Saving Harper

-Xavier's POV-

"The number you have dialed is out of coverage area. Please try your call later. The number..."

Again. I've been trying to call Harper sa Facetime audio and sa number nya. I decided to walk aimlessly around pagka tapos namin mag usap ni Kylie. I tried Franco na sumagot after 3 tries pa. Pero kasi baka naman istorbo talaga ako kung may meeting man sila.

"Hello, pre alam mo kung nasaan si Harper?"

"Ha? Anong nasaan? Nandito sa office malamang. Saan pa sya pupunta? Meeting ata. Bakit?" Nagtatakang tanong ni Franco saakin kahit palagi ko namang hinahanap sakanya si Harper.

"Bakit out of coverage area?" I asked. Medyo demanding.

"Pre di ko alam." Ilang araw ng umiiwas si Franco pag dating kay Harper. Parang feeling ko nagtatago si Harper sa likod nya, ganon. Alam ko naman na ayaw nya kong kausapin pero araw-araw akong aasa.

"Yung totoo?" Kilala ko na din si Franco and feeling ko may tinatago sya sakin bukod kay Harper. Did something happen to her? Or sadyang paranoid na talaga ako?

"Yung totoo pre ayaw ka parin nyang kausapin. Hayaan mo muna sya kasi di ko na din alam ano pang sasabihin ko sa kanya tuwing tumatawag ka."

"Sorry Franco, ewan parang nababaliw na nga ako. Parang nakikita ko na nga sya kung saan-saan dito." I said defeatedly.

"As in ngayong araw?" Gulat si Franco. Oo baliw na nga talaga ako.

"Araw-araw." I said in a stressed voice. I know the real reason why I was seeing Harper everywhere. It was the simple truth that I was looking for her in everything and in everyone. I was miserable here and she's my only comfort and the only one who can bring back my sanity.

"Ahhhh. Pre, tigilan mo na muna sya. Di ka kakausapin non lalu na ngayon. I mean kasi galit na galit pa rin sya. Pati sakin nagagalit na tuwing binabanggit ko na tumawag ka at gusto mo syang makausap." I felt bad kasi halos kaka bati lang nilang dalawa tapos I'm putting another strain sa friendship nila sa pangungulit ko. Desperado na din ako. Pero alam ko naman na di nila natitiis na magkagalit silang dalawa.

"Okay sige pre, sorry sa pangungulit. Ang hirap din ngayon."

"Alam ko naman yon Arnaiz, pero mahirap din para kay Harper. Hayaan mong lumipas yung galit nya. Yun din naman yung sinabi mo sa sulat mo diba? Sasagutin ka nya pag ready na sya." Syempre tama nanaman sya as always, di lang talaga ako mapakali. I apologized again and ended the call. As soon as I got back sa flat, naisip kong magsusulat nalang ulit ako ng email kay Harper para di ako masyadong nababaliw.

"Hey Xav. That was quick studying." Binati ako ng flatmate ko na si Tom. Nagmamasters din sya pero sa Economics naman kapareho nung isa din naming kasama na si Rick they were both Americans. Okay naman sila kahit mas bata sila saakin at least hindi sila party ng party dito kala ko yun yung mangyayari. We usually keep to ourselves or siguro di ko pa din kasi sila masyadong kakilala.

"Did she ever find you?" Tanong nya nung palakad nako papunta sa kwarto ko. Huh? Sinong 'she'?

"Who?" I asked him. I suddenly thought of Harper. Asa ka namang pupuntahan ka nya dito e galit nga sayo. For a second umasa talaga ako, kahit sampalin pa nya ko paulit-ulit sa galit, I'll welcome it, makita ko lang sya ulit. But again, hindi nya ko pupuntahan dito. Mas posible pang ako yung umuwi dahil nga baliw nako dahil sa sarili kong kagagawan.

"There's a pretty girl looking for you downstairs an hour ago so I told her where you'd be. I didn't catch her name though." He shrugged.

Ah baka si Kylie. "Oh yeah." Yun nalang nasagot ko.

"Is she your friend?" Mukhang gusto pang magpakilala nito sa ex ko. Natural lang naman kasi model yon baka lahat ng lalake gusto syang habulin. Bigay ko kaya number?

