Saving Harper

Faith and trust are such strange things. One day, you can trust one person with your whole life, and the next you can lose it entirely.

I've had faith and trust issues for as long as I can remember. It is with the people I love most that I trust and put my faith on. And when they are the ones who break it, it takes away a piece of myself. I've always felt broken and pagod nako over how people can easily break me.

And as I touch my belly, I know I have to be whole again for this growing life inside me.

I've always planned to try and be a great mother sa mga magiging anak ko. Nakita ko na lahat ng mga hindi ko dapat gawin sa mga magulang ko so I need to start being a better person. Hindi pwedeng bitter lang ako and hung up on so many things.

I have to try harder to be whole again.

I rejected Xavier's call because gusto kong panindigan yung pag tanggap ko ng desisyon nya. He hoped I would eventually forgive him for it, and dadating ako don. Just like dadating ako sa point na maaayos ko yung sa pamilya ko. But maybe not right now. Not now while I'm too broken to even function.

Mahal, I will try to heal myself for you.

For the first time, the highest form of unconditional love coursed through me for my growing child as I made that promise to him or her. One that will never be relegated to the box of unfulfilled and forgotten promises by the people I love. I may not know yet what I should do, but I know that I will never ever let my child's faith and trust on me falter.

It renewed my purpose in life.

For once, I slept better. I didn't need to pull myself away from my bed against my will to face my day. "Wow good mood ka ata ngayon?" Franco greeted me nung nakita nya kong naglakad towards our area. He now occupied the office next to mine kasi mas malaki. I just smiled at him pag pasok ko sa office ko, it would be too cheesy to tell him about my motherhood realizations.

"Tumawag sakin kagabi si Xavier." I said as he followed me inside my office.

"O anong sabi? Nahimatay ba? Baka nasa airport na yon." I didn't realize na yung juice na hawak nya was for me until he placed it in front of me, kasama nung sliced apples na nasa plastic container na dala-dala rin nya. Napa irap ako kasi I can't drink coffee anymore. Well not as much as I used to before na halos i-IV ko na sa sistema ko yung kape. Franco just smiled at my reaction because he knows exactly how I desperately need my morning coffee.

"I wouldn't know." I shrugged and began opening the plastic container. Gutom nako agad. Baka bukas pwede akong magrequest ng tapsilog kay Franco? Wow talagang kanin. Well ano ba naman yung may perfect excuse ako to stuff my face with food because I'm now feeding another person. Fine, something healthier than tapsilog. I felt bad na ginutom ko yung anak ko ng tatlong linggo so I owe him or her something better than tapsilog.

"Teka, di mo sinabi?" Franco was puzzled. Ohmygod akala nya marupok ako. Eye roll. Ang yabang. Kala mo hindi ako muntik mag makaawa kay Xavier na bawiin nya lahat ng pinagsasabi nya sa sulat. Well, dati yon.

"I didn't even answer the phone. Well, I rejected the call." I answered as I chewed an apple slice. Bumilog yung mata nya. Yeah again, from halos magwala nako na si Franco yung tinawagan ni Xavier to rejecting his call, it was a very wide jump. "Why? I thought sya yung una mong sasabihan?"

"Sya parin naman. I just don't want to talk to him right now." I shrugged again. Inirapan ko yung judgmental look ni Franco. "I know what you're going to say, na kailangan nyang malaman. Malalaman nya naman. But what do you think will happen when I tell him? Uuwi sya dito and he will refuse to go back. Paano yung pinaghihirapan nyang gawin don? I know he wants to practice again and he wants to do his master's. Hindi na yon para lang sa kanya..." I trailed. I used to say na para saamin yung ginagawa nya, but now, I can't say it anymore. "Para na rin yon sa anak namin." I just continued.

I knew Franco disagrees with me kung paano pa rin nya ko tignan ngayon. Napabuntong hininga ako. "Franco, I love you as the brother I never had, but please don't look at me like that. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes even until now. And this might be one of them, but let me make them. Kasi unlike my family, I'd trust that you will still love me even if you don't agree with me. I will keep on making mistakes like any other person, but this child will be the reason for me to be careful with those mistakes."

"So NOT telling father of your child that you're pregnant is being careful?" I scowled at him. Irita. Judgmental.

"Yes, if alam kong bibitawan nya don lahat to be here. Xavier said he doesn't want to take away my opportunities. Ganon din ako. Sabi ko nga, he needs to do that para sa anak namin. And for now, I can take care of myself and clean up my life. So please just shut up and support me."

