Saving Harper

My eyes slowly opened, and my head exploded with pain instantaneously. I looked at the photo frame on the bedside table as my eyes adjusted, and I frowned. My high school barkada? It wasn't the one I have on my side table. Shit. I'm still at my parents' house! I can't believe I got drunk at the party last night and hindi ako nakauwi. I groaned.

The throbbing pain in my head increased. Nagulat ako when I felt movement sa kama ko and I quickly turned to the other side. My eyes widened when I found Xavier sleeping beside me.

Napaurong ako palayo sa gulat. Hindi ko alam kung lasing pa rin ako, but I miscalculated my move. I grabbed on to my comforter even if I know it won't help as I felt myself falling backwards. I landed on my back with a large thud kahit may carpet ako to break my fall.

Buti nalang tulog pa si Xavier at hindi nya yon nakita. I quickly looked at what I was wearing a large shirt and just my underwear! Puta! Dahan-dahan akong umupo at sumilip kay Xavier. He was still sleeping, pero dahil nahila ko na yung kalahati ng comforter ko, I can now see that he was only wearing his boxer shorts, without a shirt.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I panicked. Gusto kong mag tago pero saan??? I decided to lie down again on my floor and closed my eyes hoping that I was just dreaming.

I tried recalling what happened last night.

After the slow dance with Xavier, we went back sa table namin nila Jem and nag inuman ulit. Then I remembered kuya Terrence suggesting we play a drinking game like how we used to do nung college pa kami. The three bottles of Jack Daniels were quickly diminished then pinalitan na ng Bacardi 151, the bane of my existence pag sa inuman. The last time I drank that, I ended up waking up with a painful bukol on my head na hindi ko maalala saan at paano ko nakuha, and my shoes were found in the driveway. Liv had to recount for me kung anong pinag gagagawa ko at kung paano ako nakauwi.

The last thing I remembered from last night was losing three consecutive times at the drinking game. Then wala na. I couldn't even remember climbing up the stairs of this house, entering my room (much more with Xavier), and even dressing myself. Tangina did he dress me up?!

I can't believe I can't even do a walk of shame right now dahil nandito ako sa bahay namin. More like I wanted to run away just thinking about what else I could have done last night na hindi ko maalala.

I groaned to myself and I covered my face with my hands and rubbed it in frustration. Feeling ko mas lalung sumasakit yung ulo ko ngayon dahil sa sarili ko.

I opened my eyes defeatedly and I found Xavier at the edge kung saan ako unang naka pwesto, nakadapa and nakasilip saakin with a cute lopsided smile. "Hi." He greeted me. Di ko alam kung may kahihiyan pakong natitira. Why does he look so good kahit bagong gising?

"Hi." I said nervously.

"Bakit ka nandyan?" He asked examining me at buti nalang talaga di nya nakitang nahulog ako. "Sleep walking." I answered kahit alam nya na yatang nahulog ako. But he didn't know it was because I was so startled to find him sleeping beside me. He laughed gently and offered his hand to help me up.

I took it and pulled my comforter as I moved back on the bed para di nya makitang naka panty lang ako kahit naman alam na nya yon. Nakakahiya parin.

"Anong nangyari kagabi?" I asked him. "Well obviously, nalasing ka." He chuckled. "Tell me everything." I groaned.

"Ano bang naaalala mo?" He turned to his side to face me.

"Yung pangatlong shot ko ng Bacardi."

"Huh? Yun lang?"

Tangina yun lang??? Gaano pa ba kahaba yung gabing yon na hindi ko maalala? Nastress nako.

"Ang dami pang nangyari non. Nag sayaw kayo nila Jem at Hilda, then pag balik nyo sa table, naka anim ka pang shot. Parang nauna si Hilda na nalasing pero alam kong lasing ka na din kasi pinagtatawanan mo na yung mga sinasabi nya kahit walang sense. After your last shot, parang nakakatulog ka na sakin so dapat iuuwi na kita pero sabi ng dad mo I should just bring you here sa kwarto mo." He said. I couldn't remember any of that.

