Saving Harper

"Holly?" We slowly approached her. She looks like she's been crying for a long while already kasi pag tingin nya saamin, namumugto at namumula yung mga mata nya. Her hair was even disheveled. Medyo kinabahan ako kasi if she was here to make amends, I doubt she's going to cry like this.

It's definitely something else.

When she saw us, tumayo sya and nagulat kaming pareho ni Xavier nung yumakap sya saakin. What the???

I've already forgotten the last hug we've done. Parang bata pa kami non. My arms felt awkward as I patted her on the back. Xavier observed us for a while, well mostly me feeling ko natatawa sya kung gaano ako ka gulat at ka awkward sa nangyayari ngayon, but he can't exactly laugh at my face kasi sobra yung iyak ng kapatid ko.

I handed Xavier the keys to my condo since I don't think Holly wants to move yet umiiyak parin sya sa balikat ko. Xavier entered my condo to leave us two alone in the hallway.

"Holly, medyo kinakabahan nako sayo. Anong problema?" I asked her. It was a mistake, mas lalu syang humagulgol. God did someone die? But if someone did I'm sure yun yung una nyang sasabihin.

"I'm sorry Harper. I'm really sorry for what I did." She cried. Uhhmmm medyo OA to for a sorry. She finally let go so she can look at me. I just kept my straight face. I'm not sure if she's just crying for the drama. Para eventually maawa nalang ako and forgive her.

"You were totally right. I was so spoiled and so selfish. I never thought about anyone else except for myself. Hindi ko iniisip if may nasasaktan ako." She could barely say those words sa kaka ngawa nya. Yeah true, malapit nako ng konti maawa, but not enough to forgive her. What you are is never an excuse pag may nasaktan kang tao. And what she did, she did it on purpose.

Wala akong masabi as I wasn't ready for this. I was more prepared na hindi na ulit kami mag uusap kahit kailan. Was I ready to forgive her for everything? All her meanness, her selfishness, lack of care and empathy, blatant disregard for everything and everyone around her, her lies, and her not feeling the slightest apologetic about doing and being all of those things.

So bakit sya all of a sudden crying her eyes out and saying sorry? Gusto ba nyang mag artista? She has to try harder para makakuha ng emosyon galing saakin.

"Holly, I can't really understand why you're doing this. I know you, and I'm sorry if I'm doubting all of what you're saying to me right now." If I'm straight up about some thing other than work, it's letting my opinions about my family known to them.

"Yeah, may ibang reason talaga." See. This is not her. She finally stopped crying. The director just ended the scene. "Can we go inside to talk?" She pointed at my door.

"Paano mo nalaman where I live?" I asked with a frown as I opened my door. Nagugulat ka pa Harper e number nga ng fake boyfriend mo nahagilap nya.

"I asked Jem. For 3 days. And tatlong araw na din nyang sinasabi na even if she gives it to me, you're in Iceland with, umm, Xavier." Naiirita parin ako whenever she says Xavier's name. Gusto kong bawiin sa bibig nya. "I thought kahapon ka uuwi so I waited yesterday as well."

Di naman siguro SINCE yesterday.

"You could have just called. We stayed sa bahay nila Xavier when we arrived yesterday." Even saying his name to her was against my will.

Buti nalang nasa kwarto ko si Xavier pag pasok namin, I don't want to give Holly the chance to even look at him. I don't even want her breathing the same air as him.

I led her sa living room so we could talk. Having her here feels so weird. Like she carried with her yung vibes ng bahay ng magulang namin. It was out of place. She was out of place.

"So to what exactly do I owe your very, hmm, theatrical apology?" Tinaasan nya ko ng kilay. "Sorry, may bahid pa kasi ng bullshit." I continued. Well she knows it so what's the point na hindi sabihin.

"Mom said I should apologize." I should have predicted our parents interfered. And what after months pa bago nila narealize that it was Holly who should be apologizing? I scoffed and shook my head in disbelief.