Natawa sya. "You know I won't shut up. But yes, I will support you. Palagi naman e, lalu na ngayon that you're carrying a baby."

"Sinong may baby?" I froze when our boss entered my office in the middle of our conversation.

"Uhhh, my sister. She just told me she's pregnant." I quickly made up. Franco was trying hard not to laugh at my lame save. Gago.

"Well congratulations to, ummm, her. I have something to discuss with the both of you." He strode inside.

The new project was also a welcome break for me. Although I volunteered Franco to take charge of it and I'll just assist him. Minura nya ko dahil don when our boss left the room pero when I said I want to focus on being healthy, nanahimik na sya. Oh, I'm starting to milk this pregnant friend thing.

(text) Tiff Arnaiz: Nagtatampo na si Tatay and dad sayo kasi ilang Sunday lunch na yung namiss mo!

Oh shit. I knew hindi ko na sila maiiwasan.

(text) Me: I'm sorry! I'll be there this weekend. I'll bring dessert.

Fuck, how to shut up when they ask me how I'm doing with Xavier gone? It will be their first question!

(text) Tiff Arnaiz: Bring cake! Love you!

(text) Me: Okay see you! Love you too.

Kabado akong pumasok sa bahay ng parents ni Xavier.

Mahal, makikilala mo na yung grandparents, tita and great grand lolo mo, but I can't tell them about you yet. Unahin natin yung tatay mong di ko parin alam paano ko kakausapin.

At pagkakita ko palang sa pamilya ni Xavier, gusto ko ng sabihin na buntis ako. OMG Harper, shut up. Ang complicated na non masyado. Tell them after you tell Xavier, or let him tell them! Preggy hormones are driving me crazy. "Harper, bakit ang payat mo masyado? Are you on a diet? Or yan yung nagawa ng absence ng kapatid ko?" Tiff hugged me and examined me as she took the cake I brought. It is exactly that, I answered in my head and flashed a fake smile.

"Oo nga? Are you eating enough?" Tito fussed over me as I went to him to hug him. I just smiled again and nodded. Liar. Well I can't really say that their son drove me into depression diba?

"Nako, give me your address mamaya. Papadalhan kita ng pagkain." Tita added nung tinignan nya muna ako bago ako yakapin to greet me. I may hate Xavier but it still feels like home here. "I don't know what Xavier is thinking letting you lose weight like this." How do I say he hasn't even seen me yet? Wait so hindi nila alam that Xavier and I aren't talking at all? Well, I rejected his call, but still, it was just one phone call out of the many ones I deserved to get if his letter didn't exist. Isang buwan anong sinasabi nya sa kanila?

Tatay was the last to hug me and he kissed my forehead. Ngayon naman I wanted to cry and ask what Xavier said to him.

Lunch was a happy event as they told stories about how Tiff and Xavier were when they were kids. It was a comforting thought that my child will have this family. I'm confident na hindi sya mapapagkaitan ng pagmamahal.

I also ate a lot. They joked about having to cook more for me next week. Haaay. Kung alam lang nila na apo na nila yung pinapakain nila. Jusko Harper, baka mapaamin ka pa dahil sa iniisip mo.

"Anong oras na ba sa Seattle? We should FaceTime Xavier." Tito Romy said over dessert and I instantly panicked.

"Wag na. He'll bore us to death with all his talk about classes and having to study every day all the time." Tiff rolled her eyes. Thank you, ate Tiff. "How do you survive it Harper?" She turned to me and they all waited for my answer. Crap what do I tell them???

Baby, help.

I just decided that the truth is simpler than to keep track of lies. I'm really hating Xavier for not telling them anything! Pasalamat syang malayo sya!

"Ummm, we don't exactly talk." I said.

"Ano ba yan, obsessed sa pag aaral!" Tiff rolled her eyes again.

"No, we're really not talking. We haven't talked since he left." ARAY. Saying it was like putting salt on my open wound. His dad looked confused and his mom was frowning. I looked over at Tatay who looked serious.

"Mag kagalit ba kayo? But ang tagal na nyang umalis, that's almost a month ago." Tito asked. He looked like he doesn't think it was possible for Xavier and I to just stop talking to each other all of a sudden. Yeah, same tito. "What do you mean? Anong ginawa ng kapatid ko?" Tiff also looked serious now. They all waited for me to explain.

Sorry anak if papatayin ko someday yung tatay mo ha? Di bale na I can take care of you on my own.

And so I told them the contents of Xavier's letter na halos memorized ko na. Pero syempre hindi ko nirecite sa kanila, just the general message.