I know he was leaving out things from the way he was looking at me. He's trying to save me sa sarili kong kahihiyan. Well too late. I was already feeling embarrassed para dun sa mga hindi nya sinasabi.

"Nakaakyat ba ko?" Please tell me na hindi nya ko kailangan buhatin paakyat dito.

"You tried." He grinned. Well that would've been a sight for him. Drunk me trying to climb the stairs. Baka gumagapang nako non.

"How much did I try?"

"Konti lang. Dun palang sa hagdan nyo paakyat sa likod na terrace di mo na kinaya."

I groaned. "Ohmygod binuhat mo ko?"

"Yup." He gently laughed. For a while kinilig ako over it. Sana lang naalala ko yun. Jusko Harper. Ang kalat mo.

"You also dressed me?" I asked despairingly.

"I had to. Sumuka ka na sa CR mo e pero parang sanay ka na don kasi alam mo na sa toilet ka dapat sumuka." Aliw na aliw sya don. Years of practice. "Saka pinaligo muna kita and sumunod ka naman." He continued. Shit. Was he there nung naliligo ako??? He said he dressed me e!

He saw the horrified look on my face. "Promise di ako tumingin nung nagbibihis ka." He said that in a playful way. Again, parang may tinatago sya saakin na baka ayaw kong malaman. Malamang nakakahiya ako! "Kala ko nga hindi ka na lasing kasi I was barely holding you up habang nag toothbrush ka and nagtanggal ng make up mo, nakakatayo ka na e. Or was at least more successful versus the stairs." I probably looked so stupid in front of him. "Umm. Why are you still here?" I asked slowly.

"Sabi ng dad mo wag na daw akong umuwi kasi nakainom nako." He simply answered. Well, that was nice of my dad, to think na pwede naman nyang sabihin na mag Grab nalang si Xavier. But that really wasn't exactly my question.

"No why are you in my bedroom?" Tinanong ko nalang ng deretcho. Ang dami kasing guest rooms dito and I'm sure it wasn't my parents na pinagtulakan syang matulog sa kwarto ko.

He pursed his lips. "Kasi you wouldn't let me leave."

Napa nganga ako sa sinabi nya. Hay tangina Harper! I think I looked horrified at what he said kasi aliw na aliw nanaman sya sa itsura ko.

"Did I do anything really stupid last night?" I panicked.

I'm sure I begged him to stay here kasi if I just asked him to, kaya nyang tumanggi. Saka he said I WOULDN'T let him leave.

Baka madami pakong katangahang ginawa sa party. Baka kung ano-ano pang nasabi ko tungkol kay Holly dahil iritang-irita nako sa kanya kagabi. Pero mas worried ako sa mga pwede kong sinabi kay Xavier. Ready ba kong malaman yon? No. Xavier looked up to think about it for a while. "Hinila mo yung buhok ni Holly nung sumasayaw kayo nila Hilda, nakakatawa yon kasi mga tatlong beses mo ginawa. Parang hindi na natandaan ng ate mo kasi lasing na din yata sya. And you called your friend si Liv? Sinisigawan nyo sya ni Jem na sumunod kagabi. Pero hindi naman stupid yon e, so I guess wala." He answered.

Malamang makakatanggap lang kami ng mura ni Jem from Liv pero di naman first time na ginawa namin yon sa kanya. At buti nalang di kami nakita ni Xavier na magsabunutan ni Holly because hinila ko lang naman pala yung buhok. Honestly, I could've taken her scalp off last night and I would still not feel guilty about it in the morning. Except nalang kung makita yon ni Xavier. "Ummm, did WE do anything stupid last night?" I hesitated. I needed to know. Hoping na hindi ko na kailangang iexplain kung ano yung tinatanong ko.

Natawa sya sa tanong ko..

"Harper, if you're asking if we had sex last night, no."

Feeling ko naman din na hindi nya yon gagawin sakin, I just had to know. Sa totoo lang mas nakakahiyang malaman na ako pa yung nagpumilit na may mangyari samin. And I would die first bago ko yun itanong sa kanya. I also wondered if, at any point during my drunken state last night, I tried to kiss him or told him that I really like him. Well tangina wag naman sana diba pero hindi ko din yun itatanong sa kanya. Ayoko na din malaman yung sagot don.

