Saving Harper

"Girl, you need this!" Jem said as she added another cocktail dress sa growing pile of clothes ng pinapa fit nya saakin.

"I need this? Or YOU need this shopping therapy?" I asked her kasi dalawang damit naman yung kinuha nya for herself. Hila-hila nila ako ni Liv sa Greenbelt to shop for a dress to wear sa party ng kapatid ko.

Her pile was almost as much as mine while si Liv nagphophone lang. Ayaw nyang nag shoshopping kasama namin kasi mas nagtatagal lang daw kami. True. Shopping with Jem takes about a day and a half. "Wag kang mag reklamo. Kailangan mas maganda ka sa ate mo." Jem moved on to the next rack pulling out clothes to inspect them.

"Mas maganda naman talaga si Harper kay Holly. Kulay palang!" Liv spoke up. I think I have the most loyal friends. Kahit dalawa lang sila. "Thank you, Liv." I chuckled.

Holly and I could not be more different. From our looks down to our personalities. She has a pale complexion she got from our mom, habang ako naman morena like the women from our dad's side of the family. She has straight hair, while mine was long and wavy. She was as thin as a model and two inches taller than me, while ako naman kahit payat, kita naman yung assets ko. Hilda was like an almost-mini and younger version of Holly, at ayaw na naririnig yon ng ate namin. "Number one fan mo ko don't worry." Liv gave me a thumbs up and a smile. Yup. I have very loyal friends.

"Sa totoo lang it doesn't matter what we think, para kay Holly sya lang maganda. So it won't matter what I wear." Umirap ako.

Siguro ok na din na nalayo ako sa kanila ni Hilda. Who knows baka ganon na din ako ka self-centered if forever kaming mag kakasama? Aside from the imaginary competition sa utak ng ate ko over my parents' approval. She has this notion na porket tatlo kaming babae, she needs to best us as well sa pagandahan. She wanted the best clothes and she usually throws a tantrum (kahit malalaki na kami) when mom attempts to buy Hilda and I the same ones she has. She never fails to gloat when someone tells her that she's the prettiest, as if nanalo sya ng award. Sa totoo lang si Hilda lang naman yung affected, I'm not even playing her stupid game. "Wala tayong pakielam sa iniisip ng kapatid mo. Ang iisipin natin yung soon-to-be ex-fake boyfriend mo." Jem said habang may dinagdag nanaman sya sa hawak ko. "Teka why soon-to-be ex-fake boyfriend?" Olivia asked looking up from her phone.

"Duh. Kasi ang mission is maging boyfriend for reals na nya yang si Xavier. Kaya 'ex-fake-boyfriend' kasi soon-to-be-real boyfriend na sya dapat." Jem frowned at Liv as if saying 'bakit di mo nababasa yung ibig kong sabihin?'. "Teka lang Jemimah. Ni hindi nga natin alam kung type ba ko ni Xavier. Kung makapag salita ka dyan parang ako pa yung manliligaw sa kanya." I grimaced.

Super awkward to talk about Xavier like this. Na parang trophy na pag aagawan naming mag kapatid. I mean we don't even know what's Xavier's opinion. Riot kung pareho kaming hindi type ni Xavier. Which is also a big possibility. Mukha lang kaming tanga non ni Holly. Alam kong hindi competition, but I'd rather Xavier not choose anyone between me and Holly kesa sya yung piliin.

"Yun yung gusto nyang mangyari." Liv spoke up. Jem has this thing of setting up everyone with someone. Naka ilang dates na si Liv dahil sa kanya. Ako lang yung hindi nya mapilit. Buti nalang madami akong excuse at alam nyang tamad akong umeffort.

"No Liv. Ever since bata pa kami, Holly gets everything. Never syang nagbigay or nagparaya. What she wants, she makes sure she gets it. Kahit nasa ibang tao na. But this time she's not getting Xavier from Harper." Very dramatic yung pagkasabi ni Jem, but it was very true. I mean yung part na kung ano man yung gusto ng kapatid ko, she finds a way to get it. Kahit na kailangan pa nyang agawin. Kung self-centered si Hilda, self-centered AT selfish si Holly. Bakit kaya di nalang lalake yung mga binigay sakin na kapatid?

