Saving Harper

They always say "hate" is such a strong word. So why do we always carelessly throw it around in reference to things that we might just dislike? Thoughts we don't agree with. People we don't favor. Do we really hate it or them or we are just too unmindful of the words we choose?

Hate

verb

--feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone)

Intense or passionate dislike, meaning it is felt and not merely thought of. It's the same with love, you need to feel it in order to be able to say it. Both words get thrown around so much that we don't really think about what we really feel about those things we claim to love or hate.

I don't think it was ever like that with Xavier and me.

I love you so much, Harper.

Xavier's voice echoed on my mind multiple times since last night. I don't need to ask him if that's what he really feels, because I know it's true. Especially how he said it to me yesterday.

He loves me. I hate him.

What do I do with that? How do we move forward?

"Ms. Javier? Ms. Javier?" A woman's voice said loudly but distantly, pulling me slowly in.

"Harper, huy!" Franco hissed more urgently and nudged my foot from across the boardroom table.

I shook my head as if to wake myself up. Shit. Nasa meeting nga pala ako. They were all looking at me.

"I'm sorry I must have spaced out. What's that again?" I addressed Pia, the head of Marketing who was presenting their team's budget proposal for next year. Franco frowned at me, mukhang hinuhulaan kung anong nangyayari saakin and kung ok lang ba ako. I gave a sideways glance at our boss to see if nagtataka din ba sya why I wasn't focused on what's happening. Nope parang unaffected lang sya. Recently he acts as a mere spectator since kami na nga halos ni Franco yung nagpapatakbo dito.

"Naka tulog ka ba don?" Franco asked me as soon as we were out of the meeting, na thankfully natapos ko without any more distractions.

"No, may iniisip lang ako." I answered him. Totoo din naman yon e, though hindi kumpleto. It's not that I won't tell him the words Xavier uttered to me last night as soon as we found out we're having a baby boy, pero not here. I was already distracted as it is.

"Sure ka? Or dahil wala lang yung buntot mo ngayong araw? Nasan ba sya?" Niloko nya ko about Xavier's absence.

"Asa. And I don't care where he is." I said to him as he walked past me para pumunta sa opisina nya, buti naman naisip nyang wag nakong asarin pa about it.

I turned my office doorknob, pero sumilip muna ako ng dahan-dahan to check if anyone is here. Wala. I exhaled and entered. Ano bang gusto mong makita Harper? Si Xavier? So now hinahanap mo na sya?

This morning, I was kind of prepared to be pestered by him. Ineexpect ko na agad na he made breakfast or maaga syang mangungulit because of last night's euphoria. But wala sya sa condo, wala sya sa parking, at wala sya dito sa office. So hinahanap mo nga?

No. I just found it weird that he uttered those words to me tapos ngayon ni anino nya wala. What's it to me anyway? I'm annoyed as hell with him and I'm trying to drive him out. Now I can relish my victory since pang limang araw palang, wala na sya.

I sighed. Some victory this is. Parang ako nanaman yung talo. Maybe I should do the leaving?

I love you so much, Harper.

I couldn't pretend yesterday that I didn't hear what Xavier said, but I ignored it. The way he said it, I was kinda sure at that time he was asking if I'm finally ready to get back together with him. Na pinapatawad ko na sya. Feeling ko naman the fact that I didn't answer gets na nya na di ko pa sya napapatawad. Baka naman binibigyan nya lang ako ng time and space?

Well, whatever. I was annoyed again and naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil affected ako.

Wala si Xavier but now I'm in a really sulky mood. Parang wala pa yata akong gana kumain. Even my son seems to have lost his appetite.

Right on cue, Jenny entered the room clutching a paper bag, probably with food and a big smile was plastered on her face. Usually, ok naman ako sa sunny attitude ng assistant namin ni Franco, pero today I wasn't in a mood for any. Actually parang gusto ko na umuwi and just continue my work there.

"Maam, lunch po." She placed it on my desk. I was about to say na wala akong gana and pwedeng kanya nalang yung pagkain ko and I'll just eat later pag nagutom nako, pero tinuloy nya yung sinasabi nya. "From Xavier, pinadala po nya ngayon."

