Saving Harper

Aliw na aliw na nakatingin sakin si Xavier as I chewed on my cheeseburger. We were seated sa Sweet X eating burgers, fries, and milkshakes kasi nagutom na kami coming from the exhibit. I swallowed what I was chewing and frowned at him. "What?" I asked him. "Wala. You just really love cheeseburgers no?" He chuckled as he took a bite on his. It was a comment not a question.

Well, may deeper meaning naman talaga why I love cheeseburgers.

"My dad used to bring me cheeseburgers all the time nung bata pa ko." I admitted. I don't know why I'm telling him this. Siguro kasi palagi nyang hinihirit yung fact na I really like cheeseburgers. Or parang sya lang nakakapansin non. "Di ko inexpect yon. Kala ko you just love them." He rested his chin on his left hand waiting for my story. I placed my burger down. Tutal naman nasabi ko na sakanya, so I might as well tell him the whole story.

"My family wasn't like this before. Yeah, may pressure from them, pero they were normal parents. My mom stayed at home most of the time to take care of us so medyo normal pa rin yung childhood namin, except those extra science classes she taught us after school. Inaabangan ko palagi yung daddy ko na makauwi from his shift sa hospital. He brings me home cheeseburgers and we'd watch TV hanggang makatulog ako. Yun na yung bonding namin." I shook my head and smiled a little. That memory was so long ago pero yun lang yung binabalikan ko if I wanted to remember my family. I used to be a daddy's girl.

"Wow, kala ko normal na yung childhood ko. Namiss ko ata yung extra science classes." He joked, sensing na medyo sensitive saakin yung sa dad ko. "Yeah, medyo OA nga yon. It was to prepare us for med school." I made a face. I hated those extra classes. It pacified my mom that Holly was bibo with those classes and Hilda was too young to even process some of the things she explained. It only came in handy kasi I breezed through my science classes.

"Ano since grade school kayo?" On-point yung hula nya. He took a bite from his burger and I sort of just watched him chew. Buti nalang mukha lang akong nag iisip kahit naka titig na talaga ako sa lips nya.

"Medyo weird nga yon, but it was better than how we are right now. A hundred times better. My mom eventually missed working full-time sa hospital so she went back. Then suddenly wala na silang oras saamin. We grew up, Holly attended college and two years after nung turn ko na, di ko sila sinunod and nandito nako ngayon." I smiled naturally, kahit I didn't feel like smiling.

It was sad. Losing my family like that. Masaya naman kami dati e until they treated me as a disappointment. My dad mostly. Just because hindi ako sumunod sa gusto nila. Just because I wanted different things. "Cheeseburger felt like the home I remembered." I finally said and started eating again.

I didn't want to feel nostalgic anymore kasi napakatagal na nung huli ko tong inisip. Ayokong maiyak habang kumakain kami.

"Okay dahil dyan, may cheeseburger ka araw-araw." Xavier smiled at me and natawa ako. It was actually sweet even though I know he's only distracting me from my thoughts. I appreciate that he's taking this lightly at hindi na nya ko tinanong about the heavy stuff. I have a feeling din naman that eventually malalaman nya yon lahat. Lalu na kasi makikilala nya pa yung pamilya ko.

"Sabi mo yan ah. Baka pinapaasa mo lang ako?" I repeated his words kanina saakin. And he shook his head in amusement.

"Takot ko lang na paasahin ka." He pushed his tongue on the insides of his left cheek while smiling.

The thing is, ako yung takot.

Friday night before ako umuwi from work, Xavier knocked on my door and casually leaned at the doorway when he opened it. "So, tomorrow night susunduin ba kita or ako susunduin mo?" He smiled boyishly at me. At ako naman, napakadali ng tanong nya, hirap na hirap akong sagutin. His smiles hit me differently from all the people na ngumingiti saakin.

If I let him pick me up, di ba parang date na yon? If I pick him up, parang sinasabay ko lang sya. So which one do I want?

"Ikaw, what do you want? I'm okay with whatever." I shrugged. Yeah. Takot. Takot akong harapin what I really want. Safest was to just let him decide.

He looked like pinagiisipan din nya kung anong gusto nya as if pareho kami ng iniisip about it. Well sana naman hindi kasi mamaya di kami pareho ng gustong isagot. I have learned that he's really easy-go-lucky habang ako, well, I'm not like that. Not anymore siguro. Nung college syempre I was different. Wala naman akong responsibilities non e.

