Saving Harper

My heart was still beating fast kahit na it's been hours already when Xavier brought me home from the ArtFair and it has been going like that the entire time we were together the whole night. I can't believe I said to him na he should try having me as his girlfriend! Nakakahiya.

Buti nalang may maiingay na grupo ng mga babaeng dumaan gushing loudly over John Lloyd Cruz who was also there that's why Xavier didn't hear what I blurted out. Thank you, John Lloyd!

I won't be able to handle being rejected or driven away. Especially by people that I care about. Tama si Jem, our families screwed us up big time.

Or maybe, it just wasn't meant to be.

Pero bakit buong Sabado the only feeling I had was I want to be with him?

Kasi hulog ka na Harper. Hulog na hulog. I dug my own grave, I'm lying down on it at parang wala nakong balak tumayo. Haaay. Xavier what did you do to me?

I've never felt this need to be with anyone else before. Yeah sure, may mga times na ganito ako with my exes, but not as strong. Parang bumabalik ako sa pagkabata. Yung wala kang ibang gustong kasama kung hindi yung crush mo at kilig na kilig ka sa lahat ng ginagawa at sinasabi nya kahit na inaasar at pinipikon ka lang naman nya. Na parang kabarkada.

Maybe I was just bored that's why I'm feeling all this? I ended up cleaning my whole condo to get over my feelings. Therapy. Harper masyado ka ng matanda to be craving kilig moments over some unrequited attraction. Unrequited. Napadiin yung pag scrub ko ng kitchen tiles while I was thinking about that.

Yup I was hopeless.

(text) Queen of the Damned: Harper, tea tomorrow at the house. 1pm. You can't say no.

Well ano pa bang sasabihin ko sa nanay ko kung hindi na nya ko binigyan ng choice diba? Teka, tea? Seryoso ba? Last time I checked wala naman kami sa Europe. Mga pakana ng nanay ko talaga. (text) Me: Ok basta may scones.

She'll probably roll her eyes at my immature reply. Tangina, I wonder if Holly will be there? Feeling ko naman iiwasan nya ko after what happened. Crap. Maybe the tea was with Julian and his parents. Ugggh. I scrubbed more forcefully.

Should I invite Xavier? Having him there would definitely lighten the mood and para mapamukha ko na once and for all to everyone that I already have a boyfriend and Julian and I will never ever happen. Pero mukhang madami ding ginagawa si Xavier sa buhay nya. He doesn't even text me on weekends. Or ever. Except kapag may sasabihin lang sya talaga.

Ay. Bakit Harper may obligasyon ba sya sayo? I frowned at my thoughts and gigil na gigil nako sa tiles ko. This is definitely not therapeutic like I hoped it would be.

That's why Sunday morning, I went for a spa treatment and a massage before heading out to my parents' house, ready to face whatever ridiculous idea my mom has cooked up.

Pag dating ko, the maid said my parents were out on the terrace. I was relieved na silang tatlo lang nila Hilda yung nandon. I was not in the mood to face Holly. Maybe it was about Hilda's already nearing wedding?

Lumapit ako sa kanila and syempre automatic as if I asked for it, nag labas ng bagong tray na may tasa and teapot yung maid and coffee for choices. Natawa ako kasi may English scones talaga. Bumeso ako sa kanilang tatlo. "Hi ate. Where's kuya Xavier?" Hilda asked.

"Busy sa plates for submission." I made something up. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung tama pinagsasasabi ko. I can't really say 'Oh I don't know because I don't talk to my fake boyfriend on weekends. Hindi kasama sa kontrata namin yon.' Was I still bitter over Xavier not texting me? Jusko.

I just sat down to drink my coffee. "So, what's this about at hindi ako pwedeng tumanggi?" I asked my mom.

"Hilda, leave us alone muna." My mom turned to Hilda na biglang sumimangot. Sinabayan ko sya sa pagsimangot.

"Ma, my god, I'm already 26 di mo nako kailangan paalisin whenever "adults" would talk. I'm already getting married for god's sakes." Hilda said scornfully. Tama naman din kahit na siningit nanaman nya yung kasal nya don. I really don't know how this kid does it.

Well I don't think our mom could tell me anything na ikakamatay ko kung malalaman ni Hilda. She stood her ground and inirapan sya ni mommy kasi tahimik lang din si daddy so I don't think he has a problem with Hilda being there. Whatever this is.

This was definitely not because of the wedding. Wala din parents ni Julian. So ano?

"Holly talked to us."

Shit. Di parin sya talaga tumigil at kailangan pa nyang mag sumbong sa magulang namin. Ano kami 5 years old?