I looked at my phone. As predicted, may text sakin ng mura si Liv. I was surprised at the time, it was already 10:25am, we needed to leave bago pa magising yung mga lasing kong kapatid. And buti nalang yun din yata yung naisip ni Xavier kaya tumayo na sya. I was distracted sa katawan nya dahil ngayon ko lang nakita kasi kanina namamatay pa ko sa gulat na nandito sya sa kwarto ko. Parang slow motion pa syang gumagalaw before me. Kulang nalang ngumanga siguro ako. "I'm sorry, hindi man lang kita nabigyan ng shirt." I said still looking at him/his body. Was I really sorry? I'm not sure. Swerte ng gumigising sa ganitong view araw-araw.

"Ok lang. I sleep like this." He smiled at me boyishly. Quite the contrast kasi it seemed like he was flaunting his naked upper body at me. Walang hiya-hiya. Nothing boyish about how he did it. Well I don't thinkdin naman na nasa character ni Xavier yung mahiya. "Can I take a shower?" He asked.

"Yeah, sure. I'll look for a shirt here that could fit you." I got up and tugged on the shirt I was wearing making sure na walang makikita sakin and opened my closet.

"No, ok lang may spare akong gamit sa kotse. Samahan mo nalang ako sa baba di ko alam if sa labas pa din ako nakapark e." He said.

"But not looking like that. Baka mahimatay yung mga maid namin." I threw him my old college shirt na malaki sakin and I also quickly put on my shorts.

Di ko na sinabi kay Xavier na malamang yung kotse nya nandun na sa parking area kasi kasama yun sa mga ginagawa nung valet. Or the family driver(s) would just take care of it. I just don't want him to know yung mga luho ng pamilyang to. I was also hoping wala kaming makasalubong sa kanila when we go down.

I grabbed Xavier's car keys from the hooks by the foyer and gave it to him while glancing around for any signs of my family. He went out papunta sa car nya while I just waited for him. Para akong nagpapatakas ng boyfriend na pinatulog ko dito in secret. Kung college pako, it sounds right up my alley dahil nga ako yung dream child.

"Harper." My dad's voice made me jump. I quickly turned around. Yeah, yung feeling ng nagpatakas ako ng boyfriend suddenly surfaced kahit na never ko yun ginawa dito.

"Yes dad?" I swallowed. He was clutching his coffee mug and a newspaper and was wearing his pajamas and robe. Nakalimutan kong ganito yung usual get up ng tatay ko pag nandito sa bahay. Ang tagal ko na ngang wala dito. "Please stay for lunch."

"Kasama ko pa si Xavier." I said quietly. Why am I suddenly a guilty teenager?

"Then the both of you should stay for lunch. I insist." He said while looking at me for my answer.

Gusto ko talagang tumanggi. But he was looking at me like he really wanted me to stay. I hope sya lang kasama namin for lunch. If not, the walk of shame would suddenly turn into a family lunch event.

"Yeah sige. We'll just shower. Well, not together, I mean." I wanted to smack myself. This was all new to me kasi nga wala akong dinadalang kahit na sino dito. Lalu na fake boyfriends. Ang awkward ko na nga around them, mas extra awkward pa ngayon.

I wished there was a handbook on how to survive the morning after being drunk with your family and fake boyfriend.

"Okay good. I'll have the maid call you." He pretended he didn't hear about the shower thing. I cringed when he turned his back para lumabas sa terrace where he usually takes his coffee while reading the paper.

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Xavier appeared by the door clutching a sports bag and walked over to me.  "I'm sorry. I said yes to us having lunch here." I apologetically looked at him. I'm sure may iba pa syang gagawin today. Ginugulo ko nanaman sya. "Yeah sure. Pero ikaw do you want to?" He just shrugged and looked at me meaningfully. How can I keep myself from not wanting him? It's not helping na concerned sya if I wanted to stay here, knowing what I really feel about my family and this house.