His mom was speechless. They all were. Pero yung nanay nya yung mukhang galit talaga. Ohmygod paano pa pag nalaman nilang buntis ako? Baka kaladkarin nila si Xavier pabalik dito. Shit.

I would have wanted that. Before. Pero now it wouldn't be the right thing. I don't want us to be thrown back together just because his parents lectured him. We're not 16 anymore.

"Ummm tita it's okay. It makes sense. I do need to live my life, which is a mess right now. He knows I have things to sort out lalu na sa family ko." I explained. I can't believe na ang tagal kong gusto na may kumampi sakin pero ngayon na meron na, his family of all people, all of a sudden ayaw ko na. And I'm insane sa mga sinasabi ko. Or maybe I said Xavier's side from my perspective kaya sila nagagalit?

"He doesn't want me to wait because he knew that's all I'll ever do. I have a tendency to isolate myself pag ganon and work and waiting lang yung paglalaanan ko ng panahon. He just wants me to step away from my comfort zone while he's away. Live." As I echoed Xavier's words, ironically trying to defend him from his own family, I'm starting to understand it.

He did what I would do for him. Did. Give him the best chance.

But I still hate him.

"No. I'm going to call him." Tita Tanya was about to reach for her phone and naloka ako sa gagawin nya. Napatayo ako bigla in such a dramatic fashion, na nagulat sila. Actually nagulat din ako.

"Tita please. Don't." I think she saw the desperation in my face so bumitaw sya sa phone nya.

"Your son is unbelievable." Instead she glared at tito as if it was his fault. "So anak ko nalang sya ngayon? Hindi ko naman to alam, I'm as shocked as you are." Tinaasan sya ng kilay ni tito.

"Tay, did you know?" Tiff turned to Tatay. "Yes, he told me about it. But not the way he would tell Harper. Akala ko he would talk to her ng harapan to explain. At hindi ko din alam na they're not in speaking terms right now." Tatay admitted to them.

"Tay! Bakit hindi mo sinasabi saamin?" Tito Romy groaned at his father. Tatay looked guilty.

"Alam nyo, malaki na si Xavier. He decided to do this and panindigan nya to!" Tiff was really upset. I didn't want them to be like this.

"Tiff, you're right but it's not fair for Harper. Your brother should have explained." Mas kalmado na yung boses ni Tita but her face was stone-cold. I couldn't read her. Well, I was never good at that. I've read hundreds of books, but I could barely read people's faces. I couldn't read people, period. It was because I spend so little time around them.

Xavier's right. I'm so closed-off from the real world and I'm the one depriving myself of living.

He may be right, but I still hate him. I hate him so much na hindi ko aaminin na tama sya to his face.

Tita turned to me. "Anak, I'm so sorry about my son. I will talk to him." Stone-cold but all her emotions resounded in her voice.

"Tanya, hayaan mo yung mga bata. This is between Harper and Xavier. I warned him what he could lose if he goes about this the wrong way." Tatay spoke up.

"It's okay tita, really. Tatay is right, saamin to ni Xavier. I don't want you to talk to him about this kasi I'm humiliated enough as it is. We all want him to succeed there ayokong uuwi sya just because we're all mad at him for this." Unbelievable that I'm still defending him. What is wrong with me? Nilulunok ko nalang lahat ng sakit ngayon.

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Kasi mahal mo.

Tiff grunted. "You're humiliated instead of him? Oh my brother doesn't deserve you."

I don't want them to believe that either. Di ako pumunta dito para siraan si Xavier sa pamilya nya, but it was what I'm feeling right now.

"Harper, kami yung nahihiya sayo because of what Xavier did. We're so sorry." Tito apologized. "We're sorry na tanga si Xavier." Tiff was still annoyed. "Yes that. Allow us to make up for it in any way we can." Their dad continued. Yes surprise, bumawi nalang kayo sa apo nyo.

"It's okay, tito. Taking his side on this right now, I'm starting to understand kung saan sya nang gagaling." Inamin ko.

But I still hate him.

"Hindi, okay lang na magalit ka sa kanya. Promise. Puntahan mo sya don, sabunin mo. Sasamahan pa kita." Tiff was definitely the sister I need in my life.

"If you need anything, we're here. Well kahit naman hindi to nangyari, we'll always be your family." Tito said habang si tita sobrang tahimik parin parang sya yung gustong sumugod kay Xavier doon. Oh please, wag. "There's one thing." I trailed.

"Anything, anak."

"Everything' ang dapat mong sabihin dad." I love Tiff. She's going to be the best tita.

