Saving Harper

For the very last time.

This was my promise to myself. This will be the last time I let someone take a piece of myself.

I felt my phone vibrate, it was Franco. Mga six times na syang tumatawag saakin and I somehow think he knows what happened. Di lang ako sigurado how.

"Franco." I said in a steady voice as I answered.

I cried in the cab that I had to take to get back to the hotel kasi parang nahilo nako from what I saw hours ago. I also cried pag dating ko sa hotel. Pakiramdam ko pigang piga nako. Masakit parin, pero pagod na pagod nakong umiyak. The only thought I had when I was alone in that hotel room was I couldn't bear to be there anymore. It felt like I was already suffocating so I packed my bags to leave kahit na kinabukasan pa ko dapat aalis.

"Huy anong nangyari sayo? I told you to call me." His voice gave him away. May alam sya. Pero ano? Did Xavier somehow see me?

It would have been a scene in a movie or book. He would see me, I would walk away, he would chase me, uulan in the middle of our chase scene, and I would say my monologue and he would tell me he loves me and all is well. Happy ending. Better suited, it would have been a scene from fiction, since it was all we had.

Ayoko ng tanungin sa sarili ko kung bakit hindi nya ako hinabol kung nakita man nya ko. I didn't want to hear the answer anymore. Maybe Xavier did see me, and his first call was to Franco. "Parang alam mo na e." I told him.

"I saw Kylie's post sa IG and kasama nya si Xavier? Kaya kita tinatawagan kanina pa. Nag usap ba kayo? What happened?" Tuloy-tuloy sya. I think it was an honest answer and Xavier didn't see me. Tangina nung ex nya na yon nag post pa talaga! Well, I can't really blame her, wala naman syang ginagawa e.

Alam nya kaya that Xavier already has you! Well, HAD. And she just grabbed that opportunity! Tangina I didn't even realize that when I gave Xavier his best chance, not only would I lose him, pati ex-girlfriend nya binigyan ko din ng best chance nya. Well, mag sama silang dalawa! I don't want to see either of them ever again.

I told Franco everything na nangyari kanina. "Putangina." He said unbelievingly. "Di ko na tatanungin kung anong nararamdaman mo. I'm sorry Harper."

"Ikaw pa talaga nagsosorry? Xavier ba pangalan mo? But you know what? If he tells me he's sorry, isasaksak ko lang yun sa lalamunan nya. I don't need it anymore." I seethed. Gusto kong sabunutan tong katabi ko sa inis.

"Sorry dahil kinampihan ko pa sya. Di ko naman nakita na ganito yung mangyayari. Even if it doesn't make sense. Why would he go back to his ex? He told me, wala na yung babaeng yon para sa kanya."

"Tangina Franco, wala nakong pakielam. He might be just saying that to you kasi alam nyang kaibigan kita. Is he honestly going to say na di pa sya over sa ex nya knowing how close we are? And I saw them with my own two eyes. I'm mad at him, but I'm not crazy to hallucinate." And if I were to hallucinate, I'm sure as hell I wouldn't include his ex!

"Di kaya they just ran into each other?" I could feel Franco was just thinking out loud and mas kausap nya yung sarili nya more than me.

"Wow. Sa University of Washington? Ano nag mamaster's din sya for modeling? She's retiring soon. So ano nag jogging lang sya tapos napadpad don? And how would she even know he's there??? Unless HE told her." I've thought about scenarios why she would be there, but before I could even make more excuses for Xavier in my head, I stopped myself. Tama na, Harper. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

Iba pag sinasaktan ka ng ibang tao, but when you invite them to do it to you? Ikaw na yung tanga non.

"Franco, I swear, if you defend him mag sama kayong tatlo ng ex nya."

"Pass sa threesome. Pero paano mo sa kanya sasabihin ngayon yung sa anak nyo?" ASA syang babalikan ko sya don!

