Saving Harper

-Xavier's POV- Tanga.

Isang linggo ko na yang sinasabi sa sarili ko. Gusto kong bawiin lahat but I knew I had to do it.

Narinig ko kung paano sya umiyak nung nandon sya sa airport sa Kalibo when Harper missed her flight, I might have done the same. Baka nga lumangoy nalang ako pauwi para lang makita ko pa sya one last time. Hearing her cry broke me. Hindi pwedeng ganon. Pag alis ko, hindi ko sya pwedeng iwan ng wala syang gagawin kung hindi mag hintay. I know babalik lang sya dun sa default nyang buhay and I couldn't do that to her.

The most beautiful I've seen Harper's soul was when she was free. Yung hindi sya nakatali sa trabaho, sa pamilya nya and she was just living in the moment. I wanted that for her. Desperately. Pero paano kung magkalayo naman kami? She can't just wait for me para mag simula stang mabuhay.

I suffered almost the same fate kay Kylie kasi wala akong ginawa kung hindi mag hintay dun sa huling dalawang taon ng relasyon namin. It was never a question kung mahal namin yung isa't-isa. We did. It was a matter of us wanting different things already as the years wore down. Na stuck lang ako sa pag hihintay na magkaron sya ng panahon sakin and I don't want Harper to feel like that. Alam ko naman na hindi ako model who needs to travel the world, pero magiging pahirap ng pahirap yung pag aaral ko, so mawawala at mawawalan ako ng panahon.

Ganon naman nagsisimula yon e. Every night phone calls na magiging messages nalang, tapos before you know it, wala ng oras. I will definitely try, pero hahayaan ko lang ba syang mag hintay while I'm trying na maghanap ng oras at panahon? I will only be breaking promises sa loob ng dalawa o tatlong taon na nandito ako. I'd rather her enjoy her life kesa eventually mag aaway kami over all the broken promises. Or worst, mawawalan na sya ng pakielam sa mga pangako kong hindi nagagawa kasi sanay sa sya. Or mawawalan nalang sya ng pakielam period.

I want her to choose herself. It would be unfair na nandito ako doing something for my career that she fully supported, while she was seriously considering letting go of everything she worked hard for para saakin. Lalu na yung career nya and her long-awaited promotion which she deserves. I want the both of us to grow because that's how love is, it should never be selfish.

Muntik nakong hindi tumuloy sa Seattle, kung hindi ko lang naaalala yung sinasabi nyang gagawin ko to for "our future". Harper deserves everything and I will do everything to give her that.

My second day in Seattle, halos masiraan nako ng ulo. I knew Harper already hated me, pero iba din pag galing sa ibang tao. "Pre, she hates your guts. She hates the both of us kasi pinagtanggol pa kita. Don't get me wrong, I really see your point that she has to live her life and yun yung inexplain ko sa kanya, but maybe the letter was too much? You could have talked to her." Sabi ni Franco nung tinawagan ko sya to ask how their conversation went nung nakiusap ako kay Franco na bumalik muna sa Manila for Harper.

"I tried. Nung nalaman kong hindi na sya makakabalik ng Manila, I wanted to tell her what I wanted her to do. To live her life habang wala ako and not to waste her time away waiting for me dahil kahit anong mangyari, hintayin man nya ko or hindi, babalik ako para sa kanya. Pero iyak sya ng iyak dahil di sya nakabalik ng Manila. Nawalan ako ng lakas na sabihin sa kanya." I said defeatedly. Tanga. "Alam ko mali, pero naduwag ako. It's not an excuse, but how could I tell her everything kung iyak na nga sya ng iyak? At that time akala ko the letter would be the best way. The less painful way."

"E bakit hindi mo sya tawagan ngayon?"

"Would she live her life kung tatawagan ko sya ngayon at uulitin yung mga sinabi ko sakanya sa sulat?"

Nagbuntong hininga si Franco. Kilala nya si Harper. "Unconsciously, maghihintay pa rin sya lalu na pag maririnig nya yung boses mo. She will unconsciously latch." Sagot ni Franco. "Pero pre, ewan. Nung kausap ko sya, ang daling kampihan ka kasi nakita ko yung point mo. Pero ngayon na ikaw yung kausap ko, nakikita ko din yung point of view nya na lahat ng yon nalaman nya sa sulat, gusto kong sabihin sayo na ang gago mo. Kung gusto ka nyang patayin ngayon, di ko sya pipigilan."

