Saving Harper

It was morning the following day and I found myself tangled in Xavier's arms, buti nalang he's still sleeping soundly. Sorry, loudly actually. How did I manage to sleep through this before? His exhaustion sa pag drive ng balikan to and from Vigan was evident sa hilik nya. Ilang beses akong nagising in the middle of the night over it. The first one, I didn't mind kasi I was barely asleep yet, but the second and third and fourth time was something else. I tried nudging him para at least tumigil but that didn't work so ilang beses ko syang sinipa hanggang gumalaw sya to momentarily stop snoring para makatulog ulit ako. And I think the reason partly why I stir in the middle of the night kasi alam kong sya yung katabi ko and napapayakap ako sa kanya. I rearranged myself every time I wake up but I still somehow wind up back in his arms.

I decided to get up. Mas mabuting ako nalang yung nakaka alam ng pag yakap ko sa kanya kesa mauna pa syang magising with me in his arms and that will just give him the chance to gloat. And it was too hot anyway, even if the aircon was already turned to the lowest temperature. Normal daw that I would feel hot all the time.

I was already hungry, no surprise there, and naexcite na kong kainin yung pasalubong ni Xavier last night. I was in the middle of frying scrambled eggs when Xavier trudged out of the bedroom, putting on his black shirt. I took a deep breath. I wanted to ignore the feeling that I really missed seeing him here, like this. Waking up in the same place.

"Good morning." He boyishly smiled and lumapit sya to see what I was cooking-eggs, longganisa (a lot of those), and garlic rice. I think it was more of a past habit at dahil kakagising lang nya, he leaned in to kiss me but I moved away. My heart raced over it.

Narealize din nya yung ginawa nya. "Sorry." So instead he turned around to brew coffee. Hindi ko talaga pinag isipan yung pag aya ko sa kanya na dito mag stay last night because now I'm struggling to think of something to make this morning less awkward. Less talk could work Harper.

"Thanks for letting me stay over. Kala ko umalis ka na e." Xavier proceeded to set up the table for breakfast. My heart sank over another distant memory that we used to do this every day before work.

I shook my head to get rid of that thought. "Umm, condo ko to."

"I thought that's how much you hate me." He handed me a serving plate for the eggs habang sya na yung kumuha ng rice. I looked at him. Yes, yes, Harper bagay sya dito, now move on. "Close. Ilang beses kitang sinipa kagabi para lang tumigil kang humilik, I hope at least you felt those." I sneered.

Xavier nodded slowly and gave me a look na parang hindi nya naramdaman yon, pero may iba syang alam. The look he used to give me countless times when alam nyang I'm just denying something. "Sabi ko naman sayo pwede naman akong matulog sa couch..." Muntik na nyang ituloy sa 'pero sinabi mong dun nalang ako sa tabi mo', but changed his mind because something tells him na pag sinabi pa nya yon, ngayon pa lang paaalisin ko na sya dito. Good decision for him. Tumalikod na ko sa kanya without answering and I flushed remembering what I said last night.

It was drunk me all over again, the one who almost begged him to stay with me that drunken night. Now was way worst because I don't have the excuse of being dead drunk. Temporary pregnancy insanity? Pwede. I seem to have those all the time lalu na nung bumalik sya dito and shook my equilibrium once again.

We started eating. "Ang sarap ah, may secret ingredient ba to?" OA. Kanin lang naman talaga yung ginawa ko and it's just garlic rice, everything else was just frying.

"Oo. Letter L nagsisimula."

"Love?" He grinned.

I smiled mockingly. "Lason."

"Sweet mo talaga. Kaya mahal na mahal kita e." He grinned wider and inirapan ko sya. And because I just don't want to answer that. "Teka, hindi ka ba papasok today?"

"Nope. I don't feel like going to the office." I already texted Franco and buti nalang din wala naman akong urgent na kailangan gawin don ngayon. "I think I want to go sa mall. Their gifts last night made me realize na wala pa tayong nabibili for our baby." Maybe I should have Xavier draw up a list?

"Harper, iniimbita mo ba ko?" He eyed me playfully. Ugggh.

"Hindiiiii. Kasi kayang-kaya kong mag buhat diba?" I made a face. He's only pushing his luck na sasabihin ko out loud that I wanted him to come. I'd be annoyed at myself if I did say it aloud, tama na yung naka isang moment ako ng katangahan kagabi.

Katangahan ba talaga, Harper? It felt all too natural for you. How long are you going to fight this? You're spectacularly losing by the way.