"Please don't tell him that you guys know. And don't hate him for this. Forgive him for this." I hate Xavier for how he left me, but I still love him. This was the way to reconcile that. Ako lang yung magagalit sa kanya. Everyone reluctantly agreed.

"So alam nyo na. Walang tatawag sa kanya today or tomorrow." Tiff shook her head.

"Please ate?" I begged her.

"Haaay. Ano bang pinakain sayo ng kapatid ko? Actually don't answer that baka bastos e."

Napanganga ako sa hinirit nya and the timing was ohmygod. Their dad was trying hard not to react pero mukhang natatawa at how this conversation just ended. Sobrang Xavier. At least si Tatay mas malakas yung control sa reaction nya. Their mom rolled her eyes at Tiff.

Anak, meet your family.

Tatay once again invited me for coffee. Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay when I instead asked for juice. Careful, Harper nasa fishbowl ka na. One miscalculation, and he'll see right through your secret.

"Harper, I wanted to talk to you kasi I really want to apologize. Alam ko na tong naglalaro sa utak ni Xavier. He had his hesitations, kasi hirap na hirap yung apo kong layuan ka. Ang daming beses nya kong tinanong kung ok pa ba na umalis sya. In a way he left for you. For your future. Pero di ko alam na ganito yung mangyayari." He started as soon as mabigyan na kami ng coffee at juice ng maid nya.

"Tay, okay lang." I repeated. Ayoko yung feeling na lahat sila nahihiya na sakin. And they're apologizing for Xavier. His was the apology I needed but I'm not yet quite prepared for kasi may hindi pa rin ako sinasabi sa kanya. For now, we were sort of equal.

"Oo rinig ko naman dun yung 'okay lang' na sinasagot mo kanina, but how are you really feeling apo?"

It would be no use to lie to this man. His eyes invited the truth from you. Saka sobrang warm and loving ng mga mata nya, taong walang kaluluwa lang yung makakapag sinungaling sa kanya.

"Sa totoo lang Tay, I've been hating on Xavier since I got the letter. Yung feeling na naiwan? Yun lang yung nararamdaman at naiisip ko. I thought it was unfair na I didn't even get to have a say about it. But lately, well today lang as I was defending him back there kela ate Tiff, I was beginning to see his intentions with what he told me. That we should both be growing hindi lang sya. And tama sya na someday I'll fully understand that and I'll be able to forgive him." I dried my forming tears. Kanina hindi ako makaiyak, pero this was a safe ground for me to let it all out.

"I'm sorry for not checking up on you sooner to ask kung anong nangyari sainyo ni Xavier after he left. And if you children talked about it ng maayos. Sa totoo lang, I didn't think he could go through with telling you not to wait for him." Apologies are awkward for me kasi it was also something I wasn't used to, like people. "It's not okay kung paano nya sinabi, no matter how good his intentions were but kahit na gaano kagusto namin na pag sabihan sya, we'll respect your decision that you don't want him to know na alam na namin. Well ng mommy at daddy nya at si Tiff. It was such a big thing for you to ask of us not to hate him for what he did."

Dahil ito yung magiging pamilya ng anak ko. I want to preserve this kind of family love for my child. "Alam ko kasi Tay kung gaano ka importante kay Xavier yung pamilya, at kahit gaano ako kagalit at lungkot sa ginawa nya, I still love him." "Alam ko may problema ka pa sa pamilya mo, but I hope you let them see this side of you. Eto yung rason kung bakit ka mahal na mahal ng apo ko." Oh my god, kurot. My family never really knew me.

"But Tay, don't tell Xavier I said that." I chuckled. Kahit seryoso ako don. I still hate Xavier kasi masakit pa rin and I don't want him basking in that hope na ok lang to saakin dahil mahal ko sya.

"I would never." He fondly raised his right hand to promise.

Nagsimula na kaming magkwentuhan. I refrained from asking kung anong pinaguusapan nila ni Xavier when he calls them baka mas lalu lang akong masaktan. Yun din naman yung pinapasalamatan ko kay Tatay, he also didn't mention anything. Siguro until the time na magtatanong nalang ako.

I trust them to keep their promise but the following day I got three missed FaceTime calls and a couple of messages from Xavier. Yes nandun nako sa point na nasanay akong walang nakukuha sa kanya na mas nagugulat ako na meron. I already changed his name to 'X' the caption his ex Kylie once dedicated to him, para every time I see it on my phone, maiirita ako. It was to remind myself that I hate him. (text) X: I miss you, love.

(text) X: I'm really sorry Harper.

If you're loving the book, nel5s.org is where the adventure continues. Join us for the complete experience-all for free. The next chapter is eagerly waiting for you! (text) X: How are you?

