Saving Harper

I felt tired. Physically and emotionally. That's what happens when you chase time and end up in the losing end of the race. And I lost this one rather painfully. I went home to an empty condo but the emptiness was nothing compared to the hollow part I felt deep inside me.

The traces of Thursday's hurried activities before leaving for Boracay can still be found around my unit. The coffee mug Xavier and I shared that morning before going to the airport was still sitting on my kitchen counter, marked with my lipstick stain. The shoes I last-minute changed from were lying on the floor. Xavier's perfume bottle that he didn't pack because he insisted on the extra space on his luggage for some of my things, was on my kitchen table. The extra key to his condo was dangling on the key hook next to my car keys. One of his jackets was draped on one of the hooks on my cabinet door. His white shirt and boxers were strewn on my bed together with my clothes. The bed was unmade. His scent lingered everywhere and I hopelessly wished Xavier lingered just a little bit longer too.

It was the little things that made it seem like the place was also waiting for him to come home. Like he would magically barge in the room at any time. I wish he would instead of being thousand miles away from me.

I slumped on my bed after removing my shoes and burrowed on his side of the bed inhaling the heavenly scent wafting from his pillows. I plan to lay there for the rest of the day to swim where he laid hugging his shirt. I'm never changing my sheets hanggang nandito yung amoy nya.

Teka Harper, hindi naman sya namatay. You'll hear from him by tomorrow when he lands in Washington. Nasa depressive state pa ako sa pag alis nya, weighed down by my crappy goodbye. I think mostly by that. Bukas when Xavier calls, pagtatawanan nalang namin kung paano ako umiyak ng umiyak kahapon hanggang kaninang madaling araw. Then I can finally tell him what I wanted to say, ng maayos. But for now, I think I'm allowed to wallow in my sadness. Is the first day of not having Xavier here the hardest? Or tomorrow will be even harder? The longing after hearing his voice, not being able to hug or touch him? Technology makes everything easier but harder at the same time because people would always want more. But I guess seeing his face even just through FaceTime calls would be better than nothing. Nakikita ko nang iiyak lang ako after our every call.

I'm actually glad bukas pa ko makikita ni Xavier. I think I also traumatized him from all my incessant crying I did up until he already needed to board his flight. He looked helpless but tried to distract me saying that he'll really miss me. Nahawaan ko yata sya nung somber mood ko because he also looked like he was struggling. "Somber" was a light term for it, parang nalaglagan ako ng mundo. Hanggang ngayon namamaga pa rin yung mata ko and I looked so haggard when it was my turn to board my flight back to Manila this morning. Walang tulog at puro iyak, so you could just imagine.

I refused Jem, Liv and Franco's company last night nung nalaman nilang bumalik ako kagabi sa island and resort because of my hellish airport experience kasi wala naman din akong ginawa kung hindi umiyak ng umiyak.

I wasn't much of a company last night.

Will I be in the coming days?

But the real question is, would I retreat to the shadows of isolation? I could already see it in my head, I'll be here (or probably at the office) counting down the minutes until Xavier can finally call me because of the time difference. It wasn't exactly isolation. Babalik lang ako sa usual routine ko of work-condo-work-condo-work-condo, and so on. I don't think that would be hard since I've lived like that for the longest time. And besides, I signed up for it. I signed up for waiting. It would probably be effortless from my end.

Parang ngayon. I was already counting the hours until I hear Xavier's voice. This was the first day of practice. Wait anong practice? Eto na to Harper. Ayusin nyo nalang yung phone call schedule nyo to fit his classes and your work. Oh and make room for your personal drama Harper, since you promised yourself na uunahin mo din yon. Okay I think that would be enough to keep me preoccupied while waiting for Xavier's daily calls.

Speaking of drama, last night's nightmare not only eclipsed Xavier's departure, but hindi ko na din naisip yung pag uusap namin ng dad ko. I can't believe how much a night can completely derail everything else in my life. Feeling ko ang gulo nanaman ng buhay ko and tinambak ko nanaman yung mga kailangan kong isipin sa makalat na parte ng isipan kong ayaw kong binabalikan.

We all have those. A place in our minds where we "hide" thoughts we don't know how to handle and we need more time to face, and sometimes those we don't even want to think about anymore. I aptly call it my 'mind attic'. I have relegated most of my useless memories there together with painful ones, fleeting thoughts, forgotten secrets, unanswered questions, poor choices, regrets, chances passed, failed relationships, insecurities, even the person I used to be my childhood and adolescent self, and those things na wala na masyadong space sa buhay ko presently. For someone who barely has a life, that place is becoming full.

But I know as soon as I start addressing my family matters, I would need to revisit my mind attic to clear out my bottled-up feelings and face everything I've kept there relating to my family. And also to probably give more room for insignificant things that I'll be doing to pass the time during the lull and dull moments of waiting for Xavier's calls.

It was in the middle of all these thoughts that I finally drifted off to an uneasy and shallow sleep. I kept dreaming of running after something.

I finally woke up in the middle of the afternoon because of my doorbell.

If it's not Xavier, I don't think I'm in the mood to see anyone else. But who would come to see me right now? My entire family and my three best friends were all in Boracay. O, wag mong paasahin sarili mo Harper. He's gone. I opened the door to a delivery guy.

