Saving Harper

I looked around as our relatives were strewn around the lunch venue. Ang daming nakapaligid kela Hilda and Nick saying their goodbyes, while the rest nagkwekwentuhan pa. Obviously, not in any hurry to leave since madami din na ginawa tong wedding weekend na to para mag bakasyon.

Liv was even on the way here from Manila para samahan pa si Jem dito for 3 days, vacation na din nila. It would have been nice if Xavier and I could join them, plus Franco. If only we had more time. Time.

I felt my time winding down with every look that I gave every thing and every one around me and with every silent second that passed between me and my dad. I didn't know how to reel every second in. Kahit sya mukhang hindi nya alam kung paano sisimulan na makipag usap saakin. I stood there awkwardly as he also awkwardly waited for my answer.

"Dad can we go somewhere else na mas tahimik?" I asked him. Holly and my mom wasn't around to see us. They're probably socializing with our titas but I really don't want to do this here kung saan kami maririnig ng lahat ng tao. My dad seems to agree since he just stood up wordlessly to find a place away from our relatives.

I pulled my luggage behind me since I plan to leave right after this talk, di ko na din alam if I should check my watch or hindi. Baka maiyak lang ako. Iba yung feeling mo na ang dami segundong nawawala sayo versus seeing the time itself. A part of me wants to find out what my dad wanted to talk to me about and a part of me just wants to run off.

He was the quiet type and doesn't enjoy small talks and I think nakuha ko din yon sa kanya. I've always imagined how he was with his patients. Tahimik din ba sya or sila yung exception? Like how I used to be nung ok pa kami.

I hope he would quickly get to the point with this one. I really want to tell him that I want to skip all the niceties and awkward small talks, but knowing him, it might have taken a lot of his pride to even tell me he wanted to talk so I couldn't say that. He didn't say we HAVE to talk nor we NEED to talk. He wanted this but he still asked me. I had another chance to walk away from him, but I couldn't do it again. So I might have also wanted this.

I took my seat across him dun sa cafe part nung restaurant away from everyone else. I closed my eyes when a waiter approached us to take coffee orders. Jusko kuya, nagmamadali ako.

My dad looked at me and finally started to talk. "Alam mo nung bata ka pa, you've always been so impatient with people. You wanted everyone talking to you to get to their point. You get bored with the unnecessary, unlike your two sisters who can probably do small talk the whole day. And you always get this certain look pag nagsasawa ka ng maghintay sa kausap mo. You now have that same look of impatience." He didn't say that to judge me. It was more like he was actually reminiscing my childhood since he was smiling at some faraway memory. Na parang naaalala nga nya what I looked like during my impatient moments as a child. I could feel it pull on my heartstrings and I had to frown to keep myself from tearing up about what he mentioned. OMG ka Harper iisamg memory lang yan.

"Harper, I'm asking for your patience right now." He spoke carefully like he doesn't want to trigger me to walk away. I still remained silent, waiting for him.

"I just want to say I'm really sorry." He said softly.

"Dad, whatever reason you have with mom for the both of you to decide not to tell us about mom's condition, though may be valid, was really selfish. I know I'm angry and the way we all left things between us was not good, but I also deserved to know. Kahit papano, she's still my mom. Hilda and Holly also deserved to know. We all did."

"Harper, I'm not only apologizing for that."

I was surprised and hindi ako nakapagsalita. 'Not only'. I don't want to think na may sakit din sya that's why this is suddenly happening. "I want to apologize for everything."

"Everything." I stupidly repeated and frowned at him. He could see my feigned confusion. "I'm sorry dad, what exactly is 'everything' for you? I think I want to know kung ano-ano yung kasama sa 'everything' mo." It might seem petty for anyone else, but not to me. 'Everything' for him might only mean not telling us about mom's illness and what happened the last time I was home which they called "misunderstanding", habang para saakin everything is lahat-lahat simula nung nag iba na yung pamilya ko towards me.

"But wait, just to be clear, is mom behind all of this? Does she want you to suddenly apologize like what she told Holly to do? Kasi dad if that's the case, I don't want to talk anymore. I'm never going to demand anyone to apologize to me lalu na if it's a half-assed one. No one deserves that kind of apology." Inunahan ko na sya.

