Saving Harper

I ended up stalking Kylie Guerrero's Instagram while drinking wine on my couch pag dating ko sa condo. Of course, it was filled with photos during shoots, front covers for magazines, rubbing elbows with famous models and celebrities, and travel photos. Her followers are almost at 6M.

Given, she looked like she had a nose lift and cheek bone surgery, but it doesn't matter. She looks gorgeous. And would probably still look good without those operations. I can just sigh. I was trying to look for Xavier as I scrolled through her 2, 002 posts. Just when I thought she might have deleted any signs of her ex, there he is.

It was taken three years ago. Xavier's face was covered with a camera looking like he's taking her picture while she shot this photo. He was tagged and it was captioned 'You will always be my favorite photographer'. That was the only photo of Xavier in her profile so mukhang nag linis nga sya after they broke up. Just like Xavier. Except for that one picture of her.

It was sweet for the both of them kung iisipin mong they each left one photo of each other. Like they kept something of each other so they didn't really let go. Gusto kong sumuka sa lungkot kasi hindi naman ako pwedeng maging bitter. Ohmygod feeling ko nanaman I'm stuck in a fictional book. But ngayon instead na ako yung bida, ako talaga yung other girl. The sort-of-love-interest until magkita sila ulit and they realize that they're still in love with each other. Ako yung character na iniiwan for their true love.

Bangon ka nalang ulit Harper. Sanay ka naman e. Yun lang, hanggang kelan ka masasanay na ganito? Suck it up. Tutal nung Friday sabi mo naman na kahit friend mo lang si Xavier, ok lang.

But that doesn't erase the fact that I've already fallen in love with him.

Just try to get over that, Harper. I sadly said to myself. Wala naman akong choice, he was already someone else's. No, he was STILL someone else's.

Monday morning, I was still feeling the slump na akala mo nabreakan ng boyfriend. I dressed casually kasi yung meeting ko lang sa hapon was with my boss and Franco. Probably concerning a new project. I would definitely need it para madistract ako from Xavier.

Pag dating ko sa office, wala si Xavier sa area nya but his things were already there so I guess na kay Franco sya. I opened my door pero hindi ko na sinara since plan ko na kumuha ng coffee bilang naubos ko yung wine kagabi so masakit yung ulo ko. Alcoholic tita. I blame a certain model for it.

But I guess there's no need kasi may kape nako sa desk and a note on a post-it was attached to the mug.

Have a good morning, beautiful. :) Xavier

Okay paano ulit huminga? I'm so deep into this. Baka kailangan ko ng limang projects para hindi ko mapansin yung nararamdaman ko para kay Xavier. Or ten? Para di ko maalala yung model nyang ex.

Bakit ba ang galing nya sa ganito? Ako lang naman makakakita nito pero he's still doing things na nakakakilig. Like we're still keeping up the appearances na kami. Can it be true na baka hindi naman sya nagpapanggap? Pero baka sweet lang talaga sya and pointless to think something of it. So, STOP.

"Good morning, gorgeous." He greeted nung pumasok sya sa office ko with a big cute smile. Gorgeous. That was the exact word I used to describe his ex Kylie. Ugggh.

"Morning." I gave a smile. It would have been as huge as his kaso naalala ko nanaman si Kylie. Na by the way napanaginipan ko. We were both on a fashion runway and while I was walking behind her, I started to sink and she looked on and laughed hanggang sa nalunod ako and kept falling.

I'm never visiting her IG again.

"I have something for you." He gave me his usual pa-cute smile.

My eyes lit up. Yeah, I'm too deep into this kasi kahit pigilan ko, kilig na kilig ako.

"Saan?" I asked medyo overeager ako. Parang bata asking for her present.

Xavier pointed sa coffee table ko, where a box wrapped in a brown paper was sitting on top of it. Obviously, di ko yun napansin nung pag pasok ko dahil nadistract nanaman ako sa note sa tabi ng kape ko.

I stood up to retrieve it. Medyo mabigat and malaki pala di ko nabuhat so I just opened it there. My breathing hitched when I saw what was under the wrapper. It was a metal sculpture of a girl in a long dress posed as if she was dancing freely and gracefully. The sculpture was enclosed in glass.

"Ohmygod." I whispered.

I suddenly looked up to him with wide eyes. I saw a near-similar work sa ArtFair. "Is this?" Was all I can I ask him. Hindi ko matuloy.

I told him na yung pinaka favorite ko dun sa exhibit was the one from Daniel Dela Cruz. His sculptures took my breath away parang ngayon.

He nodded while smiling cheerfully sa reaction ko.

"Shut up! This was made by Daniel Dela Cruz????" I was still shocked.