(text) X: Can we talk?

(text) X: Please?

(text) X: I love you, I hope you know that.

(text) X: I'm really sorry for how we parted and I'm sorry I wasn't able to explain myself.

(text) X: I miss you so much. Hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ko makakatagal dito.

(text) X: I'm really sorry baby, I hope mapatawad mo ko and I hope we can talk soon. Baby, meet your dad.

I left Xavier on seen zone.

"Yung asawa mo ang kulit. Ano bang sasabihin ko dito?" Franco barged in my office as soon as I arrived from my last meeting for the day. "Gusto ka daw makausap."

"I'll talk to him, pag gusto ko na syang kausapin you can tell him that. And wala akong asawa." I stood my ground.

"Wow, and strong naman ng nanay na to." I made a face at him. "Kelan ka aamin?"

"Soon." Ugggh, just when I was beginning to feel that I have an upper hand, he had to remind me yung di ko pa nasasabi kay Xavier.

"Kung nasa lugar ka ni Xavier, would you want me to tell you in person that I'm pregnant?" I suddenly thought about it. Huh. From not being ready to talk to him to actually facing him? Another wide leap. Baka naman dahil buntis ka lang kaya ka fickle-minded, Harper?

"If nandito ako, syempre. Pero kung nasa Seattle ako, maiintindihan ko kung itatawag mo lang saakin. Kaso..." I can see him think about it. "Ang dami nyong itatanong sa isa't-isa e, so siguro talagang in person kung ako si Xavier or ikaw for that matter."

I contemplated and Franco saw right through me. As if naman itatago ko sa kanya. Baka nga sya lang maka alam kung ano mang gagawin ko. "Okay don't tell me pupunta ka don."

"It's an idea. And yes, baka mas makuha ko yung mga kailangan kong sagot kung magkaharap kami." I answered.

"Iiwan mo din ako?"

Umirap ako sa pagbibiro nya. "Ohmygod you're so needy. Ikaw ba yung buntis?"

"Ohmygod, sinong buntis?" Nagulat kami when Jem and Liv barged inside my office. Tangina di na uso yung kumakatok "Si Franco, ang needy e." I flatly said as if yun talaga yung sinabi ko. "Porket needy buntis na agad?" Jem walked towards me to hug me followed by Liv. "Maybe? How would I know?" I cringed. Okay, medyo OA ba? But I know wala silang mapapansin ni Liv. Me being pregnant is possible, pero not the first thing na maiisip nilang rason kung bakit ako namomroblema.

"Bakit kayo nandito?" I asked them both.

"Kasi po miss, hindi ka sumasagot sa text at tawag namin. Kailangan pa naming dumaan kay Franco para lang malaman kung buhay ka pa!" Jem retorted.

"Okay sorry."

"What happened to you?" Liv asked, concerned plastered on her face. Tangina, I was absent sa mundo ng isang buwan I'm amazed na ngayon lang sila sumugod dito. Well, siguro kasi sinasabi din sa kanila ni Franco that I wasn't ready for

anyone.

I told them everything, except for the fact that I'm pregnant.

Jem took my side and gigil sya kay Xavier, while Liv, as Franco had originally done, defended Xavier hanggang sa nagtatalo na sila ni Jem habang nanonood lang kami ni Franco. I could feel my life starting to go back to normal.

Normal.

Do I settle with that? Inamin ko na that I'm starting to see Xavier's point about my lack of life, should I try to really live? Could I even so that kahit na buntis ako? Or being pregnant would now be my life?

Ang dami ko nanamang tanong hindi ko masagot-sagot.

My phone rang again that night and it was Xavier again. 4am palang don. Natutulog ba to?

I let it ring as I continued to think about my question kay Franco earlier.

I think it's time to tell Xavier that I'm pregnant. I need to give him the chance to tell me how he wants to do this, how we can move on with all of our lives knowing na magkaka anak kami. Alam ko naman na lahat magbabago, but one thing I'll

ask from him is I don't want him to come home. Hindi dahil gumaganti ako, but because I can manage. I want to manage. I've been strong before, so why would I suddenly stop being strong just because nasaktan ako over what happened to

us.

I made a promise, I'll make myself whole again bago pa dumating yung anak ko. I need to start facing things at eto nalang yung uunahin ko.

I got my ringing phone to reject the call and opened my laptop, bago pa magbago yung isip ko. I will do what Xavier didn't do for me. If I'm telling him about this news, I need to do it in person.

I booked my ticket to Seattle for next week.