"Bakit hindi nyo pa tigilan to? Obviously I don't think you have the slightest sincerity about being sorry. And mas maaapreciate ko pa if you just don't exert any effort at all instead of being insincere. I'm too tired to be offended by the way. So Holly, I don't care "

"Harper, mom is dying."

I stopped talking and nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. For a while I thought she said something else, but it was clear. Mom. Is. Dying. Our mother is dying.

"What?" As if I didn't hear her the first time.

"She has an advance stage of ovarian cancer..." She went on explaining it but wala ng nag register saakin, I stopped hearing her after the word "cancer". Hindi ko alam kung anong iisipin ko. I was still in shock, and honestly naguguluhan ako. I was thinking a lot of things but I couldn't retain anything at the same time. It was like Holly's voice. I can hear it but I couldn't understand because it only passed my ears and nothing seems to stick.

She was done talking and I was still staring at her trying to chase down the last string of thoughts that passed through my consciousness. But I failed.

"Harper. Did you hear me?"

I shook my incoherent thoughts away.

"When did you learn about this?" My voice was devoid of any emotion dahil wala pa yata akong maprocess.

"For a while already. Sila mom at dad lang and nakakaalam when she was diagnosed a few months ago." Unbelievable na pati yon hindi nila sinabi. And that "few months ago" could certainly be a year already for all I know and talagang tinago lang nila.

"Doctor kayong lahat and no one knew, even her?"

Parang naexplain na nya kanina yung sagot after she said that our mom was dying, but she repeated it for me anyway. "It's more common for ovarian cancer to be detected at the advance stage already because the signs and symptoms can easily be dismissed as a minor illness. Mom has a high pain threshold so when she had it checked, well, it was already too late."

"Am I the only one who doesn't know?" I wouldn't be surprised. Baka nga kung wala pa dito si Holly, hindi ko malalaman.

"Hilda doesn't know as well." I think I might have the most disappointed or angry look plastered on my face. "Ayaw nilang ipasabi."

"Then why are you here?" Hindi naman talaga yun yung gusto kong sabihin but I'm so mad right now. "How can they not want to say this to us?! Ano malalaman nalang namin pag patay na sya?!"

"Harper it wasn't easy for mom. Ayaw nyang maawa tayo sa kanya." Holly attempted to touch me but I shook her hand off my shoulder bago pa to lumapat.

"What's with pride and this family?" I said indignantly.

"Using your own words to me, don't play innocent Harper. Ikaw ang may pinaka mataas na pride dito." Nauubusan na din ng pasensya si Holly sakin. Mukhang matagal na nyang gustong sabihin yon saakin. Tama sya, baka kung may namana ako sa pamilya namin, it would be yung kataasan ng pride. I'd like to think na sa kanila lang ako ganon.

"Oh please. Tinalikuran nyo kong lahat years ago and I merely did the same. I needed to cling to that pride for myself dahil pagod na pagod nakong iprove yung sarili ko sainyong lahat."

"Can we just set aside our differences Harper? For mom. She wants us to. That's why I came here, to say sorry." So talagang umiyak lang sya dahil sinabi ng nanay namin na humingi sya ng tawad saakin.

I can't process anything about my mom sa totoo lang. Hindi pa nagsisink in. I think my brain doesn't want to go there yet. I'm still very upset over the fact na hindi man lang to masabi ng magulang ko saakin and kailangang si Holly pa yung magsabi.

"Are you really? Pag isipan mo muna yan Holly. Di yung sorry ka lang dahil sinabi ni mommy." Naluha sya. I don't even know if she's crying because I couldn't forgive her now, or dahil lang I mentioned mom and napilitan lang syang gawin to. "Tell Hilda." Ayoko muna syang sagutin about setting our differences aside, mas importanteng malaman din to ni Hilda.

I waited for her to answer. I can't have Hilda not know all of this. Kung ako nga I'm upset, paano pa sya. She lives with them!

"I can't." Holly said with a small voice.

"Anong you can't? Tinago nyo saamin and you still want to keep doing it to Hilda? Eto nanaman tayo e. You hate talking about things pretending it will just go away pag hindi nyo pinansin. Well, this one will not. Mom's..." I couldn't say it aloud. This won't go away because mom's dying already. No one could stop that.