"Yup, the one and only." Naka ngiti parin sya habang ako parang naiiyak na sa saya.

I jumped up from my couch and launched myself at him to hug him. "Ohmygod Xavier, I love it!! Sobrang thank you! I can't believe it!" He laughed gently and gave me a bear hug lifting me off the floor for a while kasi ang liit ko masyado for him.

He let me down and let me go. "You're welcome. Sabi ko na magugustuhan mo yan." His eyes reflected my happiness. He was equally enjoying this na parang sya yung binigyan ng regalo.

"I absolutely love it! But how? Why?" I'm still out of words. Siguradong mahal to I can feel it. Lumapit ulit ako to admire it. This is probably the most valuable gift anyone has ever given me. Kahit may mag bigay pa sakin ng bahay, it will never top this.

"Client before ng lolo ko si Daniel and nung nagpagawa sya ng bahay years ago, binigay nya yan kay Tatay."

Napanganga ako. "Tapos kinuha mo lang???" I can't accept this kung yung lolo naman nya nawalan ng magandang piece of art.

Xavier chuckled. "Binili ko yan from him, relax." It blew me away. Magkano nya kaya binili? Baka di na sya makapagaral. I think he saw my concern sa mukha ko. "Don't worry, he gave me a good deal." Kumindat sya sakin.

Di ko napansin na naluluha nako. Of course, happy tears. Lumapit sya sakin and took me in his arms again. "Happy ako na nagustuhan mo." He kissed my hair. Naiyak ako lalo.

"As for the why, I just know it will make you happy." He told me as I dried my tears.

"No one has ever given me something like this. I mean something from someone who really paid attention kung ano yung gusto ko. I'm so touched kaya I'm sorry na naiiyak ako." I said sincerely.

Yes, I've gotten gifts na gusto ko, but mostly because Liv and Jem usually ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. This was really meaningful for me. Kasi eto yung overwhelming feeling na first time kong makuha galing sa taong importante sakin.

"Harper, last time mo na mag sorry dahil naiiyak ka ha. Don't ever apologize for crying. Lalu na saakin." He squeezed my hand. Parang puputok yung puso ko from all these gestures from him.

Pwede bang mag I love you na agad? Kahit hindi mutual yung feelings namin?

Syempre hindi. Kasi it might turn awkward so hindi ko to sisirain.

"May tanong ako." He smiled as he licked his lips. Panandalian akong tumitig sa labi nya. OMG I can be really embarrassing. I averted my eyes to his face anticipating his question.

If I was being totally honest, medyo umaasa ako.

"Saan mo gustong ilagay yan?" He asked me with a smile. O diba Harper, umaasa ka palagi sa wala. But I was still happy. Kahit dumating pa yung ex nya dito, masaya pa rin ako. Ay wait. Hindi. Yun lang pala makakasira nitong nararamdaman ko.

"Sa desk ko syempre." I also smiled at him pushing my thoughts of his ex-girlfriend away. She can ruin a lot of things, but akin tong moment na to.

He happily took his gift na parang hindi sya nabigatan towards my desk as I cleared a space for it. I beamed kasi on my left side, yung flowers na bigay nya while on my right, yung sculpture naman. Paano kaya ako magtatrabaho? "Thank you, Xavier. I really, really, really love your gift. And it's my first piece of art." I said bago sya lumabas ng office ko.

"You're welcome again. I'm really pleased na you love it and it's an honor na ako yung nag bigay sayo ng una mong art piece." He gave me a final drop-dead gwapo smile and left my office.

I started to work pagkatapos kong titigan ng titigan yung bigay ni Xavier. I made a couple of calls sa production team to make sure printing is still on-schedule. I'm glad napuno non yung umaga ko and nakakabawi nako with work. Someone knocked on my door and opened it. Akala ko si Xavier. Paasa sa sarili.

"Hi ate!" Hilda cheerfully entered and closed the door behind her. She was carrying a dress bag that I predicted would be my bridesmaid's dress.

"Hilds, what are you doing here?" I asked and stood up, bumeso sya sakin.

"I'm dropping off your bridesmaid's gown." She handed me the dress bag. "It should fit you perfectly kasi konti lang yung kailangang adjustments from your last fitting."

I smiled a little. Hindi ko masabi sa kanya na parang ayaw ko ng pumunta because of what happened with Holly and my parents.

"Omg wow! Ang ganda naman nyan!" She exclaimed walking towards my desk to admire the sculpture Xavier just gave me. I set down the dress bag sa couch and sat down.

