Saving Harper

I thought it was just a dream, the doorbell kept ringing successively. I can't believe hindi man lang nagigising si Xavier dahil don. He was sleeping soundly with me on his chest. Was he that exhausted from last night? Nabingi na. If I don't answer the door would the person on the other side leave alone my damn door?

Wait, what if emergency? I suddenly got up because of that thought. I took my silk robe from my door hook and quickly wore it. Wala na kong time to wear anything else under it. I'll just get dressed if emergency talaga.

I half-ran to my door while making sure I tied my robe snuggly. I opened it and tuloy-tuloy sila Hilda and Jem sa loob ng condo ko.

"What? Why are you here? May emergency ba?" I urgently looked at them in anticipation. Hilda was looking worried and si Jem nakasimangot lang. Jem of course already knew what's going on with my mom and di sya pupunta dito ngayon with Hilda if not for that common emergency.

"Yes! It's mom!" Hilda answered me.

Namutla ako. "What about mom??" I tried to say that as calmly as I can because I felt instant panic and I can feel my chest constricting. Akala ko she still has a year or so? I've been trying to sort out my feelings, tapos may mangyayari na pala? "She's throwing me a bridal shower today!" Hilda frowned. Putangina talaga!

"Tangina Hilds akala ko ano na!" I almost shouted at her but I looked at her indignantly. My heartbeat slowed. Gusto kong sapukin si Hilda. I thought it was my dreaded emergency call/visit. I can't believe Hilda would say this "emergency" of hers like this. Masyadong madrama at nakakataranta.

"Sabi ko sayo masyado kang OA for coming all the way here ng umagang-umaga. Kita mong wala pang suot yang ate mo, ginulat mo na agad." Jem smiled at my robe and inirapan ko sya. Umupo sila sa sofa ni Hilda. "Naistorbo mo pa ata yung landian nila ni Xavier."

"Humihilik pa sya sa kwarto, don't worry." I said and pumunta ako ng kusina para mag brew ng kape dahil I need to do something with my nanlalamig na kamay. Ayokong ipakita sa dalawa how scared I was actually feeling just seconds ago. The coffee's not going to help with my nerves at gising na gising na din naman ako dahil sa ginawa ni Hilda at Jem na pagsugod dito, but Xavier would need coffee pag gising nya.

"Sorry! Nataranta ako!" Hilda said. Tingin nya ba di ako nataranta kanina sa entrance nya?

"Teka. You still haven't gone home simula nung umalis ka?" I asked her facing them. Aba baka nga tama si Xavier na nagmana sakin si Hilda. Layasera din. I couldn't imagine na kinaya nyang hindi umuwi. "No I'm still staying with Nick. I'm still upset with them and they haven't even called me to apologize!" Naiinis na naalala ni Hilda. Get in line girl.

"Trust me Hilds, that's not going to happen." Di ko kayang ituloy sa kanya yung iniisip ko kasi baka magwala sya. Na baka wala na yung nanay namin, naghihintay parin sya sa sorry that will not come. But isn't that what I'm doing right now?

Not really kasi yung sarili ko naman yung hinihintay ko. I've learned from thousands of instances that it's pointless to ever wait for my family. I'm just waiting to be ready and yung kaya ko nang iaccept that I'm never going to get whatever type of apology. That no matter what I do, I'll never be enough. Hanggang sa huli. It's unfair, but that's my reality. I'm waiting for myself to be able to forgive them for that reality.

"Paano mo nakakaya ate?" Hilda looked at me na parang naaawa sya saakin.

Jem smirked. "Sanayan girl. Why do you think we're so messed up? We're waiting for apologies and the validations that we ourselves know will never come. Sa tingin mo we've already come into terms with that fact? Yan yung rason why we hate reunions and coming home. And basically family."

Hilda looked like she's about to cry di ko alam kung dahil ba sa mga sinasabi ni Jem or feeling nya she's never going to get that apology.

"Wag ka na umiyak Hilds, if mom's throwing you a party baka yan yung way nya of asking for your forgiveness." I tried to make her feel better.