"Wait lang ulit. I'm not even sure if I like Xavier. Di ko sya kilala. I mean yes super type ko sya, but we don't even know if he sees me like that. And he doesn't even know me." I echoed what I was thinking. "What if mabait lang sya that's why he played along? What if pag nakita nya si Holly sya pala yung type nya?" My mouth formed a straight line. Tangina wala naman din akong magagawa kung si Holly yung magugustuhan nya.

"Anong klaseng confidence yan Harper?! So what if hindi ka pa decided kay Xavier? The point of my whole litany is for you to be able to freely think about it. Na hindi eepal si Holly. Hindi yung kung kelan nasulot na ng kapatid mo, dun mo lang marerealize that you want to be with him." Nakasimangot na si Jem saaming dalawa ni Liv, parang nauubusan na ng pasensya.

"Okay Harper ganito nalang isipin mo. Ang goal mo for that night is for Xavier not to take his eyes off you. Ok na ba yun Jem?" Parang equally nagkakapaguran na si Liv at Jem.

"Yes, perfect." Jem agreed. "Kaya mag sukat na tayo ng outfits." Hinila na nya ko papunta sa dressing room. Finally kasi ang sakit na ng braso ko sa dami nyang damit na pinili para saakin.

I ended up buying ten dresses, a dozen make-up, and three shoes. Di kami makadecide on just one and Jem insisted I needed a lot of options. Ten options to be exact. Ang sakit ng ulo ko sa gastos but clothes are always worth it. By the time na nakabalik ako sa condo, I was already worn out and ready to sleep. Super wala akong life.

After taking a hot shower, I decided to check out Xavier's IG profile bago matulog.

Ha. Hindi pa pala ako decided if gusto ko sya pero I'm stalking him right now. How can I be a stalker if public yung profile nya diba? I'm too damn defensive.

Jem was right, ang dami nyang artsy posts. Artworks, paintings, buildings here and from other countries which I guess he admires because of its architecture. Even his pictures were beautifully shot. I wonder who takes them? Di naman siguro girlfriend? Tangina mas riot pala yun if umeeffort pakong mag pa-ganda sa weekend only to find out he has a girlfriend. Should I ask him? Nag scroll nalang ako sa IG nya kasi if he has a girlfriend, naka post yon dito for sure.

Wait! There's a girl! I clicked on the post to take a look at it. I can't believe Jem missed this. It was a black and white photo. Naka talikod yung girl showing her sensual silhouette against the sheer curtain of a window. It was too intimate but it wasn't captioned and no one was tagged.

POTA. FAIL.

I needed to end our fake shit. Ayokong mang gulo if may girlfriend nga sya. I'll look even more pathetic pag nag explain sya sa girlfriend nya that his 'boss' practically didn't give him a chance to say no sa kalokohan na to. Madali namang mag dahilan sa pamilya ko na I already broke up with him.

Now, how will I tell him? Do I call? Do I wait until Monday kung saan mas nakakahiyang sabihin sa kanya ng harapan? I should just call him tomorrow para di ako masyadong mapahiya then file for a vacation leave for two days para mahimasmasan ako sa hiya sa nangyari.

I looked at the picture of the girl again. Haaay. Tama na nga to.

To my horror, I accidentally liked the fucking picture. Holy crap! Do I un-like???? I started panicking again.

I decided to un-like the picture and groaned aloud sa katangahan ko. Tangina. Mag dasal ka na Harper na hindi naka on yung notifications nya sa phone!

Inilalim ko yung phone ko sa unan. Just sleep off this nightmare, I told myself.

Wala pang isang minuto tumunog na yung phone ko.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: You don't have to stalk me. [

PUTANGINA! Pwedeng mamatay???

(text) Me: It was a very good picture.