I frowned.

I hoped it contained an explanation why he couldn't give it himself.

AY.

I just nodded and medyo disappointed sya sa reaction ko na hindi man lang ako kinikilig. "Thanks, Jenny."

As soon as she was out of the door, tinignan ko ng masama yung paper bag. Hindi yan si Xavier, Harper. Gaaahhhh.

Pero di ko din mapigilan and I took it and peeked inside and may note nanaman. A rather longer one. I reached for it to read it.

Your favorite, my love. Don't worry this is a healthy one and approved ni mommy and ni tita Heather. Yup, I also asked her. The other one, I think you missed it (sana all miss mo). Quiet ka lang sa mga nanay natin that I gave you this. I love you and enjoy lunch.

-X

No explanations. Pero ano ba talagang gusto mo Harper? Nandito sya or wala sya? Magulo ka. Kumain ka nalang.

All of a sudden like it was a switch being turned on by food usually given by Xavier, gutom nako. My son already formed a bond with his father hindi pa sya lumalabas. Xavier's charm already took him. Why am I not surprised?

I took out the first container and opened it. Ohmygod. The smell again! It was a large cheeseburger! Eto ba yung healthy or ito yung tinakas nyang ibigay saakin? I took out the other closed paper bag and malamig sya. Di ko pa binubuksan alam ko na kung ano. Coffee ice cream! I got really excited dahil talagang namiss ko to. And cheeseburgers.

E yung nag bigay hindi mo namimiss?

Ako lang ba or sobrang nakakainis talaga yung subconscious ko?

I took a bite at the cheeseburger. Sobrang heavenly. Feeling ko it's been forever since I last ate one. Yeah, nandito pa si Xavier non and he also bought me that one.

I looked at my phone, na kanina ko pa rin iniirapan because no one is texting me. Ang sabihin mo Harper, hindi ka tinetext ni Xavier. I took it and pinagisipan ko if I should text him. At least to say thank you for the food diba? I can't believe na ako pa yung mauunang magtext sa kanya! I know he's going to have a field day about it.

Malay mo naman hindi. Di nga sya nagtetext sayo e. Fine. Bahala na. Should I put an emoticon?

(text) Me: Thanks for the cheeseburger. And the ice cream.

(text) X: Finally! Kanina ko pa hinihintay na mamiss mo naman ako.

(text) X: You're welcome baby. My two babies.

(text) Me: We're not having twins.

(text) X: Hahahaha. Malay mo masundan din agad yung baby natin. Joke. Pero kung gusto mo naman, sino ba ko para tumanggi?

(text) Me: Not funny.

(text) X: Hindi mo man lang ba itatanong kung nasan ako?

(text) Me: I don't care.

Yeah, right. Every inch of my body fought hard not to ask him where the hell he is.

(text) X: Ouch. You sure know how to hurt an ego.

(text) Me: I'm not at all sorry.

(text) X: I know.

(text) X: Namiss mo ba ko?

(text) Me: No. Bye..

(text) X: Sad. Kumain ka na. I love you.

(text) Me: K.

(text) X: Cold. I love you, Harper.

Di ko na sinagot, at least alam kong buhay pa sya.

"I'm going home. Do you need anything from me?" I barged Franco's office an hour after kong kainin yung cheeseburger and ice cream ko from Xavier. He frowned at me. "Ok ka lang ba?"

"Yeah, don't worry. Di ko lang feel ngayon mag trabaho dito. I'll work from home."

Franco eyed my annoyed look and chuckled. "Ang sabihin mo wala lang kasi si Arnaiz. Gusto mo bang itanong ko nalang kung nasaan sya?"

I scowled at him. "I don't care." I repeated to him yung tinext ko kay Xavier. And besides, if I do that, mahahalata ni Xavier na Franco's just asking it for me. He's not getting that satisfaction. Natawa si Franco at lalu akong nainis. "Alam mo nakakairita ka din talaga. May hindi ako sasabihin sayo pag di mo ko tinigilan." Naalala ko pala na hindi ko pa sinasabi sa kanila nila Jem that we already know the gender ng baby namin.

