Saving Harper

If there's one thing Xavier's grandfather doesn't know about me yet, it was I tend to overthink everything. What he said to me the last time we were together was so open to any interpretation that I kept thinking about it all the time. It wasn't his fault dahil it's probably the truth. Gusto ko naman na piliin ako ni Xavier. Ang tanong lang, paano nya ko pipiliin? Would it be the kind that we will be blissfully happy as I had hoped?

I panic about it pag hindi ko kasama si Xavier or kahit natutulog lang sya sa tabi ko kasi naiisip ko that he would let me go and I would lose him. Minsan nahihilo (literally) na talaga ako sa pag iisip. Ang nagpapakalma saakin pag wala sya was the charm bracelet he gave me. It was our past and our future. It was enough to prevent me from going insane.

Why couldn't I just ask Xavier directly? Hindi ko din alam. I think I'm just too afraid of the answer.

But looking at him and being with him never gave me any hints na iiwan nya ko. Not in the literal sense dahil talagang paalis na sya in three days. Or maybe that's the reason why I was so anxious? Bumabalik lang yung dati kong nararamdaman.

Harper, if there's one thing in your life that you should be sure of, it's Xavier. Yun din yung sinabi mo sa kanya dati, so have faith.

For once, I pushed all of my thoughts away for these final days with him. I cuddled beside him as we waited sitting on the cold airport seats for our flight to Boracay a day before Hilda's wedding. Last vacation until I reunite with him on Christmas.

"Babe, paano sa Christmas sinong mageempake ng gamit ko? I can bring my whole closet finally?!" I smiled jokingly. "Wala kang takas, mageempake ka ng ka-FaceTime ako. I'll message you a list." Unbelievable, but not entirely surprising. "Sa pageempake ka lang may list?" I wondered. "Di naman. Sayo din." Napakunot yung noo ko sa sinabi nya. Ano naman yung listahan nya saakin?

"Listahan naman yan ng ano? Wala akong utang sayo ha." I eyed him. Actually utang ko sa kanya kung bakit ako masaya ngayon. "List of things I love about you."

Okay this one I have to hear! If I had the same list, nasa thousand plus na yung mga bagay na yon. I looked at him smiling too widely and too overeager. "Ano yung mga yon?" Natawa sya. "Gusto mong pinapahaba yung buhok mo no? Or gusto mong kiligin pa?" Pang asar nya.

"Both." Walang kahiya-hiya kong sinagot.

"Madami masyado. But I'll give my favorites. Top 3." Kumagat sya sa labi nya clearly entertained that I was so excited over this, and he paused to sift through his 'list'.

I patiently waited kasi OA if I show pa na masyado kong gustong marinig kung ano yung mga mahal nya tungkol saakin. Ang malas lang natawag na yung lecheng flight namin. Pota. So nadistract kami momentarily. Halos itulak ko na yung mga tao makasakay lang lahat sa eroplano. Xavier just found my impatience with people very amusing.

"So ano na?" I asked as we finally sat down sa seats namin.

Natawa sya. "So impatient kiligin. Di pa ba ako enough?"

"You're always enough. Alam mo naman yon e." I turned to kiss him deeply para sabihin na nya. Manipulative pota.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing." He licked his lips then kissed me again. Gumagana naman. "First, I love how you can surprise me sa mga ginagawa mo and mga sinasabi. I've always tried my hardest to read you. Your face, expressions, reactions to get to know you more. Most of the time I correctly predict your reactions, but favorite ko yung nasusurprise ako sayo." Okay sa una pa lang kinikilig nako.

"Love ko din yun sayo. I mean your surprises. Of course palagi naman akong nagugulat sa mga sinasabi mo saka ginagawa mo lalu na dati because I absolutely suck at reading you." I made a face. Natawa sya kasi alam naman nyang I was pertaining to the time while we were still pretending. Grabe parang feeling ko ang tagal tagal na non. Yung wala akong ka ideidea if Xavier even likes me or he was just good at acting. And I was hopelessly falling all over him. "I enjoyed that. Tuwang tuwa ako pag napapatalon kita whenever I touch you." He sniggered.