Sobrang magka iba naman kami ng sitwasyon ni Hilda and I'm not dragging her into my personal issues with my parents. I don't really want her hating on them the way I do. Pero sobrang messed up din naman yung ganon na yung nangyayari sa nanay namin and they still refused to tell us. I really don't get it so I understand why Hilda was upset since nagalit din ako over it.

Lumabas na si Xavier finally from my bedroom, bagong gising at naka boxer shorts lang and was in the middle of putting on his white shirt.

"Wow architect, ang hot ng umaga ah." I glared at Jem pero natawa din naman ako sa kanya. Hot was an understatement. I've watched Xavier countless times sa pag suot nya ng shirt or any of his clothes for that matter and hanggang ngayon it's a big turn on for me. It has the same effect when he takes it off. Ay. Masyado pang maaga for these thoughts.

"Good morning." He smiled sa mga bisita namin. Pumunta sya beside me and kissed me.

"I'm upset kuya so wag nyo kong pakiligin with all your kissing." Hilda said with a sour look directed at us.

"Ay sorry." Xavier looked apologetic but I know he wasn't one bit sorry. As usual. He kissed the side of my head and whispered. "Love magbihis ka kaya muna? Nahihirapan akong tignan ka ng naka ganyan ng may ibang tao dito." "Ohmygod. Nandito kami, hello." Hilda said loudly as if she heard what Xavier just said to me.

"Di ka pa sanay seriously?" Jem pointed out to Hilda. Well that's true, ilang beses na nila kami nakakasama ng ganito kami ni Xavier.

I gave Xavier his coffee and turned to our two visitors sitting at the living area. "So bakit ulit kayo sumugod dito?" Aside from giving me a morning scare, I'm sure it wasn't just to rant about some party.

"Ayon. Ate Holly called me a while ago to tell me mom's throwing me a bridal shower sa house later." Hilda hesitated na ituloy.

"Again. Why are you both here?" I asked impatiently. Hilda wasn't really responsive to my question since inuulit lang nya yung sinabi nya kanina. She looked at Jem.

"Girl, idea mo to, don't look at me. I said I'll agree if she agrees din to be fed to the lions." Jem pointed her thumb at me.

Okay, may idea nako but I'm still hoping I'm wrong.

"Ate! Please come!" Hilda stood up and walked towards me. Xavier chuckled beside me dahil alam na nya yung isasagot ko.

"Hell no!" I shook my head at my sister. That was absolutely the last thing I want to do.

"Please?" Hilda shook my arm na parang bata pa kami. Wag masyadong vigorous girl, magsisisi ka if my robe comes off. Dapat nga siguro nag bihis muna ako. I held on to my robe.

"Ayoko Hilds. I'm not at all prepared to go back there." I said. "Please don't make me."

"Ate, please? I haven't come home din naman." Home. Yeah, the problem is that wasn't my home anymore, I made sure of that when I walked away. "It's different. It's too complicated for me. I'm not even invited." I actually didn't care about the last one. It was also pointless to get offended about not being invited since as I've said, it was the last place I want to go to.

"I just invited you!" Hilda said pleadingly.

"Aren't bridal showers supposed to be a surprise? Pre-invited yung guests no." Ayoko talagang pumunta.

"Kuya, help me." Ngayon kay Xavier naman sya nagmamakaawa.

"Nako out ako dyan Hilds, sorry. Di ko pipilitin yung ate mo pag dating sa ganyan." To prove his point, nagpunta sya sa couch kung nasan si Jem. Neutral territory kung saan nakaupo ang mga audience. Xavier could easily ask me to go, but I'm glad he didn't since he knows my reasons. Wala ng kakampi si Hilda ngayon.

"Ayoko na din pumunta." Hilda scowled at me crossing her arms on her chest like a kid with tantrums.

"Bahala ka. You'll never hear the end of it from Heather Javier." If she thinks she's going to get me to go by threatening me na hindi sya pupunta sa sarili nyang bridal shower, good luck sa kanya. Malaki na sya para panindigan whatever she decides to do, but I don't think she can disappoint our mom like this. That was my role.

