Saving Harper

I had no appetite for the day after. In fact I had no appetite for anything at all. Not for food, getting out of the bed, opening my eyes, or even breathing. The agonizing events of yesterday and even the day before that completely caught me off guard. If I had known this will happen, I might have taken my friends' offer to keep me company instead of being alone. The silence around me was deafening but my mind was anything but silent.

I've reread Xavier's letter numerous times already since I got it that the two-page goodbye letter now has deep creases in it and yes, tear stains. Did I miss something? Anything?

He said he loves me but how could he let me go just like that? I was clinging to the smallest chance that all of it was just a cruel and sad dream. But waking up to the letter clutched in my fist was a painful reminder that all of it was true. Maybe he's just giving me a choice? And when he calls today, he'll ask what I really think about what he's saying. Kung ano ba yung gusto ko. Baka naman kasi suggestion lang yon? Xavier would be the last person who would walk out of my life ng ganon-ganon lang. Maybe that's why I'm still refusing to understand. I had too much faith in him.

I just really don't get it. Was it his coping mechanism about leaving me? Did he feel that bad that I was the one who got left behind?

I looked at my phone. 5:30am it's approximately 4:30pm there. So bakit walang iMessage man lang? Delayed ba yung pag dating ng flight nya? I'm sure he'll need time to lug all of his things to his apartment and to settle in so baka yun yung reason?

I refuse to think about the alternative why I'm not getting any messages from him at all.

I begrudgingly forced myself to get up and go to work. Franco's still in Boracay so I had no choice dahil pag iniwan ko yung boss namin na mag isa sa office, baka mag collapse yon-either sya or yung opisina. I never had to deal with anything like this before. Something that made me NOT want to go to work. But maybe a distraction was something I need instead of just waiting without being productive.

My phone felt heavier and heavier as the hours ticked off. I think I've already ran out of excuses to explain away the absence of messages and calls coming through. Ilang beses nakong nag makaawa sa phone ko na tumunog naman. By 4pm, I was nearly in tears. Ilang oras pa ba Harper? My absent subconscious finally reared her vicious head. She did me a favor shutting up most of the day as I was deeply in denial, but now here she is, waking me up to my reality. If you want to know, just send a message pero natatakot ka naman. Gaano ka tagal mo ba gustong ideny to? A whole day? One week? Months? It's your choice. At ano pa bang gusto mong isipin na excuse? At ang malaking tanong, hanggang kelan mo lolokohin yung sarili mo?

Harsh.

But I really was in denial, alam ko naman yon. And I can't keep doing this to myself. Wala na yung inaasahan kong taong pupulot sakin. Yung gusto kong pumulot sakin.

That realization was the reason my resolve faltered and now believed that I wasn't going to get any message or calls from Xavier.

I cried in the ladies bathroom nung nakaalis na yung mga tao sa office. I couldn't get any more pathetic.

Hindi pa enough yon kasi I cried again when I got home to my empty condo in front of the photo Xavier gave me. After my cryfest, I've decided na hindi ko yon kayang makita araw-araw. Do I throw it out? I don't think I can so I buried it deep sa walk in closet ko. I thought about also taking down the framed sketch Xavier made that hung above my bed frame that Tiff and Ivan gave me for my birthday. That one, I can't bring myself to remove kasi it was a gift.

I was prepared for a difficult day when I woke up, but everyone else wasn't prepared for me. My mood shifted from feeling gloomy to complete irritation with everything and everyone real quick. I wanted to set everything on fire. Ang malas lang ng mga tao na tatlo yung meeting ko today and lahat yon I wasn't in the mood for, so nakasimangot lang ako and grilled everyone. The last one, I was in a really extra bad mood kasi ang pinaguusapan was Andrei's book. Xavier's cover art stared at me the whole time we discussed the timeline of the book because it was part of the presentation. I wanted to throw someone at it. Yes, someone, ganon ako ka-irita. Minamadali ko na yung meeting para di ko na makita yung rason kung bakit nakahingi pa sakin si Xavier na layuan ko na sya. Or whatever.

I was the first one to walk out after the meeting, glaring for the last time at the book's cover.

I came in my office to find Franco waiting for me. He was lounging at my sofa na parang kahapon pa sya naghihintay don.

"O bakit ka nandito?" I greeted him without so much as a smile but deep down, I was thankful to finally have someone.