I deserve that. Sana nga minura nalang ako ni Franco e. Most of all, I deserve Harper's hate.

"Alam ko naman yon. Pero pre, ayokong maghintay sya, pwedeng tatlong taon akong nandito. Nakita naman natin kung ano yung namiss ni Harper sa buhay nya. Handa nya lahat yun bitawan para sakin. Gusto ko habang nandito ako may gagawin sya dyan para sa sarili nya. Lahat ng gusto nyang maranasan. Walang para saakin. She deserves this." Oo paulit-ulit na ko kahit sa sarili ko. Minsan hindi ko na alam kung kanino ko mas kailangan sabihin, kay Harper or saakin. "Sa ngayon pre, kahit lahat ng tao sa buhay nya ang mag explain nung point mo, magagalit parin sya. Actually, nasasaktan sya so she's not going to see it the way you want her to."

I was about to call Harper, pero kamalas-malasan nga naman dahil when I was about to, may naka tabig sakin sa sidewalk. My phone slipped sa dami ng dala ko, at nahulog sa drain sa kanal.

What are the fucking chances na nahulog yon sa certain na anggulo para mashoot sa grills nung drain??? 1%? Medyo natauhan ako don. Xavier, give her a chance. Mawawala din yung galit nya and she will realize how happy she will be with traveling and living her life at hindi lang naghihintay sakin. Sinabihan ko na din si Franco na pag kinausap ulit sya, iencourage nya din si Harper na unahin nya yung sarili nya. I know she's unconsciously working for her parents' approval. She has to realize that the only important person she needs validation from is herself. Wala ng ibang importante. And that's the thing that's holding her back from living her life. The real life.

For two weeks sinubsob ko yung sarili ko sa pag aaral but I was miserable. Gabi-gabi kong tinitignan yung pictures namin ni Harper and yung vacation videos namin only for it to drive me to my insanity. I booked a ticket once pauwi ng Pilipinas dahil talagang nabaliw nako. Xavier, future nyo to. You're not only doing this for yourself, pero para kay Harper din. Para sa magiging pamilya nyo. That stopped me. But she still hates me. I can feel it.

"Pre, wala pa ring nagbabago since tumawag ka kahapon. Galit parin sya, malapit na nyang sunugin tong opisina. Saka hindi pa rin nya ko kinakausap so hindi ko alam what she's thinking about." Franco answered one of my usual calls para kamustahin si Harper.

"Kumakain ba sya?" Miserable kong tanong. I don't even deserve Franco's updates. I don't know if I deserve to think about Harper dahil sa galit nya sakin.

"Sabi nung assistant namin, hindi daw." Naluha ako. Sinaktan ko sya kahit malinis yung intensyon ko pero parang she just got worse. Opposite of what I hoped she would be. "Arnaiz, wag ka na mag alala gagawan ko ng paraan para kumain sya. Sinabi ko naman sayo na aalagaan ko sya pag alis mo. Just make sure na ayusin mo dyan. You owe her that. Make both your pain worth it dahil balewala lang yung ginawa mo kung aaksayahin mo yung oras mo sa pag mumukmok. When she forgives you for this, hindi ka naman nya patatawarin kung hindi ka nag aral ng mabuti dyan." Syempre, tama si Franco dahil di naman ako nakakapag isip ng matino simula ng umalis ako. Madaming beses na iniisip ko na mali ako. Mali kung paano ko sya pinili. Mali nga ba?

"Teka lang pre, tumatawag si Harper sakin ngayon. Matulog ka na nga anong oras na dyan e." Kinailangan ni Franco ibaba yung tawag namin. Sana ok lang si Harper and makikipag bati lang sya kay Franco kaya sya tumatawag. It was almost 4am here and like so many nights, I couldn't find my sleep. I was dying of longing. I was dying to tell her how sorry I was dahil nasaktan ko sya. I deserve this misery dahil sa ginawa ko sakanya.

(text) Me: May problema ba si Harper kaya sya tumawag?

(text) Franco: Bukod sayo?

(text) Me: Gago. Pero oo.

(text) Me: Ano nga???

(text) Me: Tangina naman e.

(text) Franco: Lababo.

(text) Me: Ano?

(text) Franco: May problema sya sa lababo kaya pinapunta ako.

(text) Franco: May bumara pre. Yung galit nya sayo.

(text) Me: Tangina mo. Ano nga??