"Ex-girlfriend." He nodded in approval. "You want her number?" Pahabol ko.

He chuckled. "No dude I guess the same rules applies to us. Too awkward." Gusto kong sabihin na wala akong pakielam pero ayoko na pag usapan si Kylie.

I tried Harper's phone again pero wala talaga so I started with my email. Every day my desperation was growing and halatang-halata na sa emails ko. I told her everything, na nagkita kami ni Kylie, what she said, what I said and what I felt about the conversation. I even told her na I thought I saw her and that I was wishing it was true. Crazy. Harper would find this weird when she reads this. Baka mas lalung maconvince syang she didn't lose anything once she finds out how fucked up I've turned into.

Tangina Xavier ayusin mo nga buhay mo. Pinilit ko si Harper to live her life tapos ganito nangyayari saakin ngayon? I'm barely living. Oh the irony.

After a week, my IG notification sounded. Nagulat ako kasi nasa klase ako at talagang naka off notifications ko dahil si Kylie parang tanga sa pagtatag saakin ng mga pictures namin years ago pero naka on yung notifs ng posts ni Harper. Minsan tinitignan-tignan ko din, pinagdadasal kong hindi nya burahin yung mga pictures namin sa mga post nya. Harper had a new post. It was a picture in Scotland and behind her was Edinburgh Castle.

Parang narestart yung puso ko at nabuhayan ako when I saw her post. Parang feeling ko nakita ko na din sya in person. Bago kaya to? Nag chat ako sa kanya.

(Instagram message) @xavierrnz: Wow nasa Scotland ka?

Seen. Mas nakakamatay pala yung maseen ka lang kesa sa hindi papansinin yung chat mo e. Sampal sakin na ayaw nya talaga saakin.

One hour walang reply. Fuck talaga tong buhay na to. Xavier, gago you deserve her silent treatment kaya shut up and matuwa ka nalang na hindi ka pa nablock sa IG.

Syempre dumaan nanaman ako kay Franco to find out if totoong nasa Scotland nga si Harper.

(text) Me: Nasa Scotland si Harper?

(text) Franco: Yup. Nag sabbatical leave na sya. Biglaan lang.

(text) Me: Ang ganda nya.

(text) Franco: Mamatay ka daw. Hahaha. Joke lang. Matagal ng maganda yan.

(text) Me: Di parin ako nirereplyan pre. [

(text) Franco: Isa lang ibig sabihin nyan, galit pa sya.

Buong klase ko, tinitigan ko lang yung post ni Harper. She looked happy and I felt bad. Not for her kasi masaya ako na finally may ginagawa na sya for herself. Nalungkot ako kasi sana hindi nalang ako tumuloy dito sa Seattle. E di sana nandon ako ngayon kasama sya, at kahit saan pa sya pupunta. My spirit broke when I zoomed in on her picture, she wasn't wearing the charm bracelet I gave anymore.

Naiyak ako at ang unang instinct ko ay mag check ng flights to Scotland. Sakto nung pabook nako, nag Facetime si Ate Tiff.

ello, grabe galit a din ba sakin? Bakit ngayon ka lang tumawag?" She has always ignored my phone calls, siguro mga isang buwan na.

"Buti nga tinawagan pa kita e." She rolled her eyes. It was sarcastic.

"Anong kasalanan ko sayo?"

Umirap ulit sya. "Wala." Sarcastic tone again habang iniisip ko kung may nasabi ba ko sakanya the last time we spoke with our parents and tatay. "Ilabas mo nga yan ate."

"Teka umiyak ka ba?" Nakita kong nilapit nya yung phone nya to check on my eyes.

"Hindi, inaantok lang ako." I deflected.

"Ulol. Kapatid kita. Ilang beses na kita pinaiyak so alam ko yang itsura mo. Bakit? Tinawagan ka na ni Harper?" Huy tangina anong alam nila?? I never mentioned what happened to them, kasi well tanga ako and I know they will hate me equally as Harper did. Does.

"Anong alam mo?" Mukhang lahat. Di naman malayo kasi I know they would invite Harper for dinner kasi kahit hindi ko ibilin, my family loves her and would invite her to family lunch or dinners. Kaya kung nalaman nila, magagalit talaga sila saakin.