"Hayaan mo na, I already said yes. Do you want coffee?" I asked him. As if makakabawi ako sa mga ginagawa nya for me through coffee. "Hindi ba dapat ako yung nagtatanong nyan sayo?" He joked since sya nga yung nagbibigay sakin ng kape every morning. "Bukas ikaw na ulit. You're still my boyfriend today." I smiled and bit my lower lip. I can't believe I had an extension to this. Kahit alam kong di to makakatulong saakin.

"You're breaking up? Don't let me stop you." Nagulat ako when Holly suddenly spoke up coming down from the staircase. I completely forgot na on some places here sa bahay, minsan maririnig mo yung mga nag uusap. It's like a weird echo thing. Baka mas maexplain sakin yon ni Xavier.

I scowled at my sister. She had to hear our conversation. And her tone was too annoyingly enthusiastic. Again, what is wrong with her??

Xavier laughed and beamed at me. "Hindi nya kaya yon." He answered Holly confidently without turning to look at her. I pretended to make a face at him. "Coffee, then shower. Una nako sa kwarto mo love." Xavier said in a sweet tone making it sound like we're doing the shower thing together and kissed my forehead. His lips sent electricity from where he kissed me down to my toes. He turned para umakyat sa stairs. I'm hoping na hindi nakakarating yung echo sa terrace kung nasaan yung tatay ko.

It was now my sister's turn to be annoyed. I rolled my eyes at her and pumunta sa kitchen para mag padala ng kape sa kwarto ko. I would've waited for it kaso dun din pumunta si Holly and it's too early to be in the same airspace with her. The lunch was with the whole family plus Nick.

"Ohmygod ate, we were so drunk last night!" Hilda said to me as soon as Xavier and I walked in the dining room after showering. Separately. I sat down next to mom and katapat namin sila Holly, Hilda and Nick.

"You were all drunk. Minus Nick and Xavier." My mom said flatly as we started eating. It must have been a nightmare for her and dad seeing Hilda and me being carried off by the boyfriends last night. My dad was awake for it, so baka sya din. "So sinong nagbuhat sayo?" I smiled at Holly. Inirapan nya ko. "Pinaalalayan ko sya kay Terrence and Joey." My dad said. I kept the smug look on my face. So ganito pala yung feeling ng pagyayabang ni Hilda na may boyfriend sya. I think it's the first time for our dad to witness all three of his daughters drunk as a skunk ng sabay-sabay. Kung kelan tumanda na kami, dun pa kami nagkakalat sa bahay. At kung kelan lahat kami supposedly professionals na at way past our rebelling teen ages.

Ako inaamin ko, it wasn't the first time for me na umuwi dito ng lasing. I've done that a hundred times already nung college ako. Pero usually, kaya ko pang makaakyat sa kwarto ko at makaligo and bihisan yung sarili ko. May ka-close din akong maid namin na pag lasing ako, she brings me coffee para mahimasmasan. I wasn't sure if nakita na ng parents kong lasing sila Holly at Hilda bilang 'mababait' sila.

"Honestly you three are not in college anymore." My mom said sternly. Hindi sya pinansin ni Hilda.

"So saan ka natulog kuya Xavier?" Hilda was already in chismosa mode and eyed the both of us. Pinandilatan ko sya ng mata pero di din nya ko pinansin. She had to ask that sa tapat ng magulang namin talaga? I'm thankful I skipped this phase nung dito pa ko nakatira by not bringing any of my past boyfriends.

Xavier looked guilty and kumamot sya sa batok nya. It was enough to give Hilda the answer. And tuwang-tuwa naman sya. Holly however looked like she ate something bitter. Yeah suck on that, sister dearest.

My dad pretended not to hear Hilda's question and Xavier's non-answer answer and kumain nalang.

"Ate Harper, I love drunk you. You're so fun and a little less snarky." Hilda turned to me again and I pursed my lips. Yeah, I don't think Hilda ever saw me like that. Medyo natawa si Xavier at sinamaan ko sya ng tingin. "Wag ka mag alala Hilda, may lighter side naman yung ate mo." Xavier said.