Holly was just silent. I have a feeling gets na nya yung patutunguhan nung hindi ko masabi.

"How long?" I asked.

"A year. At the most." My god, it was at that level already?

Holly and I were enveloped in silence for a long time before she decided na she already said everything I needed to know and left.

I entered my bedroom after I ushered her out of my condo and si Xavier naghihintay lang saakin.

"How are you babe? Bakit sya umiiyak? Wait what's wrong?" Xavier was sitting on my bed.

Napabuntong hininga ako as I sat in front of him. Now I'm feeling it. The heaviness of all that Holly said. The heaviness of what's happening.

"Mom's... dying." My lips shook as I uttered those words to Xavier. He didn't expect it as well. He pulled me into his arms in a tight hug and I finally started crying. Matagal muna akong umiyak before I told him yung mga sinabi ni Holly. Saying it aloud made it all finally sink in.

You can't choose your family. I couldn't even count how many nights I've cried when I was feeling so alone wishing I had a different one. I've always wondered what would it feel like if I had that choice. I'd probably choose the most understanding dad, a caring mother, and sisters who could be my best friends and would be there for me no matter what. In other words I would choose a fantasy. But sila yung napunta saakin e. And I'm so mentally and emotionally messed up because of them. I don't think I could ever forget that.

With my mom dying, would it mean that all of a sudden I should forget everything? Even if I'm not ready? Take a look at Holly, she came here because our dying mother said she should make amends with me. Could I do the same? Kaya ko na bang kalimutan na when I needed people to support me with the biggest decision in my life back then, not one of them told me na tama na gawin ko yung gusto ko para sa sarili ko. Not one of them even asked about my classes and if I was happy with what I was doing. Kaya ko bang kalimutan how my parents made me feel every single day that they are still disappointed with me over my choices. Kaya ko bang kalimutan na they drove me to leave home because of that disappointment I keep seeing in their eyes. Kaya ko bang kalimutan yung mga panahon na mag isa akong naghahanap ng paraan how I could sustain living by myself because none of them cared to check on me kung may kailangan ba ko. To forget that when I needed them to at least show up, proud man sila saakin or hindi during my graduation, they didn't. Paano ko kakalimutan na kaya ako bitter at galit tuwing umuuwi sa kanila ay dahil hindi ko makalimutan lahat ng yon. "Do you want me to stay?" Xavier whispered softly and lovingly as he still held me in his arms. For a second there, I almost answered that we already agreed he'd be staying for the night. But that wasn't his question. He was asking me if I wanted him to stay. As in stay.

"Pwede ko namang i-delay yung pag alis ko. May next term pa naman. Or next year."

"No." I said quickly. Umiling pa ko nung sinabi ko yung sagot ko.

"Ay grabe sya, ayaw nakong kasama." He said lightly. Alam ko naman he's just trying to make me smile.

To have him beside me as I battle my demons would be the only thing that could make me stronger in facing them. But I couldn't do that to him.

"Babe, if you stay for me, I'll only feel guilty. I'm so proud of you and yung gagawin mo para sa sarili mo. I told you I'll wait for you, and that is what I'm going to do. My family is a burden I can carry on my own." I said. I hope I convinced him. Alam ko naman na kaya ko e. Pero iba parin yung nandito sya. Iba talaga when you've experienced having someone in your life, feeling mo hindi mo na kayang mag isa. Hindi mo na gugustuhing mag isa. But I need to go through this alone. For Xavier.

"Alam ko naman na kaya mo. Ikaw pa ba Ms. Javier? Wala kang hindi kayang gawin. I just want to be here for you." He dried me tear-stained face and kissed me.

"You don't need to be here physically Mr. Arnaiz. FaceTime lang, okay na sakin." I kissed him back. Mas lalu kong hindi pa masasabi sa kanya yung plano kong sumunod sakanya agad. With what's happening with my mom, baka yung plano ko yung ma delay. "And if you don't FaceTime me everyday, patay ka sakin." Nagpakawala nalang ako ng joke para di halata na I'm a little disappointed.