Pathetic pero yun nalang yung naisip kong isagot

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Ah kaya pala you un-liked it. D

Well shit. Hinanap ko ulit yung picture then ni-like ko nanaman kahit parang tanga.

(text) Me: Happy?

I'm sure nakuha nya yung notification.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Hahahaha. Cute. Btw your sister Hilda just followed me sa IG.

(text) Me: What?! [

I groaned louder. Grabe yung pagka chismosa ng kapatid ko!

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Buti pa sya. Ikaw kaya kelan?

(text) Me: K.

I followed him. As if naman napilitan talaga ako don. Naguna na nga si Jem sa pag follow sa kanya kanina nung tinitignan nya yung profile ni Xavier. Ayaw mag papigil ni girl. (text) Xavier Arnaiz: Sweet mo talaga.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Teka, di ba sya magtataka why I don't post you?

I was about to say na wala akong pakielam. But this is Hilda. She'll make a big deal out of it.

(text) Me: You think nakakapag taka yon?

Those three dots kept appearing and disappearing on my phone screen. Who knew it could cause death from anticipation?

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Yes.

Wow tangina yun lang yung hinintay ko? 'Yes.'? Wala man lang suggestion?

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: If you want, I'll post your picture now. Pahingi ng picture mo. Yung stolen ah. Parang ganito.

He sent a peg of a girl na hindi ko alam kung model pero thankfully hindi naman OA yung pose. Parang low-key semi-stolen shot pero sa totoo lang sinadya dahil ang ganda nya. (text) Me: Wait. Before ako mag photoshoot mag isa, does anyone from the office follow you on IG?

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Everyone.

Hala. Everyone? So ano? Pati sa office mag papanggap kami? I had to think about it. Tangina feeling ko this is getting out of hand. Una sa pamilya ko lang. Now, pati sa office. (text) Xavier Arnaiz: Ready ka na maging girlfriend ko?

(text) Me: Why is this so easy for you? (text) Xavier Arnaiz: Because I don't care what they think.

(text) Me: Boss mo ko. Di ba mukhang I took advantage?

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: So? Malay mo yun yung gusto ko. []

Hindi ko yata kakayanin to. Why is he being so... THIS? I don't want to say na malandi sya kasi baka imagination ko lang yon. Kung ano man tong ginagawa nya.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Joke lang. Well, technically, hindi kita boss. Alam ng lahat na "sideline" ko lang yung pagiging assistant mo. You dated Franco. Bakit naman hindi pwedeng ako?

Wala akong sagot don. Dahil ba guilty lang ako masyado?

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Who cares what they think Harper? Walang magkakalakas ng loob mag sabi sayo na mali yung ginagawa mo. Kahit si sir George. And walang difference yon kung si Franco man yung boyfriend mo or ako. More importantly, WHO CARES? Aawayin ko yung may sasabihin about us.

Ganon ba kadali? Tangina bahala na. Pwede naman kaming mag pretend break or whatever.

(text) Me: Sweet ah. Fine. I'll send the picture, mag bibihis lang ako.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Kahit wag ka na mag bihis. [

Masanay ka na Harper na sa lahat ng sinasabi nya kinikilig ka. Pinasok mo to e. Panindigan mo yan.

Mga 30 minutes akong nag photoshoot mag isa kasi nag ayos pa ko. I can't believe I even put on make up. Binilisan kong pumili kung anong isesend ko sa kanya.

His reply was instant.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Ginalingan masyado. [

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Nang asar pa sya. Kung hindi pa masyadong nakakahiya yung pinag gagagawa ko sa buhay ko ngayon.

(text) Me: Good night.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Accept my follow request para ma tag kita. Good night babe. I

Yup. Masanay ka na.

After a few minutes, my phone sounded an Instagram notification: xavierrnz tagged you in post. I opened to see he posted my picture with the caption 'My muse. @harperj' Paano ako makakatulog with that caption sige nga?!