"Sunduin nalang kita." Sagot nya and he smiled. Kumagat ako sa labi ko. Harper, don't take this seriously. He's just really friendly and smiles all the time. Masasaktan ka lang pag umasa kang may meaning lahat ng ginagawa at sinasabi nya. "Oh, by the way, I think semi-formal yung birthday but wear whatever you want. No one would mind." Gusto ko lang sabihin sa kanya na kahit ano pang suotin nya, gwapo parin sya. Jusko Harper! Pigilan mo nga iniisip mo. "Ikaw anong isusuot mo?"

"Some cocktail dress lang siguro I've had since forever." Ulol Harper sampu nga yung binili mong damit for this. Debut ba at gagamitin mo lahat? Ikaw celebrant?

"Do I get her a gift?" He asked. Wow e hindi nga nya kilala yung ate ko. "No, I'll get her something. Sama nalang kita sa card." Tangina oo nga anong ibibigay ko kay Holly? Ano pa bang wala sya?

"Baka magfeeling yang ate mo na birthday gift mo si Xavier sa kanya." Liv's words echoed in my head. Oh I'm definitely buying her something. Basta something na pricey masaya na yung ate ko. I took a mental note to buy a gift tomorrow morning.

Xavier walked over to me and nakita kong dala nya yung manuscript ni Andrei. He joined me sa sofa ko where I was reviewing first prints.

"So? Did you like it?" I asked him referring to Andrei's story. Leaving what I was reading sa coffee table.

"Parang anak ni Murakami and Dan Brown?" Kumunot ulo nya feeling unsure of his opinion about the story.

Well he has his own interpretation. That's the thing I love about books. It feels different every opinion you hear from readers. Madami namang influences talaga ang writers lalu na if they are also readers. "Ang dami kasing symbolism na inisip yung title character I think that's why you thought of Dan Brown. Ako naman feeling ko dark C. S. Lewis on his writing style. Very dark though in creating that world so in a way medyo Murakami nga since may hints of magic realism. And some influence by Agatha Christie dun sa plots. He's young but sobrang laki ng potential with that imagination of his. Eventually magkaka sariling literary voice din sya. But did you like it?"

"Yeah. Gusto ko yung kahit fictional, naniwala ako dun sa world he created in his work. Unrealistic pero..." He trailed.

"In a way relatable?" I finished for him.

"Exactly. Galing. And the twists came at the right moments nung kwento nya. I would love to create a cover for this." He gestured at the manuscript.

"Well, that's Franco's decision, and Andrei's. I think you have these mini-competitions to fight over the book covers?" Nasabi na yon sakin ni Franco dati, para daw ma-exercise yung skills ng mga artists nya. "Yeah, the junior artists enjoy that."

"And you don't?"

"I do. Nakakasawa lang manalo." He winked at me and nakangiting napailing lang ako sa konting arrogance nya. Konti, kasi I'm sure there's truth at what he just said.

"Then you won't have any trouble winning this one." I shrugged challenging him. He touched his mouth seemingly amused.

Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay. "Okay Ms. Javier, let's put a wager on that. If I get this cover, you owe me. If not, then I owe you."

"What do we owe each other?" I frowned. Hindi ba parang weird yon. He gets the cover art then panalo pa sya sa pustahan? But paghihirapan naman din nya yon and it would be effortless on my part dahil mag hihintay lang ako kung anong ipipitch na choices kay Andrei and who gets it.

"Kahit ano. Whatever you want." He said narrowing his eyes at me but was still smiling. As if wanting to ask what I want. Kahit di pa ko sigurado.

Napalaki yung mata ko. ;"So, anything?"

"Yup." He simply answered not letting his mischievous smile go.

"So, I can ask for a new car?" I asked suppressing a laugh. I should not have said that baka ganon din kamahal yung hingin nya. Mukhang napakalaki pa naman ng chance na manalo sya.

He laughed. "Kung kaya ng konsensya mong gawin yon sakin. Alam mo namang kailangan ko pa nga ng sideline e." Yeah as if I can do that to him. I'll probably ask for something na super babaw lang like a book.

"Okay, you got yourself a deal." I smiled. He held out his hand and I shook it.

"So bukas anong oras kita susunduin?" He asked getting up.

"Around six-ish?" Bibilisan ko nalang mag prepare. Teka ano ba to? Prom???