"Excuses mo Mr. Arnaiz, gusto mo lang talaga akong hawakan." Inirapan ko sya. Medyo feelingera.

"Syempre! Malay ko ba baka yun nalang yung chance ko e." Well, di pala ako feelingera. But seriously, as if there's any girl who wouldn't fall for him. I'm just glad na ako yung nandito at kasama nya ngayon. "So kinilig ka na noon pa?" He asked me. I rolled my eyes at him again. "Look who's excited kiligin. But yeah. Effortlessly. Parang hindi ko alam kung saan ko pa ilalagay yung kilig na yon and kung paano ko pipigilan." Natawa ako nung naaalala ko kung gaano ako kamiserable pining over him. At buti nalang tumatawa ako ngayon. Just imagine kung wala lang sa kanya lahat. I'd be sitting here alone miserable di lang dahil di nga ko gusto, pero dahil I'll be dealing with this whole weekend alone.

"If we're still pretending, pupunta ka ba sa Boracay with me for the wedding?" I asked curiously. "Basta libre tickets." He chuckled. "Joke lang. Maybe. I think kung hindi kita gusto dati pa, magugustuhan din kita along the way. Siguro nung hinatid kita sa parking after that first dinner with your family." Ay, haba ng hair, Harper.

"O ano na yung second mo?" I asked.

"I love your quirky reactions. May collection na nga ako na babaunin pa Seattle. Gusto ko yung tinatago mo yung mga reactions mo sa kasungitan mo pag natataranta ka na. Magaling ka na sana mag poker face e, kaso mas magaling akong magbasa." Grabe, I've never known anyone na nakilala ako ng ganito. To think I've known him for months pa lang. But I'm relieved to know na bumebenta parin sa iba yung poker face ko, kahit exception si Xavier. I thought I've completely lost my touch. And maybe with Tatay din exception? Tutal sya yung OG sa pagbabasa ng tao.

"Ah saka tinatago mo din sa pag change topic mo!" Habol nya. I laughed. "So gusto mo yon?" I asked him.

"Yon di masyado pero nakaka aliw parin. Gusto ko kasi patulan mo yung paghihirit ko sayo e."

"I think you're just baiting me para malaman mo kung gusto kita." I sneered and sya naman yung natawa. "Actually oo." He answered. At that time di ko maisip na talagang gusto na nya ko non. Kala ko talagang mahilig lang syang lokohin ako to see how I would react.

"So you really had no idea na nagugustuhan na kita?" I eyed him. Impossible. Parang halos mahimatay nako sa mga hirit nya dati. At lalu na pag nahuhuli nya ko. Like nung nakatulog ako and I called out his name and nung nalasing ako. "Ayoko lang paasahin yung sarili ko, teka hindi pala, ayoko lang mag assume masyado kasi asadong asado nako non. Lalu na nung talagang nag 'papanggap' ka na at nung nalasing ka. Gusto ko na ikwento sayo lahat ng ginagawa mo sakin non, kaso alam ko pag ginawa ko yun mahihiya ka e, baka layuan mo lang ako."

"Ohmygod talaga! Isosoli kita kay Franco." Most probably. Definitely. Kasi I had no idea he liked me at that time.

"Ay iba sya." He hugged me tight nang gigil nanaman.

"E nakakahiya naman talaga yun! Okay wait, when did you know na gusto kita?"

"Nung selos na selos ka kay Kylie." I pouted at his answer and sya naman masyadong feel na feel na pinagselosan ko yung ex nya. At least may silbi sakin yung ex nya. "Fyi Mr. Arnaiz, hanggang ngayon. I wouldn't want to see her kahit saan at kahit kelan."

He 'psshed' at me. "Wala kang kailangan ikaselos don. Bakit nga pala? Curious ako." He frowned at me. Hello talagang dito pa sya nagtaka. I think kahit sino magseselos dun sa ex nya. Maiinsecure.