"Good to know it's still in there. Nung highschool kami, she's like that. Super fun minus the drunk part. Pero medyo matapang ;at masungit na sya talaga kasi sinusugod nya yung mga umaaway sakin." Hilda told Xavier na naka ngiti parin sa tabi ko. Sa totoo lang, ang tagal ko ng hindi naiisip yon dahil I hate reminiscing our past but yeah I was that kind of ate kay Hilda.

"She's still like that. Takot lahat ng nasa office sa kanya. Kahit yung pinaka boss." Xavier beamed at me like it was something to be proud of.

"But super sweet if she wants to be." Hilda added. It was a little bit embarrassing for me. Hearing both Xavier and Hilda giving me praises as if everybody else at the table didn't know me. Well, hindi naman talaga. They knew of me, but not who I am right now.

Hilda, given that she's the youngest, was the one showered with all the niceness in this family. And before ako naging ganito sa pamilya ko, I was closer to her than Holly. But now, sila na yung mas close.

"Kaya wag mong lolokohin yang si ate Harper, she'll probably kill you. With her bare hands." Natawa si Hilda dahil alam nyang totoo.

"Never." Kinindatan ako ni Xavier. Napainom ako ng tubig to calm myself. Holly was looking at us not liking what she's seeing. Sa totoo lang I don't care.

"Julian called and he's sorry he wasn't able to make it last night." My mother spoke up seeing na tapos na yung topic sakin. Which could have been a relief if she hadn't brought up my almost-boyfriend from college, Julian Custodio. Though my mom was addressing Holly, she sounded like she was saying it to me. Tumahimik lang ako as if not hearing what she said.

"Wow talaga? Is he back from the States?" Holly looked devious. Finally, something she wanted to talk about. "He's been calling me almost every day asking about you." She raised her eyebrow at me. "So?" I retorted.

"Sobrang in love parin yon sayo no?" She continued and I scowled at her.

"Did she mention Julian to you, Xavier?" She now turned to him.

I wanted to wring her neck and stuff her head sa loob ng pitchel na nasa harap nya.

"No, we don't talk about exes." Xavier just shrugged, looking unbothered. I'm thankful he's just really relaxed all the time. Well as if mabobother talaga sya ng mga pinagsasasabi ng kapatid ko about Julian, he wasn't my real boyfriend.

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"Yes, he's taking a sabbatical leave." My mom answered Holly. "I'm going to call him and invite him for dinner. You should go Harper."

I rolled my eyes. Ngayon alam ko na kung saan nagmana yung kapatid ko. I almost forgot my mom can be really tactless at times.

"I'm busy." I said dryly.

"I'm sure you can put it in your schedule. You're not performing surgeries." My mom insisted and it took all my energy not to talk back at what she just said. I wanted this lunch to be over already.

"Nope, I think I'm swamped this month." I said in finality. If I had to do overtime every day, I'll do it. Eating with them so soon after this day is something I don't want to do yet.

"Speaking of surgeries, Julian is now with the Neurosurgery department at their hospital." Holly spoke up as if boyfriend nya yung pinagmamalaki nya. I hated how she's saying all of these things ng nandito si Xavier.

"Wow! No wonder he took this leave, baka hindi na sya makauwi ulit." Dad looked impressed. We had to sit through another ten minutes of them gushing over Julian na kahit si Hilda naiinis na probably because hindi sya yung topic. Holly kept building up Julian. Gusto ko na talaga syang sampalin sa ginagawa nya. So now that she can't have Xavier, sinasampal nalang nya sakin or kay Xavier na may lalakeng may gusto sakin who's a much better "match" according to their standards. Well boring naman standards nila. Basta doctor, ok agad sa kanila. But I admit, Julian was a different matter.

"Alam mo Holly, if Julian's so wonderful bakit hindi mo nalang sya iboyfriend." I scoffed. Xavier can feel the building tension in me so he took my hand and squeezed it.

