Saving Harper

"Paano pag sinabi nyang dun ka nalang?" Franco asked as he drank his beer. Nandito sya sa condo ko a day before my flight to "help" me finish packing pero mostly to coach me kung paano ko sasabihin kay Xavier na buntis ako. Tatlong araw lang ako dun but I filled up one large-sized suitcase with clothes. Not because I was hoping for a longer stay but in my mind gusto kong asarin si Xavier. Gusto ko mang gigil sya pag nakita nya yung bagahe ko and all the unnecessary clothes that I brought. Ay bubuksan mo ba maleta mo sa harap nya? He probably wouldn't even see my suitcase kasi I already booked a hotel for my stay. Para sure na wala akong gagawin na katangahan. "Diba binasura nya yung idea na yon? Saka ano namang gagawin ko don?" Uhh yeah Harper, kalimutan mong once upon a time nag plano kang lumipat don to play the doting wife to your non-boyfriend. "Ayokong malaman kung anong gagawin nyo don ni Arnaiz." He sniggered. Dumi ng isip. But good job to me on booking that hotel. Mahirap na baka mag iba yung direksyon ng hangin.

"Ha ha." Inirapan ko sya and umupo ako sa maleta ko habang sinasara ko. Medyo parang nakalimutan kong buntis ako ah, paano ko bubuhatin to? Diba strong ka Harper? I hate my subconscious. "So ano nga paano pag sinabi nya?"

"God, ano ako laruan? Don't wait for me, don't move your life, don't live for someone else, pero stay here? So, it's a no." Yan din isasagot ko kay Xavier. IF magtanong sya. IF. I still hate you, Xavier. Pwedeng idagdag yan. "Saka bakit mo tinatanong yan? Diba kampi ka sakanya? Diba you agree with him? So you know he's never going to ask that." I pointed out. Yes, Xavier will not ask that. Yata. I suddenly feel na parang hindi ko na sya kilala.

Franco made a face at me dahil alam nyang he's contradicting where he stands pag dating sa issue na to.

"Okay sige na, mag practice na tayo." He said when I finally stood up and rolled my luggage para ilagay na malapit sa pintuan. "Alam mo na pala kung saan mo sya pupuntahan?" He asked me as I plopped across him sa sofa. "University of Washington. Tapos kaya ko na sya hanapin don." Actually, I have no idea where to find him. How hard can it be? It's just a campus. Unlike guys, I have no problem asking for directions. I think I remember him mentioning Mercer Court? Basta may "court", it's a campus housing for graduates so madali lang hanapin yon.

Truth is, I just don't want to message him.

"Alam mo naman siguro kung gaano ka laki yung mga universities don diba? You want me to ask him para di ka na mahirapan?"

"No! Mamaya gumawa pa yon ng plano na dinner or whatever. I want to make this quick." Sa totoo lang kung malapit lang yung Seattle, magbabalikan nalang ako. Mukhang tanga if I just stay there for one day so ginawa ko ng 3 days. Dapat pala sinabi ko kay Julian to meet me there para may kasama ako at hindi ako lalapitan ni Xavier.

Just like Xavier saved me before from being pursued by Julian, gagawin ko talaga ulit? And opposite naman ngayon. User naman ako masyado non. Bukod sa magtatanong lang yon si Julian why I'm not with Xavier anymore or why I'm even inviting him there, I'll just be creating another mess, so wag na. Saka saan ka ba natatakot Harper?

Karupukan.

"Teka, alam ba nya na pupunta ka?" Franco eyed me.

"No." I plainly answered nanlaki yung mata ni Franco. "What does it matter anyway? Parang dumaan lang ako don to tell him something. No big deal." I said defensively. I don't know if Franco would understand lahat ng hesitations ko. Gusto ko lang gawin tong simple, pero deep inside, this is way more complicated.

Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Franco. Here it goes. "No big deal? Pupunta ka don to tell him you're pregnant, Harper. At 'dumaan'? Hindi yan sa condo nya sa Rockwell na wala pang 10 minutes nandon ka na. Di yan drive-thru." At least sa drive-thru may fries pa kong makukuha, e dito ano?