(text) Franco: Yun nga. Lababo yung problema nya at ikaw. Hahaha.

(text) Me: Seryoso ba yan? Bakit ikaw tinawag nya? Nandyan ka pa ba?

(text) Franco: Baka nakikipag bati lang talaga alam mo naman yon. Wala na pre kakaalis ko lang, di kita matawagan kasi nagpanic sya kasi positive. Na may bara nga yung lababo. (text) Me: ;Ok na ba?

(text) Franco: Pre di ako tubero para ka namang gago talaga e. Naubos na braincells mo ng lamig dyan. Try mo kaya syang tawagan bukas.

(text) Me: ;May matutulong ba ko sa lababo nya?

(text) Franco: BAKA. Baka kasi ikaw yung may iniwan sa lababo nya para mag bara.

(text) Franco: Matulog ka na nga tangina! Pati pala ikaw kailangan ko pang alagaan.

Nung binasa ko kinabukasan yung conversation namin ni Franco nung madaling araw, I'm convinced na nasisiraan na nga ako ng ulo kasi di ko maintindihan. Lababo nga?

I called Harper kasi hindi ko na kayang tiisin. Kahit murahin pa nya ako ng paulit-ulit araw-araw, ok lang.

She rejected my call

That day I started writing her emails. One per day. I told her about Seattle, my classes, my flatmates, my professors, how my day went, how much I was missing her, asking about her day, wishing I could be with her more than anything, places I hoped she would visit and travel to, and above all, how much I love her and how much I was sorry.

I never got any replies.

This was the risk I faced and yan na yung sinabi ni Tatay saakin. That I could lose Harper.

But I knew in my heart that it wasn't over. Not for me. Pag balik ko sa Pilipinas, I will do anything and everything to win her back kung iniisip man nyang tapos na kami. I never meant for it to be like that.

Pero paano pag ayaw na nya sayo? Paano pag hindi ka na nya mahal? Paano pag may iba na syang mahal?

Wala akong pakielam, I would fight for her until the end. Medyo nang gigil ako dun sa thought na may iba syang mamahalin.

What if hindi na nya gustong ipaglaban mo sya?

Until she tells me that she doesn't want me in her life anymore and she means it, I will keep trying, I will keep fighting.

I expected her hate, pero hindi ko parin mabitawan yung telepono ko. Umaasa ako na someday she would answer the phone, or my messages, or my numerous emails. Kulang nalang hanggang sa cr isama ko yung teleponi ko habang naliligo ako. Kaya nung nag ring yung phone ko habang naliligo ako, napalabas ako agad sa bathroom ng puro sabon pa ko para lang sagutin, but it wasn't Harper.

"Hi Xavier."

"Harper?" I asked kahit alam kong hindi. I know Harper's voice so well dahil yun ang napapaniginipan ko gabi-gabi.

"No. It's me, Kylie. How are you? I heard you're in Seattle already? Wow." Hindi ko din alam na si Kylie dahil local dito yung number. Paano nya nakuha yung bago kong number?

"Uhhh yeah. Teka, importante ba? Pwede bang tumawag nalang ako mamaya?" Di ko na sinabi sa kanya na sinagot ko yung tawag nya habang naliligo ako baka isipin nyang special sya.

"Oh. Quick lang. I'm in Seattle din right now and I was wondering if we could meet to talk?" She asked.

"Bakit?"

I can hear Kylie exhale as if I was being difficult.

"Hindi na ba tayo pwedeng mag catch up? Ayaw ba ng girlfriend mo?" Umirap ako sa tanong nya dahil alam kong fishing lang sya kahit nakita naman nya sa IG ko na puro si Harper lang yung pinopost ko dati. Ngayon kasi wala nakong gana mag social media kasi di din naman makikita ni Harper kahit mag post pa ko.

"I'm not sure if I can meet you. Busy kasi ako." Totoo naman din.

"Come on Xavier, minsan lang ako nasa Seattle and what are the chances na nandito ka na din right? And you kinda owe me." Kylie insisted.

"I owe you?" I repeated. Ano nanaman sinasabi nya?

"Yeah. You owe me closure."

Oh shit. Tinatanggihan ba yung ganito?

"After more than 2 years?" It was all I could ask.

