Saving Harper

I wasn't able to apologize to Xavier because pag labas ko ng kwarto after talking to my dad, wala na sya. My mom said Xavier apologized to her, Holly, and Hilda and then left. Mukhang nahiya daw dahil dun sa nangyari and feeling nya I needed more time to talk privately with my family. I felt guiltier because of that.

Bakit may plano ka bang hindi sya paalisin?

No, but I could've apologized for my foolishness.

Maybe it's not a good time for me to see him again bilang ang dami ko pang galit sa kanya. I will just keep acting out if we're together, pregnancy hormones or not.

I stared at the beautifully lit christmas tree na tinayo ni Xavier contemplating a lot of things but mainly if I could forgive him. Whenever I get the idea of forgiveness naaalala ko nanaman yung letter nya and how much I cried over it. Sya naman mismo nagsabi na forgiving takes time, lalu na if hindi ka pa ready to give it. As of now, I'm not ready. In fact, gigil parin talaga ako over it. Naiintindihan ko why he said all of those things, and maybe even the part that he has to let go of me, but it doesn't mean I liked it or it's okay with me. I haven't made my peace with that yet.

When that time comes, mahal ko pa kaya sya?

Sa kakaisip ko sa kanya kagabi, napanaginipan ko sya. Well fine, sya lang naman napapanaginipan ko every damn night.

I was glad Monday na kinabukasan since it also means I have work to distract me. Currently, it's the only thing that remains stable in my life. Sa office wala pang nakakaalam na buntis ako, save Franco. I've made it a point to lay off tight tops and dresses that will announce my growing bump. Di pa din ako sure if I should let them know. Hindi naman ako obligado, pero secretly tinatago ko kasi wala na dun si Xavier. I don't want them thinking na I'm this poor pregnant woman na naiwan ng boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that, pero nakakalungkot lang.

As I was getting dressed parang feeling ko mas mahirap ng itago yung tyan ko ngayon. Totoo ba talaga that the more people you tell that you're pregnant, the more it will show? Harper, buntis ka, of course lalaki yung tyan mo!

I decided to go with a dress pero di na nya masyadong matago yung tyan ko. Hahayaan ko nalang silang mag isip na tumataba ako or whatever they want to think about. I also wore flats dahil ang sakit na din mag heels, bumibigat na din ako ng sobra. Anak kasi, kain ka ng kain.

I opened my bedroom door slowly and peeked. There was no one. Okay, wala yung tatay mong trespasser.

I got my bag, laptop and car keys and went on my way. Nasa elevator pa lang ako pababa ng parking area, nararamdaman ko na yung gutom ko. OMG ka anak, what's with the appetite? Later na. Maybe I should drive-thru? Kaso pagagalitan ako nila mommy and tita Tanya since nagbilin na sila for me to lay off greasy and unhealthy food.

I was busy thinking of what food to have delivered for breakfast when I felt someone take my laptop bag. I should scream, but my first instinct was to hit the guy with my handbag. And so I did with a full-force swing. Nandito lahat ng files ko omg! Parang gusto ko nalang iabot yung bag ko sa kanya in exchange for my laptop.

"GUARDDDDD!!" I finally screamed.

"Harper!" I stopped mid-swing as I prepared to hit the culprit again with my handbag. I lowered my bag to see Xavier leaning away from me shielding his head with his arms.

"What the hell Xavier?!?!?!" I screamed at him. "You almost gave me a heart attack!" Kahit hindi naman. OA lang ako dahil nakita ko na sya to. At medyo thankful din ako na hindi magnanakaw talaga, pero kinabahan ako don.

"I'm sorry! Kanina pa kita tinatawag, akala ko sadyang hindi mo ko pinapansin but I saw that certain look you get kapag nagsespace out ka." He finally straightened himself. "Masakit ba?" I feigned concern. Best actress.

"Hindi naman. It's o-" I hit him again with my bag na tumama sa ulo nya since he was unable to shield himself. "Ow!" He said loudly clutching the side of his head.

"I'm not sorry. That's for scaring me!" I frowned at him.

"Sorry, babe." Inirapan ko sya even if he sounded sincere. "Stop calling me babe. What are you doing here anyway??" I started walking towards my car.