"He's insane about you then gagawin kong boyfriend? Ayoko ng second choice ako." She flipped her hair. I wanted to laugh. Taas ng tingin nya sa sarili nya e mang aagaw lang naman sya ng mga boyfriend.

"Ah talaga? Parang yun nga yung specialty mo e." I sneered at her. Pretentious.

Hilda stifled a laugh beside her. Sinamaan sya ng tingin ni Holly.

"Or gusto mo, i-boyfriend ko muna sya so you can go ahead and take him away? Mas exciting for you yon." I smiled sarcastically at her. Before pa maka sagot sakin si Holly who was already red in her face fuming mad, my dad angrily spoke up. "Tama na."

Xavier pulled me towards him. "Harper, you've made your point. Hayaan mo na sya. It's not worth it." He whispered to me and hinimas nya yung likod ko.

Holly suddenly stood up to walk out of the room. Mom changed the topic to Hilda and Nick's wedding like nothing happened. Oh yes di parin sila nagbabago, iwasan nalang yung mga ayaw pag usapan.

The insufferable lunch was finally over and hila-hila ko na si Xavier palabas ng bahay namin. I felt better when we entered his car. But that lunch took a toll on me. "I'm sorry Xavier." I told him weakly. "Harper, you don't have to apologize."

"Di ko na sya dapat pinatulan. But all those talk about Julian and she kept insisting he's still in love with me, sobrang nakakapikon. Lalu na with you there." I slipped. "I mean they all know na boyfriend kita and she just undermined that including my mom. Alam ko you're not affected in any way, pero sobrang walang respeto."

"Well, your sister is really something." Xavier shook his head in disbelief as he drove out of the gate. Buti nalang disenteng tao si Xavier and iniiwasan nyang magsabi ng something na masama tungkol sa kapatid ko even if I wouldn't mind if he does. "Yeah she's made of something else. Di ko lang alam who or what made her." I answered.

Nahihiya nako actually kay Xavier kasi he had to see all of it. Lahat ng sama ng ugali at problema ko sa pamilya ko. To think na hindi ko naman talaga sya boyfriend. Maybe it was a bad idea to drag him into this. He already has a lot on his plate with his master's and his life that he paused for all of this. Na nagiging drama lang. Siguro talagang tama na, I really have to end this kasi he doesn't need this in his life and the more I do this to him, mas lalu din akong naguiguilty. "Wait, sino si Julian?" He asked as he drove.

"Julian is a long-time family friend and my almost-boyfriend nung college." I answered.

"Bakit almost-boyfriend?"

I blew air from my cheeks. "Uhhh nililigawan nya ko nung college. I thought, or I felt na totoo kasi he was really nice, sweet, thoughtful, and he practically followed me everywhere and ang tagal nya kong niligawan. Parang as soon as I got to college and a year after that. But nung sasagutin ko na sya, I found out that our parents have been favoring our relationship, so di ko sya sinagot."

"Favoring? Ano parang arranged marriage?"

"Ummm sort of like that. It turns out that our parents have been talking about getting Julian and me together since bata pa kami. Though there wasn't any formal deal or whatever. Kaya pala highschool pa lang kami palagi na kaming pinagsasama."

"So bakit sinasabi ng ate mo na in love sayo hanggang ngayon si Julian?"

"Because she's just stirring shit." Which was very typical of Holly.

"Did you like him?" He asked. Ngumuso ako chewing the insides of my cheek. I did like Julian. I've always thought na if we got together ng hindi nakielam yung mga parents namin, baka kami parin hanggang ngayon. If it was real. Or maybe not, pero maybe that chance would be real.

"It doesn't matter." I just simply answered.

"Why?" He looked at me, curious about my answer.

"Because what we had wasn't real. It was a fiction created for us by our parents." It was really my answer. Hindi ko gustong sabihin out loud kasi yan din yung meron kami ni Xavier but that was really it. Fiction. "And minsan mas mahirap mag let go sa mga bagay na akala mo totoo, pero hindi pala." I continued. My last sentence was actually more appropriate for what I'm feeling for Xavier. And it's a reminder to myself to let this go.