"Isipin mo nalang na surprise kunyari, ok." I rolled my eyes. Hindi nya ko mapipilit na sabihin kay Xavier ahead of time na pupunta ako don. Actually mag papanggap ako na may iba akong pupuntahan at stopover ko lang sya. Boston maybe? Para lalu syang mang gigil sakin dahil kilala nya kung sinong nasa Boston.

"I think surprise na yung sasabihin mo sa kanya." He retorted shaking his head in disbelief.

"Franco, I got this ok? Just help me practice kung anong mga sasabihin ko sa kanya para ready na ko pag dating ko don."

"Okay bahala ka. Basta tawagan mo ko pag nagka problema ka don."

"Bakit 'dadaanan' mo ko don?" I chuckled.

"Hindi kay Arnaiz kita papadaanan para mas lumaki problema mo." I scowled at him. Lakas mang asar.

"Just don't tell him."

"Oo na nga. Di ko na nga alam sasabihin ko sa kanya pag tinatanong ka nya saakin."

"Di mo nalang kasi sabihin na ayaw ko syang kausapin."

"Ahhh ayaw mong kausapin? Kaya pala pupunta ka don no?" Binato ko sya ng throw pillow.

"Tama na! Practice." Di na pala ako sure kung gusto ko ng kapatid na lalake kung yun yung binigay sakin.

Tumayo sya sa couch and umatras. "Okay sige, ako si Xavier, the love of your life and slow motion akong papasok sa restaurant." Feel na feel masyado ni Franco at slow-mo ngang papalapit sakin. Parang gago. "Ayusin mo!" I groaned. Dapat hindi ko to pinainom e.

"Okay, okay." Umupo na sya. "Paano mo ba sya gugulatin?"

"Di na kasama yon no! Di to full-scene performance. Yung sasabihin ko lang sakanya and your prediction kung anong sasabihin nya sakin."

"Fine. Eto talagang itatanong nya sayo. 'Bakit ka nandito?' But not exact words." Franco started.

"I need to tell you something, Xavier." I guess yun na umpisang sasabihin ko, pointless to do small talk. Ngumawa pa ko don tungkol sa sulat nya pag nag tanong sya kung kamusta na ko.

"He won't reply to that. Hihintayin ka lang nyang magsalita." Yeah probably.

I was silent. Hinihintay ako ni Franco na mag simula, and blanko.

"Harper, kung ano man yon, sabihin mo na kasi you wouldn't be here kung hindi to importante dahil hindi mo sinasagot yung mga tawag ko for days already, and now you're here." Yeah Xavier would also most probably say that. In that context anyway. "Just tell him straight up."

I exhaled loudly. Tama naman. "Sa totoo lang, I'm not one bit sorry for doing that kasi I really don't want to talk to you. But this one you need to hear from me personally that's why I came all the way here. I'm pregnant, Xavier." Tangina ngayon palang kinakabahan nako!

"Tapos mahihimatay na si Arnaiz. Tapos na." Uggggh. Maayos na sya kanina e. "Okay chill, Harper. Eto yung totoo. Knowing Xavier, matutuwa sya sa sasabihin mo. Di mo ba naisip yon? Ngingiti sya nga malaki, baka maiyak pa yon or magsisisigaw, tapos yayakapin ka nya ng mahigpit at hahalikan ka nya. Di ka nya pakakawalan." Franco said seriously.

Well shit.

I was prepared for a shocked Xavier, pero the ecstatic one? No. And it was actually the most obvious reaction from him. Ayoko lang tanggapin kasi mas madaling magalit. I placed my face in both of my hands and groaned loudly out of frustration. This was harder than I thought it would be, kasi talagang matetest yung karupukan ko.

Isang ngiti, that was all it took for me to fall for him. Paano pa pag niyakap nya ko and he tells me that me being pregnant is the best news he could ever get in his life? How do you burst that Harper?

"Harper madali lang pag sinabi nya sayong ayaw nya yung baby nyo or wala syang pakielam kasi pwede kang magalit sa kanya. Di natin kailangan ipractice yon. You could just easily walk away from an asshole. But that's not Xavier, alam natin yon. Are you really prepared for this?" Hinimas ni Franco yung likod ko to comfort me from my growing stress. Harper, how are you going to break his heart?