"Yes." Kylie simply answered. What if kailangan nga nya ng closure? ;"I'll be here until next week then I'm flying to New York to wrap up my contracts there." She added para ipaalam saakin hanggang kelan ako kailangan mag decide. "Sige ummm tignan ko muna kelan ako free balikan kita. Bye." I ended the call bago pa nya madagdagan yung listahan ko ng mga bagay which she feels that I owe her.

Tinapos ko yung pag ligo ko thinking only about two things-one, anong sinasabi pag closure, and two, I need to tell Harper na gustong makipag kita saakin ni Kylie.

I tried calling Harper again and hindi parin nya ko sinasagot. Kung sinagot man nya ko, anong sasabihin ko? Harper sorry alam kong galit ka pa at ayaw mo kong kausapin pero mag papaalam sana ako if pwede akong makipag kita sa ex ko kasi she needs closure? Tangina. Gago.

Again, I deserve this. I deserve Harper's hate and yung galit ko sa sarili ko.

I emailed her baka sakaling mabasa nya to explain why I'm meeting up with Kylie. I feel really stupid pouring out my unanswered thoughts in my emails. Pero karma ko to dahil sa sulat ko lang nilagay lahat e. Wala akong karapatan na mag expect ng sagot sa mga emails ko. Wala akong karapatan to expect anything from her except wait until she can forgive me. And if it takes three lifetimes, I will still wait.

Naisip ko maybe it was already time to meet up with Kylie to get it over with. I agreed to see her bago sya umalis papuntang New York. Up to the last minute habang naghihintay ako sa cafe where I'm meeting her hinihintay ko pa kung sasagot si Harper because if she says ayaw nyang magkita kami ni Kylie, I'll walk out of here kahit pa sa gitna ng paguusap namin.

"Hi, ohmygod I'm so sorry I got lost three times. I didn't know there were five BeanHubs around the campus." Kylie finally arrived sa cafe at nilapag nya yung bag nya. "Restroom lang ako because I just walked going here." Di na sya umupo and nag punta na sa cr. I checked my phone again for messages and emails kahit na si Harper lang talaga hinihintay ko.

Pag balik ni Kylie, bumeso sya saakin before sitting down sa upuan nya. I glanced outside and for a second there, I thought I saw Harper. Hindi yon first time dahil pag dating ko palang dito sa Seattle I'm always imagining her here with me. Ganon na din ako ka-baliw. Imagining conversations with her at yung reaction nya to things.

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"So how are you Xavier? Wow grabe it's been what? 2 years since we last saw each other?" Kylie beamed pag upo nya. Now she's here, I'm not so sure about this. "Yeah? I'm fine." Di ko na sinabi na malapit nakong mamatay sa lungkot sa distansya namin ni Harper. "So anong ginagawa mo dito? And how did you know I'm here?" I asked.

"Yung receptionist nyo si Janet binalita nya sakin when I called your firm. Wow you finally decided to do your master's degree." Buti din effortless kay Kylie and small talk kasi nung pag dating ko din dito sa Seattle parang nawalan nako ng gana sa lahat except sa pag aaral at sa pangungulit kay Franco tungkol kay Harper.

"I went here to meet with you talaga." Umamin sya. Wow she wanted this closure so badly kinakabahan lang ako na baka hindi talaga to closure.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I asked. Tumingin ako sa mga gamit ko para ma gets nya na nag punta din ako dito para mag aral.

"Let's catch up first. Is your girlfriend here with you?" She asked. Okay fine if gusto nya ng konting kwentuhan.

"No, nasa Manila sya. I want her to travel and do things for herself and may promotion din syang inaabangan."

"Is she really your girlfriend Xavier?" Di ko alam kung bakit parang natatawa sya sa tanong nya. Napasimangot ako. "What's it to you? Harper is more than a girlfriend to me." Kasi sya yung babaeng gusto kong makasama habang buhay. "Sorry, I don't mean to offend you. Clingy ka kasi nung tayo pa. You get mad pag hindi pa pala ako uuwi."

No. I get mad kasi sinasabi nyang uuwi sya yun pala hindi. Naiinis ako over all the waiting. Over all the broken promises.

"So you've changed." Kylie continued.

"And you haven't?" I replied. Madami na talagang nagbago saakin, lalu na sa feelings ko.

"I did. But not so much. That's why I'm here." Okay, finally eto na.

"First, I realized I never apologized about letting our relationship deteriorate. Alam ko naman that it was my fault. I'm really sorry about that Xavier."