"Lahat, bobo." Yun nga yung rason why ate didn't call me for as long as she did.

"She talked to you?"

"What do you think? We had to pry it out of her with questions about you two na hindi sya makapag sinungaling. Ang masasabi ko lang nuk-nukan ka ng bobo." Pagalit nyang sinabi. "Alam mo ba na dapat tatawagan kita para awayin nung araw na yon, pinigilan lang nya ko?"

I was silent. "So alam din nila mommy?"

"Malamang! It was a family lunch. We all wanted to call you para awayin and at the same time no one wanted to call you because all of us were mad. Nauna lang bumigay si tatay because well, favorite ka nya. No one could get mad at you dahil you know what Harper said after telling us what you did? Hiningi nyang wag kaming magalit sayo and that we forgive you. She made us fucking promise to her."

I pinched the bridge of my nose kasi naiiyak nanaman ako. Harper hated me, pero ayaw nyang kampihan sya ng pamilya ko. I didn't deserve it. I don't think I deserve her.

Napabuntong hininga si ate. Alam kong nang gigigil sya sakin pero she also made a promise to Harper. Eto yung rason kung bakit ayaw nya kong harapin. Ate has never been known na pigilan yung gusto nyang sabihin. "Xavier, para sa matalinong tao, napaka bobo mo."

"You think I don't know that ate? Ilang gabi ko ng iniisip yon. Nung pangalawang araw ko palang dito nag book nako ng ticket pabalik dyan..." She cut me off. "Yun ang wag mong gagawin. Harper is mad but she won't forgive you if you let go of what you came there to do." Ate Tiff was the second person to tell me that.

"Ate anong gagawin ko? Nababaliw nako dito, she's not answering any of my messages, calls and emails." My voice broke naiiyak nanaman ako. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ko pa posibleng ma message si Harper.

"She's not going to answer you until she's ready, Xavier. Kabobohan how you told her what you wanted her to do, but she said she's starting to understand your point. Alam mo napakabait ni Harper because she asked us to forgive you." "I don't deserve her."

"You don't, on your worst days. You made a mistake Xav. She would eventually forgive you. I just called to tell you na tanga ka and to check kung buhay ka pa. Aaanddd to check if you already saw Harper's post."

"Yeah I saw, I'm happy she's traveling. Ate, hindi na nya suot yung bracelet na bigay ko. Does it mean ayaw na nya saakin?" I asked. Gusto ko ba talaga malaman yung sagot?

Napanguso si ate, thinking about it. "It could mean a lot. Yes pwedeng ayaw na nya sayo, pero pwede din naman na it always reminds her of what you did kaya tinanggal nya muna kasi mas nagagalit lang sya. Or pwedeng fake yung binigay mo kaya ayaw na nya isuot." Classic Tiff na nagjojoke parin on situations like this. Tangina Xavier ganyan ka din e.

Parang naawa na sya sa itsura ko. "Xavier, give her time and the space she needs. Hindi ba eto yung gusto mo para sa kanya, for her to get out of her comfort zone? She knows what you want for her and you know what she wants you to do there so don't fail her. Alam ko mahal na mahal mo sya, tell her everyday kahit hindi ka nya sinasagot. It might count for something. Ayokong bigyan ka ng pag asa, but I know she still loves you dahil dun sa hiningi nya saamin. Hindi agad- agad nawawala yung ganong pag mamahal."

I groaned. "So ang sinasabi mo pag balik ko hindi na nya ko mahal?"

Natawa si ate sa itsura ko dahil sumalampak ako sa desk ko. "I have a feeling kakausapin ka naman nya pag ready na sya and sabi mo naman you write her emails."

"Everyday."

"Maaawa din yon sayo. Lalu na dahil ang ganda nya and mukha kang pathetic ngayon." Natatawa nyang sinabi. I am pathetic. Pero wala nakong pakielam. Kung kailangan kong lumuhod habang sumusunod kay Harper pag bumalik ako or pag kinausap na nya ako ulit, gagawin ko kahit hindi pa nya ako makita.

"Magbobook na sana ako ng ticket pa Scotland bago ka tumawag."