***

Saturday right after buying something for Holly, I've been trying to decide what to wear since I came back from the mall. All ten dresses I bought with the girls last week was laid down sa kama ko and I've been re-trying them on at hindi pa rin ako makadecide.

I looked at my watch. 3pm. Shit. Okay Harper just decide on one! Nagmadali akong tumakbo para mag shower ulit since I needed to get ready. Ang tagal ko pa naman maligo.

I finally decided on a black fitted bandage dress with thin straps and ended four inches above my knees, my black Manolos and paired everything with simple silver dangling earrings and a small silver clutch. I let my soft curls fall and naglagay ako ng plain black clips on one side para di naman mukhang ordinary masyado. I did my make up last since eto yung pinaka matagal gawin.

By 6pm, right on time, Xavier texted me.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Babe I'm downstairs na sa driveway.

(text) Me: Coming!

I took a deep breath and lumabas na sa condo ko not letting the fact that he can easily call me 'babe' distract me. Actually, dapat mag practice na din ako. Baka ganun din ginagawa nya? Di ko alam kung saan ako mas kabado, Xavier seeing me like this, being at this party with him, or Holly meeting him. Lahat. Definitely lahat yon.

Through the glass sa lobby leading out, I can already see him na nakasandal sa kotse nya looking at his right side at something and his both hands are in his pockets. Obviously waiting for me. Napatigil ako kasi I've never seen him in a coat. Shit. I've always thought na mahihirapan akong pigilan na magkagusto ako sa kanya kasi as Liv said, he fits right into the category ng mga type ko, pero ngayon di ko na alam kung kakayanin ko pang pigilan kasi sobrang gwapo nya talaga. He turned around and nung nakita na nya din ako he gave me a smile na umabot hanggang sa mata nya. "Wow." Was all he can say nung mag kaharap na kami. I'm praying that he sincerely means it. "Wow back at you, Mr. Arnaiz." I said returning the compliment with a smile.

Kung akala ko na ang gwapo nya nung malayo palang ako sa kanya, mas gwapo sya ngayon up close. He's wearing a white dress shirt with the three buttons opened inside his dark gray coat, black slacks and black Oxfords. Gusto kong ihirit na ganyan nalang isuot nya araw-araw. Papasa syang anak ng may-ari ng office namin.

Pinag buksan nya ko ng pinto sa kotse nya and sinara nya din when I was already inside. So ganito pala yung feeling ng date? He walked around to his side and sumakay na din. Ang lakas ng tama saakin nung amoy ng sasakyan nya which was how he smells like. I needed to desensitize.

"So saan tayo babe?" He asked me. I keyed in my parents' address sa Waze ko and placed it on his phone dock.

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"Connect mo sa bluetooth and open mo Spotify mo." He said and started driving. "Why?" I asked. Naka bukas naman yung radyo nya.

"Wala I just want to get to know you sa playlist mo." He shrugged and smiled but he didn't take his eyes off the road. I have only one playlist which was full of 90s to early 00s songs. Gaaah. I can't remember when I last listened to a new song intentionally. Baka hindi yung mga kanta sa playlist ko yung trip nya.

We ended up singing aloud to most songs na surprisingly alam at gusto din nya. It helped me keep my anxiety about this party at bay. Ang saya lang. Usually I sing to myself habang nagdadrive especially pag inaantok nako. It's nice to do this with someone. Saka ang ganda din ng boses nya.

"Holy what the" He suddenly said when we entered sa gate namin which was opened kasi we're having a lot of guests. He leaned in sa dashboard nya to get a better look at my parents' house-sorry, mansion, straight ahead. "Ang yaman nyo pala? Bakit ka pa nagtatrabaho?" He commented. "Sila yung mayaman." I just said. Bumabalik nanaman yung anxiety na nararamdaman ko. Yes my family was loaded. Galing ka ba naman sa BUONG pamilya ng mga doktor. But I never flaunted this with my friends. Ang luho ko lang siguro nung college was my car when I turned 18 and my bulky allowance. Si Liv lang nakaka alam lalu na when she got to know Jem dahil sa mga kwento ng pinsan ko na minsan naman napaka exagge na.

"Saan pwede mag park? Parang sa labas nalang pwede?" He asked as we passed cars already parked sa mga gilid ng driveway. "Uhhh just go sa through the driveway, my parents probably got a valet service." Nahihiya nako to say all these things to Xavier. Ayokong mag mukhang nag yayabang.

As predicted when we stopped in front, two guys in valet attire flocked both sides of the car to open our doors and ushered us out.