"Ummm, may gamit pa ba ako dito? Or sinunog mo na lahat?" I think nahalata nyang wala yung framed photo ko na binigay nya when he left. He couldn't have possibly skimmed through all my clothes para hanapin pa yung mga tshirts, pants and jackets nyang naiwan dito.

"No I returned them all sa condo mo. Haven't you been there yet?" Lahat binalik ko along with every other thing that will remind me of what happened to us. Except the framed sketch given by Tiff and Ivan and the Daniel Dela Cruz sculpture. Yon di ko talaga ibabalik. And there's another thing I didn't have the heart to return, the charm bracelet he gave. Di ko na sinusuot but just thinking about returning it breaks my heart.

Pero nakalimutan mo ba lahat ng gusto mong kalimutan Harper? Hindi din.

"Sa bahay ako pinag stay nila mommy. Namiss yata nila ako. Buti pa sila." A small smile played on his lips.

"I'm sure may gamit ka naman sa kotse mo."

"Wow natatandaan." He teased. Ang annoying nya. Anak, bakit ba ganito yung tatay mo?? Shit. I have a feeling our son will grow up to be just like him. Annoying?

No. Charming. And will break a lot of hearts.

"Buntis ako Xavier, wala akong amnesia. Wag ka nalang sumama." I impatiently said. Xavier just gave me his usual amused smile. If mamana to ng anak namin, every girl would fall for him. Effortlessly. Like I did with his father. Feeling ko para akong nakakawala somewhere at first time ko ulit mag mall. Either I went overboard with shopping for baby stuff or I immensely enjoyed watching Xavier struggle over carrying everything. Both.

"Harper, I think ok na lahat ng binili natin. Pag dinagdagan pa natin pwede ng mabuhay mag isa yung anak natin sa sarili nyang condo." Xavier said. "Saan pala natin ilalagay tong lahat?" I swallowed. Oo nga naman. My bedroom was big, but I need to make more space para sa anak namin and sa mga gamit nya. Xavier has a point on our son needing his own condo dahil sa gamit nya, at wala pa yung mga magiging regalo ng mga tao once someone throws a baby shower. "I'll move around my stuff sa kwarto." I said. "I think I will need to redo my whole condo dahil hindi nalang ako yung titira don." I may have to get rid of a lot of stuff kasi soon enough, toys will pour in. By that time baka kailangan ko na kumuha ng mas malaking condo with at least 2 bedrooms.

"Baby, are you asking me to move in?" Nanlaki yung mata ko. I wasn't implying that! Natawa si Xavier sa reaction ko and inirapan ko sya. Bwiset. Nanghuhuli nanaman sya.

"Eto, seryoso na Harper. Can you consider what I said earlier?" Anong earlier? That he moves in??? "Yung tungkol sa bahay. I have a house. We can just live there, lalu na pag dating ng baby natin."

Wow, like one big happy family. Pero hindi ba yun yung gusto mo Harper?

"You're going back to Seattle, Xavier." I paused sa paglalakad and I looked at him. He looks triggered. "Harper, don't..." I didn't let him finish. I think kailangan na namin talaga tong pag usapan. "We need to talk about everything." I finally said. The whole car ride going back sa condo was silent. I quickly glance at Xavier and nakakunot yung noo nya while driving. He's not thinking about what to say to me. Kahit dati naman he was always able to say anything to me. Kaya din siguro ako galit na galit dun sa sulat nya. Di sya nagsasalita ngayon kasi he's contemplating what I was going to say. I diverted my eyes to watch the traffic. What am I going to say? Everything. He deserves it.

Nung naka park na kami and as I prepared to go down, hinawakan ni Xavier yung braso ko so napatigil ako. I looked at him waiting for him to talk.

"Harper, will you marry me?" What??? Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, waiting for a punchline. Wala. His face reflect seriousness. Although I detect a bit of? Ano yun? Worry? Fear? In his eyes. But why? Kasi alam nyany katangahan tong ginagawa nya?

"No." I frowned and his face fell. Unbelievable. "I can't believe you're proposing to me in your car, Xavier! Well, you can propose anywhere so I take it back. I can't believe you're proposing to me ng hindi pa nga tayo okay! You don't even have a ring! Your proposal doesn't change anything..." I trailed and he spoke up.

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"I'm sorry. Hear me out okay? I don't know what will happen pag akyat natin sa taas para mag usap. I can lose you. Or not. But the thing is, I can lose you, Harper. So before I do, I have to at least try and ask you to marry me. At least I get to ask that question, bago tayo matapos." He struggled kasi I can see na naiiyak na sya.

Gusto ko na din umiyak. Not like this, Xavier. "Akyat na tayo and let's talk, ok?" I squeezed his hand and lumabas na sa car. Tinulungan ko na syang iakyat yung mga binili namin.