"She told me papunta na sya ng France bukas. She's been in Scotland for 5 days already so susunod ka lang sa wala brother of mine." Ate teased me.

"Tangina nag uusap kayo? May sinasabi ba sya tungkol sakin?"

"Of course nag uusap parin kami. Ikaw lang ang hindi nya kinakausap sa pamilya natin." Natawa nanaman sya. Bakit ba ganito yung mga kapatid ang galing sumampal ng realidad kahit magkalayo kayo? "At fyi, we never talk about you." Tangina, gusto kong lumubog sa lupa. "Hindi ka ganon ka gwapo Xavier. Sabi ko mag hanap na sya ng foreigner don para gwapo magiging anak nya." Dagdag pa nya.

"ATEEEEE! Tangina naman e!" Napatayo nako. Eto na yung kinakatakutan ko, yung may ibang makikilala si Harper. Ang daming pwedeng mangyari sa France! Tiff roared with laughter as I paced around my room nararamdaman na nyang gusto ko ng tumalon sa bintana. Ticket papuntang France nalang bibilhin ko!

"Chill ka lang! Pinagtawanan lang naman nya yung sinabi ko and I think naisip ka parin nya kasi she quickly changed the subject. Seloso mo naman masyado. Boyfriend ka ba?" She found it so funny pero di ako natatawa, naiiyak ako because this is all my fault.  "Tangina Xavier take a chill pill. I have a feeling malapit nyo na tong maayos. Are you going back here sa Christmas? Suyuin mo."

"Ate sa pinagsasasabi mo, wag kang magugulat kung nandyan nako bukas."

"Tanga papunta na nga syang France bukas and sabi nya hindi pa nya alam kelan sya babalik. Saka umayos ka nga! Sana saakin mo nalang binigay yung tuition mo dyan kung sasayangin mo lang din." At ayaw yon ni Harper.

"Babalik ako sa Christmas. I'll ask her to marry me." It was me who couldn't think straight simula nung magka hiwalay kami. Perfect example yung pinagsasasabi ko ngayon. I want her to live her life pero I'm going to ask her to marry me? Contradiction sa sinabi ko kasi parang I'm asking her to bind herself to me. Na mag hintay din. Pero I couldn't live without her anymore.

"Wow big boy. Hintayin mo munang patawarin ka nya baka ibato nya lang sayo yang singsing na bibilhin mo. Bumili ka na ba?" Ate chuckled. Normal naman para sa kanya na hindi nya ko seryosohin. "Hindi pa."

I bought a ring kinabukasan. Ibato man nya to sakin, okay lang. Kahit isang milyong beses kong itanong sakanya kung pwede nya kong pakasalan, gagawin ko, starting when I get back for Christmas break. The day after bumili ako ng singsing, she blocked me sa phone. Mukha akong nawawalan ng pag asa, pero hindi ko yon gagawin. Sinubsob ko pa lalu yung sarili ko sa pag aaral and I already asked the school kung pwede akong magdagdag ng load para sa subjects ko next term para mas mapadali yung pag graduate at pag balik ko.

Every night I still wrote her emails at pagkatapos I check her Instagram kung saan hindi pa ko naboblock (thank you, lord) pero hindi ko malike yung pictures nya kasi baka pag nakita nya pati dun iblock nya ko. I'm really happy she gets to travel. At least may isa saamin who's doing fine. After checking her IG, I look at our pictures sa phone ko, watch our videos and then I stare at the engagement ring hanggang makatulog ako. Every night yan ang ritual ko.

Palapit na ng palapit yung Christmas break at yung pre-break exams. Nag paalam na din ako sa adviser ko if I can take a three-week vacation para makauwi ng Pilipinas and buti nalang pinayagan nya ko basta I can submit some work online and take the exams earlier.

While I was studying, tumunog yung phone ko, I got a message from Kylie. Pagkatapos kong basahin to, iboblock ko na sya. (text) Kylie Guererro: I saw your girlfriend. Why is she with another guy? You seriously think she is worth it?

TANGINA ANONG ANOTHER GUY????

Gusto ko sanang replyan si Kylie to ask pero ayoko na talaga syang kausapin. I called Franco and hindi nya ko sinasagot. (text) Me: May boyfriend na si Harper???