Siningkitan nya ko ng mata sa sinabi ko. Ha curious na agad sya. Chismoso. "Kung ngayon mo lang nabalitaan na kinasal na si Brian at yung secret nyang girlfriend from Finance, last month pa yon." What may secret girlfriend si Brian sa office? Ano bang bago Harper. Wala ka namang alam talaga sa office chika.

"No. But good for them. Yung news ko, we already know the gender of the baby." I finally smiled and bumilog yung mga mata ni Franco. "Ano? Finally mabibilhan ko na ng gamit yung inaanak ko."

"You have a godson." Nakakahawa yung excitement ni Franco.

"Yes! Bibigyan ko agad yan nung mga mini electrical car na pwede talagang idrive."

"Chill, ninong. Matagal pa syang baby, di pa nga mag lalakad to until he's already one year old." Guys and their toys. Sana hindi nila mapag usapan to ni Xavier baka maexcite din yung isa sa mga laruan. Ako naman yung mahihirapan magligpit. Well andyan naman si Xavier, sya magligpit ng lahat.

Ay. Pamilya na?

I exhaled and pushed that thought away. I don't even know kung anong mangyayari saamin bukas e.

I was reading a manuscript habang nakahiga sa sofa ko sa condo. Maybe I should work from home more often or maybe while still pregnant para tahimik yung buhay ko.

It wasn't for long because someone rang the doorbell. I hate how Xavier's face instantly popped in my head. Anak, we don't miss him okay? "Wait!" I groaned as I struggled to get up to answer the door. I'll be super annoyed if si Xavier to tapos di nalang nya ginamit yung susi nya para pumasok. Babawiin ko nalang kung hindi din naman nya gagamitin. Ay.

I opened the door and Jem, Liv, and Hilda marched in tapos ang dami nilang dala-dala. Liv carried a lot of grocery bags and Hilda and Jem struggled with two wrapped gifts. Christmas na ba? "What the? Anong ginagawa nyo dito?" I asked them and closed the door as they placed the grocery bags sa kitchen counter and yung gifts, by the christmas tree.

"Wala kang karapatang mainis sa pagsugod namin dito." Jem seriously said as she faced me and kumunot yung noo ko. Anong pinagsasasabi nito? Di naman ako naiinis, nagtataka lang ako. "How dare you! Si Franco pa talaga yung unang nakaalam???" She said accusingly at me. Umirap din si Hilda while si Liv thankfully natatawa lang kay Jem. Okay alam ko na. Thank you Franco ha. Ang chismoso mo talaga.

"I was going to tell you guys, okay? Nakalimutan ko lang." I said defensively.

Jem looked at Hilda asking an unspoken question. "No, forgetting is not a pregnancy thing. I think it's a Harper thing." I made a face.

"I disagree. Wala ngang nakakalimutan yan e, lalu na yung galit nya." Hirit ni Liv then she started taking out the things they brought from the grocery bags. Feeling ba nila nagugutom lang ako ng mag isa dito? "Wag ka na ngang sama ng sama kay Franco, nahahawa ka na." Inirapan ko si Liv at what she said. Kahit totoo naman.

"Ohmygod ate! You're having a baby boy!" Hilda obviously was the first to break as she skipped towards me to hug me. I don't think she was even upset na di ko pa sinasabi sa kanila or Franco was the first to know. I think masaya lang sya na kasama na sya sa mga taong siguradong sasabihan ko ng mga bagay tungkol saakin.

Jem finally smiled and gave me a hug as well. Si Liv lumapit din to do the same. "Ohmygod I'm so happy for you! Kahit pinagpapalit mo na kami palagi kay Franco."

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"I see Franco every day kaya sya usually nasasabihan ko about things. And ang chismoso nya diba so nalalaman nyo din naman agad." I shrugged and inirapan ako ni Jem pero alam kong hindi sya galit saakin. I looked over sa groceries na dala nila. "Guys, madami pa kong groceries." I told them.

"We're throwing you a surprise baby shower. Sort of surprise nalang pala. We're all cooking! Well except ikaw kasi they told me you can only fry." Hilda said.

