Robofootball: Doublespin

“Welcome fans and please give a good cheer for your unbeaten and undefeated HARRISON HORNETS!!” The loudspeaker squawked and squealed as the announcer attempted to raise his voice and the sound on the volume slide switch simultaneously for effect. The result was more like “HAIR-SQUAWK-SON-SQUAWK-HOR-SQUAWK-NETS!” He quickly dialed it down to save the aging clarion-style outdoor speaker system. A light round of clapping mixed in with some random screaming and cheering of “Go Hornets” and “Yeah!” and a few “Woo-Hoo’s” that Homer Simpson would be proud of. Some whistles were thrown in there as well.

It was only their second game in a row, at home again, and there were no mishaps this time with the entry banner as the fired-up team rushed onto the field with all of the energy of an overworked turbine. It was a great Friday September night for football, dry and maybe even too warm as the temperature still hovered in the mid-70’s at game time. Global warming had a way of extending the fall in Michigan to more late summer-like temps.

The Lake George Spartans like Michigan State University, adopted the green and white color scheme with the ancient Spartan warrior face and helmet motif; nevertheless, they were nothing like the ancient warriors of their namesake, or much like the modern MSU counterparts either. They were a tiny Division 8 formerly Class D high school, far less population than C-teams like Harrison or Farwell. Lake George lacked enough teams in their own division to play within 50 miles, so, like Harrison, they had to play a team or two in a much more populous school system. As a result, there were a lot of normal sized kids playing for Lake George, not exclusive to the biggest, fastest, or most athletic from a sportsman and opportunistic point of view. This was great on one hand allowing most any boy the opportunity to make the team regardless of ability; nevertheless, when a team, even a high school one at that, has linemen under 6 feet tall and less than 200 pounds, they would be in big trouble against a school who had none below those measurements. It was more like the modern U.S. military teams playing a college powerhouse like USC, Michigan, Alabama, Texas, Nebraska, Notre Dame, and so forth. Once in a awhile there was a surprise, but in the long run, the military guys were just smaller and leaner and got their butts whipped.

Harrison kicked off and the line drive kick hit Lake George’s 40, then took a wicked bounce to the 35, 30, and then sideways to the 25, and rolled about to the 18 yard line. The up backs and blockers seemed confused as they were not coached to field the kick. When the intended returner finally gathered it in on its last hop, he was swarmed by no less than 5 Hornets. The returner fumbled but luckily fell back on the ball when it did not stray far. Luck was not with Lake George for after 3 straight running plays, the offensive line was overwhelmed and they faced a 4th and 12 at their own 16 yard line. The ensuing punt was nearly blocked as the Harrison linemen bull rushed straight up the middle as if they were breaking through balsa wood. One claimed to have gotten a finger on the ball as the meager punt sailed the ball barely 20 yards. The rushing lineman’s momentum carried him into the kicker and he was promptly tagged with a 15-yard penalty.

No matter, 3 more downs by Lake George did not get them any further; in fact, they lost yardage. There was an incomplete screen pass as the quarterback was nearly sacked after barely 2 seconds of throwing time before a defender was in his face. An end around run attempt was stopped for no gain, and on 3rd and 10, the quarterback was sacked after about 3 seconds from when he dropped back. The defensive end and nose guard converged on him at the same time making him the cream in the cookie. After a 28 yard punt, Jess got the ball a few yards shy of midfield.

With the average Harrison lineman outweighing the Lake George defensive counterparts by a good 50 pounds, not to mention several inches in height, it would turn out to be a rout and the easiest game of the season for Jess and his fellow Hornets. Pass or run, it didn’t matter, Jess would rack up 266 yards in the air and a personal record 4 TD passes in one game without any interceptions; and that was only playing barely 3 quarters. He would end up with a quarterback rating in the 140’s that Tom Brady or one of the Manning brothers would be proud of. Jess was not sacked, rarely hurried, and actually knocked down twice in the entire game, at least in the 3 quarters that he played. The final score would be 42-7 with Lake George scoring a late 4th quarter touchdown after Coach Bruce had thrown every 2nd and 3rd stringer in there short of the water boy and the ball wipers.

“She is not fair to outward view

As many maidens be:

Her loveliness I never knew

Until she smiled on me.”

Hartley Coleridge, Song