"Kelan mo pa ayaw ng physical?" He winked at me. Eto na ulit si hirit boy. "Kahit tulog ka, papanoorin kita. Wala namang bago dun Harper."

"Tigilan mo nga ako, alam naman nating ikaw unang nakakatulog saating dalawa." Inirapan ko sya with a smile.

"Ako pala pinapanood mong matulog ah." He kissed me and inhaled my neck. I do. There's a certain calmness I get when I watch him sleep. Na parang napapahinga na din ako. And I can definitely do it forever.

Pinatagal ko yung pag book namin ng Boracay tickets namin for Hilda's wedding because it meant na paalis na din sya, but I think we need to do it already. Pag hindi pa kami nag book, baka mag bago pa isip ko at magpaka selfish and beg him to stay. It doesn't help that I don't even need to beg. Isang sabi ko lang, he'll put his whole life on hold for me.

"Babe." I gently pushed his chest away from me. He groaned in protest dahil inistorbo ko sya sa kakahalik sa leeg ko. "Babe, later na. I think we need to book our tickets already para sa kasal ni Hilda."

He sat up straight. "So ready ka na?"

"Bakit tayo ba yung ikakasal?" TANGINA. NADULAS AKO! "I mean ako. Ako ba yung ikakasal?" Pathetic effort to salvage my kahihiyan.

Xavier looked nang aasar as always. He pushed the side of his cheek with his tongue. Di ko alam kung anong mas gusto ko yung lolokohin nalang nya ako verbally or ganito nya ko titignan. "So gusto mo ng ikasal?" He teased. I wanted to die. Oh shit bad joke.

"No!" I answered. Ay no na no naman??? Plastic mo Harper. Pag niyaya ka naman nyan oo ka agad.

"Noted." He slowly nodded. Ayan, dakila kang tanga Harper. Bobo. "In two years?" He grinned. Ahhhkkkkk. KILIG.

Namula ako and nodded. Feeling ka naman Harper baka tinatanong ka lang nya kung anong edad mo gusto magpakasal. Not necessarily sa kanya.

"Okay ako don. Handa mo yang kamay mo para sa singsing na bibilhin ko." He kissed me again and tumayo sya para kunin yung laptop ko so we can book tickets. I excused myself para mag cr. Di ko kinakaya! I silently screamed and danced around sa cr.

It was tricky booking the tickets. Walang problema yung papunta sa Boracay e, ang problema yung pabalik. Xavier's flight to Seattle was exactly 2 days after the wedding. At madaling araw pa. The wedding was on a Friday, Xavier leaves on a Sunday. God. Gusto ko na agad mag bago ng isip. Nagsusumigaw na kong wag nya kong iwan. No Harper, kaya mo to! Diba for him?

"Love bakit naman kasi ganito yung flight mo? 3am??"

"Si ate nag book nyan! Ewan ko ba dun. Yung mga family trips namin talagang madaling araw yung alis pag sya nag aasikaso. Mura ata." He chuckled as we scanned fights. Xavier chose a return flight to Manila ng 9am, but only for one person. I frowned at him. "You need to stay with them." OH NO WAY.

"No fucking way! Plano kitang ihatid sa airport!" I kind of shouted. Kahit wala akong gagawin don kung hindi umiyak. He took me in his arms. "Chill baby. Di ko sinabing hindi mo magagawa yon. Take a later flight, para makapag lunch ka pa kasama pamilya mo. Oo alam ko yun kasi kahit ako kinekwentuhan ni Hilda tungkol sa kasal nya." He chuckled. Yeah nakwento nga ni Hilda na may lunch for the whole family before everyone heads home and they catch their flight to their honeymoon. I'm happy na Xavier got to be close with Hilda, Nick, Jem and kahit sandali, kela kuya Terrence and Joey. "May family dinner din sa bahay the night before I leave, so dun kita hihintayin, ok ba yon? Sayo ako buong gabi after that dinner." He reassured me.

