Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Omg, Nick was sooooooo surprised when I walked in. But that was nothing compared to his surprise when I said, “Niiiiiick!” and jumped into his arms.

My plan had been just too perfect. After Desi made the recording, I let him give me a massage (ew). During the massage I was a total tease. I’d let him get just to the point where my butt began, and then would suddenly be all like, “Hey! What are you doing?” And I kept putting his hands near my boobs and saying, “I have a knot right there,” but then wouldn’t let him actually touch the boobs. And like the good friend zone guy he is, he kept torturing himself and giving me the massage.

Finally, when I couldn’t take it any longer, I said I was all massaged out, at which point Desi predictably went into his room to masturbate away the bluest of all blue balls. It was my window of opportunity. I grabbed the video, hopped on my Segway, and before you could say “Can you pass the Vaseline and kleenex?” I was out of there.

Now all I had to do was show the police the video where Desi confessed to kidnapping me, and everything would be forgiven.

But as I said, my plan was too perfect.