Bigla nanaman akong nasaktan. Ayoko na ng ganito. I didn't know what I did to deserve to be treated like this na kailangan pang magkasakit ng nanay namin para lang mapilitan sila na mag sorry saakin or for me na mapilitan din to start mending my relationship with them. Ayoko ng ganon na lahat kami napipilitan lang. That suddenly "sorry" was rendered meaningless.

"Harper, you of all people don't deserve a half-assed apology. And your mom didn't tell me to do anything she doesn't even know I'm doing this. The first thing I want to apologize for is I'm really sorry it took me this long to apologize to you. It wasn't really pride that prevented me from saying sorry, I think it was the fact that for the longest time, akala ko lahat ng ginagawa ko was okay lang gawin. I thought It was okay for me to be disappointed because I'm a parent. I thought my actions were justified because of that reason. I didn't realize that from the moment I wasn't able to support you with what you wanted, I wasn't much of a parent anymore."

I bit my lip pero alam ko malapit nakong maluha. I tried to look somewhere else, pero hindi ko kaya. Somehow, I wanted to see every emotion. I'm getting an apology but I still wanted to know if it was a sincere one. Trust issues? With my family, maybe. But I think generally, madami lang talaga akong issues sa kanila.

"Harper I'm so sorry. Alam ko parents shouldn't play favorites, but you were mine."

Ayon, di ko na nakayanan, naluha na talaga ako and I quickly wiped them. Nagsismula na ding sumakit yung dibdib ko because I know baka madami akong pipigilang maramdaman sa lahat ng sasabihin ng tatay ko saakin ngayon. I've never heard him say I was his favorite, pero alam ko naman that we used to be close. Hindi ako makapag salita because of the big lump in my throat na tanging pumipigil sa pag iyak ko.

"I always saw myself in you, especially when you were growing up. Driven, assertive, independent, smart, always curious, and very stubborn. Kaya nung ayaw mong mag med school, nasaktan ako because that has always been my plan for you. For a very long time I let my disappointment get the best of me kaya hindi na din ako naging mabuting tatay sayo. Siguro masyado kong nakita yung sarili ko sayo that I also forgot that you were different from me as well. That between the two of us, you were better."

I wasn't able to keep it in anymore and I started crying. Lumabas din lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko over the years. Hindi ko alam if prepared na ko na marinig tong lahat.

"Anak, don't think that just because I was disappointed na hindi mo ginustong gawin yung plano ko, hindi ako naging proud sayo. I've always been proud. I never told you, pero I was there during your graduation. I was late and hindi na kita nahanap sa dami nyo. Inabangan nalang kitang umakyat sa stage to get your diploma and soon after I was also called sa hospital for an operation I had to do. But I was there." Sinubukan kong punasan yung mga luhang bumubuhos sa mata ko ngayon. "Why didn't you tell me?" I managed to ask.

"Because you hated us. And with good reason to do so. Pero mostly because I didn't think you needed any of us there. Which was my big mistake na inisip ko yon. Kasi kahit naman gaano ka ka-independent or how much you didn't want us there, we all should have been there. Walang excuse para don and I'm sorry."

Hindi ko na ngayon alam what my dad saying all of these things can do for me. I could finally have my questions answered or I could completely fall apart pag narealize kong misplaced lahat ng hatred na naramdaman ko over the years. Na kasalanan ko kung bakit ako bitter because I should have asked all my questions para makuha ko lahat ng sagot. That I could've just asked point blank kung bakit sila wala nung graduation ko e di sana nalaman ko na nandun pala yung dad ko. I guess I didn't ask because I was afraid of all the answers.

"I'm proud of the woman you are right now Harper. I just wish I didn't waste all of those times I could have been there for you but I wasn't. Nagsisisi ako na hindi ako yung rason why you grew up to be the best person you could be. Nagsisisi ako at nahihiya ako sayo dahil don. I'm sorry that you had to do it all on your own at pinabayaan lang kita. I should have been a better father."

I completely broke down. I've always wanted an apology. Pero bakit kung kelan nandito na and naririnig mo na yung gusto mong marinig, you suddenly feel overwhelmed that you don't even know what to say. Na parang gusto kong iyakan nalang lahat.

"I'm really sorry because I wasn't the father you deserved."