"Sungit lang? What happened?" He asked as he stood up from the sofa to move to one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"Anong what happened?" Sumimangot ako sa kanya. Alam ko naman na wala syang alam sa mga nangyari pag balik ko sa Manila. The only thing they knew was that I missed my flight so alam din nilang I missed saying goodbye to Xavier. The thought completely displeased me again. I felt I had to go through a hundred goodbyes dahil ako yung na iwan. "Tumawag sakin si Arnaiz and he told me you needed me here. So I went home early." He shrugged.

XAVIER FUCKING WHAT???

"He called you?!?!" Napanganga ako. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I was fuming. WHAT. THE. HELL.

I've been waiting for his call and got nothing tapos si Franco na nananahimik sa Boracay nagawa nyang istorbohin?!

Simple. He didn't want you to wait. You already knew that Harper. Knowing didn't lessen the pain, knowing actually doubled it.

Wala ng makakapag pabura ng simangot sa mukha ko until the next month. Or even hanggang next year. Napairap ako over the thought of New Year and all the holiday plans that have gone into flames.

"Chill. Wala syang sinabi. Magkaaway ba kayo? Wala pang isang linggo ha." I can feel na gusto akong biruin ni Franco but the only thing that stopped him was the look plastered on my face. Alam nyang kaya ko syang ibato if he so much as chuckles over this.

Magka away? So Xavier didn't fucking tell Franco. How convenient for him na ako pa yung kailangan mag explain sa mga taong kasama kong iniwan nya. Gago. The thing is, I don't want to explain. Hihintayin ko yung panahong ang masasabi ko nalang is "it's over" to explain this. I need to practice saying that without the words cutting my heart wide open.

I took out Xavier's letter and handed it to Franco. It's the easiest way for me to let him know what happened. Franco frowned at it but wordlessly took it anyway. As he started to read it, I knew he was being very careful with his facial expressions. He gave nothing away despite usually being reactive to everything. I don't know if this frustrated me. Gusto kong kampihan nya ko. Gusto ko magalit din sya kay Xavier.

After reading, he looked at me and contemplated kung anong sasabihin nya sakin. Nararamdaman kong nahihirapan syang umpisahan but I know alam na nya ngayon kung bakit ako mukhang nang gigigil simula nung nakita nya ko. "So?" I don't want to control my patience, like how I refuse to control most of my emotions today. I'm in a fuck it kind of mood.

"Clearly galit ka, no need for me to ask that. I can't say I'm surprised na sinabi nya to. Okay, uunahan na kita bago mo pa ko mabato ng kung ano man, wala syang sinabi sakin before this letter. I'm not surprised because I know him and I know you."

"So you're not surprised that he left me?" I asked sourly.

"Walang iniwanan Harper. He said he'll come back. He just wants you not to wait for him." He heavily exhaled. Alam na nyang mahihirapan sya sakin. I don't care if he'll see me as this brat right now.

"Walang iniwan? Bakit nasan ba sya?" I didn't meant it that way. Gusto ko nalang talagang ilabas lahat. I'm tired of crying so I need this just to get everything out.

"He just wants you to choose yourself." Yeah, yeah, that's what Xavier's letter says.

"Bakit pag nag hintay ba ko sa kanya, it automatically means I'm not choosing myself? Walang middle ground man lang? Paano naman yung gusto ko? Did he even think about that?" Sumisikip na yung dibdib ko sa pagpipigil ng luha ko. "Or does he feel too guilty about leaving me that's why he wanted me to live my life and forget about him?" The last one wasn't included in the letter, but it sure felt na yun yung sinabi nya sakin.

"Di nya sinabing forget about him. Kilala kita Harper, when did you ever live? Nung dumating lang si Xavier sa buhay mo."

I didn't let him finish. "Exactly!"

"And that's the problem. Katulad nga ng sinabi mo kanina, nasan ba sya? Wala sya ngayon dito. So anong gagawin mo? Wag mo na sagutin kasi alam natin na ang gagawin mo lang ay umupo at maghintay. Babalik ka lang sa dati mong buhay before him just because he's not here." Franco interjected.

"Wala naman akong problema don!" I glared at him. I was willing to wait for years. Actually I was even willing to go live with Xavier in Seattle, pero pati yung plano na yon he has managed to trump. He knew about it and umayaw sya. Franco exhaled again as if I'm testing his patience as well. "Harper, you missed his point. You are not living your life kung wala kang gagawin but only wait for him. I agree with him. As your friend, I've been worried about you kasi wala kang ibang buhay kung hindi yung trabaho mo. It's time na sarili mo naman yung maging focus mo. And yun yung gusto ni Xavier. Yung pag alis nya, yun yung nakita nyang opportunity na magawa mo yung mga gusto mo habang may ginagawa din sya for himself. I hope you see it that way, Harper."