"One kasi she's a freakin supermodel. Two kasi five years kayo. And three kasi nasaktan ka nya." I said the last one quietly kasi nahihiya ako about it. He studied me.

"Trust me mas maganda ka kesa sa kanya kahit model pa sya. If nakita na kita noon pa, without any doubt, ikaw yung liligawan ko. At yung five years, wala naman sa oras yun para marealize mo kung gaano mo ka mahal yung tao. Bakit mo sinama yung pangatlo? Gusto mo din akong saktan?" He chuckled.

"Of course not. Kasi diba pag nasaktan ka ng isang tao, it shows how much you love that person. If he or she can mess you up like that."

His face turned serious, thinking about what I said. "Tama ka naman. Di ka masasaktan ng taong wala kang pakielam at all. Pero tapos na yun e, I hope you can forget about her. Minsan iniisip ko baka ikaw talaga yung ex nya." I made a face. Eeewww. I don't even want to see her. Pero siguro mas ayaw ko kung makikita sya ni Xavier ulit.

"So ikaw, ano yung second mo na love tungkol saakin?" He finally smiled.

"Ayy, I didn't know we're playing Top 3s." I teased him.

"Humor me Harper." Umirap sya sakin. Ay gusto din pala nya kiligin.

"Ang hirap pumili ng Top 3 sayo e. I love everything about you. Kahit yung mga bagay na pinang gigigilan ko sayo like your obsession about packing at pag nag sasawa ka sa mga gusto kong kainin."

"Ang weird mo naman kasi e. Ok ka sa junk food araw-araw. At kahit same thing over and over yung kinakain mo, ok lang."

"It's not weird. Nasanay lang siguro ako. Kailangan low maintenance ka sa pagkain pag mag isa ka at wala kang panahon mag luto." At pag walang nag luluto para sayo.

"Okay ano na yung pangalawa mo miss? Lumalayo nanaman tayo sa topic."

"So impatient kiligin." I returned his retort saakin kanina. "I love your honesty. Lalu na with yourself. Parang what you see is what you get and you're honest with everything. Wala kang pakielam if people will like you for it or not. How do you do

it?"

"Aksaya kasi ng panahon yung magsinungaling pa. Teka ikaw din ganon e. Di mo lang siguro narerealize. Lalu na sa office at sa bahay nyo." Huh. Tama nga yon. "It's always easier to tell the truth." He shrugged. But about that, I partly disagree. There are truths na sobrang hirap sabihin. But between Xavier and me, I hope walang magiging ganon.

"The last thing I love about you is pag nagpapacute ka sakin to have your way. It's my weakness." He pushed the side of his cheek sa sinabi nya na parang sya pa yung kinikilig dahil don. "Pareho lang yung effect ng pagpapacute mo at pag nagsusungit ka. Nawawalan ng choice yung mga tao kung hindi ibigay sayo yung gusto mo. You're like this goddess na kahit nakakatakot, we can't help na mahalin, sambahin, at ibigay lahat sayo. It doesn't help pa na you're my weakness. And you always will be."

I wanted to scream sa kilig but instead I contented myself by biting my lower lip. "Uuuyyy kilig sya." Tinusok nya yung tagiliran ko.

"Bwiset. But yeah." I grinned. "My last one naman with you is I love the way you take care of me. I love how I feel so safe with you and knowing walang mangyayaring masama sakin if I'm with you, or even if wala ka. I feel secure and taken cared of because of your simple texts reminding me to eat, nagpapadala ka ng food, pinagluluto ako, when you hold my hand pag tumatawid tayo, or you shield me pag may taong tatama saakin, those things. I think you're the reason why I now appreciate yung maliliit na efforts, maliliit na bagay. But I think sayo lang talaga."

He smiled at that.

"So kelan kayo ikakasal Harper?" Naubo ako sa iniinom kong iced tea with what my tita just asked me. We were lounging sa private beach ng resort with some of our less annoying cousins and titas and with Jem. We arrived with plenty of time before lunch kasi maaga yung kinuha naming flight ni Xavier. The boys were playing beach volleyball while we girls worked on our tan while watching their game.