I was covering my face with both of my hands as I cried harder.

My dad managed to move his seat towards me and niyakap nya ko. My tears now turned into uncontrollable sobs na halos hindi nako makahinga. It didn't help that my father kept whispering "I'm sorry.". Iniyak ko lahat sa polo shirt nya. It took me a while to recover and to finally look at him. He was also drying his tears.

"I never meant to be demanding, dad. I guess I just expected some support from you. Hindi lang sayo pero kela mommy din, kahit nga from Holly and Hilda. Hindi ko naman naisip before na yun yung consequence ng hindi ko pag sunod sainyo. That I would lose all of you. Ang masama don, I never regret choosing what I wanted for myself but I've always felt that it was something I should apologize for. Na dapat pinagsisihan ko." I tried to say in a clear voice.

"I'm sorry that we made you feel that way. Hindi ko alam. Well as your father, I should have known and I should have done something about it. I wish I could turn back time para makabawi sayo. Nag patong-patong na yung pinagsisisihan ko." I felt my heart break for my dad. I didn't want him to feel all of this. Kahit naman na galit ako, I don't want him agonizing over what he should have done. I don't want him to continue living with all his regrets. Lahat naman tayo na madaming pinagsisisihan sa buhay would always wish we could turn back time. But we can't.

"Harper, I won't ask for you to forgive me right now at this moment. Alam ko madami kang pinagdaanan na sakit and I understand that forgiveness takes time. But what I'm asking for is a chance. A chance na makabawi sayo. Another chance to be a real father to you."

We can't turn back time, we just find our own ways to accept everything and live with ourselves for all of it. And when the time comes that we are given the chance to repair what we have managed to destroy, we take it. I nodded.

Hindi lang naman yung dad ko yung madaming pinagsisisihan, ako din naman. My family has always been really complicated but if there's one thing I want to uncomplicate sa situation naming lahat, it's my love for them. The reason why I envy Xavier's family so much was because of how they loved each other. Yes hindi sila perfect, but the way they loved each other made you feel that you are. At kahit madaming kulang sayo, you can always count on that love. One that is unconditional.

Gusto ko wala na ding pagaalinlangan yung pagpapatawad ko and paghihingi ko ng tawad sa pamilya ko. Yung tanging rason lang kung bakit ko gagawin yon was because I love them. Most importantly, I accept them despite all the shortcomings. Walang kondisyon. Walang pero.

"Thank you dad. It really means a lot na narinig ko tong lahat from you. Madami pa din akong kailangan patawarin sa sarili ako. If you're asking for a chance, I'm asking for time. When I come back home, gusto ko wala na lahat ng resentment na nararamdaman ko. I want to be able to ask for your forgiveness and to be able to give mine without any difficulties and hesitations because we all deserve that. You also deserve my whole-hearted apology." He looked like he was about to contradict me.

"Dad, I also need to apologize for a lot of things. Alam mo yun. Nasaktan ko din naman kayo. Nasaktan natin yung isa't isa. And if we want to move forward, we need to accept that we broke each other at one point." He hugged me again and naluha nanaman ako.

"Thank you for hearing me out anak. Alam ko nagmamadali ka, but this also means a lot to me. When you come home to us, I'll be the first one waiting for you."

His voice rang with sincerity and for the first time, I genuinely want to start fixing my issues with them. Not because of my mom or because we were running out of time, but because they also deserve it. I wiped my tears.

"I need to go." I finally said nung nakarecover nako.

"Mag ingat ka. I hope to see you soon anak." He kissed my cheek as he said goodbye and walked away.

I never expected for our conversation to run this long. I looked at my watch and cursed under my breath. Nagmamadali akong pumunta sa concierge to check on my hotel service that will take me to the seaport. Shit. I counted my remaining hours on my head. It's going to take a miracle for me to be able to get to my flight on time. Wala nakong extrang oras to check-in my bags so I just need to do online check-in and really hurry papasok ng airport at gate. Buti nalang pag dating ko sa Caticlan port, may van din na naghihintay saakin don to take me to Kalibo. I felt I was racing against time.

"Manong, sorry baka kasi di ako makakaabot sa flight ko, so kung pwede pong bilisan please." I pleaded with the van driver the moment I went inside.

