Reckless Faith

Jace wrapped his fingers tightly around the bottle of beer. It had been a shit day. Elle never texted back about meeting him here tonight, and he’d been so damn busy at the skywalk, he hadn’t been able to visit her at the café. And all the while, that text from the unknown number had tortured him, playing over and over in his head like a bad fucking dream.

You didn’t protect him. You’re the reason he’s dead. And I hope that knowledge plagues you for the rest of your worthless life.

Who the hell had sent it? Someone in Dean’s family? It had to be. It couldn’t be one of his teammates, and they were the only other people who knew.

He threw back his head as he downed a third of the beer in one go. He’d read that text over and over throughout the day, almost not believing it was really there. A part of him wanted to believe he’d conjured it up. Because it was exactly what every angry, ugly thought in his head had told him every damn day since his teammate’s death.

He checked the door for the hundredth time. Even though he was sure Elle wasn’t coming, there was still a bit of hope inside him. Had his kiss scared her off? He’d been so sure she felt the same way he had, but maybe that was just in his head. Maybe he wanted her so badly he’d felt something from her that hadn’t been there.

She’d told him that she loved him in high school. Loved. Past tense. He couldn’t really blame her for not loving him anymore. He’d been gone so long. Fifteen years, and over the years he’d lost contact. Even when he’d returned to town for his father’s funeral, he’d barely spoken to her. Barely spoken to anyone.

He lifted the beer again, taking another sip just as the soft booth seat beside him dipped. He looked up, hopeful it would be Elle. It wasn’t. It was Molly from the café.

She grinned. “Hey. I saw you sitting over here by yourself. Thought you could use some company.”

“I’m not in the best mood for company, Molly.” Understatement of the fucking century.

“But that’s where you’re wrong. You see, we get into these funks where we assume we’re best off on our own, but then we let someone else in, and we’re like, shit, I do feel better with company.” She leaned in close, and he could smell the vodka on her breath. “I get into funks a lot, so I would know.”

He scrubbed a hand over his face, not even sure why he was still at the bar. He’d come hoping that even though Elle hadn’t texted back, she might still show up. But it was eight thirty, and if there was anything he knew about Elle, she was always punctual.

“I’m actually heading home now.”

She shook her head. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Jace. Not until I know I’ve cheered you up.”

“That’s not gonna happen tonight.”

“How about one dance? I guarantee it’ll turn your whole night around.”

The idea of dancing with any woman who wasn’t Elle made his gut churn. “Molly. I’d like to get out of the booth now.” He was trying not to get angry—the woman had clearly had a few to drink—but fuck if it wasn’t hard when all he wanted to do was get home.

She pouted, but after a few seconds of him not wavering, she sighed. “Fine.” She eased out of the booth.

He stood, just as she took a step away and stumbled. He grabbed her and tugged her up, and she turned and grinned at him. “Sorry. I guess alcohol and heels aren’t a good combination.”

“Probably not. Good night, Molly.”

He tried to go around her, but she stepped in front of him. “Come on, one dance. I did hear correctly that you’re the fun brother, right? Plus, you’re single, I’m single…” She inched closer. “I promise you won’t hate it.”

He opened his mouth to tell her he was going home when his phone buzzed with a text. He held his breath, needing it to be Elle.

Unknown number: Nothing to say?

The air hissed through his teeth as he replied.

Jace: Who the fuck is this?

Distracted by the text, he almost didn’t feel Molly slip her hand around his neck. But then she was pulling his head down. Her lips didn’t touch his, but they came close, her breath brushing over the skin beside his mouth as she whispered, “One dance…”

He cursed as he grabbed her wrists and gently broke her hold. “No.” Stepping away, he opened his mouth to say more, but a quick motion at the door distracted him. A woman who’d already turned and was walking away, almost running out.

Elle.

Elle hurried out of her car and toward Meridian. She was late. Actually, was she? She hadn’t replied to Jace, so technically she couldn’t be late if she’d never confirmed she was coming, right?

She should have replied. The only problem was, she’d gone back and forth all night on whether she was going to come. One minute she’d typed out, “sounds great, see you then,” and the next, “sorry I’m busy.”

She hadn’t been able to send either.

