tayo sa Friday sa ArtFair?" He asked with a smile.

Crap oo nga pala. He seemed excited about it so paano ako tatanggi. Saka sa totoo lang, I wanted to attend. We're beginning to be friends right? Yeah friend ko sya na inuupuan ko and probably hinalikan din. Well, never again. "Yeah sige, may tickets ba yon?" I reached for my bag para mag bayad sa kanya if kailangan pang i-book and it gave me an excuse not to look at him.

"Yes meron pero dun nalang tayo bumili. Libre ko na since first time mo dun." He grinned.

"Wow thanks." I suddenly didn't know how to act in front of him. I was still imagining kung paano ako umupo sa kanya and that I might have also kissed him! Nasusuka ako.

"Okay ka lang?" He quizzically looked at me and studied my expression. No, Xavier, I want to die.

Before I could think of another answer, someone knocked on my office door. Xavier opened it. At kung hindi pa masyadong emotionally and mentally stressful para sakin nitong araw na to, someone familiar entered my room. It was Julian carrying a bouquet of flowers. WTF. What is he doing here?

It was now Xavier's turn na maconfuse kung sino tong pumasok nalang bigla na may bulaklak and was smiling widely at me.

This is just so fucked up. Is the universe out to get me???

"Hi Harper! I'm sorry am I interrupting something?" Julian momentarily looked at Xavier who just impassively looked at him. I bit my lower lip and tumayo to greet Julian.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" I asked and I crossed the room. He hugged me tight and kissed my cheek when I faced him. I couldn't help but look at Xavier during the hug. Nakataas yung isang kilay nya while witnessing all this. "Your mom said you're at work so pumunta ako dito. I wanted to see you." He replied after the hug na nag tagal. He handed me the flowers and the paper bag na ngayon ko lang napansin which I took. I guess pasalubong? "Thanks. Ummm, Xavier this is Dr. Julian Custodio, Julian, this is Xavier Arnaiz my..." I was about to say colleague when I introduced them.

"Her boyfriend." Xavier firmly continued for me as he offered his hand to Julian for a handshake. Oh crap. Here we go again.