"Saka na, busy naman sya sa model girlfriend nya. Or I could just write him a letter since yun naman yung trip nya." I said bitterly. Yeah, bitter. Dadating naman yung time na I can say that without feeling anything at all. Or less bitterly. "Okay ka lang ba like physically? Do you feel anything? Are you safe? Wala ka naman sigurong katangahang gagawin?" Define katangahan? Kasi I already fell in love with someone na akala ko mahal din ako, diba katangahan na yon? Iniwan nya ko, mahal ko parin sya. Sinaktan nya ko, mahal ko parin sya. Tanga.

"Nasaan ka pala? Bakit parang ang ingay?" Do I tell Franco where I am? I was in a place na hindi ako pwedeng mag wala. Wala akong choice kung hindi maging manhid dito dahil paaalisin ako pag nag wala ako. "Pauwi ka na ba?" "Airport. Not exactly."

"Anong 'not exactly'?"

I hesitated, but alam ko namang di nya ko pipigilan sa pag alis. "Ayoko munang bumalik dyan Franco. I'm flying to UK, Cambridge more specifically." I said sheepishly. "I want to clear my head."

"Sana pala sinamahan nalang kita. May libreng segue trip pa ko sa UK. Do you need me?" He said hopefully. Kahit na his company would comfort me, I really wanted to be alone.

"I think I want to be alone muna." Seattle was the stopover. Well, fuck you Seattle, see you never.

"Okay, be safe Harper. Ako na bahala muna dito sa office. I'll tell George you'll be using your sabbatical leave already." If anyone who could understand why I'm doing this, it's Franco. "Thank you. For everything."

"Harper question, paano pag tumawag si Arnaiz sakin?" The way he said 'Arnaiz' wasn't as friendly as he used to do before. Well I'm glad he finds his friend as an asshole now.

"Wag mong sagutin if you want. Or tell him to jump off a bridge. Or wala nakong pake. But please don't tell him I was here. It's too humiliating. Nahihiya akong I let this happen to me." I exhaled.

"Bakit ikaw ba nagimbita ng ex nya dyan? I understand that you went there to tell him you're pregnant and it was a very prudent thing to do. Pero naiintindihan ko din kung hindi mo na tinuloy. Start doing things for yourself Harper. Eto na yung oras na kailangan mong mahalin yung sarili mo."

"Yeah, funny na ngayon yung oras na dapat kong sundin yung pinag sasasabi nya sakin dun sa sulat nya. The irony is too mind-numbing." This one I said really bitterly dahil now of all days would be the worst time for me to admit na tama si Xavier. I just hope he didn't say those things to me because this was all going to happen.

"Here's my advise as your friend. Stop thinking about him. Actually stop thinking about anything else including work. Yes, I will know pag nagsend ka ng email dahil I'll ask IT to link your email with mine so wag ka na mag attempt. I'll tell everyone to never reply to you as well. You need this. Enjoy your time away, Harper. Heal. Alam mo naman who will need you to be emotionally stronger pag balik mo, your son or daughter."

I said my goodbye and promised to I'll call him once in a while to update him.

If it worked out with Franco nasaan kaya ako ngayon? Would it be as painful as this? Or mas simple, uncomplicated? I don't think I could ever love anyone else like how I loved Xavier, but look where it got me? So yes if I loved someone else, I wouldn't be feeling this shitty right now.

The degree of love is directly proportional to the amount of pain.

*

London agreed with my mood. It was gray and downcast, but I've always liked being here. And because I have family in UK, less gastos to run here if I wanted a place that wasn't home. I enjoyed London for a little bit then went on my way to Cambridge kung saan mas tahimik. My tita (mom's sister) lives there sa dating bahay ng lolo at lola ko where they were also doctors there. My mom seldom goes back here to visit and I didn't even know when my grandparents died, I can't even remember if I saw them.

My tita was surprised when I showed up at her doorstep but she was pleased that family came to finally visit. Like titas, she asked too many questions, which of course I lied with my answers than tell her the embarrassing truth that a broken heart led me here.

"When will your mom visit?" OMG doesn't she know that my mom is sick?! I swear di ko talaga maintindihan yung mga rason ng nanay ko. This is her sister! Well, I was one to talk. Before I became close to Hilda we barely spoke, and Holly, well she's still breathing as far as I know.