Dapat walang beach volleyball na mangyayari kasi Hilda turned into a bridezilla dahil they were too close doon sa area where the staff will be setting up the wedding venue for tomorrow night at dahil si Nick yung nanguna sa idea ng beach volleyball. Ang OA ni Hilda kasi wala pa nga yung set up e, ayaw daw nyang magulo yung sand. Niyaya nalang namin sya uminom to loosen her up. And it seem to be working a little bit. My cousins tried to distract her. "Ohmygod tita, not yet. He's leaving for Seattle in 3 days for his masters so baka after pa non. We haven't really seriously talked about it yet." I answered her and sipped on my drink again. "Girl, pwede syang mag aral kahit kasal na kayo." Jem interjected. "Oo nga. Look at Hilda, di pa sya nagsisimula ng residency. Anthony and I got married while we were in med school." Our cousin ate Francine said. I think she married her boyfriend kasi umaaligid na non si Holly. But what do I know. Except na gago lang yung ate ko talaga. Speaking of, she also brought her new boyfriend, but umiiwas sila sa beach kasi nandito lahat ng pinsan namin na inagawan nya ng boyfriends.

She wasn't the only one na may iniiwasan. I ran away when I saw my mom and dad sa corridor ng villa namin. Super malas na dun din sila napunta. Buti nalang di nila ko nakita but Xavier had to greet them kasi nagulat sya sa ginawa ko and di na sya nakareact. My mom wasn't too friendly with him daw. Ugggghhh I swear di ko alam kung anong problema nila kay Xavier. Probably yung sinabi pa rin ni Holly. Well it's none of their business anyway and bahala sila sa gusto nilang isipin. "I'll keep that in mind." I finally said. Dati I really roll my eyes pag hinahanapan ako ng boyfriend ng mga tita namin. Now not so much dahil nandyan na si Xavier siguro weird lang yung added pressure sa pagtatanong tungkol sa kasal. But at least ako lang yung natatanong ng pamilya ko, I hope they leave Xavier alone from their questions though feeling ko naman he won't be pressured by it.

"Di pinapakawalan yung mga ganyan ka gwapong boyfriend!" One of my cousins commented. Boyfriend. He wasn't even that. Xavier was already more than that for me. And there's no label fit for that.

"Nako Trish, asang pakawalan yan ni Harper." Jem said quickly for me. Yup, asa.

Finally natapos na yung game nila and Xavier jogged towards me. He's a walking summer ad I swear. Inabot ko sa kanya yung iced tea ko so he can finish it kasi mukhang napagod sya.

"Did you win?" I asked him. "Di mo man lang ako pinanood? Hirap na hirap akong magpakitang gilas don para sayo." He scowled at me. "Yung katawan mo lang yung pinanood ko." Well fuck I just said that aloud. Si Jem natawa sa tabi ko and as always Xavier looked smug. "Walang kahiya-hiya sa mga tita nya oh." He winked at me and kissed me. Wow sya, sinong walang kahiya-hiya ngayon? "Kung katawan ko lang pala papanoorin mo dapat dun nalang tayo sa kwarto. Napagod pa ko. Ay, dun din pala." He teased. Nanlaki yung mata ko and my jaw fell kasi he also said that aloud. My cousins who heard them were sniggering. I slapped Xavier's arm kasi namumula nako.

Xavier makes everything better. I didn't mind hanging out with our relatives kasi I know I have him with me. How to survive the next family shit pag wala na sya? I'll probably go back to my sulky self pag reunions.

We decided to relive our first date in Boracay so sa dampa kami kumain ng dinner. "Babe, relax lang sa hipon at alimango namiss mo ba masaydo?" Xavier observed me with an amused smile playing on his lips habang kumakain lang ako happily. "Omg oo nga! Naka gown ako bukas! But I'm really so hungry." I groaned. I knew I had to stop but I couldn't. Bahala na bukas!