Sumagot si Franco after an hour pa so sa loob nung isang oras na yon hindi ako nakapag aral at pati si ate natawagan ko na to ask and wala naman daw nababanggit si Harper about a guy. (text) Franco: Anong pinagsasasabi mo pre?

Franco finally replied. Sasabihin ko bang sinabi yon sakin ng ex ko?

If you're loving the book, nel5s.org is where the adventure continues. Join us for the complete experience-all for free. The next chapter is eagerly waiting for you!

(text) Me: Sagutin mo nalang please Franco.

(text) Franco: Wala. I don't know where the hell you got that news, pero hindi totoo.

Nakahinga nako finally. Mas mapapagkatiwalaan ko naman si Franco kesa kay Kylie. Pero mas lalu nakong namimilipit na makauwi. Unang gagawin ko pag balik ay magmakaawa kay Harper.

After a few days, habang nageempake ako one week bago umuwi, I got an IG notification that Harper posted a picture.

I was prepared for some travel photo but what she posted was something I definitely wasn't prepared for. Harper posted a picture of her and Franco posing together (too close for my liking) with the beach as their background. What blew my top off was the caption: Happy baby here.

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

Tangina is something going on between Harper and Franco??? Is he calling her baby now?!?! "Happy baby here."????? TANGINA! Kaya ba weird sakin si Franco for months already tuwing tinatawagan ko sya? Kaya ba mukhang nag move on na talaga si Harper kasi she gave Franco another chance???

Binilisan kong mag empake. I immediately called the airlines habang halos itapon ko na lahat ng gamit ko sa maleta.

"Hello good afternoon, I have a flight Tuesday next week, will it be possible to move it to tonight?"

***

-Harper's POV-

"Please take care of our apo, Harper. Ayaw mo ba talagang lumipat dito sa bahay so we can take care of you?" Tita Tanya hugged me one last time bago ako lumabas sa bahay nila. I laughed lightly. "No na tita but I promise I'll take care of myself and you can call me anytime." I said.

I was finally able to tell them I'm pregnant and that I originally planned to tell Xavier first but I had to explain what happened in Seattle. Syempre si Tiff muntik nanaman tumawag kay Xavier para lecturan sya. She was even ready to drag him home. Once again, I stopped her. I wanted to be the one to tell him but inuna ko lang sila because they also deserved to know and because I chickened out (or rather had my heart broken) when I saw Kylie with Xavier.

After nilang mag express ng galit over Xavier and nag tataka silang lahat what Kylie was even doing there. Sinabi ko nalang din na ayaw ko na malaman. They proceeded to be ecstatic over the news, especially Xavier's parents. Nagtampo pa sila for a while kasi nauna nanaman si tatay sa news. Medyo proud si tatay don and it gave me major Xavier vibes.

They were so happy so sobrang natuwa din ako, yes up to the point na gusto nila present silang lahat sa doctor's appointment ko at pinilit nilang dito nako tumira sa bahay nila. That one nahirapan akong tanggihan kasi silang apat yung pumipilit saakin. Sobrang nahihiya nako about it kasi hindi naman ako yung anak nila, but it was nonetheless heart-warming.

Pero syempre they asked kung anong gagawin ko about telling Xavier, I think they intentionally veered away from asking kung kaya ko na bang patawarin yung anak nila. I'm thankful for that again kasi hindi ko pa ready harapin yung tanong na yon. Humabol sakin si Tiff before ako sumakay sa kotse ko. "Harper, sorry I couldn't say it sa loob because hindi pa nasasabi ni Xavier kela mommy."

"OMG don't tell me you already said to him na I'm pregnant." Panic again. Kasi they all promised me (yet again) na wag muna nilang sabihin kay Xavier na buntis ako. That one was easy kesa dun sa una kong hiniling sa kanila na wag silang magalit.

"No of course not. I talked to him habang nag sosoul-searching ka sa Europe and he's planning to come home for Christmas. I wanted to let you know kasi baka magulat ka e."

"Thank you. Yeah I'll prepare for that baka tumakbo ako palayo pag nag kita kami." ;I laughed nervously. Di malayong gawin ko yun.