I was mostly speechless at what Xavier said. He seems to be always so sure with everything. Confident. I mean kaya nga sya nandito halos every day, because he knows that he can win me back, right? That's why he's always teasing me kasi hinihintay nya lang ako bumigay. I was just always fighting it.

Maybe I got it all wrong. Parang nandito sya all the time because he's really afraid that he's going to lose me.

I remembered that same fear. That was the reason why when he left I was so distraught, because my fear was realized. My fear of losing him.

When we entered the condo and pag tapos namin ilapag yung mga pinamili namin, wala pa rin sinasabi si Xavier. I sat down sa may sofa, di ko din naman alam paano maguumpisa. But I already delayed this further. Tama si Jem, we need to move forward instead of being stuck not knowing kung anong mangyayari saamin. And I don't want to feel bitter anymore. Or act like I am.

"Harper, is it okay if ako na yung mauna?" He asked as he sat down across me.

Okay thank god for what he said since I still need to organize my thoughts. I don't even know where to start. At least if sya yung magsisimula, I'll have a spring board to start on what I want to say. "First of all, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry about the letter and how I left. I'm sorry kasi alam kong nasaktan kita ng sobra dahil don. It wasn't my smartest decision at that time and I didn't mean for everything to be construed like how it was. Na iniwan kita. I was afraid na you'll eventually resent me if the only thing you'll be doing is wait. You will resent all the broken promises I will be making, all the important moments and opportunities na palalagpasin mo for me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing na lahat yun you will sacrifice dahil nag hihintay ka saakin. Or iiwan mo lahat ng meron ka or pwede mong makuha para sakin. You pushed me to do something significant sa buhay ko and it will be at the expense of yours. Ayoko non dahil you deserve everything in this life. It was probably with the way I said it, and it's my fault. Alam ko naman yon and I'll accept the consequences sa lahat ng ginawa ko. Naiintindihan ko kung hanggang ngayon galit ka pa rin and you can't forgive me just yet. I respect that and I'll wait for you, if you can still find it in you to forgive me." He paused.

I can see that his next words were far more harder to say. "If you tell me that you don't want me in your life anymore, I will umm, respect it was well." Parang ayaw nyang sabihin yon. Hindi ko din naman yon gustong marinig. Masakit din for me. "Pero hangga't hindi mo sasabihin saakin na wala na akong pag asa, I will fight for you until whatever end. Even if you tell me that I only have a 1% chance, I'll take it. Uunti-untiin kong paghihirapan na gawin lahat para patawarin, tanggapin, at mahalin mo ulit ako. So please tell me that I still have a 1% chance. I love you, Harper. Ikaw lang. You're the only one I want to spend my whole life loving. If sasabihin mo saakin na wala na akong pag asa, I will still love you but I will leave you alone. The only thing I will ask is that you will give me a chance to be a father to our son."

I think he was done. I've always known he was sorry na nasaktan nya ko, and I know na hindi nya yon sinadya. It's always easier for m to hate or magalit than to forgive. It was the story of my life. It's time to change that.

It was now my turn to say my side. "I hated you, Xavier. I hated the letter. I hated the way you left me. It felt that you took away every happiness na pinaramdam mo saakin when we were together nung umalis ka and I was left alone. Sa sobrang galit ko sayo, I refused to understand the reason and intention you had sa sulat mo. Why you wanted me to live my life instead of wasting away my two years waiting for you. Alam ko naman na if you didn't say all of those things, waiting is all I will ever do. I started to understand more when I began to live. I was happy when I was traveling and I got to experience everything when I was out of my comfort zone. Ayoko man aminin, but you were right."

I looked back at the things I was able to experience when I moved on from my loneliness. I visited a lot of places and was exposed to different cultures that I wouldn't leisurely visit or do without Xavier. If we were okay, maghihintay pa rin ako. My trip also paved the way for me to get to know my mom's childhood, and if hindi ko yun nalaman, baka we're still not talking. If I didn't leave, I wouldn't realize how I've always used my comfort zone as my security blanket. Xavier knew I would be happy discovering new places and things, ayaw ko lang talaga aminin non at that time because I was so hurt.

"Despite that, I still hated you. Tignan mo nalang how I wanted to get away from you nung dumating ka. I almost jumped out of the window." I meant to say it comically pero napasimangot ng todo si Xavier sa sinabi ko. Yup, I was crazy and it was wrong. Sorry, anak. Someday you'll understand that love can make you insane. Or rather, yung mga babaeng maiinlove sayo yung maloloka if you're going to grow up to be like your father.