"Ipagdadrive kita." I could feel him following. "No thanks." I dismissed him.

"Harper please, kahit gawin mo kong utusan buong araw, I just want to be with you." I turned to him. "Tempting, but no thanks." Wow ang strong. Kala mo hindi sya laman ng mga panaginip ko. Uggghhh.

I walked away. "Okay if ayaw mo talaga. At least let me carry your things please?" He begged. Fine. I let him take my laptop bag and handbag. Bakit mukha syang papasok sa office? Though he normally dress casually for work before pero ngayon dala din nya yung usual leather messenger bag nya.

"May pupuntahan ka?" I asked eyeing his bag. Why do you care about his stupid bag anyway? "I told you, ipagdidrive sana kita." He smiled at me. "Magdidrive lang may bag pa?" I couldn't help maging pakielamera. I was kinda curious. Wow sa "kinda", Harper. He looked at his bag. "May ibibigay kasi ako sayo." He didn't let go of his smile. He's being annoyingly cheery. Masaya ata syang tinataboy ko sya.

"You can just put my things sa front seat." Nagmamatigas parin ako, kahit na when he said na he'll drive me, my feet said a silent thank you. I'm starting to hate driving. I can see yung mabilis na lungkot that passed his eyes nung narinig nyang I was still unwilling to let him drive me. Sumunod naman sya and placed my things sa passenger seat sa harap and sumakay nako sa driver side.

I can see him from my peripheral view taking something from his bag and nilapag din nya sa seat. It was a tupperware. "Ano yan?" I asked, curious again. "Breakfast ng babies ko. Ingat ka sa pag drive. Seatbelt." Kumindat sya and smiled then closed the door to let me drive off. I maneuvered my way out of my parking slot and napatingin ulit ako sa tupperware. It had a note in it.

Breakfast for my two favorite persons in the world. Enjoy work, my love. I, X

I groaned aloud and stopped the car. I could see Xavier from my rearview mirror watching from the place he was standing when I left. Tangina Harper, sana hindi mo to pagsisihan.

I got out and faced him and inirapan ko sya. Then I walked around the front passenger seat, leaving the driver's side door open. Siguro naman he knows what it means.

I got my things and transferred them sa likod sinabayan nya ko to do the same with his bag. Pag sakay ko, he was smiling widely while looking at me, the usual look he gives pag parang nanalo sya ng kala mo kung ano or saan. "Stop smiling and don't look at me." I said ng pasungit. "Yes, boss." He answered and sumunod naman sya. Annoying.

When he tried to talk to me, binuksan ko yung radyo ko and nilakasan ko so he just shut his mouth. The whole car ride di ko sya tinitignan. Ng naka harap. I secretly glance at him from time to time. Whyyyy? Why does him being here next to me bring so much familiarity? So much longing? Lalu na when I started to smell his scent that I absolutely love. And miss.

"Huy Xavier! Bilis mo naman bumalik ka na agad?" Brian greeted him loudly. Oh boy, here we go again. Dati pag sabay kaming pumapasok ni Xavier nasanay nakong madaming bumabati sa kanya na officemates namin. Pero ngayon it became really annoying. Lalu na when I heard the high-pitched pacute voices of the girls in the office who also ran to him to greet him for being back here. Autograph, gusto nila??

Tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa office ko not bothering to wait for him anymore. He was able to follow me after a few seconds. "Bakit kailangan para kang nangangandidato?" I commented as he handed me my laptop bag and placed my bag and food on my desk. "Wala kang kailangan ikaselos Harper. Ikaw lang talaga for me." He joked and I cringed. "Asa. Di ka ganun ka gwapo." I retorted. He was about to comment something so I gave him a deathly glare. Alam ko na ihihirit nanaman nya na dati nasabi ko na na sobrang gwapo nya. Ugggh. Anak, bakit ba ganito tong tatay mo?

"Talagang dito ka lang?" I asked him as I opened my laptop and settled on my seat. Ayoko ng itanong yung sarili ko kung anong gusto kong maging sagot nya. "Yup. Bodyguard ng baby natin. Eat, Harper." He winked at me again and umupo sya sa couch ko. Anong gagawin nya dito all day??? Well, it's not your problem Harper.

What he said gave me an idea. Tumayo ako and took the food he gave me. "O saan ka pupunta?"

