Let the Darkness In

I didn’t attempt to stem the tears as they fell. The roar of my heart and my head was leaving a throbbing headache. Ainsesilver took one look at me as I stormed in, and promptly tucked me in bed, with a tisane and a slab of fresh cake. I couldn’t touch the food but I sipped at the tisane. It did the trick.

At some point I fell into a dreamless sleep and woke when it was dark. I gasped, fearing it was past the hour I was supposed to be going. But as I turned, I saw the familiar shape of Ainesilver sat by the fire in its orange glow. I gazed at her in the small moment I had before she realized I was awake. Her face, so pure and young, had a wisdom to it, borne of sadness. She was like me in so many ways; she had lost someone to magic, she had fought for it and now she was condemned to live alone. She had taken me in when I had nowhere else to go, taught me, cared for me and was now my friend.

I must have made a noise as she turned.

“You’re awake, come and sit by the fire.”

As I came to sit by her, the air crackled. Not with tension, but with something else, an unspoken understanding.

“I’m leaving -”

“-soon, I know.” Ainesilver turned to me with the eyes of decades. “You’ve itchy feet. I can see the forest and the land calls you. You came here to learn and I’ve taught you all I know. Take some things for the journey.”

My insides were shrivelling like paper thrown on the fire. I felt I was betraying her but at the same time, I was doing it for her. Deja vu swirled before me. This wasn’t the first time I had done this to a friend.

“Goodnight Siofra and goodbye.” Ainesilver stood up and I with her. We embraced and I breathed in her familiar strong sweetness of perfume and herbs. Then I was alone, staring into her flames and wishing I was heading home.

As the hour grew later and the night grew colder, the time drew near. I filled my satchel with some bread and cheese and a small skin of the nasty wine she bought. Taking a thick cloak, I wrapped it around me. Looking at the small cottage for the last time, I wished I had something of myself to leave. But like I said to Jarrett, I had nothing to give.

When I closed the door for the last time, I felt like I was ending a chapter of my life. Whether I would ever see Ainesilver again, I wasn’t sure, but I hoped in my heart I did.

As I walked up to the gate and through my normal hatch, my legs nearly crumbled. Once I stepped out of this city, I wasn’t coming back. He could be the other side of the gate, and I fervently prayed he was, but he was a prince, so he wouldn’t be as eager as any other man to abandon everything.

I stepped through and bit my lip to stop me from squealing. In the darkness, a hooded man hugged the shadow of the walls, stroking a sleek palfrey. I crept up behind him and slipped my arms around him, resting my cheek against his warm and solid back, feeling his chest rise and fall. For a moment, I forgot everything else, why he was here, what I was doing.

Then he stirred so that he was facing me. He cradled my head against his chest and our hearts beat as one.

And in that moment, I decided. We weren’t going to ride to darkness. Neither of us would be dead by sunrise the next day. Looking into his face and feeling his warm breath, remembering that night we had spent together, and now seeing how he gave up a kingdom and a comfortable life…

He swung me up onto the horse who neighed in greeting, and he swung up beside me. I leaned against his solid torso. He bent his head forward and whispered into my hair, “Where to now?”

Anywhere but South. “North.”

We would get as far away from the kingdom as we could, as far away from my old life as we could. Jarrett kicked the reigns and our friend lurched into motion.

It was nearly the day when I first felt the tug. It was a pull around my neck. My hand touched it, feeling for the rope but then there was none. We had come into an unfamiliar forest. It smelt different, felt more worn down with human activity, but it welcomed me nonetheless. Perhaps we had ridden under a loose vine or branch.

I ignored the sensation, thinking it would go away, but the feeling intensified. A slow chill crept through my blood. Leaves started to whisper in agitation as if a wind stirred them and now, even the horse was getting skittish.

“Ride,” I said to Jarrett. “Ride!”

It hadn’t taken me long to figure out what we were running from. The deeper I went into the forest, the greater the chance I had of protecting us both. I could feel her now, a black shadow flying from the fortress, hunting us down. She was screaming into the wind.

“Siofra!”

I dug my heels into the palfrey but now the horse was tiring. It wouldn’t bear us much longer. I yanked on the reigns, slid off, and hauled Jarrett on top of me. He fell down but instantly started a stumbling run as I hauled with all my strength. He was trying to say something but his pace was too intense for his lungs and his weakened body.

Finally, I knew like the horse, our bodies would betray us. We had to face her. I stopped and turned to Jarrett, grasping his shoulders.