"I think nasabi ko na sayo to, I believe you Xavier. I believe that you're sorry and you didn't mean for me to get hurt. I think what I really hated was myself. Kasi despite what you did, I couldn't hate you to a great extent. I tried. I keep telling myself that I hate you. I felt a lot of things dahil sa ginawa mo. I was furious, sad, hurt, depressed, for a while I felt numb, I basically went through all the stages of grief. The most overwhelming of those emotions was my anger because of the pain. But I couldn't really bring myself to hate you enough to want you out of my life. I couldn't do that. I hated the fact na kahit galit na galit ako, mahal na mahal parin kita. I didn't want to see you pero pag wala ka ikaw lang din yung gusto kong makita and makasama. So if you're asking if there's a 1% chance, it's really more than that."

I chose not to fight this anymore. It's pointless to fight it. No matter how hard I try to hide what I was still feeling for him behind piles of other emotions, it's there. Hindi mabura-bura. From the start I wasn't able to deny how much I was already falling in love with Xavier and it's no different now. He always had me.

"I don't think I can ever love someone else kahit siguro subukan ko." I bit my lip. Why do I suddenly feel na umaamin nanaman ako for the second time around na mahal ko sya? Because ganon talaga nangyayari ngayon, Harper. "Bakit mo naman susubukan yon?" Naka simangot nanaman sya. Hay, why so serious Xavier?

"Seriously, ang dami kong sinabi but you only focused on the last thing I mentioned? Kahit pabor pa yun sayo?" Iba. Well, nainlove ka dyan e.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're loving the book, nel5s.org is where the adventure continues. Join us for the complete experience-all for free. The next chapter is eagerly waiting for you! Xavier stood up and tumabi na sya saakin and took me in his arms, where I've always belonged. "Tayo na ba ulit?" He whispered as he inhaled my neck.

"Hindi naman naging tayo." I chuckled. For the first time, I didn't say that bitterly.

Xavier straightened himself. "Aray. Okay, I think it's about time we correct that. Will you be my girlfriend, Harper Javier?"

"Teka! Di pa tayo tapos wag kang excited masyado. May condition pako."

Xavier eyed me. "Why do I feel pag aawayan natin to?" Tama sya. He wouldn't like what I was about to say. "Please go back to Seattle to finish your masters." Xavier groaned.

"No, Harper. Please don't ask that. I want to be with you and gusto kong nandito ako for our son's birth. Please don't take that away from me."

"Love, I'm due in two months pa, at the least, it will give you time to come back to be here pag nanganak ako." I argued.

"No. Gusto ko nandito lang ako. May next year pa naman and I can transfer. I already called UST and I can enroll next school year sa master's program nila."

"E di I'm not going to be your girlfriend." I shrugged. I can't believe I was saying this. Xavier stood up and he frustratingly paced around. Alam ko na nag iisip na sya ng counter offer nya. He groaned again and continued pacing around. "Okay, I'll go back to Seattle. Pero next school year na. You didn't say exactly when. Sabi mo lang bumalik ako." He looked smug na nakalimutan ko yun.

Umirap ako. "It's my condition Xavier. You're going back there after Christmas break. If you refuse, sorry I won't be your girlfriend." Xavier groaned again.

"You are really impossible. Sure ka bang hindi ka na galit saakin? Kasi parang nagugustuhan mo ng itaboy ako." He looked desperate. "May gusto ka pa ba bukod don?" He stopped pacing and humarap saakin. Mukhang ready na syang ibigay yung gusto ko.

Ano pa bang gusto ko? "Wala, that's it. I just really want you to finish what you started in Seattle. It's for our son. For us." As it always was.

"Since grabe yung hinihingi mo saakin, pwede bang may condition din ako?" Okay, deliks, mukhang may nakita na syang way out. "As long as you promise me na babalik ka don."

"Yes. I'll finish everything as you wanted. Di ko lalagyan ng loophole yung pag punta ko don." He was starting to look really positive. Parang dapat kabahan nako. What can he ask from me e sakanya nako? Move in sa bahay nya? I think I'm fine with that kailangan naman talaga namin yung space. Be with him in Seattle? I can do that as well. If he asks me not to go there, pwede din naman as long as ok na kami, finally. I can also easily promise now that I can still try to live my life habang nandun sya even without traveling kasi I'm not going to leave our son. Parang unfair pala yung hinihingi ko sa kanya? But this time around we'll make it work. This time around, wala ng ending saamin.

It was now my turn to eye him. "Okay fine. Anong condition mo?"

A smile played in his lips. Yun lang yung hinihintay nyang itanong ko. "Marry me."