"You want me to eat diba? I usually have breakfast with Franco." Kahit hindi naman. "So pupunta ako sa kanya. Stay here for as long as you want." Xavier frowned but bit his lower lip, pinipigilan nyang mag salita about what I said. Kitang-kita naman yung inis nya sa mata nya. So sinong nagseselos ngayon?

I gave a satisfying smile as soon as I closed the door behind me. Nagtataka si Jenny kung bakit ganon yung ngiti ko pag labas ng kwarto so kumunot yung noo ko sa kanya and pumasok nako sa office ni Franco.

"Yes?" He asked greeting me as soon as nakita nyang ako yung pumasok.

"I need to use your room to eat." I shrugged and dumeretcho ako sa ref nya to get one of his stashed mango juices. Feeling ko binibili lang nya yon for me. I sat down in front of him. I should get a ref, di ko alam bakit hindi ko din yon naisip dati since halos dito nako nakatira sa office.

Franco watched me as I opened the lid sa tupperware and ohmygod the smell of adobo and rice is so heavenly. "Bibigyan mo ba ko nyan?" He peeked at my food dahil naamoy din nya.

"No, I'm feeding another person diba? Wag mo gutumin yung inaanak mo." I laughed lightly. I started eating and sobrang sarap!!! Napapikit pa ko. Shit I missed this as well.

"So bakit dito ka kumakain kung magdadamot ka lang?" He started typing.

"May asungot sa office ko." I answered habang kumakain. Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay probably wondering kung sino yun. "Bumalik na si Xavier." I told him then sumubo ulit. Nanlaki yung mata nya at what I said. Yup, same. "At nandyan sya sa kwarto mo ngayon? Anong nangyari? Okay na kayo?"

"Would I be hiding in here kung ok na kami?" I started telling him everything since the family dinner I had with Xavier's family kung saan sya dumating. Franco laughed out loud nung sinasabi ko sa kanya yung sa pag attempt kong tumalon sa bintana and yung pag laglag ko kay Xavier sa pamilya ko. Classic Harper daw. Irita.

Tumayo sya. Alam ko na na plano nyang batiin si Xavier sa kwarto ko. "I wouldn't go there if I were you."

"O bakit naman?" Nagtataka sya sa sinabi ko.

"Nagseselos sya sayo, so I don't know kung anong magiging reaction nya pag nakita ka nya." I chuckled. I was too happy sa kinain ko and sa pag seselos ni Xavier.

"Anong sinabi mo sa kanya Harper?" Franco eyed me accusingly.

"Hoy wala no. Sya tong assumero. Feeling ko he thinks I gave you another chance. But sorry di ko dineny, well wala naman din kasi syang sinasabi to begin with. Assumero lang talaga." I smiled at that and Franco was displeased at me. "Baliw ka din talaga e. Mamaya abangan ako nyan sa labas. Ikaw talaga ipanghaharang ko." Umupo sya ulit.

"Takot ka naman masyado. Don't worry, I'll tell him to stay away from you." I said smugly. Gets na nya agad na nang aabuso ako ng powers ko over Xavier.

"You're enjoying this are you?" Franco wasn't really asking and alam nya naman yung sagot. "Na itaboy sya every chance I get? Maybe. Medyo satisfying." I answered. "Bakit 'medyo satisfying' lang? Kasi half-hearted ka sa pag taboy mo sa kanya?" He teased. Parang nabubuhayan si Franco over this, na finally maiinis na nya ko ulit about Xavier ng mas maiirita ako because he's actually here. "Medyo lang because I haven't had any success." I pouted. I'll make that my goal. "Alam mo seeing you now, I think you like him being here. More specifically being around you." I made a face sa sinabi nya.

"Ohmygod! Gigil na gigil kaya ako sa pagmumukha nya. Every time I look at him gusto kong ugggg-" I made a gesture na parang may nilulukot sa harap ko habang nang gigigil.

Franco looked at me na parang aliw na aliw sya sakin. "Baka namiss mo lang talaga sya. Aminin mo nalang Harper." I cringed. Pero oo. A big part of me does but at the same time that big part of me also wants to hit him where it will hurt the most para sa ginawa nya.