Coming here tonight had ended up being a spur-of-the-moment decision. One she’d made while feeling utterly pathetic, standing alone in her living room, eating three-day-old Chinese takeout from the container.

Her aunt’s words flashed in her head as she jogged to the door of the bar.

If you risk nothing, you gain nothing.

Well, Aunt Jewel, this was her taking a risk.

She pushed inside and scanned the room, nerves tickling her spine. Why she was nervous, she wasn’t sure. Maybe because she hadn’t seen Jace all day and had no idea how to act around him after their kiss last night.

She frowned as she moved farther inside. There were people everywhere. Maybe he’d already left?

She was about to take out her phone and text him when she suddenly spotted him. His head was down, and a woman in a short, tight blue dress was blocking most of Elle’s view of Jace. She stood close…so close it looked intimate.

Were they—

She didn’t have a chance to finish her thought before the woman slipped her hand around his neck and tugged his head down for a kiss.

Elle’s heart thumped, and every insecurity, every thought of not being enough—pretty enough, outgoing enough—gushed through her system, making her want to not be here, to not exist in this moment.

His fingers wrapped around her arms, but Elle couldn’t watch any longer. She swung around and beelined for the door. Her eyes stung with the threat of tears. She blinked them away, refusing to let herself cry over this.

It shouldn’t hurt so much. She’d seen Jace kiss a hundred girls before. But after last night? God, it hurt so much that it felt like someone had punched a hole into her chest, right where her heart used to be.

She rushed toward her car, and when she heard Jace’s deep voice calling her from behind, her steps turned into a jog. She didn’t want to speak to him right now. She didn’t even want to look at him. The pain was too much, weaving itself into her veins, causing every part of her to hurt.

She’d just reached her car and was about to tug the door open when strong fingers wrapped around her arm and swung her around.

“It wasn’t what it looked like,” he rushed out.

She shook her head, feeling the threat of tears in her eyes once again. “I need to go.”

“Did you hear me? I was looking at my phone, Molly was drunk, and she pulled my head down.”

Molly…of course it was Molly.

“I can’t do this.” The words were out before she could stop them.

“Do what?”

Her heart pounded in her chest, so hard and loud, it was all she heard and felt.

Just like last night, Jace touched her chin and lifted her head until their eyes met. “Tink. Do what?”

“I waited for you to see me, Jace.” The words were barely a whisper. “I waited so long that parts of me started to ache that I didn’t even know existed. And the entire time, I had to watch you date these other women…these beautiful, perfect women who looked nothing like me. And every time you chose one of them over me, I felt a part of myself slip away. And the parts that were left started to believe the whispers in my head, that I wasn’t enough for you.”

Pain flickered across his face. “That’s not true. Elle, I—”

“Don’t. Don’t tell me you choose me now. Even if you weren’t kissing Molly, it doesn’t change anything. This isn’t just about what I saw in there. It’s about the fear that I felt just walking into that bar. The fear I’ve felt since you got back to town. Fear that I’ll spend my entire life chasing something that will never truly be mine.” Him. He would never truly be hers. “I can’t hear you say you choose me, after not choosing me for decades, because it will make me want something I can’t possibly allow myself to want.”

“Why won’t you allow yourself to want me?”

“Because you walked away from me, and you never even bothered to see if I was still here waiting for you.” But she had been. God, she’d waited so long she’d started to forget time and space. She’d waited until waiting just hurt too much.

“I walked away because I had to,” he whispered.

“But that’s the thing…you didn’t have to. People leave, but they keep in contact. You stopped. Stopped replying to my messages. Stopped calling.”

A muscle in his jaw clicked, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”

“I don’t need you to be sorry. I need you to be separate from me.” Even though the words were from her own lips, they almost killed her to say aloud.

He shook his head. “You can’t tell me all that and just expect me to walk away.”

“I will always care about you, Jace, but it needs to be from afar. Because otherwise there might not be anything left of me.”

“So what are you saying? What do you want from me?”

What did she want? She wanted to feel valued and important and secure. She wanted to walk into a bar and be sure that the man she was meeting, the man she loved, loved her back just as much.

“I want you to let me go,” she whispered, pain weaving into her words.

“I can’t do that.”

“You don’t have a choice.”