"Ate, it might be the last bridal shower mom throws." Okay tangina. Hilda just played the guilt-trip card. "You are so fucking unfair for playing that one." I glared at her hard. Yes she wouldn't be able to threaten me, pero ito? Nanlaki din yung mata ni Jem sa sinasabi ni Hilda. "I'm sorry ate, but it's true. And you know it. Unless kuya Xavier here proposes." Muntik ng maubo si Xavier sa kape nya dahil nadamay pa sya sa pinagsasasabi ng kapatid ko.

"Ikaw nalang pala yung pag asa, Xavier." Natawa si Jem kay Xavier. "Hilda wag mo kaming idamay ni Xavier. Well, sya wad mo syang idamay dito. But I'm sorry, I don't think I can do it." ;I said seriously. I hope Hilda would remember what we talked about before kasi ayoko ng ulitin sa kanya.

"Just think about it ate, lunch pa naman. Please?" Hilda pleaded again. I looked at Xavier and discreetly, tinaasan nya ko ng dalawang kilay. Yeah, it won't hurt if pag iisipan ko naman.

"Yeah fine, I'll think about it. Umuwi ka na and mag ready ka na I'm sure di mo pa alam isusuot mo." I told Hilda and I think that seemed to pacify her. Thank god. Mas gusto ko namang problemahin nya yung isusuot nya kesa kung pupunta ba ako or hindi.

Hilda left earlier and sabi ni Jem magkakape daw muna sya sa condo so she stayed behind. I'm glad she did kasi may kailangan akong hingin sa kanya.

"Jem, pumunta ka na don please." I told her when I sat down beside Xavier and his arm was instantly around me. I'm presently 80% sure that I don't want to attend that shower dahil una I won't even stand it, pangalawa I wasn't ready, and pangatlo, ayokong mapilitan makipag usap sa mga taong ayokong kausapin.

"Why, pupunta ka ba?" She eyed me.

"I said I'll think about it. Pero if I'm not going, be there for Hilda."

"Pero ikaw wala don? Harper I'll be bored out of my mind. Nandun din yung nanay ko so malamang tita thing yon!" Jem groaned. Syempre tita thing yon. As if naman kaya ng nanay kong mag hire ng strippers. At tanghaling tapat? Saan sasayaw yon? Sa garden??

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"It's just lunch. You'll live through it. If I won't go, Hilda will need you there. You're family, and friends na din kayo." I said to her. If Hilda somehow remains upset sa nanay namin, at least Jem could be there. It would be the next best thing for Hilda if I decide not to come.

"Fine! Utang mo to saakin." Naka simangot nanaman sya but she already knows why I'm asking her to go. "Tulad ni Xavier, I won't tell you to go there kasi alam ko naman yung mga rason mo. Agree na pag isipan mo nga kasi di naman ikakamatay ni Hilda na wala ka don."

"Thanks. Yes, utang ko to. Bigyan kita ng boylet na ang pangalan Franco." I joked. Ayoko na muna pag usapan na pag iisipan ko kung pupunta ako or not.

Jem suddenly looked excited. OMG trip ba nya si Franco all of a sudden?? "OMG speaking of Franco! Niyaya sya ni Liv for a date!!!"

Nagulat kaming pareho ni Xavier. That's so unexpected dahil I couldn't imagine na si Oivia pa yung nag first move. She got dates only because Jem kept throwing someone at her. Wow. I guess hindi lang ako yung nagbago saaming tatlong magkakaibigan. "Tangina di nga?" I asked. Natawa si Xavier sa tabi ko. "Matchmaker talaga ako e. Buti naman!"

"Oo pero medyo lasing si Liv nung ginawa nya yon." Natawa din si Jem probably remembering kung paano kwinento ni Liv yon sa kanya.

"Kelan?" Xavier asked for me. I'm glad na nangyayari to. Naisip ko na when Xavier mentioned them before na bagay si Liv at Franco. I'm now excited how this will play out.