"Babe bakit yung mga tita mo tinatanong ako kung kelan tayo magpapakasal?" Yikes. Tangina talaga ng pamilya ko. It must have been awkward. "Obsessed sila sa tanong na yan especially during weddings, wag mo nalang pansinin. Anong sinagot mo?"

"Kasal na tayo hindi lang natin sinabi sa kanila kasi ayaw mo silang imbitahin." Xavier joked. "Dapat sinabi mong may fake na din tayong anak." I added. "Oo nga no? Bukas ihahabol ko pag may nagtanong ulit. Except pag tatay mo ang nag tanong."

"I doubt he's going to even ask that."

"Pag nag tanong sya ang sasabihin ko tatlo na anak natin." Buti naman walang pressure sa kanya yung ganito and he's just taking it lightly.

"Oo grade three na yung isa."

"Pag nagka anak tayo, saan sya mag aaral?" Oh wow. So nandito na kami sa mga tanong na ganito? But why not.

"Sa UP, duh." I answered na parang walang ibang sagot sa tanong nya. Alam kong kokontra sya. "Teka lang ha. Ahem, ilalaban ko din yung UST." See. Natawa ako.

"But seriously, I'd let him or her decide pag dumating na sya sa point na kailangan sya yung mamili for himself. I owe him or her the things I wasn't able to get. I mean that choice." Yan yung pinaka sure akong mangyayari sa future ko pag nagkaanak nako. Kami.

"Agree, love. Ang sarap mo sigurong maging nanay."

"Try mo." I chuckled remembering what I said to him before.

"Maging nanay ng mga anak ko." Hirit nya. Ngayon palang, di nako makapag hintay sa moment na mapupuntahan ko na sya dun. I'm sure wala akong gagawin pag alis nya but to count the days until I can leave already. The following day was extremely busy. Sunset wedding pero sobrang aga nagsimula yung araw naming lahat. Xavier had to bring me lunch and 2 coffees dahil I was feeling really hungry, lazy and sleepy. I wasn't particularly excited kasi when it came to the SDE videos we had to shoot as a family. Super fake that we're happy. I didn't even know kung kanino ako tatabi sa kanila. Funny na I'm actually relieved na si Holly yung palaging tinatabi saakin instead of my parents. They looked like they wanted the same thing as well kasi they almost never looked at me the entire time. God. Awkward. Natatawa si Xavier sa itsura ko but I only have to remind myself na this is for Hilda in order to muster up a smile and sundin yung nagdidirect saamin.

"Babe, dun ka muna kela kuya Terrence, baka matagal pa to." I grumbled when the shoot took a break. "Sure ka?" He hugged me para mag lambing. As much as I don't want to let him go, I don't want him to be bored out of wits here nanonood lang sa lahat ng pagpapanggap na nangyayari. "Pag hindi ka pumunta don, ako nalang tapos dito ka." I stuck my tongue out feeling that sour taste in my mouth about being here. "Oo nga pala, di ko nasabi to kanina, but you look really, really, really beautiful." He beamed at me like I really was the best thing he has ever seen in his life. Tumigil nanaman yung mundo ko.

Thank god natapos din yung awkward na shoot na yon together with the photos kaya bridesmaids nalang yung natira. That one I think I kind of enjoyed better. Kind of lang. At least mas konti yung fake smiles ko dun. Good to know na pag kinasal na si Holly hindi ako bridesmaid. Parang ayoko ng ulitin to. Too much smiling with people I don't even know. Siguro Xavier and I should take a leaf out of Tatay's book and do a civil wedding instead? Although I would want this celebration for Xavier's family.

Kakaiba talaga nadudulot ng kasal. Puro future yung naiisip mo. Kaya lahat ng tita ganon yung mga tanong e.

The wedding was beautiful and I genuinely teared up when I saw Hilda walk down the aisle and naluluha si Nick while watching her. I knew my sister will be in good hands and I'm really happy for her.