"Wait." He gently pulled me aside bago kami umakyat at pumasok sa bahay. "If we're playing boyfriend-girlfriend, umm do you want to convince them on that?" He continued.

Medyo natawa ako. Pero nervously sa totoo lang. I don't know exactly kung ano ba talaga yung tanong nya. It was like he was asking for my permission. Di ko sure kung perission para saan. "Yeah. I mean yeah. Umm we should. Yeah." I nodded nervously. Masyadong madaming 'yeah'. Tangina.

"Okay." He breathed.

"Okay." I did the same. He held out his hand for me to take. I slowly took it kahit na feeling ko pasmado nako. Puta dapat inamin ko nalang na I suck at this. We're just holding hands! Nahawakan na din naman nya yung kamay ko while we were at the exhibit. Relax. First time mo magka boyfriend Harper??

I should just play along at whatever Xavier's doing and act naturally. We got to our front door na naka bukas na din. Showtime, Harper.

We entered and music was playing. I frowned. Anong party to? Holly's turning 30 not 50 so bakit mood music for old people's parties? Soooo... pretentious.

"Harper! Xavier! I'm happy you both came." My mom greeted us. "Yeah I wouldn't miss this for the world." I sarcastically said and gave her a kiss. Xavier shook her hand. "Dr. Javier, good evening. I love the house." He politely greeted her. "Thanks, hijo. That makes one of you. Harper, why don't you introduce Xavier to your cousins? I hope you still know your way around." She said and waved at whoever walked in next sa likod namin.

My nostrils flared. I steered Xavier at the back of the house kung saan sila usually nagpapa party. "Meet my real mom." I retorted.

Xavier squeezed my hand to calm me down. "Does sarcasm run in the family?" He joked.

"Hoy I'm not sarcastic. You might want to ask 'does bitch run in the family?'."

"Pwede? Baka mawalan ako ng trabaho e." He joked again. "May isa ka pang trabaho diba?" I chuckled.

"Noted. Not sarcastic at all." Natatawa nyang sinabi.

I smiled at what he said.

"Um, garden ba to or park?" He stopped as soon as we stepped out sa likod ng bahay namin sa massive terrace.

Wide stone stairs from the terrace led to the expansive lawn which was transformed for the party (medyo tama sya, hindi to normal na backyard e). Lights were strewn sa malalaking puno don. A giant white tension tent was set up in the middle where a band was playing (yung tita music pala nandun lang sa loob ng bahay) and may dance floor din, a bar, gift and cake tables, and a stage. White circular tables and gold fancy chairs also dotted the area around the tent. The pool was decorated with golden floating lights. Madami nang bisitang nagkalat.

"Sorry. Debut nya e." I exhaled. We walked down towards the party. Madami ng friends yung ate ko na nandon and hindi ko sila kilala. Some pala na from high school, I only talked to her barkada nung ok pa kami ni Holly.

An attendant approached us and without saying anything, I gave her the gift I was carrying for Holly. Natatawa ako at how Xavier was taking it all in. Nagugulat siguro sya na may ganon talaga na taga kuha pa ng mga regalo from guests. If you ask me, it was ridiculous. May mga paa at kamay naman yung bisita para sila na yung mag lagay ng regalo dun sa gift table.

"Dito ka din ba nag debut?" He asked looking around. "No. I celebrated it in a bar getting wasted with my college friends." I smiled at that memory. My mom didn't speak to me for a week after I refused a "proper" debut. Lumingon si Xavier para taasan ako ng kilay. "Ipakilala mo nga ako sa Harper na yon." He smiled teasingly. "Get me drunk, lalabas yon." I smiled back.

I pulled him when I found Jem with my other cousins. When she saw me with Xavier, her eyes lit up. "Harper!" Jem said enthusiastically and hugged me. Xavier did not let go of my hand. "So, you must be Xavier!" Excited parin sya. Inirapan ko sya kasi tinaasan nya ng kilay yung kamay namin ni Xavier in passing bago sya humarap kay Xavier.

"Xavier this is Jem, my cousin." I introduced them, as if hindi pa sya stinalk ni Jem sa Instagram.

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"And best friend." Jem added.

"Yeah, and best friend." I repeated her correction.

Xavier held out his right hand to shake Jem's while his left hand was still clutching mine. But Jem ignored his hand and hugged him so parang nagulat pa si Xavier. "Oh, please. Handshakes are for all the doctors here. I'm her only family." Jem said too loudly. Wala syang pakielam kung narinig sya ng iba naming mga pinsan. Na mga doktor.