"And you know how to cook." I said sarcastically. No one taught Hilda, Holly and me how to cook. Nasanay kaming pag baba namin, may pagkain na. "Well, I brought cake yun na yung ambag ko. And I'm just making salad, I think I can handle that." They all turned their backs para maghanda na sa kitchen.

"Making a salad is not cooking. I don't want to ask if I can help or something because ayoko talagang tumulong, sorry. Ang hirap maging heavy pregnant lady." I sat on one of the chairs in my counter. Even if I wasn't pregnant, papanoorin ko lang din sila. Cooking is not really my thing, it was Xavier's. Hmmm ayoko na syang isipin.

I just watched them na magluto. Liv was making chicken fillet something and Jem was cooking carbonara. Tinuturuan din nila si Hilda who wanted to learn something she can cook for Nick. Maybe I should pay a closer attention as well? Not that I plan to cook for Xavier, pero di naman pwedeng puro take out yung kainin namin ng anak ko pag malaki na sya.

After a while, the doorbell rang again. Ugggh. Si Xavier nanaman naisip ko! Nakasimangot akong pumunta sa pinto to open it. It was Franco who walked inside carrying a large silver aluminum food container. "Surprise!" He laughed and inirapan ko sya. "Kagagawan mo palagi tong mga ganito no?"

"Si Jem nakaisip nito." He said and nilapag naman nya sa dining table yung aluminum tray which I figured was cooked food. "May iba pa ba akong bisita?" Ooppsss. Wag paasa sa sarili. "Si Holly at yung nanay ko pupunta din ba bigla? Para hindi ako magulat." I quickly added to save myself kahit na hindi ko naman binabanggit yung pangalan ni Xavier sa kanila. I'm so defensive. Against my own thoughts.

"Wala kami lang. Since maiinis ka lang kung madami kami." Natawa si Franco habang bumeso sya kela Liv, Jem and Hilda to greet them. Yeah kasi hindi ko nanaman sya kakausapin if this turns into a sudden baby shower house party. "So nasan si kuya Xavier?" Hilda looked around as if biglang susulpot si Xavier somewhere. "I don't know. We're not together anymore diba sinabi ko na sainyo? Wala syang rason to be here. Ayoko ng ulitin." I was now instantly annoyed. "Chill, I only asked. You're still mad at him? Hindi pa ba kayo nag uusap?" Hilda looked forlorn. Aside from coming clean sa family ko na wala naman talagang girlfriend si Xavier, I told them why we had a falling out. Every one of them, like my dad, told me kailangan namin yon pag usapan ni Xavier. Dahil sinabi din sa kanila ni dad yung mga sinabi ni Xavier nung nag usap silang dalawa.

All of a sudden they were the reasonable ones.

"No, di pa kami nag uusap. I don't want him near me." I cringed. Ay wow.

Franco gave a snort habang tumulong sya don kela Liv and Jem. Inirapan ko sya. "Shut up, Franco."

"Wala naman akong sinasabi ikaw lang yung may iniisip dyan." Annoying.

"Wow so may nangungulila?" Jem asked intrigued. "Wala." Nauubusan nako ng pasensya with this topic.

"Wala namang masama kung aaminin mo na namimiss mo sya. Kayo." Liv said, pero not in a teasing tone. "Hindi nga, okay? Ayoko ng pag usapan please." I told them then they all had knowing looks. Para di ako mapikon at para tigilan na nila yung subject, bumalik ako sa sofa to continue reading. Hihintayin ko nalang silang matapos.

Thankfully during our early dinner iba na yung pinaguusapan namin. Hilda asked a lot of questions about my pregnancy. Franco excused himself and sabi nya may kukunin lang daw sya sa kotse. Uggghhh naiinis ako dahil iniisip ko nanaman na ang kukunin nya talaga si Xavier. Just stop, Harper. You don't even want him here.

Franco returned and he announced na gift giving na daw. That reminded me of Xavier's family. Parang nakakasanay nga yung ganito. My son would have fun occasions with family and friends around him showering him gifts. I turned soft over that thought. Yan anak, pakalmahin mo ko.

Tumayo kami and pumunta sa sala and Liv got glasses and wine. Syempre para sa kanila lang.