"Tita, ummm, didn't she tell you anything?" I hesitated. I know it wasn't mine to tell but my mom's days were numbered so it's a really bad idea to keep this from her sister. "What? Did something happen?" Napakamot ako sa leeg ko, parang masyado nakong napasubo. This wasn't just Jem na napaka simple lang kung ako yung magsasabi, but I can't just nag my mom to tell her condition to her own sister. And knowing her, di din nya gagawin.

I told her everything and nahirapan pa kong mag explain medically but dahil doctor din sya, I think alam naman nya what I was saying. She was silent as I gave her time to let it all sink in. Crap. Baka pag awayan pa namin to ng nanay ko, among all other things.

"I'm not surprised she hid this. Heather has always had a hard time showing her vulnerable side. She always wanted to be seen as strong. Especially when it comes to her family." Damn, that sounds VERY familiar. I felt slightly squirmy over the thought na pareho kami don ng nanay ko. I don't want to pry anymore baka ayoko lang yung marinig ko. "It was because of our mom. They had a difficult relationship." I could only nod.

"I never knew lola. Mom barely talks about her. Actually I only knew her name-Dianne. And lolo's-Henry and saw a few pictures."

"Well she was the reason why Heather left here. Your mom felt na lahat ng ginagawa nya wasn't good enough for our mom."

Kinakabahan nako ngayon. They always said we'd grow up to eventually become our mothers. Anak, promise, you won't go through that.

Kala ko titigil na yung tita ko pero parang nageenjoy syang mag reminisce. "She wasn't like that growing up. She was so carefree and fun. We all thought she wasn't going to attend med school because she didn't want to and she was so vocal about it. But the pressure from mom became too hard that she felt she didn't have a choice anymore." I swallowed hard at what my tita said. I couldn't imagine my mom as carefree and fun. Ever since ang strict na nya saamin. And she didn't want to be a doctor?! Di ko masyadong matago na gulat ako over that fact. Akala ko nga may stethoscope na sya pag panganak palang sa kanya. What did she want to be???

Tita continued. "She resented mom. Kasi even if she did what our mom wanted, it wasn't enough. She pressured Heather with everything, even marriage. Ate even left her boyfriend here para lang maka layo, she was that miserable. She came back sa Philippines and met your dad and finally got to live her life. Pero in a way it changed her. She didn't even come back here when mom died." AHHHHHHHKKKKK! It was like my life and a possible future was being narrated for me.

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"I didn't know that." Yup, because along the way, I became a shitty daughter.

"I can only imagine why Heather refused to tell you kids all these things. Siguro she just chose to forget it. Not that I blame our mom, she also didn't have an ideal life. Dad died early and she had to raise 5 kids by herself here, so I think she just raised us and wanted us to be the only thing she knew-to be a doctor. Mom also had zero tolerance for failure, so talagang mahirap din syang maging nanay."

Was it the same for mom? Na somehow dahil she was only allowed to be like that, parang yun na din yung ginusto nya para saamin? And because it worked well with Holly, inaasahan nyang magiging ganon din saakin?

"When did lola die?" I've always felt na deprived ako sa lolo at lola kasi dad's parents died when I was still a baby, and I've always assumed na bata pa din ako nung namatay yung grandparents ko sa side ni mommy. "15 years ago." She said. What the hell, matanda nako when she died and di man lang sya pinakilala saamin ni mommy??? She hated her that much??? My tita went on telling me stories about my mom's childhood and their mom.

Madaming moments sa stories ng tita ko when I would realize kung gaano ka galit yung mommy ko sa nanay nya. Kasi it reflected my feelings. Palagi kong sinasabi na I don't want to be my mom. Na gagawin ko lahat ng hindi nya ginawa for us and ayokong madeprive yung anak ko sa pagmamahal at pag iintindi, but I really never asked myself if I wanted to be that kind of daughter. Like her. Unknowingly, I already was. I'm so bitter and unforgiving at nilayo ko yung sarili ko sa kanila. Now that my own mom is dying, would I do the same thing she did all those years ago?

I wanted to set a good example for my child as a mother pero paano naman as a daughter? Would my child grow up na hindi ko din masabi what kind of relationship I had with my parents?