“Whatever happens next, you have to trust me. It will still be me.”

Jarrett looked like I had hit him in the face with a shovel.

There was no way I could hide this from him.

I pushed him behind me, but he already had his hand on his sword. Man’s metal was no use for what was coming our way.

My lips were dry, my heartbeat frantic but I stood my ground.

The trees seemed to bend before me, pushed aside by a huge, dark shadow. Then the mist came together and I was staring at a familiar face. It was as patchy as ever, perhaps even more so as were furthest we had ever been from the castle.

“Give him to me,” she hissed, extending an arm. I pushed Jarrett even further behind me.

“No.”

“You know what will happen if you don’t Siofra.”

“I know what will happen if I do.”

“Siofra,” Jarrett’s voice came from behind. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. “Who is this?”

I closed my eyes.

“Oh did she not tell you? She and I are kin, of the older days. We have what your father hates and which I think you do too. I just need you to come with me and then your lover here will be safe from persecution. Come,” the shadow extended a filmy hand.

“You’re lying. Tell me you’re lying Siofra.” I still couldn’t turn.

“She came to bring you to me, didn’t you? Now just hand him over and you’ll be on your way.”

“I am not an animal,” Jarrett snarled. Then turning to me, he shook me. I looked everywhere but his eyes. “Siofra, tell me the truth.”

And I made the mistake of looking up. Tears fell down my cheeks. “Some of what she says is true. I did come here to fulfil a blood pact, but things changed.” His face told me he was plummeting through time, back to the first moment we met. “ Things changed,” I repeated, my voice close to breaking. He backed off.

“All this time, you’ve been lying to me.” He was numb.

“No, no, I’ve fallen in love with you, that’s why I didn’t take you to the fortress. That’s why I took you the opposite way!” I was screaming now, trying to take his hands. He was having none of it and took a step away. His face was that of his father’s the night he had watched Madb burn.

I turned back to Madb, knowing she could see the crushing blackness within. A smug smile sat on her lips and seeing it, the thunder came. It surged within me with a breathtaking force. Around me, the trees heard and began to shiver in anticipation.

Moving my head to the left, I saw Jarrett staring at me, poised between flight or fight. I can’t protect you if you run.

“He will not be yours Madb. Take me…” I paused. What I was about to do was a huge gamble. “I am carrying his child.”

Jarrett made a choking noise whilst Madb laughed. “Oh that’s original,” she scoffed.

I put my hands to my flat stomach and willed the child to be there, growing from nothing, waiting. And I did start to believe. I felt life. I heard life and the forest was the most alive thing of all. I had seen trees grow into power from tiny saplings. There was a tiny sapling inside me.

“I can feel it. And you can have me and it if you let him go,” I spat, the tears in my eyes casting the world into watery prisms. And Madb’s face fell.

The air turned static in a heartbeat.

My hands dug deep in the very soul of the forest. I was calling on it now to protect me as it had done all my life. I was facing a goddess but I had something she didn’t. I had the man I loved standing beside me and I would protect him at all costs.

Madb struck first, a bolt of power that hit me in the chest, knocking the wind from my lungs. I staggered back but breathing heavily, stumbled upright. My turn. Narrowing my eyes, I called a vine. It snaked out of the undergrowth and latched itself around the space were Madb’s neck was. There was a satisfying gurgle as I used my fist to pull it tighter. My knuckles were cracking until flames burst from the vine and it disintegrated.

Another bolt shot from my rival, slamming into my shoulder. A fireball exploded and intense searing shot through my arm. I cried out, but as I did so, pulled on all the roots. They answered in a moment, crawling in from all directions, and curling around the pillar of smoke. She darted and avoided me like water running through my fingers. I cursed in frustration, focusing hard and trying to anticipate her next move.

Then I heard a grunt and the slick swish of a sword being drawn. Jarrett was being dragged towards the shadow. Taking one hand out of play, I called more roots but the pressure of commanding two separate orders was taking its toll. My hands were shaking and my head pounding, sweat dripping down the small of my back. The roots wrapped around and in front of Jarrett anchoring him. It creaked as Jarrett’s weight pressed against them.

I heard a hiss as Madb gave up on him, for now. In that split second of distraction, I tugged at the roots around her. They crashed down, layer upon layer, imprisoning her in a lattice of young, healthy wood. She fought hard, the wood was struggling to keep her down. I pushed. I groaned. I felt a vessel in my nose pop and felt the warm drip of blood on my lips. My eyes watered and I was struggling to breathe.