"Diba??? Xavier gave it to me." I proudly said. Well, kahit di ko sya totoong boyfriend this was something to brag about. Not everyone is gifted with a Daniel Dela Cruz sculpture. I'd like to think so. Para special naman ako.

Hilda whistled silently. "OMG this must have cost a fortune. Yung mga binibili ng mommy ni Nick for their house, super mahal." She finally walked over sa couch and umupo sa tapat ko.

"Ate, you're still going to attend my wedding diba?" She surveyed my face. She can see the reluctance on my eyes.

"I've thought about not going." Inamin ko.

"Ate you need to be there!"

"Yeah, I know." Alam kong namang ang asshole move na hindi ako pupunta sa kasal nya. Wala naman akong problema sa kanya. I looked at the dress bag beside me.

"Is it possible na palitan mo nalang ako sa entourage mo? I'm sure you have a lot of friends and magkakasya sa kanila yung gown ko." I asked her. Originally naman I know I wasn't meant to be one of her bridesmaids I'm sure she can replace me easily.

"Ate, I need my sister there." She said pleadingly.

"Your other sister will be there beside you." I chuckled.

"No. I need both my sisters." She said sadly. "I already lost you before ate Harper and I don't want to lose you again." Okay, that made me feel horrible because leaving the family meant I was also leaving her kahit wala syang ginagawa sakin. She continued. "Whatever issues you and ate Holly have, I won't get in between. This is her mess to clean up. And it was really unfair for mom and dad to take sides. You're right ate, lahat ng problems ng pamilya natin they just ignore. Alam naman nating lahat yon and I'm guilty of it din because I just stay silent. I guess you're the only person who could say it out loud to their faces. I don't understand why they are surprised of your straightforwardness. You were always the only one who can speak your mind even to them."

"Hilda, I'm sorry but I wasn't trying to be a role model para sayo. Don't ever talk to them like how I did." My shit was mine alone, ayokong gumaya sakin si Hilda.

"Ate, I don't think I've ever said this to you, but I really admire you for standing up to mom and dad. Hindi lang the last time you were in the house, pero when you followed what you wanted to be instead of what they want for you. I've always thought what if I did the same." She sighed.

"Wait, ayaw mo bang mag doctor?" I frowned. It would really be sad if na trap lang si Hilda sa ayaw nyang gawin just because she followed my parents.

"No, I love it. But I've always wondered what it would be like if I had a lot of choices. I mean we were basically raised to be doctors. Yun lang. That has always been the goal. But I don't know how to be anything else. Di ko alam if magiging magaling ba ako if I became a lawyer, an engineer, a chef, a teacher, or even a housewife. I haven't really thought about it until the time you moved out. I know papasok palang ako ng college non, but you know?" I didn't know she felt like this. Now I feel bad we drifted apart. If I had been a real sister, I would know that she was feeling this way.

"Hilds, you'd be the worst chef. I don't think nakahawak ka ever ng kutsilyo para mag luto. At pwede ka parin naman maging housewife pag kasal na kayo ni Nick." I joked. I don't want her to feel bad about the choice she made. Or rather the lack of choice we were dealt with. "You can take up cooking lessons pag housewife ka na." I encouraged her.

"Yeah I guess I can do that if I decide to be a housewife." She finally smiled. "Ate I miss you." She said genuinely.

I swallowed the lump on my throat. Ayokong umiyak. "I miss you too Hilda. I'm sorry I didn't know na ganito mangyayari because of the choices I made."

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"Ate our family is like this not because of the choices you made. It's because of the choices mom and dad made after you decided what you really want. They could have taken control of the whole situation, not by controlling you, but they could have been more supportive of what you wanted to do with your life. It was the choice that they did not make. Kung makikita lang nila where you are right now. You're very good at what you're doing and you're happy with your hot boyfriend." She smiled widely and wiggled her eyebrows.

I chuckled. If only she knew na hindi ko boyfriend si Xavier, but everything else she said was true. My thoughts and emotions have been going crazy thinking that none of my family knew and understood why I distance myself from them. Why I hate being there.

I'm touched at everything Hilda said.

"Thank you, Hilds. Everything you said really means a lot to me." I stood up to hug her. I appreciate her now more than ever.

"You'd still be my bridesmaid ha?" She beamed.

"Yes, wala nakong choice because you just melted my heart." I chuckled.

"It's not that hard, I know you're mushy somewhere there kahit na gaano ka pa ka-strong." She circled her index finger pointing to my heart. "And wala ka talagang choice because I already gave kuya Xavier his invitation and he promised me he'd be there. So pag di ka pumunta, sakanya ko ipapasuot yang gown mo." She laughed.

Oh shit. Xavier agreed to come. Kelan ba kami matatapos with all this pretending?