"Two days ago? Nung bridal shower ni Hilda. Kakatapos nyo lang din yata uminom nila Franco non Xavier? Nagulat si girl kinabukasan sa mga text nila ni Franco. Though feeling ko naman nagustuhan nya si Franco nung birthday mo pa lang. Sila yung mga pareho ng trip sa buhay e. Alam na natin sayo nagmana yang friend natin. Dumadamoves pag lasing." Jem giggled.

"Sana naman saakin ka lang ganon." Yumakap si Xavier sakin ng mahigpit. As if naman hindi pa nya alam yon.

"Ay seloso si architect." Jem teased Xavier na hindi naman nagdeny.

"No I drunk text a lot of people." I stuck my tongue out at him and he kissed my cheek pressing me towards him, pinangigigilan ako sa sinagot ko. "Okay, this is too much for me ngayong umaga, aalis nako mamaya ano pang mawitness ko dito. If magkakaron ng lovelife si Liv kailangan may makilala din ako sa Boracay." Jem said as she stood up. Natawa ako kasi naawkward sya sa PDA namin despite pointing out kanina kay Hilda na dapat sanay na sila. Well, I think madami na kaming nabiktima ni Xavier sa ganon lalu na sa mga trips namin. I think sa office lang kami hindi PDA. At least alam pa rin namin saan pipigilan. "Ako wing man mo Jem. I got you. Pag uwi mo from Boracay may boyfriend ka na. Tatlo pa." Xavier offered then tumayo din sya para ihatid si Jem sa pintuan para umuwi na and begrudgingly get ready for the bridal shower na pinilit ko sa kanya. Well IF pupunta naman ako, we'll both share the misery.

"Maligo na din tayo miss. Para di ka ma late in case maisipan mong pupunta ka dun sa bahay nyo." Xavier pulled me to stand up and I groaned. "It's only 10am babe."

"Isang oras tayo maliligo pero baka ma late ka parin." He winked at me playfully and di nako nagreklamo dun.

*

Xavier and I were already inside his car sa parking after the long shower he promised me and getting ready when he asked me kung saan ba kami pupunta. I was glad he didn't ask me earlier kung ano yung iniisip ko about going back sa bahay namin, which was something I really thought about.

"Where to, Ms. Javier?"

I typed our destination sa Waze ng phone ko.

"Home." I answered and tiniginan nya yung Waze ko. He smiled at me softly and kissed my forehead. Yes, I was happy as he was about my decision.

We arrived sa bahay nila after a few minutes and sakto naman na paumpisa na ng lunch yung family nya and they greeted us happily nung dumating kami.

"You should have called earlier Xavier na dadating pala kayo ni Harper, e di dapat madami akong pinaluto." His mom smiled at the both of us as we took our seats sa dining table nila. Ang dami ngang nakahanda e.

"Di ko din alam na pupunta kami. Biglaang nagyaya si Harper." He turned to me and beamed.

"Buti naman Harper at nagpapractice ka na. Pag alis ni Xavier, Sunday lunch dito palagi ha." His dad told me na parang talagang magiging ritual na namin to. I've never felt more at home than ever.

Nagkwentuhan kami while eating and I couldn't stress well enough na ang saya ko na dito ko naisip pumunta. I wasn't able to bring myself to go back sa bahay ng magulang ko since I wasn't close to being ready yet. Aaminin kong I get really anxious just thinking of returning there. Even more anxious than before when I used to go home weekly for "family" dinners and lunches.

After lunch, niyaya kaming dalawa ni Xavier ni Tatay sa bahay nya to have coffee and excited naman ako dun since I love his house because of all his art. I wonder if magiging ganon yung bahay namin ni Xavier. Ay excited masyado? How can I not be? Being with his family excited me more and more tungkol sa future namin ni Xavier.

They talked about Seattle, and for the first time, I wasn't worried or sad over it or nagpapanic deep inside. I know mapapadpad din ako dun at the right time.