(text) Me: OMG papunta palang ako sa seaport. :(

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(text) Xavier Arnaiz: O anong nangyari? Baka hindi ka umabot sa Kalibo on time.

I groaned. Kahit sya alam nya. Nagdadasal nako.

(text) Me: My dad and I talked.

(text) Xavier Arnaiz: Wow. What happened?

(text) Me: Yeah. Wow. I'll call you pag nasa van nako pa-Kalibo to tell you everything. I'm so stressed right now baka umiyak nanaman ako pag narinig ko yung boses mo. (text) Xavier Arnaiz: Breathe, Harper. Be safe. I love you.

(text) Me: I love you too.

When I was finally on the way to Kalibo, I called Xavier to tell him everything na pinagusapan namin ng dad ko and I tried my hardest to deliver it verbatim to him.

"So anong nararamdaman mo ngayon?" Xavier asked me softly.

"Thankful that I got to hear what my dad has to say. Upset because I needed more time to do everything the right way. Bakit kasi hindi nalang simple lahat? Yung madali lang yung mahihirap gawin at ibigay-forgiving, forgetting, moving on." I said defeatedly.

"Alam mo namang yan yung fiction e. Pero kahit sa fiction, mas complicated pa. Pag simple yung libro, boring. Di ka umeffort ramdamin at intindihin. I don't think anyone wants that." He chuckled.

"Pero yung ganito talaga kahirap?" I whined. I still wished my emotions were simple to control. Yung may on and off switch.

"The right way isn't always easy. Saka babe eto yan, if you want to do everything the proper way, it doesn't matter how much time you'll need for it. Ang importante you're sincere dahil pag mahal mo, you only need to be sure and true." "Yeah, you're right." I exhaled. Syempre tama talaga sya. Like my dad, takot akong dumami yung pagsisisihan ko. Because based from all of my experiences, the past only gathers regrets. Learn to forgive your past, Harper.

"Love, gusto mong abangan kita sa airport mamaya?" It was an innocent question from Xavier but I was immediately stressed by it. I had to consciously stop myself from glancing at my watch every minute or so for the past hour. No, aabot ako sa flight ko. I have to think positive kasi kanina pa bumabaligtad yung tyan ko sa stress so baka masuka na talaga ako dahil sa anxiety ko. I checked my watch (again!). Okay, 2 hours and I'll be with Xavier for his last night before he leaves mamayang madaling araw even if I don't have any idea how far (or near) we already were from Kalibo airport. I also stopped harassing the driver kasi mukhang nabadtrip na talaga sya saakin sa kakatanong ko kung gaano pa katagal. Baka ibaba na nya ako sa tabi-tabi pag nagtanong pa ko.

"No na. I can take a Grab. Ayoko namang nandun ka sa airport waiting for me when you could be with your family." Be freakin positive Harper! "And I'm going straight sa inyo so before we know it, I'll be in your arms." That thought comforted me. A little. Mas macocomfort ako kung mapapalipad ni manong driver yung van pa-Kalibo, or kung pwede, pa-Manila na agad.

"I miss you already." ;He breathed sadly. TANGINA!!! Naiiyak na nga ako e, ganito pa.

"You have no idea how much I'm wishing we're together right now. Lalu na kanina. I barely emotionally survived yung iyakan namin ng dad ko. It makes me think how I'll fare when you leave." I quickly dried a tear that escaped my eye. Ayoko munang umiyak, I'll reserve it when I see him off sa airport for his flight to Seattle.

"You'll survive anything and everything babe. You're the strongest person I know." He assured me.

"Gusto ko yang confidence mo sakin Mr. Arnaiz." I tried to say it in jest but somehow I felt the sadness washing over me. Now I not only want to reel in time, but I wanted to reel in Xavier as well.

"Anytime babe." I felt him smile through his voice. "Teka, tumawag ba sayo si Franco?"

"No, don't tell me may problema sa office." I frowned but I was glad he's trying to distract me with another topic.

"Susundan ba naman si Liv sa Boracay! Mamaya na daw flight nya at tumawag sya sakin sa airport. Gaya-gaya ampota." Natawa si Xavier. "So alam na natin, magkakatuluyan si Olivia at Franco. Parang tayo lang. Binigyan ko ng tips sabi ko sa beach umamin." He continued.