Franco was right. I needed to get away to find myself. Pag balik ko, kailangan alam ko na yung gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Di lang para sa sarili ko, but para sa anak ko. And I needed to know my mom's history for it.

I stretched the "me time" for a month. I stayed for a week in Cambridge, flew to Scotland then Amsterdam and toured much of Italy. Even if I was alone, I've never felt more happy and peaceful. Yes, sometimes I do think about Xavier, it was hard not to kasi we wanted to do this trip together. And because he keeps calling and I finally had the guts to block him. I cried to Franco that night. Surprisingly, I felt a little lighter the morning after, and the morning after that. At first I didn't want to document my trip, but I figured it was something I wanted to show my child. For once di ko kailangan mag panggap na may buhay ako dahil meron na ngayon, and he or she is technically part of this trip. I ended up taking lots of pictures. Some I sent to Franco, Jem and Liv na gulat na gulat na wala pala ako sa Pilipinas. I also uploaded some sa IG. I already want my child to be born so we can go around the world together. The thought warmed my heart but I pushed the thoughts of Xavier going with us on those trips like one happy family at the back of my head. Sa mind attic ka muna.

Who knew solo trips were this fun? I've never felt more independent. I saw sights that I can only imagine to see in person, got lost a few times, met strangers and heard some of their stories, got to learn cooking since I made it a point to include cooking classes at every country I visited (kala mo naman ang dami) so I learned to do pizza dough and cook pizza oh and I loved the age-old pasta making class taught by grandmothers. Medyo naiyak pa ko dun because I remembered all the stories about my mom (kahit super layo, naconnect ko pa) and of course i was crying because of hormones. I tried lots of things, including food that I sometimes throw up the following day because I was still getting morning sickness. But I can feel na gusto ng anak ko yung food that I was trying. Happy baby sya.

My spirits were very much lifted by the time na nakabalik nako sa Pilipinas. I was ready to face my laundry list of things I need to deal with.

First was my family.

The weekend when I got back, I found myself entering the gates of my parents' house. I don't even know if they were home but I went anyway before I can chicken out. It was already time bago pa may mangyari and forever kong pag sisihan na hindi ko to ginawa sooner. I was now willing to let go of all my pride and hate.

It was my dad who first saw me, and for some reason kinabahan parin ako kahit na ngumiti sya like how he used to when he comes home from his hospital duty and sinasalubong ko sya. AHHHHHKKKK. I can't believe napaiyak na agad ako from that smile. It was like the return of the prodigal daughter.

He walked to me and gave me a hug as I cried in his arms. No words were needed at alam na nya why I was here. And what it took for me to come here. We stayed like that for a while.

"Where's mom?" I finally asked and bumitaw na ko sa dad ko then sabay kaming nagpunas ng luha.

"She's having morning tea out." He simply answered and took his newspaper and climbed the stairs wanting to give me and my mom some privacy to talk. I took a deep breath and walked towards the veranda.

My mom was sipping her tea and looking at her phone nung umupo ako sa armchair that was originally occupied by my dad. And as always, the maid placed tea and coffee for me. "Miguel just got engaged. Isn't he the same age as Holly? She should hurry up. Is Leo already annulled?" Mom said absent-mindedly. I think akala nya ako yung dad ko. Leo pala pangalan ng boyfriend ni Holly? Shitty sister present, but I think si Holly parin yung winner don.

When I didn't answer, she glanced at me and was surprised to find me there. Nagsisi ako na hindi man lang ako nagpractice ng sasabihin sa kotse on my way here. Now I look stupid just looking at her. Napansin ko how much she's physically changed from the last time I saw her. She lost some weight. Dun palang naiiyak nako.

Harper, pull your fucking self together!

Anak, help me with the hormones. And what I need to say to your lola.

"I went to Cambridge and I got to see tita Danielle. I think I stayed with her for almost a week? For vacation." I can't believe I'm starting this off with small talk. Nagulat din sya dun sa sinabi kong I took a trip there. "How is she?" Ma! Pumunta ka na don to see her! And all your other siblings. I was dying to tell her. "She's okay, busy sa hospital, but she misses you." Halata naman on how fondly her sister talks about their childhood memories. "Yeah, we should go back." She tried. She's testing if I'll reject the idea of going with them.