"Where will you be staying? Di mo pa sinasabi saakin." I turned to Xavier. "May mga campus housing sila for post-graduate students and kumuha nako. FaceTime kita para alam mo and makita mo." He answered and nainggit ako bigla. I've always loved universities sa USA, iba kasi yung dating. Maybe I can also try getting my master's degree there? Again, I need to plan out all my ideas. Kung ano ano kasi mga naiisip ko whenever I attempt to start planning about Seattle. "Wait hindi naman yun dorm?" Kasi if dorm baka hindi ako makaka stay with him when I visit sa Christmas. I'll need to book a hotel and he'll stay with me there.

"No, apartments yon and yung kinuha ko yung pang tatlong tao. May ka-share akong dalawa pero magkakaibang kwarto naman. So pag binisita mo ko, magkasama tayo. And may kasama tayo." He winked at me, I'm sure niloloko nanaman nya ko over loving so much PDA. Jusko Xavier sa harap talaga ng lolo mo. Namula ako over it.

"You'll love it there Harper. Malamig on most months, but masasanay ka din." Tatay smiled at me, full of meaning. I swear, this man is so observant! Alam na yata nya na may balak akong pumunta kay Xavier for good. So sakanya nag mana si Xavier pag dating sa ganito.

"Tatay you also attended University of Washington?" I asked him. Bago pa magkafeeling si Xavier sa sinasabi ng Tatay nya.

"Oo, kaya nga dyan din nag online classes tong apo ko. Pero syempre, wala pang online nung panahon namin. Nasa Seattle ako for 4 years at dun ko nakilala yung lola nila." He smiled. Nakita ko na yung portrait ng lola ni Xavier whom the lovingly call 'Nanay'. Sobrang ganda nya and I'm sad I wasn't able to meet her. She died 3 years ago according to Xavier.

"Nung nakilala ni Tatay si Nanay, napahaba yung stay nya don." Xavier teased his lolo na napangiti lalu sa sinabi ng apo nya.

"Nung panahon ko, taon ang panliligaw." Tatay chuckled. Di ko alam kung mahihiya ako sa sinabi nya, 'dating' pa lang kami ni Xavier, pero parang ang tagal ko na syang boyfriend. Ni wala ngang panliligaw na nangyari.  "No judgements sa mga kabataan ngayon. Ibang panahon naman yon." He continued. Again, am I really that transparent sa mga naiisip ko? "Nung nakilala ko yung lola nila, love at first sight. Niligawan ko agad at sinundan kahit saan mag punta. Nung sinagot ako, ayun, niyaya ko agad magpakasal. We got married there. Sa city hall because we couldn't wait." Tatay looked so cute beaming as he remembered his memories there lalu na with their lola.

"Nag tagal pa lalu sila don because dun na pinanganak si dad. Ang lalandi." Xavier teased his lolo again. Gago malandi daw. E sya lalo.

"Alam mo na saan sya nag mana." Tatay winked at me and natawa ako. Exactly. "Saan pa ba?" Xavier also smiled at his grandfather with pride. Tumunog yung phone nya and he looked at the notification.

"Wait kayo muna magkwentuhan, dad needs me may pipirmahan daw for the firm." I frowned, nagtataka over what he said. Nasa firm pa ba sya? Of course Tatay read my confusion. "Tatay, kwento mo pa si Nanay kay Harper." He kissed the side of my head and tumayo na sya to return to their house.

"He's just signing a power of attorney. Di yata nasabi ni Xavier sayo na member sya ng board sa firm kaya pag alis nya, kailangan ng documents so we won't need his signature for important contracts." Tatay explained. "Wow Tay, I didn't know. He never told me."

"Xavier has always been really humble." I think lahat naman sila sa pamilya nila. Simple lang sila lahat and really happy because of it. How can I not compare my own family with theirs?

"Teka, bago ko ikwento sayo ang love of my life ko, anong plano mo Harper pag alis ni Xavier?" Mukhang kanina pa nya to gustong tanungin. I was actually glad to have someone to talk to about it.