Hilda excitedly gave me her gift which was in a large box. "Sorry ate, I panicked kanina nung tumawag si ate Jem about the impromptu baby shower kaya I can't go around the mall ng matagal. Don't worry madami pakong magiging gifts for my pamangkin." I opened it and it was a baby's car seat.

"Thanks, Hilds. Grabe this reminds me na hindi pako nakakapag shopping ng kahit ano for my baby." Medyo nataranta ako deep inside. I should make a list and start buying them. Uggggh ayoko ng sabihin kung sinong naaalala ko sa mga listahan.

"O diba ang perfect ng idea ko. At least mabibigay na namin yung mga regalo namin so alam mo na yung mga hindi mo na kailangan bilhin. Tell me I'm smart." Jem chuckled and handed me her gift. It was a large baby gift basket na sobrang daming laman. May baby bottles, baby onesies, blankets, swaddling clothes at madami pa. "Parang kumpleto na dito palang sa bigay mo. Thank you!" Feeling ko maiiyak nako, malapit na. Seeing all these baby things reminds me that in a few months, I'm going to be a mom already.

"Wait yung akin nasa labas. Ipasok mo na Franco." Liv nudged Franco beside her.

"Pag conjugal yang regalo nyo, maglalaslas na talaga ako sa pagiging single." Jem pouted at Liv's direction.

Then it dawned on me. "Ummm, single din ako. I have always been single. Di naman naging kami ni Xavier." Jem and Hilda looked at me like what I said was ridiculous. "Prone mag drama yung buntis no?" Lumingon si Jem sa kapatid ko. "Heightened emotions, yup."

"Welcome to my world." Franco joined the light banter. "Kunin mo na nga lang yung regalo nyo bago pako tuluyang mainis." I glared at Franco. "Wala pang isang araw na di mo nakita si Arnaiz, nagkakaganyan ka na." Pang asar nyang sabi then nagmadali ng lumabas kasi babatuhin ko na dapat sya ng throw pillow.

"Anong nakita mo dyan kay Franco?" I addressed Liv na natatawa lang. ;"Girl, you dated him first." Touché.

Franco lugged two boxes papasok ng condo. At least hindi nako nag expect na kasama nya si Xavier. But you still thought about him.

"This one's from me." Liv said and tinulungan nya si Franco na ilapit saakin. I got up to open the first box. It was a baby stroller. "Awww thanks Liv! Wala na talaga akong kailangan bilhin!" I hugged her.

"And this is from ninong Franco." Franco pushed the big box towards me. It was bigger than Liv's gift.

"HOY MAY LISTAHAN KA NA DIN NG NINONG AND NINANG WITHOUT TELLING US??" Jem screamed accusing me dahil sa sinabi ni Franco. Natawa ako sa itsura nya. "Chill okay walang listahan and if meron, lahat kayo nandon." "Di ko alam pagalingan pala sa regalo." Jem made a face at Franco. I opened Franco's gift and it was an expensive looking crib. "Thank you Franco! Pero sana binuo mo na din diba? It will take me a week to do this." Pero I was smiling kasi I really loved all their gifts.

"Actually may mag bubuo na nga e. Ayaw mo lang." Nang asar nanaman si Franco. "Nakabuo na kaya." Pumatol naman si Jem and natawa silang apat.

"What happened ba and why are you so irritated with him today?" Hilda asked me. "Everyday, Hilds." I corrected her. My baby kicked as if he protested. Kasi sobrang nakakagigil yung tatay mo, anak, sorry.

"Kasi di nagkakandarapa si Xavier na sundan sya ngayong araw. M. I. A. At yung ate mo ayaw pang aminin na namimiss nya." I scowled at Franco.

"Wait, does he even know you're having a boy?" Liv asked me. Grabe, even if I hate Xavier, di ko naman sya iiwan sa news na yon.

"He does. Kasama ko sya kahapon sa OB ko." I tried saying it casually. Buti wala dito yung nakakapag basa sakin.

"O what happened? All of a sudden di ka nalang nya kinukulit? Weird." I think Liv got everything she knows from Franco. Tapos baka pass the message nalang kela Jem. No wonder naiinis si Jem. Kasi pangatlo pa sya sa hierarchy of information.

