SWNOVELS HUGE X4: Chapter 18
Callum and Liam are here.
My heart skips like I’ve been running and my palms feel sweaty because I’m sitting in Liam’s room on his bed that I slept in and still haven’t made. I look like I’ve made myself at home and they had no say in the situation at all.
I don’t know how I’m going to face them after ignoring them through the hotel room door and skipping town without saying goodbye. They’re gonna be mad at me and I don’t blame them at all. I’m mad at myself for being cowardly and inconsiderate. I allowed my distress about the way mom treated me to alter the way I treated the twins, and that wasn’t good.
I hear them close the front door and pause. Then someone calls my name.
I can’t stay hiding in the room forever. I have to face the music, however much I cringe at the thought.
Footsteps echo on the hardwood floor as I dither over what to do. When I finally find the impetus to stand, I take a quick look in the mirror and smooth my hair. I don’t make it any further before they’re there, looming large in the doorway.
Two gorgeously tanned, gray-eyed gods wearing the most serious expressions I have ever seen grace their faces. No one says a word but there is so much communicated anyway. I feel a pull between us; a tug that says ‘I want to be close to you’. The empty space around me feels emptier now that they’re near, as though my body expects for it to be filled. Their eyes are fierce, their posture tense, but it doesn’t feel like they’re mad at me.
I hope they’re not mad at me.
Liam is the first to move, stalking into the room until he’s close enough to cup my face in his hands and kiss me. It’s a desperate kiss, mirroring exactly how I feel now that they’re here. Callum’s there too, taking his place behind me, mouth pressed to the top of my head and hands on my hips.
I can’t stop myself from reciprocating Liam’s kiss or bringing my hand to take hold of one of Callum’s. These men feel right where everything else in my life has felt wrong. It shouldn’t be the case that they fit with me as they do, but standing pressed between them I feel so safe. Safer than I’ve ever felt in my life.
I didn’t realize just how vulnerable I felt until now. When my dad left he took a big piece of my security with him. I thought that Brad was what I needed because he was strong-willed and dominant, but he didn’t want to protect me. His aim was control.
Here in Liam and Callum’s arms, I can feel the difference. The passionate need but also desperation to shield me from anything bad.
I tremble because in recognizing this I feel my own vulnerability.
In such a short time these men have taken my battered heart and enclosed it in their big hands. I should be scared. When Kerry told me that I need to start to live again, I was terrified. The idea that I may have to risk my heart again was too much, but here I am and I have no fear that they’ll hurt me. Is it odd that I trust them this way?
The only fear I feel is that this won’t be a forever space for me. I know the judgment my friends faced when they were open about their polyamorous relationships. Carrie battled with herself for so long before she gave into her stepbrothers. Katelin was fiercer about what she wanted but she had to wait a little for Bryan to fight for her. For all their happiness, they’ve faced prejudice after prejudice, and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to face it, particularly from my mom. Knowing that Frank was so disapproving distresses me too.
I feel like crying in relief and in dismay. What the hell am I going to do?
Liam pulls back, still holding my face so I can’t look away. “You left without saying goodbye.” I try to turn but he holds fast. “I wanted to ask if it meant so little to you, but that’s stupid because I know that you feel the same, Bethany. I can feel you shaking, Bethany.”
Callum strokes my hair and kisses my neck. “When you left we wanted to follow but it didn’t seem right to put pressure on you. Then we spoke to Matty and Ryan and we knew we had to come back, regardless of whether you wanted us or not.”
There’s a hoarseness to his voice that I’ve never heard before and I turn, finding his face pained. I can’t bear to think that he might be hurting because of me. I have to explain so that he understands. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you, Callum. Never that. It was because I couldn’t see how it was going to ever be what I was starting to want it to be.”
“And what’s that?” Liam asks.
I turn to face him. “More than a vacation fling,” I say nervously, biting my lip. This is a dangerous path of conversation but I need them to understand everything.
“You don’t think that we wanted that too?” Callum says fiercely.
“I didn’t know, but that’s not the point. It’s never going to be anything because there are two of you and one of me, and we are going to be stepsiblings. It just can’t be, okay.”
“Why?” Liam asks. “Because your mom wouldn’t like it?”
“And your dad,” I say.
“Because they cared so much about our opinions on their relationship!” Callum says. “They got engaged before they told us they were dating for fuck sake.”
“And the rest of the world,” I say.
“The rest of the world has had some firm opinions on many non-standard relationships in the past, but people have just gotten on with their lives, Bethany. We get to choose how we want to live, don’t we?”
“And suffer the consequences,” I say.
The twins pause, and I take a step from between them. I need some space to discuss this, so I perch on the end of the bed and look down at my hands.
“I guess you’re saying that you’re not okay with the consequences,” Callum says. He sounds disappointed. Defeated. I look up and find two sets of gorgeous gray eyes fixed on me. They both look so sad and I can’t bear it. “And you can?” I ask.
