Nadir

I see the pleading look on the doctor's face. She is begging me to push as much as I can but I don’t have any strength left in me.

Last night after finally managing to get some sleep, I was woken up to a sharp pain, the type of pain that couldn’t be ignored. I woke Joshua up and told him exactly how I was feeling, after being on the phone with our doctor for a few minutes and her asking me to describe how exactly I was feeling and where the pain was coming from she asked that we drive to the hospital. We were getting here past 1 in the morning and I was immediately taken into the labour room. I don’t know how long we have been in here but no matter how much I push nothing is happening.

‘We might have to make an incision, make the pathway bigger. She is stressing and the babies will get distressed.’ She says looking at Joshua.

‘Babe I am sorry.’ I cry tears falling. I want these babies to come, I want to be able to push them into this world we are creating for them.

‘Do it.’ I say looking at her.

Joshua squeezes my hand tightly, I don’t want to look at him but from the sniffing I know that he is crying.

I let out a loud wail as I feel the blade cut me through as the doctor performs the episiotomy.

‘Doctor one of them is coming.’ The midwife says.

I don’t know where the strength comes from but I push, so hard and in just one swift motion Zion 1 comes out. The cry that fills up the room is so beautiful I just want to hold my child right now.

‘Now I need the same strength Nandy, we need to bring his brother out.’ The doctor says with a smile.

Ignoring all the pain I am feeling I start to push again, so hard and so much until the baby is finally out but there is a deafening silence in the room.

‘Why is he not crying?’

The doctor gets him and places him on a small table away from where I am. I don’t know what they are doing but I have this feeling that I have lost my child. For a few more minutes they try to bring him to life but nothing happens.

‘I am sorry.’ She says handing him to me.

I look at him, he is the spitting image of his father. He is such a handsome baby, he looks so peaceful and yet he is gone.

I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I open it again and still the same thing but my tears continue to fall like a flood gate. What could I have done to have him here with us alive? What could I have done differently so that he still has life in him? How could I be pregnant all these months and yet give birth to death? At the thought of that I break into a loud wail, its sharp and piercing and it is coming from the empty space where my babies have come from.

‘Babe they need to take him away.’ Joshua says.

I notice he is holding the other baby who is wrapped in a white blanket.

‘Just a few more minutes.’ I say tears still rolling down my eyes.

‘You are God. You are still good. Even in loss – you remain God.’ I say kissing the baby’s forehead and then handing him to the doctor.

The nurses clean and stitch me up and take me to a different room where they hand me the other twin.

‘Hello there.’ I say kissing one of his cheeks. This one is lighter in complexion and has my facial features. He smiles whilst yawning and I can’t help but smile back, it’s such a beautiful thing to watch.

The door opens and in walks Martha holding a huge teddy bear.

‘Where is my favorite nephew.’ She says a big smile on her face it warms my heart.

She reaches the bed and her smile grows even wider.

‘You are so handsome pumpkin.’

I swear that makes me laugh but tears drop.

I hand him to her and she starts rocking him it’s a beautiful thing to look, at I smile.

‘t’s good to see you like this.’ She tells me.

‘I am happy.’

‘I am sorry for your loss Nandy, I know how much you guys prepared for these babies. I am sorry.’

‘Thank you, who am I to question God?’ I say appreciative that she is acknowledging my loss. I don’t want my other baby being forgotten or not talked about just because I have another who is alive.

There is a little knock at the door so Martha hands me back the baby and goes to check who is there.

‘Ems is here.’

‘Let him in.’ I say.

He walks in and I can’t stop myself from laughing and tears start falling all over again.

‘Where is baby pumpkin?’ he asks. He is holding a real pumpkin. I find this extremely silly and funny at the same time.

‘You came with a pumpkin?’

‘I had to prove a point.’

‘You are my soul mate.’ Martha says.

‘I know.’ He says pulling her into a side hug and kissing her forehead.

‘Not in front of the baby.’ I say kissing Zion but I notice that his forehead is cold. Just then the doctor walks in.

‘How is mummy doing?’ she asks with a gentle smile.

‘He is cold.’ I say.

She comes over and gets him from me, she feels his temperature with her hand then demands that everyone leaves the room.

‘What is wrong with my child?’

She doesn’t respond, she checks him for a few more minutes.

‘Nandy I am sorry.’

I shake my head. Tears vigorously falling.

‘I am really sorry.’ She says handing him to me.

‘He is just resting.’ I say holding him close.

‘He will wake up.’ I say again.

‘I will leave you alone.’

‘You won’t do this to me.’ I say to know one in particular.

‘You can’t do this to me. Lord I have been faithful, I haven’t done anything wrong to you. You know my heart is good and my intentions are pure. You won’t let me carry a pregnancy for nine months and come to shame me. You won’t make me give birth to death, you won’t mock me by giving me a few minutes with my child and then taking him away. If you want to show off and show who is God then you have won, but you are unjust and you are unfair, your ways are hard and your path is not clear. You might as well just take me away too because what is this?’

‘What is this?’

The door opens and Martha walks in. She comes to sit next to me and wraps us in her hands and cries with me. I let myself go.

‘Let it out.’ She says and that pushes me to cry even harder.

..

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

🙇🏾‍♀️