"Or baka sakanya ka naglilihi!" Franco pointed like it was the obvious thing about my gigil and not the hatred I was feeling.

"Never akong naglihi alam mo yan." I reminded him. Hinihintay namin yon pareho e, but I didn't seem to have crazy and weird cravings. Gutom lang talaga ako palagi.

"Malay mo hinihintay lang sya ng kung ano mang nandyan sa pregnant mong katawan kaya ngayon ka lang naglilihi. Sa kanya pa." Tuloy si Franco sa pang iinis sakin. In reality it wouldn't be too bad if kay Xavier talaga ako naglilihi, pero dahil naiirita ako sa kanya, naiirita din ako dun sa possibility na ganun nga yung nangyayari ngayon.

Tumambay pa ko ng konti sa office ni Franco para lang mainis ko si Xavier. And true enough, di na mapinta yung pagmumukha nya when I got back in my office.

"Ang sarap daw nung adobo sabi ni Franco. Thank you." I smiled sweetly and napa singhal sya. But I know he wouldn't ask me anything just yet.

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"Pinakain mo sa kanya?" He asked, trying hard not to be upset or jealous about it.

"I shared. Baka kasi may gayuma e."

"Di ko kailangan non." I hoped he meant for it to be a joke.

I pretended I didn't hear him then nagtrabaho nako. Syempre like before, it wasn't easy to ignore Xavier kaya thankful din ako na lumabas sya sa office ko after an hour or two and dun lang talaga ako nakapag trabaho ng maayos. He was probably parading around the office to talk to everyone.

"Can you order me lunch please?" I asked Jenny after she placed some manuscripts on my table.

"Wag na Jenny, I got it." Xavier suddenly spoke up. Dumating sya and ang dami nyang dalang paper bags. Ay nag grocery?

Kilig na kilig namang lumabas yung secretary namin dahil nandito na si Xavier.

"Gutom na yung baby?" He asked me. Di ko alam kung trap yung tanong nya. Feeling ko pag sumagot ako ng oo aasarin nya na ako talaga yung "baby" or something to that effect. Pero gutom nanaman ako. Grabe ka anaaaakkkk. Obese ka na pag labas mo.

"Gutom na yung anak mo." I replied at kahit di ko sya tignan alam kong nakangiti sya at what I just said. I want to wipe off his smile. He busied himself sa paghahain nung food sa coffee table ko so tumayo na din ako as soon as the smell of food became unbearable to ignore. Xavier bought a lot of Japanese food. Like a lot. "Ohmygod bakit ang dami?"

"Hindi ko kasi alam if nag bago yung mga favorite mo kasi buntis ka so binili ko lahat." He handed me chopsticks and umupo nako sa sofa. I didn't even know I was craving this. I hate that he knows it. Anak wag ka naman masyadong matuwa sa tatay mo. Sya ba talaga or ikaw, Harper?

"Maybe we should invite Franco baka feel nya din mag Japanese food." I tried saying that without smiling. Sumimangot sya. "Nadaanan ko sya nasa meeting pa sya sa boardroom." Irita yung boses nya.

"Selos" I said under my breath and I think he heard it.

"Is there something going on between you and Franco?" Hindi na nya natiis. Sayang just when I was starting to enjoy Xavier's seloso mode. I can always lie, pero ayoko na din mapahamak si Franco sa kagagahan ko. Especially dahil di ko alam how Xavier will react if I say yes.

"Not that it's any of your business anymore, pero wala. Hindi ko nga alam kung saan mo napulot yung idea na yan."

Napag isip sya for a while. "Now I know it was stupid. Sa IG post mo. Yung baby pala na sinasabi mo is literally our baby and not you. Akala ko at that time ikaw yung tinatawag nyang baby." Sumubo nalang ako ng tempura para hindi ako masyadong mapangiti sa sinasabi nya. "Alam mo ba na yun yung rason kung bakit ako napauwi ng maaga?" He scratched his chin, I think he's finally glad na wala na syang ikakaselos. Sad for me. Well, I can just find something else to push his buttons with.

"So napauwi ka ng maaga dahil nagselos ka?" I should have done that earlier. Pero then again, ayoko din naman syang umuwi. What he's doing there was far more important.

"That and I miss you." Asa syang sasabihin kong namiss ko sya.