"Hilda baka break na kami non." I bit my lip.

She eyed me. "Are you fighting now?"

Napabuntong hininga ako. "It's just an ex thing." Dahil naalala ko, tumayo ako and I took the magazine with Kylie Guerrero on the front cover na nasa ibabaw na ng isang office cabinet and dropped it on my trashcan sa tabi ng desk ko. I mentally reminded myself na itago yung trashcan in case masilip ni Xavier.

Nag taka for a while si Hilda sa ginawa ko.

"Pshhh. Please. He's crazy about you. You both will get over this." Hilda dismissed. "Paano mo naman nalaman yon?" ;Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. "With the way he looks at you! Na parang hulog ka ng langit or something. And everyone or everything else doesn't exist." Hilda was clearly exaggerating. Xavier is just a good actor. Too good. But I silently wished it was true.

"By the way, why is he working outside your office?" She looked confused.

Yikes. What a time for her to be so observant. But I think I've always underestimated my younger sister. I always thought mahilig lang syang makichismis but she really see and understand a lot. I need to fix my attitude pag dating sa kanya and maybe I should spend more time with her. Para makabawi naman ako sa pag layo ko sakanya.

"Clingy lang sya." I answered scrunching my face a little.

"Talaga? Or baka ikaw yung clingy" Hilda teased me. I rolled my eyes. "Wag na kayo mag away ni kuya Xavier, let's all have lunch. May meeting ka ba?" She asked.

"Later pa. Wait, don't mention the ex thingy." We weren't really fighting at ako lang yung may issue sa ex nya. And I don't even have the right to obsess over his ex-girlfriend kasi I'm not even his girlfriend.

"Perfect! Let's go. I'll tell kuya Xavier. I won't mention the word 'ex' I promise." She skipped out of my room and nakita kong kinausap na nya si Xavier.

After our lunch, kung saan walang ginawa si Hilda kung hindi ikwento kay Xavier kung paano ako nung bata, na aliw na aliw nanaman si Xavier about it, Hilda said goodbye and told me she'll update me about the wedding. Well the least I could do was happily oblige. I was just glad to have my sister back.

"I called you two because I have a plan for you." Our boss paced sa harap naming dalawa ni Franco. I thought may project syang ipapagawa, pero parang hindi yon yung sasabihin nya.

"I'm not growing any younger so I'm going to groom the both of you to someday take over this company." He said and nag tinginan kami ni Franco, I just shrugged, signaling that I have no idea what's happening. "George, you're not retiring soon are you?" I asked him.

"Maybe? We'll never know. Kaya kailangan ko ng papalit saakin and kayong dalawa yung may pinaka malaking potential." George answered.

"So dalawa kaming tagapagmana mo?" Franco joked.

"Actually, isa lang ang magiging CEO. The other will be second in command."

Mas lalu akong napasimangot. "So wait, is this a competition?"

"Call it whatever you want but both of you will definitely be promoted soon. Both as Operations Director. Then I'll choose one to replace me as soon as I plan to retire." He declared.

"Dalawang Operations Director?" I asked quizzically. Weird non, I've never heard of that.

"Yes. It's a first, but you work tremendously together, so it's not going to be a problem." George said. "So I guess that's it. I'll make the announcement soon." George said ending the conversation and my quickest meeting leaving me and Franco to digest what he just said.

"Nababaliw na ba yung tatay mo?" ;Franco turned to me. "Hindi ako sure kasi gulat parin ako." I answered him.

Sa totoo lang I'm happy for another promotion, but I hate the idea of going up against Franco. I don't think I can.

"I need time to think about this. To process everything." I said. Franco just nodded kasi mukhang yun din yung kailangan nyang gawin.

I've never competed with Franco over work. Kasi magkaiba naman kami ng ginagawa he's the best in his field and I'd like to think I am in mine. And yun yung weird for me. I would prefer it kung Operations Director/s nalang kami pareho and that's it. No one moves up. But that would be selfish of me. Franco deserves it kasi he's given as much effort here as I have. If he gets to be CEO, I'm going to be happy for him. If I get it, well, being Franco's boss would definitely suck. But it was also what I wanted for the longest time.

Distracted parin ako pag balik ko sa office ko and I was trying to sort out my feelings about what our boss said.

"Harper." Xavier was suddenly sitting in front of me.

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"Ohmygod kanina ka pa dyan?" Nagulat ako and I quickly eyed the magazine with his ex's face na nandun lang sa trashcan that I stupidly forgot to hide like I planned. I hope hindi nya nakita! I averted my eyes at him after a second kasi mabilis sya sa mga ganito.