I cut her off. "There's nothing to apologize for Ky. You did what you needed to do. I'm happy sa lahat ng nangyari sayo lalu na sa career mo after I walked away from that hotel years ago." It was sincere. Di ako naniniwala masyado sa mga sabi- sabi but applicable dito yung sinasabi nilang 'everything happens for a reason'.

"But I wasn't. I thought at first I was. Pero sinasabi nga nila malungkot yung buhay namin lalu na if you're alone and you don't have any anchor in your life. When the lights goes out, at pag wala kang kasama sa buhay the loneliness is magnified. It was then when I realized I should have tried harder to make it work between the two of us." Malungkot nyang sinabi.

"Ky..."

She cut me off. "No, Xavier please just hear me out kasi eto yung hindi ko nasabi sayo sa loob ng dalawang taon." She pleaded so tumahimik lang ako. Wala namag mawawala sakin kung I let her say her piece. It's what she came here to do anyway. "Xavier, mahal na mahal parin kita. I don't know if masaya ka sa girlfriend mo ngayon but her not being here says a lot." Gusto kong tumayo para mag walk out. She doesn't know anything. "Naalala mo nung halos mag makaawa ka sakin just for me to stay behind for you? It means you loved me more than you love her. And you can love me again. Please give us another chance. I'm here now. I'm terminating my contract kaya din ako pupunta ng New York. I'll give you everything ng hindi tayo nabigyan ng chance to have at that time because maybe it wasn't our time then. Now might be it. We can start fresh. I'll move here or anywhere you want to go so we can pick up where we left off. I'll support you with everything you want to do and I'll tie my life with yours."

I hope she was finished kasi ayoko ng marinig kung ano pang itutuloy nya. I don't need to hear it.

"I'm sorry Ky. For me tapos na tayo. I think baka nga tapos na tayo bago pa tayo nag hiwalay non sa hotel." Gusto kong magalit sa kanya about the things she said about me loving Harper differently from how I loved her back then pero pointless. Ayokong magkaron pa ng kahit anong feelings kay Kylie kahit na galit pa yon.

What she said, aaminin kong gusto kong mangyari but not with Kylie anymore. Matagal ng hindi sya. I want Harper here with me more than anything else para masimulan yung buhay namin ng magkasama pero I just chose not to be selfish. Magkakaron kami ng panahon para saaming dalawa, I know it pero papanindigan ko yung kagustuhan kong gusto kong gawin nya lahat ng kailangan nyang maexperience para sa sarili nya individually kasi sa totoo lang ako yung maghihintay sa kanya. I shouldn't have asked her to wait for me nung umpisa palang, kasi ako yung gagawa non para sa aming dalawa.

"Ky I'm really sorry pero hindi na yon yung gusto ko. Or rather, hindi na ikaw yung gusto ko. Don't get me wrong, I'll always be thankful I loved you at that time I did. It taught me a lot. Narealize kong may tamang panahon para piliin mo yung sarili natin. Palagi din akong magiging thankful that you chose yourself because it gave me a chance to choose myself as well. Nagawa ko yung mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko and I met Harper."

I paused kasi Kylie was starting to cry over what I said. I knew she was hoping for a different outcome dito sa pag uusap namin pero hindi ko na kayang ibigay yung gusto at kailangan nya so I just hope matatapos namin to in a good way. In a civil way. "Minahal kita Ky kaya I'll never be bitter sa nangyari saatin in the end but that was it. Yun yung kailangang mangyari because we were meant to be different persons for others. Hindi ako yung lalake for you and I say this sincerely, I hope you will find someone someday."

"Pero ikaw yung mahal ko Xavier." Or not.

"I don't want anyone else. Wala nakong ibang mamahalin I know it in my heart like I know that it will be us in the end." She's making this difficult pero gusto ko na tong tapusin.

"Ky, di ko alam kung nakipag kita ka talaga saakin for closure pero ngayon I don't think I can even give that to you. Hindi kasi ako yung dapat mag bigay non. Look for closure sa sarili mo because only you can give yourself that. If feeling mo hindi mo pa ko tapos mahalin, I'm really sorry pero matagal na talagang tapos for me yung relasyon natin. Our end already came. Iba na yung mahal ko at sya yung taong mamahalin ko ng walang katapusan." I will look for you in every lifetime and love you there. -H It will always and forever be Harper. There will be no end for me when it comes to loving her.

For one final time, I walked away from Kylie dahil alam kong tapos na at wala nakong mabibigay pa sa kanya.