"We should. Soon." I sipped on my tea. Yeah, ang nagagawa ng pag punta ng UK and my pregnancy, I'm now a tea drinker. My mom genuinely smiled. "Tita had so many stories about you growing up there." I started. Di ko mabasa if she wants to talk about this.

"Yes, it was a nice place to grow up in. Muntik na namin kayong dalhin don ng daddy mo to live there when Hilda was born." Something tells me she didn't because of her mom. "Sayang naman e di sana may British accent nako." I joked. "I still have mine. I can teach you." Ohmygod I can't believe pumapatol na sakin yung mommy ko and not just brushing me off like everything I'm saying was ridiculous and designed to annoy her. Most of the time yes because it was too easy to push her buttons.

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"Why didn't you, though? Why didn't we live there?" I tested the waters since she already brought it up. "It's complicated." She answered. Same words I usually use when I talk about family. We really had so much in common. And that's why I'm here, para hindi mangyari saamin yung ending ng kwento nila ng lola ko. It will be too heart-breaking. "Because of lola Dianne?" I asked her. She stayed silent. Parang ayaw na nyang pag usapan.

"Believe it or not, I used to be like you. I wanted different things from what my mom wanted for me. I wanted to be a musician since I used to play the violin, and I was good at it too. But my mom felt na it was more of a hobby and not a career so she pushed me to become a doctor instead. I hated her for it. For the longest time. Pero hindi dahil naging doctor ako, mainly because I had no choice sa buhay ko, and because she was right." She said in a faraway voice. Na parang she's digging deep and ngayon lang nya sinabi to sa kahit kanino.

I stayed silent. I don't get it. She did the same thing to me. The very same thing she hated. "You're probably wondering why I was too hard on you lalu na when you chose a different path. It was because my mom was, as I said, right. My life became better nung sinunod ko sya. It was something I couldn't admit to her because I've been very vocal about hating how she left me with no choice, and pride na din. I lived with my shame dahil namatay syang hindi nya alam yon. I couldn't bear to go back because of my broken heart because I never thanked her for the life that I have now and the life I was able to give to you and your sisters."

Naluluha na sya. "I've always been afraid for you three. I wanted the best lives for you. Na mapapalagay lang ako na pag nawala na kami ng daddy nyo, you will still have the same comforts that we provided you. And I thought the best way for that is if you had the same future as I had. Natatakot ako na you'll come back to me and say that you're miserable with your life because we never pushed you to have a better future and pinabayaan lang namin kayo." She exhaled and I could now feel her pain. "I wasn't able to foresee that you will come back to me one day and tell me or make me feel that your life was miserable because I was your mother."

She was already in tears and naiyak din ako kasi I wasn't able to see it like that. I didn't see her struggles as a mother. Her fears. I would have those same fears. In fact, ngayon pa lang madami nakong naiisip about my child's future that would be enough to drive me into an anxiety attack. To think hindi pa sya pinapanganak. What more pag nakikita ko na syang lumalaki before my eyes?

"I'm so sorry ma. I was too absorbed with my pain, my anger and my feelings. I was so bitter. Hindi ko man lang sinubukan intindihin whatever reason you may have for you insisting what you wanted for me, even your disappointment with what I chose to do with my life." I hope she understood what I was saying through my tears.

"Honey, I wasn't disappointed. Well, I was at first. I sometimes ask myself if intentionally mo kaming hindi sinunod. Pero it's more of my fear of what you will become. Lalu na because I couldn't guide you because I have no idea what you do in your chosen field. I felt incompetent as a mother not knowing na dun nako papunta nung point na yon. I'm sorry, I should have trusted you Harper. Na even if we didn't see eye to eye, I should have been confident that you know what you're doing and I should have been more supportive. I hated my mom and I uncontrollably became her. Sana mapatawad mo ko sa lahat ng naging pagkukulang ko and for being too tough."

I was already crying really hard. Masakit, but not because I was feeling the pain for myself but nararamdaman ko yung sakit for her.

The people we love always start with the best intentions for us-my dad, my mom, my lola for my mom, Xavier, but somewhere along the way in our lives there is always a big chance that we will screw up. Then we end up hurting each other usually without meaning to.