I just waited for mom to say something more. I want to know kung anong pinagsasasabi ng magaling kong kapatid. Hilda glanced to me and she looked confused, obviously di nya alam yung sinasabi ng nanay namin.

"She told us that that boyfriend of yours was texting her and you shouted at her at an art exhibit." My mother said sternly. Napanganga ako sa sinabi nya. What the hell??? Holly completely turned this around na parang hinahabol pa sya ni Xavier. Leche.

"Harper, that boy is bad news if he's flirting while you're together, most of all with your sister. Now, if you were with Julian, I don't think this is going to happen." My mom finished.

"What?! She told you that???" Ang kapal ng mukha ng kapatid ko!

"Well it's not surprising if you didn't know he's doing it "I didn't let her finish.

"The nerve of her to lie to the both of you! She's the one texting Xavier that he had to block her! He didn't even give her his number. Holly has been trying to flirt with Xavier since her birthday! And I didn't shout at her sa ArtFair, I merely warned her sa ginagawa nya na matagal ko ng alam." Not true technically na matagal ko ng alam. But everything else was true. I believe Xavier kasi alam kong liar yung kapatid ko. Nang gigigil nako. "Do you even know why she's there? Kasi sinundan nya si Xavier. By the way can you all forget about Julian already? He and I will never happen." I said still frowning. My god. Nangyayari yung lahat ng to tapos my mom still manages to bring up Julian.

"Now Harper, you might not even know the whole truth. Holly would never do that." My mom pointed out. Hilda suppressed a grunt which she disguised as a cough. My dad just observed us. Hindi naman sya masyadong nakikisali sa pag tatalo namin but I know na kasama syang kinausap ni Holly.

"Oh please. Of course I know the truth and baka kayo yung hindi nakakaalam ng totoo. Did you know na inagawan ni Holly ng boyfriend si Christina and si Phoebe AND si ate Rhian? Mga sarili naming pinsan. That's how low your precious daughter is. Did you know any of that? Or you think I'm also lying about it? Ask Hilda." I was already starting to raise my voice.

Nasan na ba yang kapatid ko??? Para masaktan ko na once and for all.

"It's true. Nung college yung boyfriend ni ate Christina and Phoebe tapos sa med school, yung boyfriend ni ate Rhian. That's why they don't come during family gatherings." Hilda shrugged. Nakasimangot na yung tatay ko. Clearly ngayon lang nya nabalitaan yon. No emotions passed my mom's face. She has heard of it I'm sure.

"You shouldn't have shouted at her in public so you should apologize." My mom looked unbothered by what Hilda and I just said. UNBE-fucking-LIEVABLE.

"Seriously ma? You're still taking her side on this???" I was already beyond furious. I can't believe this is happening. Ano bang pinakain ni Holly sa magulang namin? "Holly is the most manipulative and selfish person I have ever known. And you know kung bakit ganyan yung ugali nya? Because you spoiled her. You keep giving her everything she wants kahit mali na! So kahit ano pang sabihin mo sakin ngayon, I'm not going to fucking apologize to her. Dahil sya yung mali dito! And it's not my fault na hindi mo makita yon."

"Harper! Don't talk to your mother that way." My dad firmly told me. Wala nakong pakielam.

"I'm not going to apologize for anything to anyone here especially if all of you just keeps on deviating from the real problem. Kasi palaging ayaw nyo namang harapin e. You keep on pretending you have the perfect family and the perfect daughter so you don't have to deal with anything. Tapos na ba tayo dito? Kasi pagod nako. From now on, let's forget about lunches, dinners, or tea or whatever shit you call this. I'm never coming back here."

Napatayo si Hilda and si dad. My dad held my arm para pigilan ako as I was about to walk out. "So bibitawan mo kaming lahat because of this misunderstanding over a boy?" He eyed me.

"First, this is not a misunderstanding. Holly is a liar and you've somehow took her side on this despite that. Second, Xavier's not some "boy". You're talking about my boyfriend not just some disposable person in your lives. Especially mine. Lastly, why are you so surprised dad? Binitawan nyo nga ako because of your own selfish reasons and I still have been dealing with that fact until now. Did you even know about that? Syempre hindi because none of you bothered. You let me go before, you'll be able to move on from this." Even if I tried not to say it, lumabas na yung isa sa mga matagal ko ng gustong sabihin sa kanila. Lalu na sa tatay ko.

He willingly let me go after what I said and nag lakad nako paalis. I could hear Hilda's footsteps following me. "Ate..." She called out.

"Don't, Hilds. I'm going." I just simply said without turning around to face her.

I didn't look back as I left the house.