"Wala. It's complicated." Casually again.

"Complicated? E wala na ngang icocomplicate pa tong nangyayari sa inyo e." Jem said drinking from her glass. Gusto kong uminom sa mga tinatanong nila saakin.

"Exagge Jem. I can think of at least ten scenarios which can complicate what I have with Xavier more than how it is right now." Like if may girlfriend talaga sya, or if I can't forgive him, or if his family hates me, or if my family can't accept my situation, basta madami pa.

"Si Arnaiz walang nasabi bigla?" Kanina ko pa iniiwasan tong topic na to. Feeling ko dahil nandito na sila, I'll end up telling them what's been bothering me.

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"Was he rendered speechless by the news ate? Was he at least happy?"

Di nako pinasagot ni Jem sa tanong ni Hilda. "We're talking about Xavier here. I may hate what he did to you Harper, pero we got to hand it to him, I think sya ang pinakamasayang tatay over the news that he's going to have a son. Or he's going to have a baby. With you."

On point naman yon. Kung hindi lang ako galit sa kanya when he never doubted that he was the father of the child I was carrying, the way he said it with so much conviction, I would have fallen in love with him all over again.

Bakit, hindi mo na ba sya mahal?

I never stopped loving him.

That's the thing about love and hate. It never goes away easily.

Before anyone else can say anything to Jem, the doorbell rang again and I'm glad si Franco na yung lumapit para buksan since mas malapit sya sa pinto.

"Uy! Nandito na yung mag bubuo ng crib ng anak mo!" I froze.

I turned around to find Xavier entering my condo and he was surprised to see everyone present.

"Hi." He smiled, greeting everyone. Tumayo agad si Hilda and Liv para bumeso while si Jem nakaupo pa rin. Okay at least alam kong may kakampi pako. "Why are you here?" I frowned at him, ignoring my racing heartbeat and my son gave a strong kick inside my belly. Haaay, anak.

"May dala ako for you." He lifted a grocery bag.

"Hindi ko kailangan ng groceries." Don't tell me magluluto din dapat sya.

"Hindi to grocery." He smiled, seemingly excited.

"Yeah, it smells." Hilda cringed her nose nung nakabalik na sila ni Liv and Franco sa couch. Nakatingin sila if lalapit ako kay Xavier. Umirap ako. Fine.

I walked towards him and he handed me the bag. Nakabalot ng newspaper yung laman but Hilda was right, it smells. Pero imbis na lumayo ako, Nag crave nanaman ako.

"You didn't..." I trailed.

"Yup. Umalis ako kaninang umaga. Dapat kanina pa ko dito kaso natraffic ako sa EDSA." Kumapit sya sa batok nya. I could see it in his eyes na pagod sya.

"What? Bakit mo ginawa yon?" He gave me Vigan longganisa na umalis sya kaninang umaga to drive to Vigan to buy it and drove back here. Ang crazy!

"Sabi mo you're craving it e." He shrugged like he didn't find what he just did ridiculous. I did crave it, pero di ko naman sinabing pumunta sya don to buy me. Di ko alam if nakokonsensya ako but suddenly I couldn't turn him away. Okay just this time, Xavier.

"Kumain ka na? May food pa sa table, and if you want to join us after." I said turning to my friends. Hilda, Franco and Liv were smiling while si Jem, poker face lang. Obviously, inis pa rin sya.

"Nag drive thru ako pabalik so medyo busog pa ko. Anong meron?" Naglakad na ko pabalik and sumunod sakin si Xavier.

"Surprise baby shower, pre." Franco answered him. Walang choice si Xavier dahil tumabi ako kay Jem na sinimangutan sya kaya dun sya sa tabi ni Franco umupo.

"Surprise? Buti di nagalit sayo?" Xavier chuckled, resting his head sa sandalan. Mas malala pa ata ang long drive ng balikan with traffic. For longganisa???

Gaga.

For you.

"She was already snarky all day. I wonder why?" Hilda looked at me teasingly and tinignan ko sya ng masama.