"Ms. Harper Javier?" He checked at clipboard and frowned at me.

Oo kuya, I look like hell. I just nodded at him to confirm that I'm indeed Ms. Harper Javier.

He handed me a rectangular flat package which was slightly heavy. It was wrapped in plain brown paper with brown twine securing it.

"Maam, ingat po babasagin ata yan." I completely missed the 'Fragile' label on the package. Was it made of glass? It felt like it had a frame. I put it down nakasandal sa entry wall ng unit ko and the guy had me sign the receipt and went away after I thanked him.

I carried the package inside my unit and settled it on my coffee table to open it. I untied the twine and unwrapped it. It was a framed black and white photograph of me. I was laughing and the happiness reached my eyes. The background was sprawling white sand with palm trees. This was taken during our Coron-El Nido vacation and of course, it was Xavier who took this.

The strong feeling of longing instantly flooded me. I wish we were back at that moment. When no one was needed to be left behind. I was too distracted with my feelings so it was only after a few minutes that I saw a small envelope that came together with Xavier's framed gift.

The envelope had "Harper" written on it.

I wanted to cry when I recognized Xavier's handwriting when I unfolded the contents of the envelope. It was a letter. A post-departure gift and a letter? I think he's better at goodbyes than me. May one last gift pa sya and ako pag ngangawa yung ginawang goodbye. I need to get my shit together when he calls me tomorrow to make up for being the disaster that I was since last night.

"Harper,

Out of the thousand photographs I have of you, this one is my favorite. A lifetime of sunrises could never compare to the look of happiness in your eyes and it will always be the only thing I will ever need to start my everyday away from you. You told me once that I changed your life, and I had been so stupid (allow me to apologize for it right now) to never mention to you that you have also changed mine.

It is with you that I felt the love that everyone should have. A love so great that if it could consume you, it would. But never in the destructive sense. Quite the opposite of that. It is the love that not only grows, but also lets you grow together and apart.

I know that this is how you will always love me, because why else would I be here instead of selfishly spending my time with you? Harper, you are the only person I would let go of my dreams for. And countless of times I almost did. I've been waiting and wishing for you to tell me to stay. But of course you wouldn't because yours will always be the love that's truly selfless. I will never forget that I finally took the chance to finish this because of you.

I haven't told you before that my understanding of love was jaded before I fell in love with you. I was young, idealistic and blinded by naiveté. When my ex didn't choose me, I said to myself that I will never again allow myself to be in a position where someone who supposedly loves me, can't or won't choose me. If I could choose her effortlessly, she should also be able to choose me just as easily. I've always thought before that love equated to being chosen. Loving you made me realize that it's not always about you being the other person's choice-me being your choice. It's about understanding that it doesn't matter if you choose me, the only thing that matters is I will choose you over and over again."

Hmmm, Tatay's words momentarily echoed in my head. '... pipiliin ka nya. I hope you know what that means, Harper.' ; Am I now going to be given the meaning behind those words?

"The choice that I will make today stems out of me learning from my past mistakes. I was selfish then.

I was also selfish when I asked you to wait for me."

Wait! Teka lang! Ano?

"Selfish because waiting could entail all the possibilities and opportunities, chances and the time that I would be depriving you of.

Don't think that I haven't seen it on your face the decision you're planning to make. To uproot your whole life to move with me. I've seen it countless of times especially when you're trying hard not to panic over our impending distance. You probably feel that it's the only thought that could comfort you. But the thing is, I can't let you do that. I can't take away all your possibilities. I can't tie you to a life you're only living for another person.

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I won our bet, and I know I said I'll use it to ask you to wait for me, but I am now changing that."

Ohmygod, this is not happening! I can feel the room start to spin. Ayoko ng ituloy, but like every train wreck you're on, you wouldn't be able to help but watch.

"I don't want you to wait for me."

GOD. HELP.

"Instead, I want you to live. Be the girl in this photograph. Step away from your everyday life of confinement to your four corners-whether in your office or at home. Travel to places you've always wanted to visit, experience life through its real colors, laugh, meet new people, scare yourself everyday with the randomness of your plans, be brave to change your life at its every twist and turns and open yourself to the world and to all the best opportunities that you feel you can only imagine to have. And most importantly, do all of this for yourself. Because you deserve nothing less in this life.

You will hate me for this, I know. I'm so sorry but I know one day you will realize why I chose you this way and forgive me for it.

It might be hard for you to believe this after everything that I've just said, but I love you with all my heart and with every fiber of my being. I will love you every day and every minute that we're apart. Nothing will change with what I promised to you before, I will come back to you.

I will always and forever love you in our every lifetime.

Xavier"

I hadn't realized that I was crying really hard while reading everything. The letter was painful to read and even more so to understand. Like all the tragedies in my life, this has failed to sink in at once. I don't know if I couldn't understand it, or I just don't want to understand it.

Wala nakong lakas mag isip pa sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. I've never felt more lost and alone than ever. He spoke about life so easily as if kaya ko pang harapin yon ngayon.

Crying until I feel almost emptied out was the only thing I could do. Yun nalang yung kaya ko.

Now I understand why he seem like he was struggling during our airport call. He has already decided.

Xavier was better than me with goodbyes. I guess now this is ours.