I wasn't able to go too far when I completely broke down. I cried hard because I know it will be the last time that I'll be crying over this. All this time I've been hoping na somehow may magbabago sa relationship namin ng parents ko, pero clearly wala so it's time to let this go.

My phone rang sa gitna ng pagdadrama ko. It was Xavier.

"Hey." I answered trying to clear my voice.

"Hi. Nasan ka?" He asked.

"Kotse." I tried to hide yung pag singhot ko sa boses ko.

"Sorry, nagdadrive ka ba? Teka umiiyak ka ba? Bakit ka nagmamaneho habang umiiyak? At bakit ka umiiyak?" Tuloy tuloy nyang tanong.

"Chill sa mga tanong. Di ako nagdidrive and..." I sighed.

"Galing ka sa bahay nyo? Sabi ko sayo sasamahan kita pag ganyan." He finished. "You want to talk about it?"

Do I? No, ayoko na.

"Not really. So what's up?" I answered.

"Busy ka ba today?" My heart thrummed. And tapos nako umiyak bigla.

"Di naman. Maaga natapos yung tea namin." Umirap ako sa 'tea'. It was more of an ambush.

"Tea? As in tyaa?" He curiously asked.

"Yup. With the Queen of the Damned."

He chuckled at my answer. "Sige, kikidnapin kita ha."

I smiled at his words. "Hmm may kidnaper palang nag papaalam?" Kilig na kilig naman ako.

"Polite akong kidnaper. Pero daanan moko."

Natawa ako. "Saan ka naman nakakita ng kidnaper na susundiin pa ng kikidnapin nya?"

"Saan ka ba nakakita ng gwapong kidnaper?" He boasted. Oo na. Saka as if naman tatanggi ako.

"So saan tayo pupunta?" I asked as I started driving. I'm glad I finally have something to look forward to at hindi ko tatapusin tong araw na to ng badtrip ako.

"Di yan tinatanong ng kikidnapin." He laughed. "Pero pupunta tayo somewhere na makakasigaw ka pero masaya ka parin. Text ko sayo address ko. Ingat ka sa pagdidrive ha. Wala ng iiyak." He said kasi naririnig na nyang nagdidrive na ulit ako. I was curious kung saan kami pupunta, but I don't want to ruin the surprise so di nako nag tanong ulit.

"Okay, gwapong kidnaper. See you. Bye."

Xavier hooted. "Finally, inamin mo ding gwapo ako! See you, beautiful." Napanganga ako dun.

I drove with a stupid smile on my face. Xavier can really turn my mood around. Paano ko sya hindi magugustuhan? I wished he heard yung hinirit ko nung Friday.

Or not. Takot parin ako sa rejection.

Takot akong mareject nya.

"Wooohhhh!!! UP fight!!!" I was screaming with everyone in our area. As the last seconds of the game trickled and the game was over. Si Xavier nakaupo lang sa tabi ko pouting kasi talo sila. "Okay, loser. Tara." Hinila ko si Xavier palabas ng MOA Arena pag tapos nyang kumanta ng school hymn nila.

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"Grabe naman yung loser." He squeezed my hand as the crowd piled to exit.

"Talo kayo, ano pang itatawag ko sayo?" I laughed.

This was really a turnaround to my day. We rode the escalator down and he placed both of his arms sa shoulders ko kasi nasa likod ko sya sa dami ng taong lumalabas sa arena. "Kung ako yung naglalaro dun, mananalo siguro kami."

I looked at him. "You play basketball?"

"Oo naman. Magaling ako no. Kung hindi ako busy sa acads nag varsity siguro ako." He bragged. Well, he was tall enough. Siguro six-footer sya? Kaya I barely pass his neck with my five-foot two frame. "Kahit nandon ka talo parin kayo. Okay loser ililibre nalang kita ng dinner kasi well, you lost." I teased. He groaned sa likod ko.

"Kaso baka gusto mong mag palit ng t-shirt?" I asked him nung palabas na kami. He looked down at his shirt that had his university's name in front. "Bakit? Madumi ba?"

"Hindi. Kasi nakakahiya dahil alam ng lahat tambak kayo e." I teased. He made a face. "Lakas mo mang trash talk wala pang second round."

"Sa second round, maroon isuot mo ha. Para di nakakahiyang na tambakan yung kasama ko." I laughed and natawa din sya. "Sino kayang mayabang no? Swerte lang kayo kanina." He pulled me towards him and inakbayan nya ko as we walked towards the mall to look for pizza and wings which was what I'm craving. Sinadya kong mag lakad ng mabagal. My heart was racing and I kept praying na hindi nya ibaba yung braso nya sa balikat ko.