Nakayakap ako kay Xavier while we watched the guests dancing during the reception. I made sure not to drink para wala akong makakalimutan this night. I have plenty of time for that if I miss Xavier too much, but thank god for technology I'd only have to call him sa FaceTime to see his face. I wonder kung sino saamin yung mas magiging clingy pag magkahiwalay na kami?

"Pag alis ko, anong plan mo?" Huy. Di naman siguro sinabi ni Tatay sa kanya yung plans ko. I don't think so naman. I trust Tatay.

"Wait for you." No hesitations. It will always be my only answer. If time and circumstances will work against my plans of going to him, I can always wait for him to come back to me. I would happily wait. Kahit na i'll probably turn impatient on some days. But kakayanin naman.

"Yun lang? Di ka ba mag sasawa?" He eyed me.

"Xavier, there's only you. All my waking hours I'd gladly spend with you no matter how far you are from me. Whether it will be through calls, messages, late night talks kahit mapuyat pa ko every day. I don't think I could ever want or need anything else apart from you. When you came into my life, there's only ever been you. It feels like my life really started with you. So of course, I'll wait. Because I know that the moment you come back to me, our lifetime together would begin." That's all the truth I want to say about waiting for him.

He softly looked at me and kissed me. "I love you too. I will look for you in every lifetime, and love you there. Over and over."

The following day was too emotional for me. I started panicking deep inside nung hinatid ko si Xavier ng madaling araw sa pick up point ng resort service that will take him sa port. Hindi pala deep inside dahil dun palang umiiyak nako. "Baby, relax, we'll see each other later diba? May farewell dinner pa tayo nila mommy and you get to bring me sa airport before my flight. Dun pa tayo mag iiyakan." He softly said to me, trying to calm me down.

"Alam mo naman na sa dinner pa lang iiyak nako." I cried and he dried my tears.

"Love, don't cry na. Gusto mo ba kumuha nalang ako ng ticket para sabay na tayo sa flight mo mamaya?" He hugged me tight and I almost begged for him not to let me go and to just come with me on my later flight. Pero di ko din nagawa. I can't be selfish kasi may family din naman sya that he needs to be with before he leaves. I shook my head and tried to stop my sobbing.

Oh why did I agree to a stupid later flight??? Oh yeah, family lunch. Humagulgol nanaman ako when his van arrived and we said our goodbyes na akala mo naman palipad na sya papuntang Seattle. It was too much. Baka pag hinatid ko na sya sa airport mahimatay nako from all the crying I'll be doing.

Pag balik ko palang ng kwarto namin, I was already feeling empty kaya I FaceTime-d him and natawa sya sa ginawa ko. Kesa naman maloka ako kakahintay ng oras until I can already leave for Manila. Jusko paano na pag nasa Seattle na sya? During the lunch, kating-kati nako umalis. Yung luggage ko nasa likod na ng silya ko. If not for Hilda's and Nick's thank you speeches, I would have left right after eating. Relax, Harper malapit ka ng makaalis. "Girl, bakit di ka nalang sumabay sa kanya kanina? Kesa hindi ka mapakali ngayon." Jem stroked my back trying to calm me dahil super stressed nako while my mom also gave her speech thanking the family for coming. "Xavier said I should attend this. Family is so important for him kaya nagets ko naman why he wanted me to be here. This is for Hilda and Nick." That was the only thing that made me sit through all of it.

Finally natapos na din! "Go!" Jem almost shoved me off my seat. I approached Nick and Hilda to bid them goodbye first. "Pasalubong nyo saakin from your honeymoon ay pamangkin ha!" I think it was the first smile that escaped my lips during this lunch.

"Ohmygod! Tell kuya Xavier goodbye and to have a safe flight din! Good luck sa Seattle!" Hilda hugged me again and I also hugged Nick goodbye.

Pag balik ko sa table to collect my luggage, natigilan ako at who was waiting for me there. It was my dad. "Harper can we talk?"

"Dad can this wait? I might miss my flight." Those were my first words to him since I told him to let me go. I suck at being a daughter. If not for the look he gave me, I would have walked away to leave him. Again.

I sighed and nodded.