I frowned and continued eating. Gusto ko na sya paalisin sa mga pinagsasasabi nya. "What else do you want to eat? Any cravings?" He asked me smiling as I chewed. I'm glad he changed the topic. "Di ko pa nga nadidigest tong pinapakain mo sakin, pagkain nanaman?" I answered him.

"Di naman kailangan pagkain yung cravings mo. Pwedeng lugar or kaya... pwedeng tao." Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. ASA KA MASYADO XAVIER. "Come to think of it I am craving something." I said slowly, eyeing his body, biting my lower lip. "You only have to ask, Harper." He could see na tinitignan ko yung katawan nya. Aminado akong nahihirapan ako on that department, pero kayang-kaya ko pa namang tiisin since I have been celibate since umalis sya, di ko lang alam kung hanggang saan ko kakayanin with all this hormones and dahil nandito na sya. And sa totoo lang, if I am going to have sex again, it's going to be with Xavier. Nandidiri akong iimagine na gagawin ko yun with someone else. Tatay naman sya ng anak ko, or maybe one for the road? Or pantanggal lang ng galit ko sa kanya?

"For the whole week... I would love to have some..." I trailed. Natatawa ako sa anticipation nya because of the way I said it and I was still looking at his chest. Hanggang imagination nalang ako dahil papanindigan ko to. "Vigan longganisa." I finished.

He pretended not to be surprised and I controlled my small laugh. "As in yung galing Vigan ha. I've tried yung dito binibili and I didn't like it, so I'll know if dito binili." Kahit hindi ko naman ginawa yun. But ngayon ko lang narealize na I really want Vigan longganisa. From Vigan.

"Yun lang?" He's fishing if may iba pa.

"Yup. Yun lang." I smiled. Good luck with that, Arnaiz.

"Wala ng iba?"

"Wala." I shook my head slowly as if wala nakong naiisip na iba. If all of my friends were here, pagtatawanan nila ako at how much I'm starting to enjoy this baiting. And how very uncharacteristic it was for me. Or they'll just think na I'm going crazy, but I know they will definitely say I just miss Xavier. Ugggh. The perfect pang inis saakin ngayon.

"Dito ka lang ba talaga? Di ka ba uuwi?" I plastered my annoyed look. Now I just want to get rid of him. Bumabalik yung feeling na gusto kong lamutakin yung pagmumukha nya. Could Franco be right na pinaglilihian ko si Xavier? He's as annoying as Xavier if he wants to be sa pangiinis nya.

"Yup. Every day. At kung nasaan ka man." What???

Sinimangutan ko pa sya lalo. "Wala ka bang gagawin sa buhay mo?"

"Ikaw at yung baby natin yung buhay ko."

I shook my head in disbelief. "That's funny. You let me go diba?"

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"I didn't let you go Harper. I just wanted you to have and live your life. I don't want you stuck here waiting for me for three years." He said silently.

I can't believe we're doing this right now, here, of all places. A part of me wants to scream at him and a part wants me to throw him out. Maybe this is my perfect excuse. "Di mo man lang ako tinanong?"

"We both know what you're going to say, aayaw ka. There will be lot of things I wouldn't be able to give you sa tatlong taon na yon. And I don't want you feeling or resenting na inaksaya mo yung oras mo sa paghihintay saakin. I only wanted you to focus on yourself habang malayo ako. I promised na babalikan kita." I swallowed hard kasi tama sya. But I did have plans to live with him and I didn't get that chance. "Well it was my decision to make Xavier, not yours. Hindi mo man lang naisip..." Hindi ko natuloy because I felt something in my belly. Napatayo ako and my chopsticks clattered on the table. Xavier looked horrified at my reaction and was instantly beside me. "Okay ka lang? Did something happen to our baby?" He saw how I clutched on my belly. Namutla sya sa itsura ko. "The baby kicked." Sobrang saya ko. Of course, I feel my baby move around from time to time, but never this lively. I've always assumed well-behaved lang syang baby. The kick brought me to tears.

"Ok lang ba sya? Ikaw ok ka lang ba?" Concern hasn't left Xavier's face and I think mas nataranta sya when I teared up. He probably thinks nasaktan ako and something's wrong with the baby. "I'm okay." I finally smiled as I dried my tears.