“We always wanted this,” Liam says. He drops to one knee and takes my hand. “Ever since we were teenagers we knew that settling down with separate women just wouldn’t work for us. We want to spend our lives together. We want our woman to unite us, not divide us.”
“And what about your brothers?” I ask.
“We never thought to hope that far,” Callum says softly. “It’s always been a long shot that we’d find someone that we want and who’d be willing to live the way we want. To find someone who would accept our brothers too…”
I nod but I don’t know what to say.
Fantasy is one thing. A holiday fling that steps totally outside of the bounds of normal relationships was a step far enough for me, but here I am with feelings for all of these brothers. Strong feelings for Liam and Callum, maybe because of the intimacy that we shared and the extra time in each other’s company. Just the beginnings of attachment with Ryan and Matty.
They are all so different, but they share common traits of consideration, kindness and protectiveness that I crave so much. Liam and Callum never hoped that they’d find someone who’d accept them all, but if there were no outside concerns, maybe I could. Would I be enough woman for all of them? That’s a whole other issue. There are so many questions I want to ask, just to know the answers, but asking them will get their hopes up and I don’t think that’s fair. The silence feels uncomfortable so I change the subject.
“They’ve gone to try and sort out the problem,” I say, then look to the floor embarrassed.
“We know,” Liam says. “Why are you looking like it’s your fault, Bethany?”
“Because it is,” I say quietly.
“Why? Because you have an ex-boyfriend who is bordering on the pathological?” Callum sounds angry.
“I knew he was angry with me.” I pull away from Liam and rest my head in my hands.
“For leaving him?” Liam asks.
I nod. “He wants control over me and now he doesn’t have it, he wants to find a way to take it back. He thinks he can use the photos to scare me. While he has them, he can get me to do whatever he wants.”
Callum shakes his head. “He doesn’t have any power over you that you aren’t prepared to give him, baby.”
“Callum’s right, Bethany. This asshole thinks he can hurt you or hurt us and that you are going to beg him not to. Fuck that.”
“What are Ryan and Matty going to do?” I ask.
“We’re in the security business. Half our time is spent researching the background of our clients and their contacts. You think that we can’t find enough dirt on your ex to make him shit his pants? And if the snake turns out to be clean, then we’ll all pay him a visit and let him know who he’s dealing with.”
“I don’t want any of you to get hurt or get in trouble,” I say.
“You don’t need to worry about any of this, okay.”
Callum nods at his brother. “Your ex is nothing, Bethany. A blip on our radar. Seriously, don’t stress.” He kneels in front of me too and I can’t stop myself from reaching out to touch them. Their faces are warm in my palms, their chin scruff scratchy. Both of them close their eyes at my tender touch and my heart feels like it will burst open. I know this isn’t love. It can’t be. Love takes time and effort. Love takes work. Love doesn’t feel as natural as this.
Or maybe it does.
Maybe when you find what you really need in a person and those traits that make you feel validated and safe, then maybe love can swell out of your heart this way. Seconds tick past and I have no idea what to say because my heart is swollen with what feels like love, but torn with the worry about what this relationship will mean.
Then a phone rings and the moment is gone.
Liam pulls his cell from his jeans and answers. “Ryan.”
I hear Ryan’s voice at the other end but I can’t make out the conversation. Callum is watching his brother intently, obviously trying to figure out what’s going on too. “Yeah. We’ll come right down.”
Callum is on his feet in a second and so am I. I don’t like the sound of this at all.
“What’s going on? What did he say?” I ask resting my hand on Liam’s forearm.
“They’ve got what they need. Now we go and tell Brad to back the fuck off. He’s never going to come near you again, do you understand, Bethany. If he does, he’s going down for a very long time.”
“Please,” I say. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“We’re licensed to carry, Bethany. Believe me, it’s going to be your ex that gets the shock of his life, not us.” Callum smirks and I can see that he’s enjoying himself. There’s no sign of concern on either of their faces and I realize that it’s just me who’s worried.
“Shall I come with you?” I ask.
“Hell no,” Liam says. He steps forward to kiss my mouth as though it’s perfectly natural, even after all the conversation we’ve had. Callum does the same, and it does feel natural. It feels like the best thing ever.
“We’ve gotta go,” Liam says. “The twins are waiting, but we’ll be back soon. Then we can sort everything out, okay?”
I nod. He makes it sounds so simple and I can see why that is. These men are so capable in their daily lives. They see problems and they solve them, and they don’t worry too much about the consequences. I wish I could be more like them.
I follow them to the front door, watching as Callum grabs a big black bag from the table. “Be careful,” I tell them as they’re leaving and they turn and smile as though they love that I’m fussing over them.
I follow to the front door, watching as Callum grabs a big black bag from the table. “Be careful,” I tell them as they’re leaving and they turn and smile as though they love that I’m fussing over them.
I watch as they walk away and it feels like a part of me is going with them. I know I’m not going to be able to do a thing until they are safely home.