I stood up and walked over to her side and hugged her and she held me. "I'm really sorry din ma. Madami din akong naging pag kukulang sainyo ni dad. Lalu na sa pagiintindi. I hope you can also forgive me." We continued crying as we held each other. "I love you anak." She said, mas lalu akong naiyak because I haven't heard her say that in a long time already. "I love you too." I answered. It felt like a giant rock was lifted that has been weighing my heart down for the longest time. I will forever be thankful that we had the chance for this. That we were not too late.

I had a peaceful and nice lunch with my parents. We weren't really emotional sa totoong buhay so we all went back to our normal selves, but at least now I can say na we weren't ignoring our real thoughts and feelings anymore.

I already wanted to tell my parents about being pregnant, but I think the morning was too dramatic as it is. I wanted Xavier to know first, but that was off the table now. Dadating yung time na mahaharap ko din sya to tell him. So instead, the following day I told the person closest to him.

Tatay stared at me after I told him I was pregnant and then broke into a smile. "Ay apo, ang tagal ko ng pinagdadasal na magka baby na si Tiff or si Xavier bago pa ko sumunod sa Nanay nila." I sighed with relief na masaya sya over the news. Well, he's a sweet lolo so konti lang naman yung kaba ko, pero nandun parin. I frowned at him. "Tay wag kang morbid!" Natawa sya at my reaction. "Did you already tell him?" Napanguso ako sa tanong nya.

"About that..." I trailed. "I wanted to tell him in person, so I flew to Seattle last month to see him." Don nagulat sya. Napakunot yung noo nya and I could almost hear his brain working to assume kung anong nangyari saakin since a month has already passed and Xavier never mentioned anything to them. "Tay, I wasn't able to tell him. Kasi when I went there, I saw him with Kylie." I was wishing I could tell him all of this without mentioning what I saw in Seattle kasi masakit parin, but I know he would want to know everything. I told him what happened. "Tay, I will tell him dahil sya yung tatay ng baby namin, but I can't do it now. When I saw them, it was too much for me. It took me a month before I could go home." Medyo aminado akong defensive ako dito.

"Harper, I want to tell you what to do but I also can't. Dito sa kwento mo sakin ngayon, nakikita kong nasasaktan ka. Lalu na dahil galing ka pa dun sa sakit na binigay nung sulat nyang iniwan. The only thing I can tell you now is madami kayong kailangan pag usapan ni Xavier. Kasi alam kong gusto nyang maging tatay sa anak nyo. And if you're not ready to face him yet, I'll respect that. I hope masabi mo sa kanya as soon as you can. And to the rest of the family." Ha? The rest of the family?

"They would want to know." Tatay could see the shock plastered on my face. I was hoping na it would be Xavier who gets to tell his family, or kahit si Tatay ngayon. Ahhhhkkk bakit ako? Ayoko nanamang magmukhang nagsusumbong because of the whole Xavier-Kylie scenario.

"Ummmm, bwelo muna ako Tay, I haven't even told my parents yet. I don't want to lie if they ask why Xavier is not with me anymore." Yup, takot akong sabihin sa kanila, not because nakakahiyang nangyari sakin to, but they'll crucify Xavier. I hate Xavier, but I don't think I can do that to him.

And I can't easily erase the fact that I love him. Still.

Di naman basta-basta mawawala yun e. It's not a stain I can easily erase. And maybe one I wouldn't be able to erase. I will always love him.

But it doesn't mean that I will always love him at the same degree. Love eventually wanes. That was the last thought I had when I boxed Xavier's remaining belongings that were still with me together with the photograph and the letter he gave, and drove to the place where I should leave it.

Did he really love me? I wondered. Or was I just a distraction? Someone he needed to open his eyes para makapag mahal sya ng totoo? I said before na ako yung character na iniiwan for their true love.

I will look for you in every lifetime and love you there.

Maybe this wasn't our lifetime. Maybe it will come, maybe it won't. Pero alam kong hindi na ko mag hihintay.

I placed the box in the middle of Xavier's condo and closed the lights and I walked away.