Why are the people around me so hell-bent on me living my life?

"Ang sinasabi lang ni Xavier, mahalin at unahin mo yung sarili mo. It's what he has always wanted for you."

But Xavier is the only thing I wanted or needed in my life. Dahil sa nangyari, hindi ba nya naisip na mas lalu akong nawalan ng gana sa buhay?

"I really don't know why Xavier would think I need you here right now." Alam kong pagsisisihan ko tong sinabi ko ngayon kay Franco, but right now I'm really not in a remorseful mood.

He slowly nodded and stood up to leave my office.

I quickly dried my tears na tumulo pag labas ni Franco.

Right on cue, I got a text message. Kinabahan pa ko but it wasn't Xavier.

(text) Tatay: How are you holding up hija? Drop by on Sunday for family lunch so we can see you.

Does he know? I think yes. I bet they all know. I don't think I can show my face to them with them knowing this. Ohmygod, did they know even before pa? Nung mga panahong nagpupunta kami don ni Xavier? (text) Me: I'll try po, Tay.

Wala akong maisip na alibi because I can't bear to lie to Tatay.

*

*****

The succeeding days felt like I'm in a stupor. Days came and went and wala na kong pakiramdam about anything. Days turned to a week, a week to two. I fell back to my old habits so easily because work was the only thing that made sense. Yun lang yung rason para bumangon ako araw-araw.

Franco and I were still not talking. I can't even look at him. Pakiramdam ko pag tinignan ko sya makikita ko lang si Xavier sa kanya because they understand each other perfectly. Akala ko saaking kaibigan si Franco? Wow, Harper suddenly you're looking for friends after ignoring Liv and Jem's calls and their doorbells on your condo?

"Ms. Javier, lunch po." Jenny, our old receptionist and now Franco's assistant came in to place a paper bag on my desk as I was reviewing monthly reports. Apparently dahil wala parin akong assistant, I'm sharing her with him.

If you're loving the book, nel5s.org is where the adventure continues. Join us for the complete experience all for free. The next chapter is eagerly waiting for you!

"I don't want to eat." I said in a flat voice. I barely eat anything every day and I think I'm getting sick because of it. The other day muntik nakong mag collapse sa elevator sa hilo because I just ate one sandwich the day before. "Maam, pag di daw po kayo kumain, tatanggalan daw ako ng trabaho ni sir Franco." She hesitated kasi malamang mukha syang nag susumbong sakin ngayon. Pero sa totoo lang sya kaya yung nag susumbong sa boss nya. She's probably reporting to Franco how many untouched food she has thrown.

Umirap ako and opened the paper bag she gave. "Fine. Tell him I'm eating this now." The pasta actually tasted good and it was only at that point na naramdaman ko yung gutom ko.

Baka nag momove on nako kaya bumabalik na ng konti yung appetite ko?

I didn't have much of a choice so I have to do it at one point but no matter how hard I try not to, naghihintay pa rin ako for that call, that message, that one hope from Xavier. But, obviously, wala.

Mali pala, mukhang sya yung nag move on.

That night, I had planned to drink myself to sleep kasi kahit pag tulog nahihirapan na din ako. I kept dreaming about Xavier and I wake up crying. I think ok lang naman uminom kahit lunch pa yung huli kong kinain, at least may laman yung tyan ko. I decided to curl up on my couch and read a book while drinking my wine, hoping that reading will also help with my sleeping problems.

Patapos palang ako sa unang baso ko, I ran to my bathroom to throw up. Maybe I should have eaten dinner before drinking. Nahilo ako so I sat down on my bathroom floor as I felt another hurl come up my mouth. Tangina. Ano bang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko? It wasn't the first time I vomited this week. Di ko maintindihan kasi wala naman akong kinakain masyado and still my stomach chose to empty itself.

I threw up most of the contents of my stomach in my toilet and it took me a while to recover. I struggled to get up and found my pale and shrunken face stare back at me from the mirror. God I looked really haggard. No sleep and with barely any food caused me to lose weight and develop dark circles under my eyes.

I looked for fresh towels to clean myself up. As I opened the drawers under my sink, a couple of things fell out. Reaching down to collect them, I suddenly froze. I stared at the things that fell, mentally calculating in my head, and felt the blood drain out of my face. Napaupo ulit ako sa sahig and started crying. No it can't be. Please.