Monday morning as I walked through the office, I can feel people staring at me. I was so sure na lahat dito sa office nakita na yung IG post ni Xavier kasi bakit pa sila tititig sakin. Pero sabi nga nya, who cares? Yun nalang ang inisip ko hanggang makarating ako sa area namin. Wala si Xavier sa desk nya, mukhang na kay Franco. But I already had coffee sa table ko. Thank god. Ayoko na maglakad papunta sa pantry.

Speaking of Franco, I was such a coward. Di ko sinagot yung tawag nya kahapon. Di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko so hopefully si Xavier nalang yung tanungin nya. Tutal he's so much better at this than me. Mamaya masabi ko pa kay Franco yung totoo. I'm sure isang taon nya kong pagtatawanan over this.

Buti nalang isa lang yung meeting ko today and hapon pa. Pwede lang akong mag kulong buong araw dito sa office ko.

Not long after, dumating na si Xavier and pumasok sya.

"Good morning babe." He smiled at me.

I wish di masyadong kumabog yung dibdib ko ngayon.

"Saan ka galing?" I asked.

"Bakit miss mo na kagad ako?" He asked not letting go of his smile. Inirapan ko sya pero yung hindi seryosong irap. Di ko kaya kasi parang guilty nako talaga e. "Galing ako kay Franco." He chuckled and umupo sya sa sofa ko. "And?" I asked.

"He asked about us dahil dun sa post ko." He said casually. Well duh. Kung pwede lang mag tanong lahat ng tao. Tinawagan na nga ako ni Jem agad nung nakita nya at nagsisigaw sa tenga ko. She was so excited dahil akala nya magkasama talaga kami ni Xavier after namin mag mall.

"And?" I repeated.

"I said girlfriend kita."

Yes, lahat casual sakanya. Wala na tong bawian. Inamin na nya sa nag iisang kaibigan ko dito sa office.

"And naniwala sya?" I asked curiously. Kailangan ba pigain ko yung kwento sa kanya? Kasi I couldn't face Franco to tell him myself. Baka mag tampo yun na hindi pa galing saakin.

"Not at first. Dami nyang tanong, kuya mo ba yon? Well technically ex mo sya. He asked kung paano naging tayo so sabi ko matagal na kitang gusto and sinabi ko rin na kaya ka pala naiinis sakin kasi gusto mo din ako." I looked horrified at what he said. Franco won't buy that! He knows me too well na pag galit ako sa tao, galit ako.

"What? Hindi yon maniniwala!" I panicked. Tangina kung pinapasweldo ako every single time I panic sa ginagawa namin ni Xavier, ang yaman ko na Friday palang after ko syang ipakilala sa pamilya ko in that dinner.

"Joke lang. Relax. Ang sinabi ko talaga sa kanya nililigawan kita. Sobrang no chill ka no? We have to do something about that." He looked at me, clearly amused. Well, good luck. Di sya yung una at huling taong nag sabi or mag sasabi saakin na I have no chill.

"So nabenta mo sakanya?" I asked. Di ko kasi nakita yung itsura ni Franco so ewan ko lang kung naniwala sya don. Although mas believable naman siguro na nililigawan lang ako ni Xavier kesa sa girfriend na nya ko agad-agad. Walang maniniwala non dito.

"Mukha naman. Ang tagal nya kong pinagtatawanan e. Saka nag good luck sya saakin. Mga apat na beses siguro. I wonder why?" He said his last sentence in a very sarcastic tone. I made a face.

Di ko napansin na may text na pala sakin si Franco.

(text) Franco Alturas: I told you he's exactly what you need. Hahaha.

Good job na napaniwala ni Xavier si Franco. I sent a quick reply.

(text) Me: Shut up.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Xavier asked. My jaw almost dropped to the floor. Are we now taking this seriously? Huy teka. Di ako prepared. Di nga ako prepared sa fake e. I'm just going to screw this up! I couldn't stress well enough how bad I am when it comes to dating.

Hoy Harper hinga! Walang nagsasabing date. Sagutin mo nalang kesa ang aga-aga panic mode ka agad.

"Wala naman. Why?" I asked carefully.

"Ipapakilala kita sa babae sa picture na ni-like mo sa Instagram ko." He said. My stomach dropped. Wait should I ask if may girlfriend sya?