"Thanks for the ticket. Paano mo nalaman na mahilig ako manood ng basketball?" I asked him as soon as tapos na kaming mag order sa Yellow Cab and umupo na kami.

"Nakita ko sa kwarto mo yung mga old tickets saka banner. I do pay attention Harper. Natawa nga ako kasi nanonood ka pala kahit talunan kayo noon." He smiled jokingly across me. Probably getting back at me sa pangtatrashtalk ko sa kanya buong game.

I made a face. "Well at least nananalo na kami ngayon. You are so bitter kasi talo kayo." I stuck my tongue out at him. He shook his head smiling at me.

"Was Architecture your first choice?" I asked him. Matagal nakong curious and I can't believe I've only asked him now.

"Yes. Katulad mo, we came from a long line of architects." I was surprised. Well kasi Harper di ka masyadong nag tatanong about him. To think na gustong-gusto ko sya.

"You like it? I mean malamang kasi you're taking your master's." I said answering my own question. "But why aren't you practicing? Sinabi mo nun na may architecture firm kayo."

"I did practice before siguro for four or five years sa firm namin. Yung lolo and nanay ko kasi sobrang galing na mga architect and nahihiya akong pumalit sa kanila sa firm kung hindi ko kayang panindigan sa kanila. Eventually I will. Baka after ng master's ko."

Wow I didn't know na may ganito palang hesitations si Xavier sa sarili nya. I've always thought he doesn't care kung anong iispin ng ibang tao and he just do what he wants. Maybe we always have that one or two persons we wish we can make proud.

"I hope you don't have the same problems with family pressure that I have." I eyed him. I'd feel bad if I keep bombarding him with my problems tapos I can't even be there for his.

"Wala namang ganon. My mom just waits for me na mag practice na ulit. Supportive din naman sya sa mga ginagawa ko. Siguro di ko palang din ma-let go yung painting and shooting photos. Or yung feeling that I'm doing something for myself and not for someone else." Kaya pala nya ko naiintindihan. Not because he has the same problems, but doing his art was the same as mine wanting to pursue what I wanted to do.

"Well pag architect ka na, I don't think you stop making art. Kasi you can still paint or shoot your photos. And buildings itself can be art---Burj Khalifa, Pantheon, Guggenheim, Chrysler, Sydney Opera House." I pointed.

He was so good at what he's doing so I don't doubt that he's a great architect as well.

"Wow, you know famous buildings." He gave me a sly smile. I can't really say na nag research talaga ako to someday insert it in one of our conversations.

"So, can I see the houses you've designed?" I smiled at him brightly. Our food finally arrived.

"Sige pero most of them I designed with my parents or lolo ko."

"Ang cool naman ng lolo mo." I said and I took a bite from my pizza. Gutom na gutom nanaman ako kahit na nag foodtrip kami kanina while watching the basketball game.

"The best yon. You should meet him someday. Pag free ka." He said and kumain na din sya.

I can't believe he said that so casually. Meet the family. Well I did make him meet my family ng hindi ko sya binibigyan ng choice. But this is different. He wasn't pretending to be my boyfriend sa pamilya nya e.

"Xavier, can I ask you something?" Okay medyo nahihiya ako but eto yung pinaka kating-kati nakong tanungin and what he'd always been evading. So kailangan ko nalang tanungin directly.

He was waiting for my question while chewing his food.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" The hesitation was so obvious in my voice.

He stopped eating and looked at me amusedly. Nacoconscious nako.

"What? It's just a question, Xavier."

Xavier sagutin mo nalang! Namamatay nako sa bitin na ginagawa nya.

"Wala akong girlfriend, Harper. You think gagawin ko to kung meron?" He still had the same amused look on his face and his eyes.

I shrugged. "Malay ko ba baka naaawa ka lang sakin or napepressure dahil di naman kita binigyan ng choice non para mag panggap."

"Harper, you're everything but 'nakakaawa'. Yeah, your family is... special, pero it takes a lot of character para mahandle yung pinagdaanan mo. And napressure mo ba ko? I don't think so. Palagi naman tayong may choice so yung pag panggap natin, it was also a choice for me. Saka I had fun. First time kong maging fake boyfriend." He smiled boyishly. Yeah mukhang nag enjoy naman talaga sya don.

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Ang sarap siguro to just take everything so chill parang si Xavier. Yung hindi ka matataranta pag ginawa kang fake boyfriend/girlfriend ng isang tao na halos hindi mo kilala.

"Ikaw ang pinaka magaling na fake boyfriend. You definitely raised the bar para sa lahat ng fake boyfriends dito."

Natawa sya. "Thanks. May practice lang."

Okay, what he said tugged at my stomach. Madami kaya syang practice?