Finally I was able to smile after leaving Boracay. "Dapat sinabi mo na din sa dampa sila unang kumain mamaya." I added.

"Sinabi ko nga. Sabi ko pa na wag na silang maglakad sa beach, halikan na nya agad pero siguraduhin nyang mag toothbrush muna sila pag tapos nilang kumain."

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"Oh my god, I wish you didn't give that advise. Teka, seryoso mo yang sinabi?" Knowing how Xavier and Franco are with each other, malamang.

"Syempre specialty ko yung Bora moves." I chuckled at what he said. "Pero sabi ko, chill lang sila, PG-13 muna."

"Bwiset." I rolled my eyes when I heard his amused chuckle. Napaka matured talaga. We talked for a few more minutes until he was called by his mom. My anxiety quickly rushed back like a wave as soon as we ended the call. Wala nakong magawa ngayon but to just helplessly wait.

Time is tricky. One second, one minute can spell the difference in many situations. One minute too early or one minute too late could make you miss something that can completely change your life.

If I drove faster on the way back to the office the day I had a meeting with Jeremy and Andrei, I could have been a minute early and I would have missed meeting Xavier who was there in my office area. If I drove slower, or was held up in the elevator or the traffic didn't cooperate making me a minute late, the same thing could have happened. I would have missed meeting him.

A minute.

I cried as Xavier and I held each other. We only had a minute before he needed to enter the airport for his flight to Seattle.

"You'll call me as soon as you're there." I reminded him while crying and I leaned on his chest and hugged him tighter. He kissed the top of my head. "Pag pasok ko palang ng pintuan na yan, tatawagan na kita. Di ka pa nakakabalik sa sasakyan."

"Don't cry Harper. You wouldn't have the chance to miss me dahil kukulitin kita araw-araw." I looked up to him as he assured me of this. "No, mag aaral ka araw-araw Mr. Arnaiz." I pouted.

"Ay oo nga pala. Para pag mayaman nako, pakakasalan na kita. Two years." I didn't want to let him go, I don't think I can. Can we just skip to that day? "Pwedeng kahit di ka pa mayaman?" I whimpered like a kid. "Dapat sinabi mo agad para sumabay na tayo kela Hilda." He joked. I can only wish.

"I'll miss you every day. At bibilangin ko lahat ng araw until you come back to me. I love you so much." If it was possible, I hugged him tighter.

I wanted to commit to my memory how it feels like to be in his arms, to be held by him this way like we can't or didn't want to let go, his smell, the sound of his voice, his fingers gently grazing my hair to tuck it behind my ear, the way he looks at me, and the feeling of his lips on mine as we kissed.

"I love you too. Wait for me, Harper." He whispered. I don't think I'll get tired of hearing those words from him. It will always be the promise between us.

"Always." ;I melted in his kiss for the last time.

Time is tricky. One second, one minute can spell the difference in many situations. One minute too early or one minute too late could make you miss something that can completely change your life.

That was how Xavier and I said our goodbyes.

Or at least in my head.

Because the nightmare started when I ran out of the van only to find out I was too late for my flight.

One minute.

I missed the take-off of my plane that will take me back to Manila by a minute. That was the last flight out of Kalibo and I tried to get the last one in Caticlan even if I had to travel back again. But as I said, it was a nightmare. The flight was not only fully booked, but also departs in one hour and I won't make it. Even yung may connecting flights sa Cebu na papatulan ko na talaga, nakaalis na din.

So there I was, crying my eyes out talking to Xavier on the phone sa airport. The rest of the night he tried to calm me down because at one point, I was hyperventilating na yata. He was able to convince me to go back to Boracay kaagad since the earliest flight out I was able to get was 10am na sinigurado kong makukuha ko kahit alam kong hindi ko na sya maabutan.

So how did we say goodbye?

Through FaceTime while I was still crying non-stop wrapped around the hotel's bed sheets kung saan ako nag mukmok. I ruined the moment because instead of actually saying goodbye, all Xavier did was watch me cry and try to comfort me over the fact that I missed my chance to say goodbye to him in person. A chance that I will never get back.

Who do I blame? My dad? The driver? Myself? My decisions?

No. I blame time. It was too selfish. It couldn't even spare me one minute.

One minute that could have made all the difference.