"Actually Tay, I'm thinking about moving to Seattle after a year or sooner sana." I wasn't sure yet kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya yung tungkol sa mommy ko or if nasabi na sa kanila ni Xavier. I've been having a lot of questionable decisions when it came to my family lately but it all boils down to isolating them. Whether or not tama ba na hanggang ngayon lumalayo pa rin ako.

Sa totoo lang, nahihiya akong mag open up kay Tatay about my mom because I'm afraid na majudge ako. If I was an outsider looking at my situation, I would think I'm this heartless daughter, hard, cold, to be able to bear what I'm doing for this long. It has always been Xavier and my close friends who knew everything and understood me. Alam ko naman na if I tell Tatay kung anong nangyayari, he would definitely see both sides of the coin. Pero and hirap parin magsabi, lalu na sa mga taong buo how messed up you really are. "But I need to, umm, deal with something first so hindi pa po ako sure if kaya ko nga after ng isang taon."

He looked like he was studying me. For the first time, I wanted him not to. Kasi kahit hindi ko sya lolo, I don't want him to be disappointed with me. Maybe that has always been my problem kaya ayokong nagshashare ng kung ano-ano tungkol saakin. I hate disappointing people that I let into my life. "If tungkol yan sa family mo, gugustuhin ni Xavier na yun muna talaga yung unahin mo."

"Oo nga po e. I wouldn't want to leave din naman without facing it. Them." This one I answered truthfully. It kills me right now na may tinago ako so I promised myself na pag ready na ko, I'll tell tatay everything about my mother, and everything that goes with it.

"Tama yan Harper. Teka, something tells me, hindi pa alam ni Xavier yung plano mo to go to Seattle." ;Oh shucks, would he tell me not to go through with it?

"Hindi pa po e. I want to tell him sana kapag sure na po talaga na kaya ko na sumunod and if convenient na din sa kanya since ayaw ko naman na madidistract ko lang sya from what he's supposed to do."

"Xavier also mentioned a possible promotion?" He asked me. I think he already has an opinion since tinatanong na nya ako about everything that could affect my decision.

"Yes yun pa po. it's something big. If I get it, naisip ko mas malaki yung chances na maganda yung mahanap kong work sa Seattle and it would definitely help with saving up for the move. But if I do accept, it would mean that I wouldn't be able to go there sooner because of my responsibilities here." Isa pa to sa mga naiisip ko kasi I'm so sure that if it will be offered to me, Xavier would want me to take it. And it has always been my dream since I started working and finally after how many years, ayan na. How could I pass it up?

"Hindi ko alam if nasabi ni Xavier sayo yung sinabi ko sa kanya dati." Something tells me na kung ano man yon, hindi pa nya namention and mukhang may rason si Xavier for not telling me whatever this is. "Nung hindi ko pa alam na ikaw yung pagbibigyan ni Xavier ng sculpture sinabi ko sa kanya na kung sino man yung bibigyan nya, if hindi sya kayang piliin, he has to let her go so he can choose himself."

Uh-oh. I think this has something to do with his ex. Na ayaw na ng family ni Xavier na mangyari ulit yun sa kanya. If I choose the promotion, would that mean na di ko pipiliin si Xavier? Was that the price to pay of choosing? For my choice. "But nung nakilala na kita, namin, nakita ko naman na pinili mo sya, pinipili at pipiliin. Lalu na dahil naencourage mo sya to go through sa gusto nyang gawin sa Seattle." Okay I was relieved. Somehow I felt na pumasa ako, but kita ko na may gusto pang sabihin si tatay. "You have very good intentions and alam kong pag iisipan mo lahat ng gagawin mo. I know Xavier would love having you there with him, but if the promotion comes to you, hindi magiging labag sa kalooban ni Xavier if you take it. In fact, he would want you to take it more than anything else." I swallowed hard at what he said. Xavier and I have always wanted the same things for each other-to grab each other's best opportunities. It was one of the ways how we love each other.

"Kilala ko yung apo ko, pipiliin ka nya. I hope you know what that means, Harper."