Xavier scanned their gifts. "Pre, tulungan mo ko, ibuo na natin yung crib ng inaanak ko." Franco stood up. Ewan ko kung bakit ngayon pa nya niyaya si Xavier, e nakita na nga nyang pagod yung tao. Well, di ko sila pipigilan kasi iisipin pa ni Xavier may pakielam ako sa kanya. Ay wala ba? Lumalabas nga lahat ngayon e.

Xavier stood up and dinala nila yung crib sa kwarto ko para mag umpisa na sila. I told the girls about the longganisa and why I couldn't send Xavier away just yet.

"Effort ah. So, anong hindi mo sinasabi saamin?" Jem asked going back to what we were talking about earlier.

"Right after seeing the ultrasound, he told me he loves me so much." I said in a low voice kasi naka bukas yung pinto ng kwarto ko. "Duh. Alam naman natin yon." Hilda said. "Yeah, but he said it like he wants to get together." I said. "Duh ulit. Di naman nakakagulat yon. Magpupustahan sana kami ni Franco kung babalik pa si Xavier sa Seattle, kaso pareho namin sinabi na hindi e. So anong sinabi mo?" Liv looked at me. Feeling ko alam din nya na wala akong sinabi. Dahil kung meron, I would act differently around Xavier. That or wala dito si Xavier ngayon.

"Wala." I answered her.

"Get back together na ate. Couples go through rough patches, it's normal." Hilda pleaded. "Hindi yon rough patch Hilds. It's just really complicated." Bumabalik nanaman ako sa default na sagot ko. Complicated. "Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this because I hate him talaga, but you need to decide already. Para sa sarili mo and para sa kanya din. If you can forgive him, work on your relationship, pero pag hindi mo na talaga sya gusto, tell him straight. Para maka move on na kayong dalawa. Kasi you're going about this exactly like how you were with your family, sorry Hilda." Jem glanced at Hilda, who took no offense so Jem continued. "Naging bitter ka sa family mo for the longest time and we both know how that has been. How that affected you. You resented them. So don't do that again. Ayusin nyo yung relasyon nyo or walk away from it. Xavier is reasonable and maiintindihan nya kung bakit ayaw mo na. If yun yung pipiliin

mo."

Another thing about love and hate, it can coexist. But only for a while. There will come a time where one will defeat the other one. Tama si Jem, I need to figure my feelings out and what I want to happen with me and Xavier. I need to know if I love him enough for it to negate my hate and completely forget what he did, or my hate will eventually make my love for him disappear.

"Nahugasan ko na yung mga plato and naligpit ko na lahat, do you still need anything?" Xavier entered my room habang nakaupo ako sa kama staring at the crib na binuo nila ni Franco. My friends left a little after setting up all the gifts kasi talagang naexcite sila. Ngayon halos kalahati na ng kwarto ko naoccupy ng mga gamit ng anak namin. Xavier insisted na sya nalang maglilinis and magpahinga nalang daw ako. Kahit sya yung mas kailangan ng pahinga from his all-day driving. "Harper, are you okay?" He asked again and approached me.

"Do you think we'll be great parents?" I looked up to him. Kanina ko pa naiisip yon since natatakot ako na whatever I will decide on will affect our son in the long run. Xavier deeply inhaled and sat down beside me.

"I think it's not going to be easy. But definitely, we'll try to be great parents. And hopefully it will be enough." ;It wasn't really reassuring, pero it was true. We'll both definitely try. I could only nod. "We still have two months bago natin maramdaman na hindi talaga natin alam yung ginagawa natin bilang magulang." He joked, but it was also true.

"You should rest, Harper. Uuwi nako." Umakbay sya sakin and hinimas nya yung likod ko to comfort my thoughts. "Don't worry too much about it, you'll be great."

Tumayo na sya to leave.

"Xavier, thank you. For cleaning up and for the longganisa dahil nahirapan ka pa sa pagdrive mo all the way to Vigan." I didn't mean to frown, I just want to let him know na hindi naman nya yun kailangan gawin dahil I'm just this crazy pregnant lady. With crazy hormones.

"Anything for you, Harper." He smiled. It was a very Xavier thing to say and I internally smiled over that.

I don't know why I said it, pero right now it was the only thing I wanted. "Xavier, do you want to stay over?"