"No. Pero ano, itatago ko nalang to sakanya just because I'm not ready to face him yet or kung masaya man sya sa sasabihin ko sa kanya?" Well, I can do that. But do I really want to hide this?

"Then, continue. Your bags are packed sasakay ka nalang sa eroplano sabi mo nga wala ka ng choice but to do this. So anong sasabihin mo sa kanya pag yan ang reaction nya? At makikipag pustahan ako sayo na ganyan nga sya magrereact. Actually may naiisip pakong isang scenario, pero eto muna unahin mo."

"And I'm also here so we can talk about how we're doing this." I continued as if I'm really talking to Xavier.

"Anong how? Uuwi ako with you so we can raise our baby and take care of you. Yun lang yon Harper." I swallowed hard. Franco came here too prepared while I was just fucking winging this. Dapat sya nalang pinapunta ko don para ang mangyayari lang 'Pare buntis si Harper pero ayaw ka na nyang makita muna.' Tapos kay Franco sya mag mamakaawa.

Di ko kakayanin pag nag makaawa sakin si Xavier ng harap-harapan. I can easily reject calls and messages and block him, pero pag hinawakan na nya ko at pag iniyakan na nya ko, I might fall into pieces. But I can't.

Kaya mo to, Harper. "No, you're not going to do that Xavier."

"Ako yung tatay, I have every right to do that." Franco continued. Fuck. Pahirap ng pahirap!!!! Well tama naman si Franco, I can't just expect Xavier to take this sitting down and di ko din pwedeng isipin na kaya ko lang mag walk out after na parang 'FYI' lang tong sasabihin ko sa kanya.

"Yes you alone have that right and hindi ko tinatanggal yon sayo. You can take care of our child once nandito na sya. But for now you're talking about taking care of me. Hindi na yun yung gusto ko, Xavier. Besides, you made it clear in your letter that you want me to live my life. And yung anak natin, yun na yung buhay ko ngayon. So let me do that." Use his own words against him, that will work.

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"Harper, hindi mo na lang din buhay yan ngayon, eto na din yung buhay ko. This is OUR baby, kasama ako don. And this is my choice." Ugggh tangina napaka hirap! But an argument is what will definitely ensue. Kailangan ko lang isipin kung paano ko mapipilit yung gusto ko.

"Sige, you want to take care of our child? Then don't leave. Do what you came here to do kasi alam mo kung bakit? This is also for him or her. Kinabukasan nya yung mabibigay mo and you know you would want to give him or her the best future. If ayaw mo nang ituloy to para sayo, gawin mo para sa anak natin." Yes, always put the baby first para mapakita sa kanya yung dapat nyang gawin and alam ni Xavier na yun ang kailangan nyang unahin. I hope I could sway him with this. "Hindi lang ba to dahil dun sa sulat? Kasi I'm really sorry Harper. Okay isisingit ko to in case lang na mag sorry sya sayo." I just nodded. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Di ako ready sa sorry, but I might really get one. Ano nga bang mararamdaman ko? I faced away from Franco and pictured Xavier in front of me, like how it could play out. "Sorry? What exactly are you sorry for Xavier? Sorry because you asked me to live my life? Sorry because I'm here with our baby and suddenly you don't mean what you said? Sorry kasi iniwan mo ko? Saan don? Kasi Xavier tapos na e, now I'm starting to understand what you're saying about me living my life, tapos gusto mong bumalik ngayon?" My voice was already shaking. "Ang paulit-ulit kong iniisip gabi-gabi simula ng nawala ka at hindi maintindihan at hindi parin matanggap is why you left me without giving me any choice! Alam mo ba kung gaano ka sakit yon? Wala akong nagawa Xavier. Kasi wala ka na din e. Sulat lang ang iniwan mo sakin. Sasagutin ba non lahat ng tanong ko? Ilang araw kong hinintay na tatawagan mo ko but you call, what? After three fucking weeks? Then you expect me to just believe your promise that you'll come back to me na mahal mo ko pero kaya mo kong tiisin ng ganon ka tagal? Bakit? Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mo nagagawa yon kung mahal mo nga ako. I was ready and willing to give up my life for you. And what do I get for it? A goodbye letter that left me in pieces that I have to pick up on my own. Na kailangan ko lang tanggapin. Yes you might be sorry for all of that Xavier, I believe you. But I'm not ready to forgive you because you broke my heart in the worst possible way." I was already in tears while saying everything dahil nilabas ko na lahat. Franco looked at me na parang gusto na din nyang maiyak. Wala syang masabi so he just took me in his arms at dun nako humagulgol. Harper, how are you going to break his heart? Parang mapapakita mo pa sa kanya how he broke yours. How he broke you.