"Ako bahala sayo, we can practice." OMG nandito nanaman ako sa pag practice. Every time I practice, hindi natutuloy.

"Thanks ate." I hugged her again and left. It actually lightened my emotional load na alam na nila. It only leaves telling Xavier, Jem and Liv, and my family. I think pwede ko na sabihin kela Jem kasi they can keep this a secret bago pa malaman ng iba.

"Natuwa sila no?" Franco asked me while we were waiting sa corridor ng hospital. I have a weekly OB check-up and I asked Franco to accompany me. Saka ko na isasama si tita Tanya kasi nahihiya pa rin ako. Kinekwento ko ngayon kay Franco how my confession went.

"Yes. It was a relief."

"Harper, di ko alam kung negative ka lang palagi or what pero sobrang giveaway na matutuwa sila with your news. You keep forgetting na sila ang nagpalaki kay Xavier and alam mong matutuwa si Xavier sa sasabihin mo, e di mas lalu na sila." Franco stated the obvious. Umirap ako at no one.

Xavier. I still don't know what to do with him. But as ate Tiff said, uuwi naman sya a week before Christmas so it will be my only time to tell him. Kahit na sinabi na ni Franco na matutuwa sya, I still wonder. I've been constantly imagining his reaction. Minsan naiiyak nanaman ako wishing everything happened differently. Na okay parin kami hanggang ngayon.

One night I watched our Iceland videos and I turned up the audio hoping marinig ng anak namin yung boses ng daddy nya. I still hate Xavier, but I'll always be glad na sya yung tatay ng anak ko. He'll be a wonderful father, hindi naman magbabago yung opinyon ko dun. Kahit hindi sya yung magiging asawa ko.

I leaned on Franco's shoulders. "You think babalik pa sya ng Seattle after I tell him?" I asked, wondering. Franco chuckled. "Honestly Harper, makulit ka sa tanong mong yan. Alam mo namang hindi e. Pero baka pag pinag usapan nyo ng maayos, he might do it. Alam mo namang patay na patay yun sayo."

"Tangina kung dati maniniwala pa ko, pero dahil nakita ko sya with..." ;I trailed, because right on time, Xavier's ex exited the clinic next to my doctor's. WTF!!!! Sa lahat ng makikita ko ngayon si Kylie talaga???? Putangina talaga! I pretended that I don't know her, pero sya I can feel her eyes linger on me and Franco before averting them. To my horror, she walked slowly looking at her phone then parang may tinawagan sya. "Hi hon. Yes, I'm done already. How's your class? I told you numerous times Xavier, I'll come back to Seattle tomorrow. You're missing me too much no? I love you too." Her sweet voice rang in my ears kahit sa iba nako nakatingin.

Gusto ko syang sunggaban!!!!! Gusto ko syang saktan!!!! Gusto kong silaban yung buhok nya!!!! Franco held my shaking hand para pigilan ako. He whispered. "Harper..." Wala pa nga akong ginagawa. Tangina!!! Does she know who I am? Malamang! Tiff mentioned that she saw me in Xavier's IG posts long ago, so she deliberately called Xavier. Well magsama silang dalawa, for all I care.

Of course I cared dahil di naman ako mang gigigil ng ganito kung wala lang saakin. Isa lang lord, isang sampal lang.

"Miss Javier?" The doctor's secretary called me. I was glad I have to do something else kasi sa sobrang gigil ko baka sipain ko na yung likod ng ex ni Xavier. Sorry, hindi na sya yung ex, girlfriend na ulit sya. So wala kang karapatan, Harper. "Harper?"

Oh good god! Kailangan dalawa talaga today???? Tangina sino pa ba?

Nagulat akong nakatayo pag pasok palang sa clinic ng doctor ko I wanted to run away. Holly was sitting down sa desk ng usual OB ko holding my file.

"You're pregnant????" She was shocked as I was. Mga 30 seconds kaming nakatitig sa isa't isa. Fuck. Do I lie???

"Why are you here? Where's Dra. Rivera?" I asked, nakatayo pa rin ako not quite sure if I should answer her or kung itutuloy ko ba tong check-up na to. Pointless to lie since she was already holding my file.

"She asked me to fill in for her. You're pregnant??" She double-checks my file and finally naglakad nako papunta sa kanya.