Ang problema, yung flight na natitira nalang is 5pm and sa Kalibo pa mang gagaling. I think naman if I eat and run, I have plenty of time to get to that flight kahit kailangan ko ng itabi saakin yung maleta ko habang kumakain para ready to go nako. I also booked a van service to take me from the Caticlan port to Kalibo para sure na sure na aabot ako sa flight ko.

"Love, anong plano mong gawin sa family mo? Sa nanay mo?" Xavier asked as we cuddled sa sofa. Maaga pa for dinner so we decided na manood muna ng Netflix to kill time before we order out, pareho na kaming tinatamad mag luto but actually ayoko lang talagang gumalaw sa yakap nya.

Parang kanina pa nya gustong itanong dahil mukhang ang bilis kong mag bounce back from the news.

"I don't know yet. Wait my feelings out? Hanggang ready nako bumalik sa kanila." He didn't judge me on my answer. Naiiyak nanaman ako. I felt like the most walang kwentang anak. Saan ka naman nakakakita ng malalaman na mamamatay na yung nanay nya pero instead of running back to her, pinagiisipan pa if kaya na nya.

Can anyone blame me for wanting to at least be sincere that I want to go back to them? Siguro naman ok lang yon. Ayokong labag sa kalooban kong kailangan kong kalimutan lahat.

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My mind drifted off to Xavier's family. Sana man lang kahit si Tatay nabigay sakin para hindi ako ganito ka-bitter. I love Xavier's lolo, actually, it's not hard na mahalin yung pamilya ni Xavier.

Funny kasi naalala ko yung sinabi ko tungkol kay Kylie, well exes in general, na pag may bago ka ng nakilala, they can somehow find a way to resurface. I guess hindi lang sa ex applicable, but to people who leave you life or those you have left behind. Babalik at babalik hanggat hindi mo hinaharap.

"Okay lang yon, if hindi ka pa talaga ready. If ever you decide na gusto mo na bumalik para makita mommy mo, sasamahan kita." He smiled at me. "One final act as your fake boyfriend. Kasi sa susunod na makita nila ko, asawa mo nako." Natawa ako sa sinabi nya pero kinikilig talaga ako. Oh how I wish na ganun talaga mangyari. Willing to wait naman ako. And syempre, pag di ko din natiis, susundan ko na talaga sya.

My final two months with Xavier almost went like a blur. Hindi lang kami weekends magkasama since we both can feel our time winding down and everyday he slept over at my place. Eto na yata yung taon na gamit na gamit ko lahat ng leave ko sa kakabakasyon namin. We went to Palawan for a week to see the underground caves and the beautiful beaches of Coron and El Nido. I really didn't want to leave. We went to Bicol and I got to see the Mayon Volcano, Bohol for the chocolate hills and the cute tarsiers na medyo naging emotional pa ko when I learned na malapit na silang maextinct and they have suicidal tendencies. We went to Cebu to swim with whale sharks pero si Xavier lang talaga yung nagswimming dahil takot talaga ako and naghintay lang ako sa bangka. I just watched the video he took. Siargao, for surfing again and all I could say is wala talaga akong improvement don. I also enjoyed our very long road trip to Ilocos and the food there. I think my life changed nung natikman ko yung Vigan longganisa. Nagreklamo na si Xavier dahil dalawang araw na yun lang yung gusto kong kainin. But it wasn't all out of town trips. He took me to Intramuros for a walking tour, we also went to the National Museum which I already went to on our gradeschool trip but the only thing I could remember was the Spoliarium, na hanggang ngayon yun parin yung favorite kong painting don. A couple of weekends we also spent sa bahay nila with his family.

We still made the travel videos and nasanay na din ako doon.

I also cried a lot (sa cr) when Xavier handed in his resignation to Franco. He had to call me five times sa phone and di na nya natiis and pumasok na sya sa ladies bathroom para sunduin ako.

That was embarrassing kasi a lot of people saw my red eyes from all the crying I did. Oh yeah, human na talaga ako para sa mga tao sa opisina.