After a few moments, I was able to compose myself. Franco stood up to get me water. God. Ready nga ba ako dito? Parang hindi pa ata. This might be the worst idea I came up with.

"Harper, magiging okay ka lang ba don? Gusto mo next time nalang para masasamahan kita? Or susunod nalang ako?" Franco looked at me carefully. Perhaps I look like an emotional wreck right now.

"I have to do this. Baka hindi ko na gawin pag pinatagal ko pa. I'm sorry if I scared you Franco, siguro nadala nalang ako ng practice natin. And my hormones." Yeah kakaiba din minsan yung feeling na parang pa iba-iba lahat ng nararamdaman. ko, and the intensity of it made me pour my heart out. But it was everything I wanted to say to Xavier. It was everything I felt when he left me. And was still feeling.

Anak, kontrolin natin pag nandon na tayo ha, tayo lang magkasama don.

"Sure ka? Basta tumawag ka saakin agad. FaceTime. Para alam ko kung okay ka lang ba talaga." I can see the worried look on my friend's face.

"Yes. I'll just take your moral support with me, don't worry too much." I gave him a smile pero mabigat parin yung pag labas ko ng feelings ko. I really don't know how to repay Franco for all of this. Lalu na kasi sya lang yung kaibigan kong nakaka alam ng sitwasyon ko ngayon at pag balik ko, sya ang unang sasalo sakin whatever happens in Seattle.

"What's the other scenario na naisip mong reaction ni Xavier sa sasabihin ko sa kanya?" Naalala ko lang bigla yung sinabi nya kanina.

"Hmmm, wag na, parang ready ka naman na." He hesitated and with the way he hesitated, parang mabigat to. And Xavier might indeed think it or say it pero iniiwas nalang ni Franco dahil I'm so emotional right now. "Franco, the point of all of this is to prepare me. So kung ano man yan, ilabas mo na. All possible scenarios diba?" I reminded him.

Napabuntong hininga sya. "He will ask you to marry him."

Fucking shit.

This was all I ever wanted. Hindi na ba yun yung gusto mo ngayon? If I'm being honest with myself, I still want that. I couldn't imagine my future with anybody else. Mas gugustuhin ko nalang mag isa kung hindi lang din si Xavier yung makakasama ko. But how can I marry him when I can't even forgive him?

This is how I'm going to break his heart.

"No, I can't."

**********

Nagsuka ako ng tatlong beses sa eroplano, isa pa sa airport pag dating ko and now I'm puking sa hotel room the morning I arrived in Seattle. I don't know if it was just morning sickness or talagang kinakabahan lang ako. I decided to rest first bago ako lumabas to look for Xavier. Ang panget din naman na haharapin ko sya ng ganito itsura ko. My hotel was only one or two kilometers away from the university campus so I didn't need to hurry. And now that I'm here, I wasn't looking forward to seeing Xavier and our looming conversation just yet.

Harper, you're here for three days, if you want you can even talk to him on your last day. I doubt you'll even be seeing him around. He doesn't even know you're here.

After my rest, I started to walk around to find a good place to eat. I shouldn't have because I liked it here. Back in college, I've always loved walking around and seeing people and students strewn around our campus, here parang ganon din. There are cafes and restaurants, busy streets, inviting parks, and autumn was just nearing its end so ang ganda parin ng kulay ng mga puno. If I forget that I'm here for Xavier, I felt alive.

I began reading the book I brought along with me when I decided to find the nearest cafe after my lunch. And as I sit here, nararamdaman ko na din yung sakit. Masakit kasi as I looked outside the cafe window, I could imagine the life I could have had here.

I allowed myself a couple of minutes to feel and picture that. I'd do this exact same thing of reading somewhere as I wait for Xavier's class to end, buy groceries at the mart down the corner, go home, magluluto (probably learn first), weekend dates at the park or by the lake or exploring museums, a trip at the city center from time to time to buy baby things, birthdays, holidays, raising our child here, I could see it all. Then I consciously stopped myself. Wala na yon, Harper. It was over before it even began.