"I think nandyan sa file ko." Okay, sorry Xavier mukhang huli ka pang makakaalam.

"Five months??? Why aren't you showing yet?" She looks over at my belly.

"Wag kang OA, naka dress lang ako. How do you know my OB anyway?" Small talk to divert.

"She's a friend of Leo, my boyfriend." Gusto kong umirap. Unfortunately wala nakong mapapagmayabang sa kanya na Xavier dahil I just saw yung bagong lumang girlfriend nung Xavier na yon sa labas. Gaaaahhhh. Sayang wala nakong morning sickness para may excuse akong sumuka ngayon. I hate this morning.

"Do mom and dad know?"

"No, not even Hilda." I shrugged. "Are you going to examine me? Kasi I'm going to be super uncomfortable so maybe I should just resched." Yeah, I don't really want her examining me.

"Why? You made such a big deal about keeping secrets tapos you're here keeping a 5-month old one." Inirapan ko sya. How exactly can I tell her they don't know yet kasi kahit yung mismong tatay ng anak ko hindi pa alam? I can't exactly say na recently ko lang nalaman because she's holding my file.

"I'm pregnant Holly, I'm not dying. Those are two different things." Gusto ko din masuka sa mga pinagsasasabi ko. Parang wala akong control bilang badtrip nako just five minutes ago dahil sa tanginang Kylie na yan. Holly was silent waiting for the real reason kasi alam nyang umiiwas lang ako. "I plan to tell them over the next family dinner. Madami pa kaming inaayos ni Xavier. So I would appreciate it if you shut up about this. Don't you have that rule about patient-doctor confidentiality?" Ugggghhh saying Xavier's name out loud is cringey. I fucking hate you, Kylie!

"I'm not your doctor." Holly pointed out.

"Then examine me already so you can indirectly be my doctor." I scowled at her. Wala syang nagawa. Pareho kami.

"Do you want to know the gender of your baby?" She asked as I was already lying down and she was preparing the ultrasound.

"Ummm no."

The reason I didn't want to know just yet was because I wanted Xavier with me so we can find out together. Mangyayari pa kaya yon? My thoughts made me sad.

"Oh, you're waiting for Xavier." Nagets na nya so I didn't have to explain. I'm also glad she said Xavier's name differently from how she does it before na parang flirting. Nakakabuti pala yung boyfriend nya for her. I didn't answer her anymore. After the check-up, she handed me a print-out. It was the picture of my baby. She kept one copy for herself and I looked at her ng nagtataka why ginawa nya yon.

"What? It's my first..." Alam nya yung gender! Cheater!! Well basta wag nyang sabihin saakin. "... pamangkin. I want to keep my first photo of him or her." She finished. Di ko alam paano ako magrereact. This was the first time in years that Holly acted like a sister to me.

"Okay bye. Just don't tell anyone else yet, Dra. Javier." I said with a small smile. Awkward parin ako but I think this is a step closer to a change in how Holly and I treat each other.

This day is so full of surprises, natatakot nakong mag hapon baka mamaya meron pa kong mabangga kung saan-saan.

Naglakad ako ng mabilis kasi sa totoo lang I'm checking if Kylie was still lurking around. Ngayon na alam kong okay yung baby ko and healthy sya, ready nako manampal. Pero si Franco napaka bagal, hatak-hatak ko na sya.

"Harper, she's gone. Ano bang gagawin mo sa kanya?" He asked natatawa sya sa ginagawa kong pag hahanap kay Kylie. "Tangina please Franco isang suntok lang sa mukha nyang retokado." Lalung natawa si Franco. "Medyo nakakabaliw pala pag buntis no?"

"Shut up." I glared at him. Swerte nyang Kylie na yan umalis na sya.

"Can we go sa beach next week?" I asked as we rode the elevator towards the parking.

"Kanina lang gusto mo na manuntok tapos ngayon gusto mong magswimming?"

"Ano bang gusto mo? Manuntok ako or mag swimming?" I eyed him. Sanay na din sya sa mga biglaan kong ideas. Pregnancy whims and tawag nya. I'm just glad na nandito sya for me.

