Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

I was so stunned by what was happening that for a moment, I just let Amy hug me and stood there paralyzed. Amy took advantage of my momentary paralysis and briefly opened the shades to let the gaggle of reporters outside take pictures of us hugging.

When I finally I came to my senses, I pried her off me.

“What the fuck?” I said. “You frame me for murder and disappear, and now you just show up and think we’re all good?”

“Niiiick, I didn’t frame you for murder and disappear,” she said. “I was kidnapped by Desi!” She held up a thumb drive. “And I have his video confession to prove it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that video is totally legit,” I said.

She snuggled up to me. “Did you find the Beats headphones I left for you at the end of the treasure hunt?”

“Please. If that treasure hunt was real, why was every clue hidden in a place where I’d had sex with Andie?”

“Nick, is there any place you didn’t have sex with Andie?”

She had a point. Shit, maybe there were Beats headphones. I knew I should’ve checked the shed more thoroughly.

Amy started unbuttoning my shirt. “Nick, being kidnapped has made me realllly horny…”

Yuck. I started to push her away, but my attention was distracted by the TV, where there was a breaking news report. On one half of the screen was a photo of Desi, and on the other half a dead body was being wheeled out of a luxurious lake house.

“Holy shit, Amy! You killed Desi?”

Amy screwed her face up at me in confusion. Genuine confusion.

“Nick, I may be a bitch, but I’m not a murderer.”

I pointed at the TV. “Well then how do you explain that?”