"Sa totoong muse mo?" I pursed my lips, ready na kong mapahiya pa ng sobra.

"Uuuyyyyy, selosa." Xavier taunted playfully habang niloloko nya ko. Sinimangutan ko sya. "So later?" He asked me hopefully, not answering my question. Baka nga hindi nya alam na totoong tanong yon.

"Yeah sige." I shrugged. Kala mo naman ang dami kong ginagawa sa buhay ko.

He got up. "By the way, we're having lunch later. Para naman maniwala lahat na nililigawan kita. Puro pang aasar lang nakuha ko sa team ko e. Nag post na nga ako, na gago pa ko." Again, he said that so casually na hindi nako nakasagot. Parang di naman nya ko binigyan ng chance sumagot e.

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"So nung naglayas ka, anong mga dala mo?" Xavier asked me curiously. He's been asking me so many questions habang kumakain kami ng lunch halos di nako makakain kakakwento. We ate sa nearby restaurant para mabilis makabalik sa office.

I smiled at his questions. I've never felt someone could be so interested with my life. Except sila Franco, Jem at Olivia na pinagsasabihan ko ng halos lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko.

"Mga damit lang yata yung kaya kong dalhin." I tried recalling. Yung mga tanong nya mostly about college and my early days sa Carte. Curious din sya sa pamilya ko. "Yeah dalawang maleta ng damit and then some shoes and all my books. Saka hindi naman talaga ako nag layas. I moved out. Wala nga lang blessing ng magulang ko. I think they knew they won't be able to control me anymore kaya hinayaan nalang nila ko." "Honestly, I don't think anyone could control you." He said as if yun yung pinaka obvious na bagay sa mundo.

"What's with cheeseburgers?" He started with the questions again. "Ang sarap kaya!" I pouted. He already knew this since yun yung pinapabili ko sakanya pag hindi sya yung nag dedecide kung anong kakainin ko. "So kaya mong kainin yon araw-araw?" ;He challenged me.

"I think so? Pero sana di lang yon ipakain mo sakin diba?" Natawa ako.

"Kung may choice ako believe me next month ka pa kakain ulit ng cheeseburger." Biniro nya ko. "Ay teka. May choice nga pala ako. Boyfriend mo ko diba?" Habol nya at tinaasan nya ko ng kilay.

I think alam ko na kung bakit napakadali sakanya at napakahirap saakin na mag biro sa ginagawa namin. Kasi for him, as he said, he doesn't care. All of this is not real at alam nya yon.

And for me, I might care a little bit more of what others might think kesa sa kanya, pero ang mas malaking rason is that at the back of my mind I know that if I'm not careful enough with what we're doing, I'll fall for him. Kahit na para sa kanya wala lang lahat to.

"O teka, malungkot ka ba dahil sa cheeseburger?" He surveyed me. Nakita nya yung pag palit ng expression sa mukha ko. "Yeah." I answered covering for what I was just thinking about.

"Okay sige fine. I'll buy you cheeseburgers pero twice a week lang, max." He smiled at me again.

Pag balik namin sa office, mas lalu kaming pinagtitinginan kasi mag kasama kami. Wala silang pakielam. I told myself.

I concentrated hard on my only meeting for the day para di ko na masyadong maalala yung mga naisip ko kanina habang naglulunch kami ni Xavier. Yes, I need to be careful pero ayoko din naman torturin yung sarili ko na yun lang yung iisipin ko every minute of every day. After all, kasalanan ko naman to. If I didn't introduce him as my boyfriend e di sana wala akong iniisip na ganito. I just need to suck it up and kayanin na pigilan yung sarili kong may maramdaman for Xavier. "Ready?" Finally, sumilip na si Xavier sa pintuan ko. I was still working pero pwede ko naman ipagpabukas. Di ako sanay na maagang umalis sa office at may pupuntahan pang iba bago umuwi.

We drove to a warehouse. Weird. Pero may mga tao namang naninigarilyo sa labas so di masyadong sketchy. Pero anong meron dito?