I bit my lower lip. "Madami ka ng ex?" Nahihiya akong itanong, but I really wanted to know.

"Define madami? More than one?" He studied me.

"More than three?" I half-cringed. I had three exes in college and my early years after it so I'm measuring if he did better.

Naaliw sya sa mga tinatanong ko.

"Tatlo lang." He answered my question. Hmmm. I'm now much more curious. I was expecting na matatalo nya ko. "Mukha kang disappointed sa sagot ko?" He studied me with a smile.

"Kala ko malalamangan mo ko e." I chuckled. I hope he would start talking about them, but something tells me na hindi and whatever I'm curious about, I should ask. "So... gaano kayo katagal nung last girlfriend mo?" Tinanong ko nalang. I should relax. Masyado nakong halata na gusto ko sya.

"Five years."

Napalaki yung mata ko. "Wow ang tagal ah."

"Dapat yata maoffend ako kasi parang iniisip mo na chickboy ako at di ako nakakatagal sa mga relationships."

"Hindi ah. I'm impressed. I've never been able to keep a long-term relationship. Isa lang yung tumagal ng over a year, at three years lang yon." Mas ako pa yung nakakahiya. Kaya siguro di ako magaling na fake girlfriend. At kaya sya magaling kasi nagka long-term relationship na sya. "So tell me about her."

His look of amusement eventually left his face. "She's a model. Kylie Guerrero baka kilala mo sya?"

TANGINA. "Ex mo si Kylie Guerrero?! Seryoso ba yan??" My self-confidence dipped. The magazine I threw at him had his ex on the front cover!! And she also models internationally. I wanted to sink on the floor. Kung iniisip kong hopeless ako dati, mas lalu na ngayon.

"Yeah, nakikala ko sya nung nag padesign sya ng bahay samin pero hindi pa sya model non, nagsisimula palang."

"You have to give me more Xavier! You can't just drop a bomb na yung ex mo is someone who models around the world and expect me to just take in na nag padesign lang sya ng bahay sayo. Yun lang?" I frowned at him and natawa sya ng konti sa reaction ko.

"Ano bang gusto mong malaman?"

"I don't know. Paano naging kayo? Does he model for you? Bakit kayo naghiwalay?"

"Paano naging kami? Sinagot nya ko." He sniggered and inirapan ko sya. This guy is killing me.

"Simple lang sya dati e, so wag mong isipin na hindi sya attainable para sa normal na taong katulad ko." He scratched his chin. I'm sure kahit model na si Kylie, sasagutin parin nya si Xavier.

Shet. Bagay sila. Sobrang gwapo nya and she's a fucking model, I can imagine it in my head. I felt more miserable deep inside.

"Does she model for me? Yes, many times. Yung picture na nilike mo sa IG ko, sya yun. It was one of my photos of her." He continued answering me. Aray. Tangina Harper. I-unlike mo yun! Napansin ko din na that photo was also in his exhibit. Oh why did I ask this again? Masochista ba ko???

"Bakit kami naghiwalay? Pinagpalit nya ko sa trabaho nya." He simply answered. But I saw something in him that made him sad dahil sa sagot nya.

"Pinapili mo sya?" God, I'm so curious. Was he still sad about it?

"Yeah. Pero madami namang babae who would choose their work or career over their relationships."

Okay, natamaan ako dun. Kaya nga wala akong boyfriend, or even a life because of work. Yung trabaho ko yung relasyon ko at yung buhay ko. I was one of those girls that was like his ex.

"Naalala ko yung picture nya sa exhibit mo." I mentioned shaking my thoughts away. Parang tititigan ko lang yung picture na yon mamaya sa IG nya.

"Yeah, sabi ko dati I would always keep that photo." Shit bakit ang sakit marinig to galing sa kanya? That he has always kept the photo. "Masakit?" I silently asked. Di ko alam kung masochista na ako sa mga pinagtatatanong ko.

"Na ipagpalit? Syempre. Five years yon e. Pero inintindi ko nalang. If she chose me, hindi nya mararating kung nasan sya ngayon."

Xavier would have been so understanding para matanggap yon. It was a really selfless act. Madaming tao ang magmamakaawa na sila yung piliin.

"Are you over her already?" Tuloy-tuloy ako sa mga tanong kong ako din nasasaktan. At pwedeng mas masaktan sa isasagot nya. Pero parang alam ko naman na yung sagot dahil sa pag palit ng aura nya. "I let go of the photo diba?" Was his only answer.

We started talking about something else pero naiwan yung utak ko sa ex nya. Despite his answer, I think di pa sya over sa ex nya. She was his real muse.