I willed myself to stand up to get my phone and called the second person that popped in my head na kailangan kong nandito with me.

"Hello, kakausapin mo na ba ako finally?" He answered at the second ring.

"Franco, I need you. Right now." I said through my controlled silent sobs. Get a grip, Harper, at least for this phone call.

"What's wrong? Ok ka lang ba? Nasaan ka?" His voice shifted to an urgent tone dahil alam nyang may problema ako.

"I'm not sure I'm okay. Condo. Please." My voice shook.

"Sige, 5 minutes nandyan nako."

No, it can't be, please. I whispered to myself. I could have gone down myself, pero I really don't want to feel alone right now for the first time in weeks.

After a few minutes, the doorbell rang and I opened the door for Franco. "Anong nangyari Harper?" Natataranta nyang tanong pero I can see na he's relieved I was okay and buhay pa ko or wala ako sa bingit ng kamatayan. Did he think that I have come undone and wanted to hurt myself? I think he expected to see me in a much worst state kaya ako napatawag sa kanya.

But anyway, ngayong nandito na si Franco di ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya yung problema ko. Mukhang dapat si Jem or si Liv yung tinawagan ko.

Naluha nanaman ako sa taranta over what's happening to me. "I think I'm pregnant."

Nakatitig lang sakin si Franco for a while, clearly not expecting what I just said. It was the worst possible time in my life for me to say those words and for it to be true. As if every mess in my life wasn't enough already. "Pero I'm not sure." I bit my lip to control myself from freaking out ngayong may kasama nako.

"Nag pregnancy test ka na ba?" Is this awkward for him? I should have called the girls instead, pero sobrang nataranta nako kanina when I counted the weeks in my head. I was already three weeks delayed with my period (na by the way, how can I fail to notice that???). God awkward nga to. It was like having my dad here. "Yun nga, samahan mo naman akong bumili please?" I begged.

"Okay, let me take care of it. Umupo ka lang dyan, wait for me and don't do anything stupid." It was really having a dad here. I looked at him in gratitude. The look on Franco's face says he's never been in this territory before, but he's willing to take care of the situation nonetheless.

He came back with three tests. "Para sure." He handed me the boxes and let me do my business habang naghihintay sya sa labas ng pinto. Yung unang test palang positive na as well as the second and third test. If this was a subject, pasadong- pasado nako.

Pinapasok ko si Franco sa bathroom ko. Di nya yata nakayanan yung paghihintay sa result so kinuha na nya yung bote ng wine ko and tinutungga na nya, he was carrying it sa cr as he looked at all three tests. Di pwedeng dalawa kaming stressed over this. I need him to be calm.

Napaupo nanaman ako sa bathroom floor, thinking about what I should do. I'm pregnant. Tangina. Di ko alam kung bakit hindi ko pa napoprocess sa utak ko kung anong dapat kong gawin. I was too shocked to make any plans. How do I exactly plan what I'll do at this moment??? Then my mind raced to figure out when it actually happened. We've been careful, but... Ohmygod. Anong gagawin ko???? Kumalma ka muna Harper!

Franco sat down beside me so pareho na kaming nakaupo sa bathroom floor ko at nakasandal sa bathroom cabinets ko.

"Tanong lang Harper, hindi ba uso ang condom?" Napainom sya. Gusto kong agawin yung bote and uminom din pero bawal na. Shit! I drank kanina! Okay, isa-isang panic lang.

"Of course we used protection. I have a family full of doctors, grade school palang ako memorized ko na yung reproductive system and got the lecture about safe sex from my parents when I got to high school." But look where I am right now? Sitting with my guy best friend on my bathroom floor, pregnant. "Pero syempre may mga unexpected na-ohmygod I can't believe I'm telling you this." I cringed. Yup, it was like talking to a brother about sex-cringe-y.

If you're loving the book, nel5s.org is where the adventure continues. Join us for the complete experience-all for free. The next chapter is eagerly waiting for you!

"Wow Harper, ang tanda na natin. Pero anong plano mong gawin?" Ano nga ba? I'm not yet ready for that question.

"Honestly, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko nga alam anong plano ko bukas before I knew I was pregnant, so lalu na ngayon." Naluha nanaman ako. I'm pregnant and the father of my unborn child was thousands of miles away. Not to mention, he left

me.

