Nadir

Life happens.

So does death.

The past two days have been so surreal. There have been moments I have woken up hoping it was all a dream but only to be reminded that it is as real as the air I am breathing. Joshua and I have been crying together and that was supposed to make the pain less but it feels even worse seeing that there is nothing the both of us could have done to stop the deaths.

I can’t believe I have to remain with permanent scars on my body and yet nothing to show for it. How is it that no one ever talks about the pain of the breasts from not breast feeding the babies? How you have to deal with the heavy bleeding and the pulling pain in the womb? How your whole world just changes and yet these changes have nothing good about them.

The hospital agreed for us to bury the babies after two days because we wanted to mourn them. I wasn’t going to lose my boys and then have them incinerated or burried the same day like I didn’t carry them in my womb for close to nine months. I wanted to feel the pain. I needed to feel it. To hold a funeral for them and let out all my pain even though the scars would be forever, I had to mourn and this is exactly what I have been doing.

We are ready to go to the hospital and pick up the bodies, we are just waiting for Joshua to come back. He left this morning and went home to change but he is delaying. The ceremony is just for me, Martha, Joshua and his mother. These are the people who have seen us through this pregnancy and so we wanted them to be a part of it when we said our good byes to the babies.

‘Have you tried calling him?’ Martha asks as I look at the time on the wall clock.

I didn’t want to do it in case he wanted a moment alone at home to cry it out. He has been very supportive but I know he too needed to just feel all this on his own.

A car drives Into the yard and Martha goes to check who it is, she tells me it is Joshua’s car but a woman is driving it. She waits at the door until I hear a door open and close.

‘Good morning ma’am.’

‘Good morning. Is Nandy around?’

‘She is. Who are you?’

‘Tell her Mrs. Jacobs is here to see her.’

That is strange. There is only one Mrs. Jacobs and she doesn’t sound like that, besides Joshua’s mother wouldn’t knock and she knows Martha. I stand up and go to the door. I remember the lady too well.

‘I am sorry to come like this Nandy, but I thought I come through.’ She says.

‘Please come in.’ I say something telling me this conversation requires us to sit down.

I lead her into the living room and ask Martha to excuse us.

‘What can I do for you Sheena?’

‘I am sorry for your loss Nandy. I know the pain of losing a child.’ She says. I choose not to respond because she might have walked in my shoes before but she doesn’t know what exactly I am going through. No one does.

‘Thank you.’ I respond instead.

‘I came here because unfortunately my husband won’t make it to the burial.’

‘Your husband?’

She puts an envelop on the table. I open it and take a few minutes to look at the marriage certificate.

‘I see.’ I say putting it back in the envelop.

‘As a woman I am sorry that you had to be dragged in all this but I won’t speak for him or his family. I have carried their cross for a long time but what I can speak for is my home.’

She pauses. I feel numb.

‘Joshua has put on this charade for a long time, embarrassing not just me but our household. But it is over. He will not come back here, he will not see you again. How he cleans this mess is up to him but he knows better than coming anywhere close to you.’

She stands up and straightens her dress.

‘You knew he was cheating on you all this while with me, you met me at his house.’

I pause realizing that might not have even been his house.

‘It was never in my place. And he was going to go mute on you without saying a word and I know I don’t know half the pain you are going through but what I do know is that you are a woman like me and this might not give you closure but Joshua was never your man.’

‘I wish you well and again my condolences.’ She adds before walking out.

I thought losing the twins was painful. But this type of pain I am not sure I can handle. Everything was fine, everything was okay. We were happy and there was no time in my relationship with Joshua that he ever made me feel like the other woman. I know he loved me, he showed it in his ways and his deeds. If anything I felt like I am the one that didn’t love him enough, I thought I couldn’t measure up to how he felt for me.

Martha walks into the room and she is quiet. She sits with me on the chair and like she did two days ago she just holds me but this time around I don’t have any tears to shed. My eyes are dry, my throat is dry and my head is throbbing I feel like my veins will pop out. If you think you know pain, you haven’t walked a day in my shoes.

..

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

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