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I decided na I owe myself a day of peace so hindi ko muna hinanap si Xavier. It was a Friday anyway so may classes din sya and I didn't know his schedule. Yes medyo bitter ako dun kasi we didn't even get to that point for me to even be informed of his schedule.

The following day, I was really anxious because of the impending talk. I tried to rehearse again in my head nung mga sasabihin ko and yung mga posible ko pang isagot sa kanya. I decided to steer clear away from asking questions. Questions tend to change the direction of the conversation and this one, I plan to make straight to the point and quick.

I wanted to walk around to delay time as I had Xavier's campus apartment keyed in on my Google Maps. Too easy kasi halos deretcho lang on one street so walang chance for me to get lost.

Pag dating ko sa entrance nung apartment building, gusto ko nanaman sumuka. Get your shit together. Pag pasok ko, fuck. Kanino ako magtatanong? The lobby had students going in and out, there's also a reception desk but no one was there. Do I wait? Wala naman akong choice kasi di ko naman alam saan ko pupuntahan si Xavier.

Nung dumating na yung nasa lobby, I approached her. "Good morning, I want to ask what apartment number Xavier Arnaiz is staying at?" I greeted. Tangina. Parang dapat hindi ko nalang sya dito pinuntahan! Of course his apartment wasn't neutral territory! I should have messaged him to meet me at a cafe instead. Well, too late.

"I'm sorry but you are his...?" The girl asked. Syempre standard question. Malay ba nya kung magnanakaw ako.

What do I say? Ex-fake girlfriend? Too specific and too pathetic. The mother of his child? Mas lalu na yon. Sister?

"I'm a classmate of his. I need to return his book."

"Can I see some ID so I can phone to tell him." Ay tangina.

I swallowed hard. Ano magiimbento ka? Di mo dala ID mo?

"You're looking for Xavier Arnaiz?" A redhead guy overheard us and I was relieved when I turned to him. "Yes." I stepped away from the lobby desk to face the guy. Mukhang mas may makukuha pa ko sa kanya.

"He's my flatmate, but he's not there at the moment." Wow, busy ka Xavier? Bakit anong ineexpect mo Harper? Nasa apartment lang sya buong araw pag weekend parang ikaw? He now has a life that doesn't include you. And maybe that's why he wanted you to have yours as well.

"Where do you think I could find him?" I asked.

"He usually studies at a cafe nearby, you might find him there." Then he gave me the directions and I thanked him and immediately left bago pa nya matanong yung pangalan ko.

I walked slowly again kasi it was just two blocks away. If wala sya dito, imemessage ko nalang sya to meet me here di ko na kaya tong stress. Baka tama si Franco na dapat nagsabi nalang akong dadating ako.

I was nearing the cafe and my heart started pounding in my ears. Wag kang susuka sa sidewalk, girl. Kaya mo to, I told myself.

I saw him immediately, like how my eyes tend to gravitate towards him. He was sitting alone in a small table, drinking his coffee and looking at his phone. He looked like the same person who took my breath away every time I would see him. I could feel myself longing for him.

Pag humarap ako sa kanya at kinausap nya ko, I know there will be a huge chance I wouldn't be able to walk away. Na baka makalimutan ko lang yung mga sinabi ko kay Franco during practice. Na makalimutan ko yung sakit. Na baka magmakaawa lang ako sa kanya for us to stay together. That every pain I have because of him and all the hate would just dissolve the moment I face him. I should have done this on the phone instead.

Ayoko na, hindi ko to kaya. I turned my back bago pa nya ko makita. But before I can walk away, I reminded myself of why I'm here. Why I practiced my long and painful litany. If I walk away, it's all for nothing.

I closed my eyes and I took deep breaths trying to slow my heart rate down. I turned around and walked to open the cafe door.

Hindi ko pa nabubuksan yung pinto when I saw her through the glass door. She approached Xavier with a smile and sat down in the seat across him. I think I forgot to breathe as I watched.

It was his model ex-girlfriend.

So how do I break his heart?

I can't. Because he just shattered mine.

For the very last time.