"Medyo. Maooffend na nga ako kasi may mas distracting pa pala sayo kesa sakin." He looked at me in amusement. Well di nako nagugulat sa paghihirit nya or kung napapansin man nya talaga yung effect nya sakin. Or baka effect nya talaga yon sa lahat ng babae.

I just pursed my lips not denying it. "Wag ka mag alala, ikaw parin panalo." Nakiride nalang ako kasi may mas importante akong kailangang gawin.

I reached for the trashcan slowly with my right foot while pretending to adjust my sitting position. Finally nasa gilid na sya ng table ko, kung saan di makikita ni Xavier. Sana. Nakahinga nako.

He gave a satisfying smile at what I said. "I want to tell you something."

"Ako din." I exhaled suddenly going back dun sa mga iniisip ko bago sya dumating sa harap ko. If there's someone who can make sense of this for me, baka si Xavier yon.

"Mauna ka na kasi parang mabigat yan." He said.

"George is promoting me and Franco to Operations Director. 'Directors' pala kasi dalawa kami."

"Oh wow. Wait bakit hindi ka masaya?" It wasn't a question. He was reading my face.

I exhaled again. "Kasi it's sort of a test for us. Eventually, one of us will become CEO pag nag retire si George. And I really don't want to compete with Franco." I rested my chin sa kamay ko slumping on my desk. "Gusto mo ba maging CEO?" He asked me.

"Yeah of course. I mean it's all I ever worked for, it's the end goal for me. Pero Franco also deserves it. I'd feel bad if I get it."

He was analyzing me again and placed his fingers on his lips.

"Kilala ko si Franco, Harper, and kilala mo din sya. You know na if you get the position, he'd be happy for you. Don't forget, you also deserve it. Eto na yung naging buhay mo e. I bet madami ka ng nasacrifice to get here. If may doubts ka, I think kailangan mong kausapin si Franco to find out kung anong mararamdaman nya if you get the job or kung sya man yung makakuha. Alam naman natin na magiging honest sya sayo sa opinyon nya."

Yeah, he's right.

I nodded in agreement. "So ikaw anong sasabihin mo?"

Natahimik sya ng konti, nakatitig lang sakin. Why do I have a feeling na parang bigla syang nag alangan sa sasabihin nya.

"Ummm, may date nako para pumunta sa Seattle to finish my master's." I froze. I know he's leaving pero hindi ko naman inexpect na it would be this soon. Pero di ko naman alam yung date. Baka naman next year pa diba. "When?" I wasn't able to hide my somber voice.

"Two days after ng kasal ni Hilda." What?? That's three months away!

"Gaano ka katagal don?" I was praying internally na mabilis lang sya. Mga 6 months lang sana.

"One year? Or more." Tangina.

I nodded slowly with my fake smile. Of course, I was happy for him dahil matatapos na nya finally yung master's nya, pero my life here wouldn't be the same without him.

"Mamimiss mo ba ko?" He asked playfully.

"Is that your resignation?" I frowned.

"No."

"Tatanggapin mo ba?" Ayaw. May three months pa sya e. This is really making me sad.

Natawa sya ng konti. "Answer me Harper. Mamimiss mo ba ko?" He gave me a hopeful look. Na parang may gusto syang sagot na marinig galing sakin.

"Of course." I said truthfully. I'll miss him more than I was allowed to say to him.

"Ikaw yung pinaka mamimiss ko dito." His face turned soft. Walang pag jojoke or pag bibiro.

"Saka may itatanong pala ako." He stared at me. Wala akong control, I can now hear my heart beating sa tenga ko. Ohmygod. Sabi nya mamimiss nya ko, so baka eto na yon.

"What?" I asked. Parang natuyuan pa ko ng laway.

"Gusto mo bang itapon ko yung trashcan mo?" Putangina!!! He saw what I did! And he probably saw the contents of the damn trashcan.

I just wordlessly shook my head biting my lower lip hard feeling ko dudugo na sya. Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko.

Tumayo na sya trying to hide the smile on his face probably because alam nyang nahihiya ako.

Before sya lumabas he turned to face me. "Harper, don't think about it too much." Akala ko it was about the impending promotion. "I let go of the photo."

Alam na nya why I threw away the magazine. He already knows kung anong nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Ngayon dumami nanaman yung iniisip ko. If he knows, why didn't he say anything about it? So ibig sabihin hindi mutual at alam nyang masasaktan lang nya ko? Shit. Nasasaktan na nga ako e.

The only thing he acknowledged was his ex. That I threw the magazine, and her photo that he let go. Yeah he did let it go. Pero yung feelings ba na let go na din?