Refusing my Alpha mate

Clair

"Because I hate you, Clair." He said as a tear fell from his eyes, and my heart opened a gigantic hole that I didn't know if I could close. "I hate you, because I love you more than myself, and I keep subjecting myself to things I would never imagine. I love you, every bit of you, from your immense stubbornness to your determination to have made history and changed everything. I love the fact that you're the toughest fucking woman I know, but at the same time you have so much feeling and emotion that sometimes you lose control. I love the red of your hair, the blue of your eyes, and the white of your skin, I love you so much that I lack the breath to think of you in danger. I love you so much, that sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I can love a lot, Clair, but I can't love for both of us. So I need to know, when you said it was never just physical, is it because you, deep down, love me too?" He said everything, all at once, almost vomiting the words, and I felt my heart absorb them one by one, slowly, and it grew inside me, but my throat stopped, I couldn't say it, I opened my mouth, but it was as if nothing I thought of saying was enough after that. I didn't know what to respond, he said all that, so easily, while my feelings were a mixture of my thoughts, my reason, and everything I felt for him, how I made him feel and how he made me feel.

I feel.

And I couldn't define it, I couldn't speak or express myself. I was raised with my father completely closed off, just demanding of me, I was never taught to express myself, not even to think about my feelings, love was something abstract that I didn't even really understand, but I knew I felt for Arthur, while everything was going through my head and he stared at me deeply.

"I don't know why I even bothered coming here, it was more of a mistake." He said turning to leave.

"Wait, Arthur," I shouted at him, but ignoring me he continued leaving.

I ran out of my room trying to catch up to him.

"Arthur," I shouted again, without him answering, he ran through the room and opened the door to the outside, I went after him without even thinking.

But when we arrived outside, his wolf came, tearing his clothes and transforming into that huge gray wolf.

"Shit, I loved that uniform," I said sighing as I called her, and in the same second, she came, without hesitation.

When I looked down I was already on four legs, covered in red fur that shone in the afternoon sun, Arthur's wolf ran towards the forest, and I followed after him.

His gray wolf was huge and strong, but I was much faster, it didn't take long for me to catch up to him. But he didn't stop, I lightly bit his neck, and he fell rolling on the floor with me. First I managed to get on top, my paws pinning his shoulders to the ground, but his eyes were red and full of anger, he managed to turn me around, and his paws now pinned me to the ground, I needed to make him listen to me. I returned to human form and his huge paws pinned my small body to the ground.

"I love you," I said loud enough for him to hear clearly. And his wolf cocked his head to the side, confused, a gesture that was so Arthur that it almost made me smile. But I saw his expression change, and he transformed on top of me, naked Arthur pinning me to the floor would freak me out, but there, I needed to talk. "I've never heard this from anyone before you told me just now, and I confess that I've never really understood this feeling, but if I look through the confusion that is my emotions, it's loud and clear, I love you, I always did, and if I think about it now, maybe even before you revealed yourself to be my mate. I love the way you are an incredible leader, without going over anyone's head. How you impose yourself just with your tone of voice, manage to demonstrate your leadership and power and be the kindest person I know, at the same time. I love how you always know exactly what to say, exactly what the person needs to hear. I love how you teach everyone, even if you don't mean to. I love your heart and the wonderful person you are, but I love you so much that it's scary. It's scary because no one has ever shown any feelings for me, my father showed affection by demanding more and more from me, I don't even know what to do with it, and... The little they taught me about feelings was that you acted despite them, threw everything in a box, hid it, and hoped it wouldn't burst. What I'm most afraid of is becoming him, or worse, you becoming him..." I said, it was a confession, it was my brain finally aligning it all. Arthur received my last sentence with amazement and in one movement he released me and sat down. in floor.

"What do you mean, Clair?" He asked me, reaching out his hand and wiping a tear from my cheek that I didn't even realize was there.