Kahit na resigned na sya, halos araw araw syang nasa office for me, except on days where he has to pack. Pag ganong, magka FaceTime kami, practice na daw for when he leaves. Medyo naluha ako sa ilalim ng lamesa ko when he said that. Lately, I couldn't get a grip of myself. Natatakot akong bigla nalang sumigaw na wag nya kong iiwan. Very dramatic lang.

One night Hilda called me habang nagluluto kami ni Xavier.

"Yes Hilds?"

"Can you fucking believe mom and dad?!?!" She screamed at me and muntik ko ng mabitawan yung phone ko. Shit, it took them this long to tell Hilda about mom??? Tangina talaga.

"I'm sorry Hilds, I should have told you as soon as sinabi sakin ni Holly." ;I felt really bad. I should have told her but instead hinayaan ko pang sila yung magsabi. Alam ko naman na hindi ko sila maasahan to do it. I was still the crappy sister.

"No, they should have told us! Ate Holly said na she told you. Alam mo ba kung paano ko pa nalaman??? Through Nick's doctor friend in Oncology!" Hilda cursed a lot and ang haba haba ng litanya nya over her hate. Then finally natapos sa pag iyak nya. "What should we do?" She asked between sobs.

"Hilds, kayo yung doctor saatin. Could we do anything?" She cried harder. Alam naman nya e.

"Ate, I can't deal with it. When Nick told me nahimatay ako." That only made me feel like shit. Sobrang gago mo Harper. Kinaya ko pang magbakasyon pero telling Hilda about this di mo ginawa.

"I'm really sorry Hilda. Dapat sinabi ko na."

"Yeah you should have. But ate I don't blame you. I fucking live with them! Imagine na kaharap ko silang kumakain almost every day tapos wala???"

Hilda calling me made me cry over all the remorse I was feeling sa hindi pag sabi sa kanya. Sabi ko I'd be a better sister and this wasn't the way to do it. I kept apologizing to her and paulit-ulit din nyang sinabi na hindi sya galit saakin. "Ate when are you coming home?" She finally asked.

"Honestly, I don't know Hilds."

"Yeah I think I understand. Di nga ako makauwi ngayon. I dragged Nick out of the house after shouting at mom and dad. Nandito kami ngayon sa bahay ng parents nya. Tangina I'm getting married in two weeks tapos ganito mangyayari? Why is our family like this?"

Matagal ko na ding tanong yan. I comforted her. I don't want her knowing my hesitations dahil baka maka impluwensya pa ko na lumayo din sya sa magulang namin.

Xavier was instantly beside me nung natapos yung phonecall namin ni Hilda. Kanina pa nya ko tinitignan and he can clearly see that I'm more upset than I let on. He hugged me. What would I do on days I feel awful and I need a hug pag nasa Seattle na sya?

"Babe what's the real reason that's holding you back from coming home para bisitahin yung mommy mo?" Xavier asking me this was the only reason for me to sift through my repressed thoughts and feelings for the real reason I couldn't face. "You need to tell me kasi kailangan masasabi mo sakin yung mga ganito. Again, practice for the future." Kaya parin nyang mahaluan ng kilig yung ganitong moments. But totoo din naman.

I already told Xavier na galit pa rin ako and I don't know yet if I can forget everything that messed me up. I think he's really asking why I couldn't even think about my "why" and face it. Mas kilala na nya ko ngayon, alam nyang umiiwas ako na isipin yun.

I hated my family. Ang dami kong hang ups and resentment pag dating sa kanila. I said I was even wishing for a different family and kahit na I know a lot of people do it as well, I feel bad about it. I let my hate be the breeding ground of bitterness and animosity. Sa totoo lang, I hated the fact that I needed to rid myself of them for my own sanity. I didn't enjoy it. I never wanted to apologize for going against them. Pero napapag isip din ako minsan if I should have. Would it make any difference? Minsan I hate myself for not trying but then I usually justify it with 'sila nga hindi makapag effort, bakit ako'.

But now I just hate the fact that all I can feel about my situation with my family is...

"Guilt."