"Sakto parang gusto din daw mag beach ni Liv. Harper please tell them already? Nahihirapan na din ako sa kanya bukod kay Xavier. She keeps asking kung anong nangyayari sayo at bakit daw tayo palaging magkasama." Natawa ako. "Ohmygod, don't tell me nagseselos si Liv?"

"Sana nga e. Nagseselos sya kasi ako yung kasama mo at hindi sya." Franco shook his head.

"Okay sige dun ko sa beach sasabihin sa kanila ni Jem. I'll book us sa Acuatico for the weekend. You're driving us sa Friday because if Jem drives, half a day yung masasayang." I said satisfied dahil may bago nakong pupuntahan sa weekend. This "life" is definitely rubbing on me. Pero again, I'm not going to admit that to Xavier's face. "Fine. Demanding pregnant woman." He muttered.

Well sobrang nagulat si Jem at Liv sa news ko, then they go on telling me na hindi pala talaga sila gulat. I told them everything especially what happened in Seattle so lalung mas nagalit si Jem kay Xavier dahil di parin sya over dun sa sulat. Every time she remembers it, naiinis daw sya. Si Liv naman syempre very Liv yung advise, pag usapan daw namin ni Xavier pag balik nya.

Of course, like everything in my life, hindi pa ko prepared dun. I kept ignoring the days that passed. Ni hindi nga ako makapag decorate ng Christmas tree because it will just remind me na malapit ng dumating si Xavier at malapit na kaming magka usap. Paano kaya pag sinama nya si Kylie? Tangina di naman siguro. I don't think he could do that to me ng harap-harapan.

(text) Tatay: We miss you apo, are you coming home for family dinner sa Sunday?

(text) Me: Opo tay. I'll see you!

(text) Tatay: Okay I'm hosting the dinner and I take requests ng favorite mong ulam.

(text) Me: Adobo please tay! Hahaha

Ahem, Harper, adobo? Bakit kaya biglang adobo na yung gusto mo over kaldereta? Ugggh. Annoying subconscious. I think yung anak ko yung may craving ng adobo. Specifically yung gawa ng daddy nya.

(text) Tatay: We'll make sure there's adobo for you at para sa apo ko sa tuhod.

(text) Me: Thanks tay!

I happily arrived sa bahay nila Xavier. Dinner was fun din. "What are your Christmas plans Harper?" Tita Tanya asked. Oh shit. Xavier will be here by that time. I quickly glanced at ate Tiff who shook her head discreetly telling me na hindi pa alam ng parents nila that Xavier is coming home.

"Uuhhhmmm tita I'm spending Christmas Day with my family as usual. Christmas eve baka quiet night in lang to rest because may work ako ng 23." I said. Di nila alam na pag December 24, I use that day to read manuscripts for work hanggang makatulog ako.

"Nonsense! You'll be here with us para makilala mo the rest of the family who are flying in from France and for your first Arnaiz Christmas Eve celebration." Tito said, while beaming at me. How can I say no pag lahat sila nakatingin sakin at ngiting-ngiti? I nodded smiling.

Sa totoo lang Harper, you don't want to say no. This has always been the family you wanted. Let's see kung anong mangyayari pag nandito na si Xavier. If maaannoy ako sa kanya I can always tell tita na I changed my mind or my mom wanted me sa bahay. Though alam ko magegets nyang umiiwas lang ako sa anak nya.

I excused myself para mag cr habang gumagawa sila ng plano for their visiting relatives and for the holidays na din. Preggy bladder ugggh.

Pag labas ko ng cr I can hear them talking loudly.

"Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi that you're coming home right now?" I heard tita. Medyo lumapit ako ng konti while still hiding sa corridor. Kumakabog na yung dibdib ko. I have a feeling kung sinong dumating.

"I told ate." His voice made my heart jump.

Xavier.

"You told me next week ka pa uuwi not right now!" Tiff said defensively at medyo natataranta. Shit! I left my phone sa dining table!

"I need to see Harper." Xavier said. Walang pag aalinlangan and full of urgency.

I hurried back sa bathroom and locked the door.

Tangina!!! I looked around and dead end yung corridor. If I'm getting out of here, I need to pass them. Mahuhuli ba ko pag gumapang ako?