After studying my face and searching it if I was really okay, tinaas ni Xavier slowly yung kamay nya, unsure if papayag ako. He's the father and I couldn't deny him of the same happiness I was feeling pag dating sa anak namin. So I took his hand and placed it on my belly and I hope our child would do it again. Ang tagal namin standing still waiting for it. Pero wala.

"You think kailangan nating mag away ulit?" I unsurely asked Xavier. "That was what we were doing when it happened."

"Baka ayaw nyang nag aaway tayo kaya sya sumipa?" He tried, I know what he's doing.

"Asa ka naman that he or she knows what we are doing. And don't make it as an excuse para mag bati na tayo. I still hate you." Nagsisimula nanamang tumaas yung boses ko as I glared at him.

"I'm not making it an excuse. You already know how sorry I am and I accept your anger. And of course our child knows. His or her auditory system is already de..." Xavier's eyes grew large sa naramdaman namin. The baby kicked again. Xavier and I had the same overjoyed feeling as tears also formed in his eyes.

"Hi baby, it's me, your daddy. I'm here and I can't wait to meet you. Mommy and I love you so much." Naiyak ako at how loving Xavier was talking to our baby. I knew at this moment, he's going to be the best father. Our baby kicked again. "If your theory is the baby doesn't want us fighting, you have your answer, he or she also hates your voice." I laughed ng pabiro kay Xavier.

"Or maybe he or she loves my voice." He returned my smile. I made a face. Pero I think yun talaga yon. "Tell mommy not to be mad at me anymore, because I'm really, really, really sorry for what I did." Xavier looked into my eyes. I couldn't answer him and buti nalang nakaramdam ulit kami ng sipa from our baby. It mustered another big smile from the father.

"See? He or she enjoys us talking." Xavier grinned and inirapan ko sya. Haaay anak, bakit ka ganyan kumakampi ka na agad sa tatay mo. You've only known him for what? Four days? Walang favoritism please.

"Alam mo na if we're having a boy or a girl?" Xavier straightened up and asked me. I can only shake my head kasi baka masabi ko lang na hinihintay ko sya for that.

"Do we want to know?" He asked me again. We. It was the collective term I truly missed. "Yes." I breathed.

**********

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan habang nakahiga sa kama in my OB's clinic while she prepared the ultrasound.

"I was waiting for you to come to me wanting to know your baby's gender, but I now understand why." Dra. smiled.  "Hinihintay mo pala yung daddy. Nice to meet you, Mr. Arnaiz." Inirapan ko si Xavier when he beamed at what the doctor said. Di na matanggal yung ngiti nya and I have a feeling na kahit sigawan ko pa sya mamaya, ganyan parin yung ngiti nya.

The growing anticipation was killing me. I turned to Xavier. "Do you want a girl or a boy?" I asked him. Tinitignan ko if same yung gusto namin. I have a feeling lalake yung baby namin.

"It doesn't matter." Xavier answered and kumunot yung noo ko. "And here I was thinking you're really concerned." I glared.

"Harper, it doesn't matter if lalake sya or babae, I will love him or her with my everything. And the only thing that matters is ikaw yung mommy nya." My breathing suddenly grew uneven over what he said.

"Mr. Arnaiz, I would suggest you profess your undying love for Ms. Javier mamaya nalang once we're done here, I need her relaxed." I looked horrified and embarrassed at what my OB said as she put the gel on my tummy. I couldn't look at Xavier kasi I don't want to see his dumb grin na malamang nadagdagan lang sa sinabi nung doctor.

She pointed at the monitor as soon as nakita na nya yung hinahanap nya. "Your baby is perfectly healthy and mukhang napapadami ang kain ni mommy ah." I was guilty.

"He's growing fast, but you shouldn't worry." She continued. Nanlaki yung mata ko. "H-he?" Xavier repeated and I took Xavier's hand and he squeezed it like he used to do. "Yup. Congratulations, you're having a baby boy." She beamed at us.

I cried over the great news. Xavier sat down, still holding my hand and whispered. "We're having a boy." And naiyak din sya. I could only nod dahil naiiyak parin ako, smiling. He kissed the side of my head and whispered. "I love you so much, Harper."