"Paano mo sasabihin kay Arnaiz?" Napapikit ako. Hindi ko rin alam. How do you tell your ex-non-boyfriend who just told you to go live your life that you're pregnant? Pahinging instructions.

"Please, wag mo munang sasabihin sa kanya." I pleaded. "Actually, wag mo din munang sasabihin kela Liv and Jem. Pag nafigure out ko na kung paano and pag ready na ko, I'd like to tell Xavier first before I tell anyone else." Ohmygod, ang kalat na ng buhay ko bigla.

"Kung merong nag iisang taong may karapatan to tell anyone about this, ikaw yon. Di ko naman gagawin yon sayo."

I leaned my head sa balikat ni Franco. For the first time in weeks, I'm not feeling alone anymore. "Thank you. And thank you for being here for this. But I need another favor." I said to him. Finally, may una nakong plano. I need to take this one step at a time, hindi yung sabay-sabay kong iniisip lahat.

"Taking advantage over the fact na buntis ka ah." He chuckled. "Ano yon?"

"I need to go to the doctor and I don't want to do it alone... I've been drinking kanina and I don't know if that will affect anything. And hopefully baka alam ko na yung gagawin ko pagka tapos ko don." I trailed. How ironic that now I suddenly need the opinion of a doctor para makapag desisyon ako.

"Of course, pero sa isang kondisyon." I hope it's not something ridiculous. Or worst, sabihin ko muna to kay Xavier. "Kakain ka na ulit." That one, I can definitely do.

"Franco?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm really sorry sa mga nasabi ko sayo the last time we talked."

"Forget about it Harper, there's nothing to forgive. Naiintindihan ko naman." I take it back, I'm glad that it was Franco who I called for this.

The past two weeks since Xavier left was super crazy. I went through the four stages of grief-I was in denial, I was extremely angry, I bargained and went through every possible scenarios in my head which I felt could have saved myself from ending up being left behind, at the same time falling in and out of extreme bouts of loneliness and depression heightened by my hormones (maybe?), though honestly, I haven't been close to the last stage which was Acceptance since I was still feeling everything, then I find out I'm pregnant. Lord, meron pa ba? Can it wait till next year? Kasi hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa talaga.

I was extremely nervous pag dating namin ni Franco sa ospital for my OB appointment. "Hoy Harper, what do you think you're doing?" Kinapitan nya ko sa braso as I made a move to turn around. "I don't think I'm ready." I was panicking deep inside. Tangina bakit ba nabubuntis yung mga pinaka hindi ready sa buhay? There should be a sign up sheet for this.

"Kelan ka pa naging duwag? Hinga."

"Trust me, duwag ako sa madaming bagay." I groaned.

"Takot ka lang ata sa mga doctor e." He joked and I scowled at him. Bwiset. "Tara na, kasama mo naman ako."

"Ohmygod, if the doctor checks my, ummm, I need you to get out immediately."

"Ang gross mo din minsan no? Di ako sasama sayo sa loob. Yung moral support ko lang yung dadalhin mo don." Hinila na nya ko to find the doctor's room.

It turns out I was already two months pregnant and my period wasn't just three weeks delayed. Pota Harper paano mo hindi napansin yon??? I guess I had too much going on kaya hindi ko na naisip with Xavier leaving, my mom, and the wedding. I got pregnant sometime when Xavier and I were vacationing during his last two months here. Baka sa Coron because we were really careless there like we were on a honeymoon.

The doctor just sent me off with vitamins to purchase, a general idea what I'll be going through, and my next appointment with her. Kung kinakabahan ako kanina, I think I was scared stiff right after because it finally sunk in. I'M PREGNANT. How do I deal with that all by myself? Not to mention may listahan pa ko ng problemang hindi ko pa hinaharap. Accepting Xavier's decision for starters and I still have my family woes to deal with. Gaaaaahhh.

As soon as I arrived at the condo, after thanking Franco over and over, I felt like I'm at my tipping point. Everything could easily change with my every decision. I was starting to calm myself para maayos ko naman yung buhay ko when my phone rang.

I almost dropped my phone when I saw who was calling. It was Xavier.

Going through the four stages of my grief was no joke. There are days when the sadness was too hard to bear that I wished I wouldn't wake up anymore. The fifth and last stage nagged at me like it was also ringing in my subconscious. This was indeed the tipping point and I don't want to go through the four stages all over again. Masyado ng masakit and I know I have to move on.

I pressed the reject button.

This was my acceptance.