There was a loud explosion and the wood shattered. I ducked, shielding my eyes from the splinters. And just as I had seized the moment, she now turned the tables. A clamping hand came down on my neck although she stood a few paces away. My feet slowly left the earth until I was dangling, suspended.

My windpipes were shutting down, and my lungs pumping furiously to get some air into them. I couldn’t swallow, an obstruction blocking the way. Blood was rushing to my head and the heat was intense.

Madb slowly glided forward, beady eyes glinting. “He is mine.”

The pressure increased and I was choking. Bright spots danced before my vision, a border of darkness creeping in. A calm descended. There was nothing left here. I wanted to shut my heavy eyelids and just let sleep take over.

And in that moment, I heard the forest awake. Around me, the ground tremored and the leaves once more whispered in a plane beyond the one I was slipping into. Yet this was not the peak of anticipation. It was neither obeying my command nor watching. It was stirring to fight.

I wasn’t aware of falling, only slamming down onto the ground and a wave of nausea spiralling from my leg up. And then the darkness gave way to another darkness, but this one green with dots of light. Perhaps I was entering a new realm. But something gently pushed against my face, damp. My hands groped for a body and my fingers clasped a warm, soft covering. Slowly, I opened one eye and saw the face of the fox I had saved on the hunt.

I shakily sat up, finding myself in a cocoon, like the one I had made before. Around me, the ground was trembling and shaking. The twigs before me parted and I saw the chaos before me unfurling in disbelief. Every single part of the forest was converging in the figure of the Madb. Her swirling mist was permeated by flashes and bangs of colour. All around her was a swarm of forest creatures; the fauns, the nymphs, the stags and the gnomes. Slamming, butting, grunting, they were swamping her.

The noise was confusing and sickening, squeals of pain from the forest, yells from Madb and the roar of a thousand years of nature. There was one final cacophony and then silence. My cocoon parted and I saw the animals and beings all line up to face me. And together they bowed. Just as swiftly as they had come, they vanished. The space where Madb had been was empty.

She had gone but I knew she would be back.

Next, Jarrett. I felt woozy, and weak, my eyes prickling with fatigue. The roots around him slid away as with my last strength, I ordered them gone. For a moment, I thought Jarrett had given up. His eyes were closed and his face as white as chalk. He slumped and I ran to catch him, both of us sinking down.

His chest rose and fell and I laughed.

Then his eyes opened and he realised where he was. Groaning, he shook me off and stood on his feet. The look in his eyes was glazed and far away. He was looking right at me but he had no idea who I was.

“I’m going back,” he croaked and my heart began to bleed.

“You can’t,” I whispered. Each step closer I took to him, another step he took away.

“Who are you? What love spell did you put on me?”

I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, my hands made clumsy, grasping movements. Ignoring the sobbing, gasping wreck I was, he started to limp away.

“Wait!” I roared after him, struggling to keep close. After a burst of furious speed, I managed to catch him by the sleeve. “If you go back, she will find another to kill you.”

He stared at me with cold, dead eyes. He had built the stone walls up and I could not smash them down.

“At least let me stay with you till the forest’s edge?”

I saw him through my eyes, a snivelling, blood-stained, torn wreck. I was no longer the flirtatious, mysterious girl. I was the woman who had lied and deceived him.

He shrugged, and carried on walking. A fresh bout of tears pricked my eyes. Even if he no longer wanted me, I could not leave him. In his own castle, at least he had more of a chance. I limped behind, my stomach bruised, my arm hot and throbbing, my heart dragging behind me on the forest floor.

We walked for a few hours, everything I had worked on unravelling swiftly but finally, we both could not carry on. With minimal communication, we built a fire and lay down before it, miles apart. I stared at his sleeping face, wishing I had never got so deep, wishing that curiosity had not got the better of me that day I went to the village. Sleep, the chill of a winter night and the pain finally overcame me.

We carried on and we both seemed to be walking like plague victims. There was nothing, no spark, just a toxic cloud that hung over us. Jarrett always made sure he was far ahead, as if my presence was infectious.

We stumbled on, the way back taking us a lot longer; horseless, passionless, empty.

And finally, we came to a road. Its mud was flat-packed and fresh marks heralded we were close to civilization. Even though I was numb, I felt another part of me crumble away. We walked straight onto it and I knew Jarrett was waiting for someone to come by and sweep him up. There was no way I could follow if that happened.

And then we heard hoofbeats. Lots of them.