"Nasan tayo?" I asked him. Sya naman yung nag drive at nag dala ng kotse ngayon at napilit nya ko na susunduin nalang nya ko bukas papasok sa trabaho. "You'll see." Kinindatan nya ko as he cut off his car engine and bumaba na. I did the

same.

As we walked towards the building napansin ko na ang daming bumabati kay Xavier. As I got to know him, napapansin ko na medyo opposites kami. Di ako social habang sya lahat halos kakilala or kaibigan. Kahit sa office. Kung kilala ko lang lahat ng tao don e di malamang di ko sya napagkamalan na replacement sa assistant ko. To think na more than a year na pala sya don! Was I ever present sa mga Christmas parties and other company events??? I think di lang talaga ako nagsosocialize.

We went inside the warehouse and nagulat ako at how bright it was inside.

It was an art exhibit. Sa totoo lang it was my first time sa ganito. I can't believe I've never thought of going to one before. The vibe was definitely new pero ang exciting.

Madami nanamang pinansin si Xavier and yung iba kinausap pa sya so I roamed around a little bit to take a look at the framed exhibits. They were all photographs. I was mesmerized at how good these artists were. Yung iba nature yung subjects like the one I just walked through with vivid colors it was like browsing a copy of National Geographic. And ngayon naman ordinary life ng mga tao. It made me feel like nasa kalye ako ng Manila just people watching. "Okay ba?" I heard Xavier ask me and tinabihan nya ko. He was standing so close to me so amoy na amoy ko sya. Talo ni Xavier yung mga tinitignan kong pictures kasi if senses lang yung pinaguusapan, mas may gravitational pull saakin yung amoy nya.

But I need to stop and snap out of this. Buti nalang akala nya naka concentrate lang ako sa tinitignan ko na totoo din naman.

"Yeah, ohmygod. Ang gaganda." I said not taking my eyes off a picture of an old wrinkled woman in front of me. The details on the photograph was just... wow.

We moved on slowly from one photographer to another. "Do you know them?" I asked him. He was an artist so malamang he knows these photographers. "Yeah yung iba." He said.

"When you told me I'll be meeting the girl in the photo, you didn't mean na sya mismo no?" Siningkitan ko sya ng mata. He shook his head and smiled. What?! May photos sya dito??

"What kasama ka sa exhibit?! Show me dali!" I tugged his jacket to pull him away kung saan kami nakatayo. And natawa sya. "Hindi dyan Harper. Here." He took my hand and led me to the opposite direction.

I was walking but I could only stare at our hands clasped together. Di yata ako makahinga. I feel like I'm choking on feelings I'm trying so hard to suppress.

We stopped in front of his photos. I let go of his hand kasi baka wala nakong ibang tignan.

Wow I can't believe na ganito sya ka artistic. All his photos are in black and white and yet you can still feel through them. He let me walk around them so I can take in everything. My favorites were his action photos of people with different expressions and his silhouettes. May iilan sya of people smoking, those were the ones I like kasi ang hypnotic for me nung curves ng usok and how he captured them.

"Ang ganda. Ohmygod. I'm sorry I know baka hindi ako yung best judge mo for this since ngayon lang ako nakapunta sa ganito, but I like it." I turned around to face him. Parang kanina nya pa tinitignan how I was looking at his every photo. He licked his lips and asked me. "Like lang?"

Hindi nanaman ako makahinga. I swallowed hard while staring at him. "Love. I love them."

"Napilitan ka lang ata." The corners of his mouth rose into a smile. I shook my head.

My phone sounded from a notification. Instagram: xavierrnz tagged you in a post. It was a photo of me that he just took now habang I studied/admired his works. It was captioned 'In a room full of art, you effortlessly hold my gaze. @harperj'. Oh god, I am in so much trouble with this guy.

"Sabi mo yan ah. Baka pinapaasa mo lang ako?" He chuckled distracting me from the picture of me he took while I was looking around.

Mali yata.

Parang ako na yung umaasa. Effortlessly.