SWNOVELS Chapter 47
CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN – DIETARY LAWS
Over the next few days, Jasmine quickly discovered just how difficult adhering to Gary’s draconian dietary rules really was.
Every trip to the grocery saw her glumly pushing her cart past entire aisles of prohibited foods, leaving her to scavenge through the paltry offerings of the sad, woefully tiny “health” section in desperation.
Even worse, it seemed every single restaurant or food truck’s menu may as well have been written in Sanskrit for how few items Gary permitted in his regime of psychotically pure dietary restriction. And when she finally did cave to temptation after a late night of work
on a new painting at her rented art studio, smuggling in some greasy tacos or a burger for a clandestine cheat meal, it never failed…
“A–HA!!”
Gary came scurrying out of nowhere like a rabid Gollum, snatching the bag of take–out right out of Jasmine’s hands as she tried to tiptoe past his room towards the kitchen. He sniffed at the contents disdainfully, that perpetual look of judgmental disgust contorting his pinched features.
“I knew I smelled something utterly putrid and unnatural polluting my domain! What is this…this garbage even supposed to be?” He rifled through the bag, plucking out one of the burgers and seeming to appraise it with the intensity of an anthropologist examining a foreign artifact
“Uhh, it’s called food?” Jasmine deadpanned, resisting the urge to snatch it back from her lunatic of a roommate. “You know, that thing most normal people consume to stay alive and all? Not that you’d know anything about normal…”
Gary’s eyes flashed dangerously at her mocking tone, those thick glasses seeming to magnify his withering glare. “I’ll thank you not to lecture me about what’s normal or proper to ingest when you’re attempting to sodomize your own body with processed poison!”
Jasmine’s mouth dropped open, equal parts stunned and stifling a bark of incredulous laughter. “Did you did you seriously just accuse me of sodomizing myself with a burger?? That’s a new one, gotta hand it to ya Garybear.”
“Mock all you wish, but mark my words — subjecting your internal ecosystem to an onslaught of those toxin–riddled meat and chemical–laden bread and grease concoctions is tantamount to abuse!”
Gary jabbed an accusatory finger towards her, his voice rising higher in mounting indignation.
He punctuated his tirade by flinging the offending burger to the floor, where it landed with a sad little splat. “There! Maybe now you can commune with the sacred effluvium in a way your body and bowels understand.”
Jasmine stared at him, utterly agog for one long, tense moment. Gary met her bemused look with a defiant jut of his chin, face flushed and chest heaving slightly.
Then, almost as one, they both seemed to register the fresh wave of uninvited madness to have crested over their little apartment…and promptly devolved into breathless, snorting peals of raucous laughter.
“Oh my god…” Jasmine gasped between guffaws, one hand clutching her shuddering abdomen. “You’re certifiable, y’know that?”
Gary simply waggled a scolding finger at her, though his own mouth twitched with barely restrained mirth. “No no, I’M not the one who requires a psych evaluation after such an appalling display! Honestly, accosting an innocent burger in such an uncouth manner…”
H
“Uncouth??” Jasmine almed a swat at him, which he dodged with a gleeful cackle. “I’ll show you uncouth, ya crazy old coot!”
And just like that, the tension in their tiny living quarters melted away, cleared by the surprising catalyst of genuine, full–body laughter.
Jasmine couldn’t remember the last time she’d allowed herself to get so deliciously unhinged, to release the pent–up anxieties and worries that weighed on her in these terribly uncertain times.
“Hey Jasmine, come here a sec – I want you to meet someone very dear to me!”
Jasmine grimaced at the sound of Gary’s nasally voice calling out from the living room. Dear god, what fresh insanity did her certifiably bonkers roommate have in store for her today?
Steeling herself, she padded out from the kitchen to find Gary perched on the sofa, an expectant grin splitting his thin face. His bony hands were cupped together, cradling something that appeared to be…. moving.
“What is it this time?” she asked warily. “Please don’t tell me you’ve adopted a baby raccoon or something to be your ‘spirit animal“.”
Gary made a rude clicking sound of disapproval with his tongue. “Don’t be daft, of course not! I simply want you to say hello to my beloved companion…”
With a flourish of his hands, he revealed what appeared to be a…no, it couldn’t be. Jasmine felt her blood turn to ice in her veins as the massive, hairy form of an enormous tarantula came into view.
“Meet Boris!” Gary exclaimed proudly, his grin stretching even wider as the grotesque arachnid shifted in his palms. “Isn’t he just a magnificently Juzzy little angel?”
“АААААААНННННННННН!!!”
Jasmine’s ear–splitting shriek made Gary wince, nearly dropping Boris in his surprise. She shot backwards, gasping in revulsion as every hair on her body seemed to stand on end.
“Get that…that THING away from me!” she managed to choke out between frantic gulps of air. Her heart felt like a jackhammer in her chest, terror shuicing through her veins as she stared at the horrifically massive spider shifting about in her roommate’s cupped hands.
Gary seemed utterly nonplussed by her visceral reaction, his brow furrowing in disapproval. “Well really now, is that any way to greet an old friend? Boris has been my loyal companion for years!”
“I don’t care if he’s the reincarnated soul of freakin‘ Gandhi, that thing is NOT staying in this apartment!” Jasmine shuddered violently, taking another retreating step back. She felt light–headed from the surge of adrenaline and deep–seated phobia clouding her senses.
“But of course he is!” Gary huffed, drawing the spider a little closer to his narrow chest in a bizarrely nurturing way. “Why, Boris has always enjoyed the run of our little home here. Such a clever, inquisitive little guy…”
Jasmine’s jaw dropped in stunned incredulity. “You…you just let that MONSTER wander around wherever it pleases?? Oh hell no, nope – not on my watch, buster
“Really Jasmine, I expected much better from you!” Gary sniffed with obvious disdain, those thick lenses seeming to magnify his reproachful look.
“Boris is a highly domesticated breed of avicularia avicularia, and wouldn’t harm a fly…unless said fly brazenly wandered into the inner sanctum of his terrarium, that is.”
“Do I look like I care what freakish species of demon spawn it is?” Jasmine shot back hotly, rubbing her clammy palms over her jeans in a futile effort to calm herself. “That thing gives me the utter creeps, end
of story! Either you lock it up in your creepy little lair over there…”
She jabbed a shaking finger towards Gary’s bedroom. “Or so help me, I will start figuring out the maximum legal weight for a scandium composite baseball bat!”