"He loved my mother and lost her. That's how he got like this, everyone says he was as loving and affectionate as he was with her, and the loss of his mate made him turn into a hard, cold rock. I grew up wishing I would never go through this, I felt goosebumps whenever someone talked about finding a mate, I always thought I would reject mine, and everything would be easier. Me with my position, without suffering, and without letting anyone suffer." I had only thought about it all, never said it out loud, and it was strange to get that thought out of my head. "I...I, I'm afraid, afraid of throwing away my position, everything I fought for, everything I had to endure, my whole life's work, to take it on with you. Afraid of letting this feeling invade me, of really loving you, and losing everything. Or you lose me, and lose everything good you have, I would never forgive myself for that." I threw all my fears and thoughts at him, but Arthur simply received it all, without backing down, he took a deep breath and faced me.

"Are you afraid of what I might become if I lose you? Is that it?" Arthur said shaking his head.

"Also," I said looking down, unable to look at him.

"Clair, you can't stop living out of fear of things. You need to digest your feelings, but not be paralyzed in front of them." Arthur started to speak, but it was so easy to say, I felt lighter having said it to him, but I was still a mountain of confusion, one on top of the other. "We could find a way to take over together, we could solve it." He continued.

"You talking seems so easy," I said without really being able to find a solution.

"We're easy." He responded quickly and made my gaze rise to meet his.

"But my decision isn't," I replied looking him in the eyes, Arthur's green eyes narrowed.

He quickly put his hand on the back of my neck, pulled me close and our lips collided, like a plea, his soft lips enveloped me, and fuck, I missed it so much, I missed him so much. His tongue invaded my mouth, and I wanted him, I wanted him so much, I kissed him intensely for just a few seconds and he let go of me and stopped kissing, but our faces remained close, so much so that I felt his breath on my face as he spoke.

"Clair, I love you, but I'm not going to wait for you forever, I don't know how long I can live like this. Because if I accept your rejection, it's for real. Either I'm with you through everything, or we'll just be meeting colleagues, and I would avoid them if I can. We're running out of time." He said looking me in the eyes, and then he got up, walked away, and transformed, heading towards his Pack.

I screamed in frustration, I wanted to have the power to change everything and be able to be with him.

I transformed too, and ran through the forest, I had hope that with each step I took, I would align my thoughts and be able to think of a solution, and each time I felt now not only my heart, but my mind was now also leading me towards Arthur, and I needed to do something about it.

I went back to Pack's House, I wanted to take a shower, but to my surprise I found Beta Jackson at the living room table, sitting with my cup of tea in front of him, waiting for me.

"Hey Clair, do you have a minute? Veronica made your tea." He asked me as soon as he saw me enter the room door, finishing putting on a uniform that the guards handed me. And pushing the cup towards me.

I wanted to say no, but he was MY Beta now, and with him asking, I needed to talk.

He had done this a lot in the last year, always serving me a cup of bitter tea to talk to, we made a lot of decisions together. At first, it was about my future possessions and Pack issues, but after a while, it was about everything, about my life, the Moon Ball, my mate, and even some guardianship laws. He had shown himself to be a great friend, and it was as if decisions were easy to make when he suggested them, it was almost as if I agreed with everything. It had been a while since I had tea with him to talk, it was time.

"Of course Jackson, what's wrong?" I responded by pulling out one of the chairs to sit down. And taking the first sip of tea.

"The Hausen boy, he's been coming here a lot lately. You're not thinking of taking him in, are you?" He asked me, sitting down too, his brown eyes narrowing, and I couldn't believe what he was asking me that, I exhaled, leaned back in the chair, and opened my lips to respond, that yes, actually I was considering accepting Arthur. I was sure of that, but then things started to get hazy. "You're not going to throw all the work your dad and I did to make you Alpha away like that, are you?" Jackson said and his response took my breath away, I felt like I was suffocating there. "Your father won't tell you that's it, but he's afraid of you accepting this Arthur, he's afraid of you losing your position. And you would never disappoint your father, would you?"

I felt like a cornered girl, I took another sip of tea, while Jackson ran his hand through his beard nervously. In our conversations, it was as if I always knew what to answer, the answers come almost without me even needing to think, even if a few minutes ago I decided otherwise, I took a deep breath to respond.

"No."

It seemed like my thoughts kept coming and going, and every time I managed to come to a decision, I took two steps back again, it was as if I became more and more confused and more lost. And now I didn't know anything anymore.

Okay.... A lot in this chapter too. What do you think?