I introduced Xavier to my other cousins. He finally let go of my hand when he took two champagne glasses off a roaming waiter and handed me one bago sya mainterview ng mga pinsan ko. "Nilalasing mo ba ko?" I eyed him. "Sabi mo e. Sinusunod lang kita." He smiled playfully and winked at me.

Ayan na nagsimula na silang mag interview kay Xavier. Mga basic questions lang na natanong na din ng pamilya ko sa kanya when we had dinner with them.

Muntik nakong mapatalon sa gulat when Xavier's hand wound on my waist and pulled me gently towards him. His hand just rested on my waist habang nakikipag kwentuhan parin sya sa mga pinsan ko, like nothing extraordinary happened. I think hindi nanaman ako makahinga and my heart was beating so fast. I had to take a large gulp of my champagne. Wala bang mas malakas dito sa iniinom ko? Jem was beaming beside me at what Xavier just did.

"So asan na yung birthday celebrant?" Jem asked me. As if alam ko kung nasan yung kapatid ko.

"Probably preparing for her grand entrance." I smirked and finished my champagne easily. When another waiter offered drinks, I switched my empty glass with a filled one.

"Wag mo kong tulungan na lasingin ka." Xavier whispered in my ear. He can reach my ear down easily kasi mataas yung heels ko. I definitely need something stronger if I want to survive this night. And yung nararamdaman ko sa ginagawa ni Xavier.

I'm glad Xavier was getting along with kuya Terrence, one of my cousins. They were discussing something na hindi ako maka concentrate kung ano dahil I was too aware kung saan sya naka kapit saakin. Parang kada minuto, electricity shot up papunta sa batok ko. I can feel myself growing sensitive to every touch or contact our bodies made.

Hilda and Nick joined us after a while. Xavier also greeted them and bumeso si Hilda saaming tatlo nila Jem pero hindi parin tinatanggal ni Xavier yung kapit nya sakin. Na para bang lasing nako at mahuhulog nalang ako bigla, or as if may biglang hahablot sakin.

Hinihintay ko bang tanggalin nya? I think yung tanong is kung gusto ko bang tanggalin nya.

"Aww ate you're so cute together!" Hilda said smiling at how Xavier was holding me. Napangiti lang ako. Pati sa sinasabi ng kapatid ko bumibilis yung tibok ng puso ko. "Love, you want me to get you another drink?" Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Xavier as he looked at the glass I have in my hand. Paubos na naman yung iniinom ko.

Love. Pota.

"No babe I'm okay. So Hilds, nasan na yung isa mong ate?" I asked my sister, distracting myself so I can start acting naturally. Hilda rolled her eyes. "Finishing with make-up. I swear she's the only one who makes us wait this long." She made a face. Well kahit naman nung bata pa kami and aalis kami, we all waited for Holly.

"Have you greeted dad?" She asked me.

"Bakit birthday din ba nya?" I can hear Jem coughing a laugh at what I said.

"Snarky as always." Hilda gave me a fake smile. Yan naman yung palagi nyang sinasabi tungkol saakin.

"No, hindi ko pa sya nakikita. Mom said to introduce Xavier sa cousins kaya nandito kami ngayon. Dad's probably with titos so I'm sure he's not going to miss out pag di nya ko nakita."

Nung kumuha si Xavier ng second champagne glass nya, sumabay din ako with my third. "Stressed ka ba?" He whispered to me again. I had to drink from my glass. "This house makes me anxious." I whispered back.

'And your every touch is making me feel all sorts of things I shouldn't be feeling', I continued in my head. Ilang baso pa ba para kumalma yung puso ko?

I've had boyfriends before nung college pa ko kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito yung reaction ko kay Xavier.

"So kung hindi mo ko kasama ngayon, what are you doing here right now?" He asked me.

"Getting drunk." I smiled at him looking up. Ang hirap nyang tignan kasi parang naka glue parin ako sa tagiliran nya.

"E why are you still doing it now kahit kasama mo ko? Tama na muna. Later tayo mag inuman pag nakakain ka na." He said sweetly and kissed my hair. WHAT.

Sya ba yung lasing???

This was what he asked me earlier. My permission sa lahat ng ginagawa nya ngayon saakin. My permission to the free-reign of all actions to convince everyone that we're a couple. The problem is, kasama ako dun sa mga nacoconvince.